


Praying to Gods I don't believe in

by moonmemory



Series: Praying to Gods I don't believe in [1]
Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: (also not explicit), (but it's not very explicit), Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Kindergarten & Pre-school, Background Biadore, F/F, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, Past Drug Addiction, Recreational Drug Use, Slow Burn, Underage Drinking, bisexual!katya, chosen family, cis girl au, coming to terms with your sexuality, it's really just about two nerds falling in love and acting like fools, lesbian!trixie, mentions of physical abuse (not explicit), past emotional abuse, there's some branjie if you squint real hard
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-09
Updated: 2020-01-30
Packaged: 2020-03-05 21:32:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 91,681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18837184
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonmemory/pseuds/moonmemory
Summary: Trixie moves to Boston for college, gets a job at a kindergarten and meets the infectious Katya. She tries not to fall in love. She really, really tries.





	1. what it feels like to fly

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! This is my first attempts for many years to write something not for school and actually share it. English isn't my first language, so if you notice any mistakes, please don't hesitate to make me aware of them! I would love to hear your thoughts on the story and I hope you will all enjoy it.  
> I'll try to update regularly, around once a week, but me and deadlines have never worked too well together.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trixie turned around, already smiling. She prayed her smile didn’t falter as she took in the woman before her. The first thing she noticed was her brilliant smile, with a perfectly applied red lipstick. Then she noticed her hair, blond, in a very… different hairstyle. Trixie honestly didn’t know how to describe it or how it had been done. A lot of braids were weaved around each other and it looked like some sort of bird’s nest, but for some ungodly reason the woman could pull it off. Her fashion choices were as peculiar as her hairstyle, but all of it worked together rather well. Trixie was sure though, that if she was to try to pull off something like it, she would look like a complete fool.

Her heart was beating so loud it almost drowned out the laughing, talking and crying from the children all around her. Trixie had barely stepped in the door and she was already slightly overwhelmed. She wouldn’t let it get the better of her, though. She still couldn’t quite believe that she’d gotten a callback and was going to a job interview.

When she’d first arrived in Boston, she had pretty much just resigned herself to a shitty job of waitressing for minimum wage. She had the experience to get her pretty much any kind of waitressing job, but god was she tired of dealing with entitled adults who didn’t see her as an actual human person, but more as a machine made solely to tend to their every need, however outrageous it was. And so, she had sent her resume to a small kindergarten called Over the Rainbow. She had been hopeful but hadn’t let herself think about the possibility of her getting the job. She was certain that lots of people with more experience than her regarding children had applied for the job too. It was an understatement to say, she was shocked when she got the callback and she was shameful to admit she almost started crying. Only almost though. She wasn’t about ready to go and make a fool of herself in front her flat mates, whom she had been with at the time.

She had used more time than she was willing to admit trying to find the perfect outfit for the interview. Needless to say, her clothes were spread out over the floor in the overpriced room she was renting for the summer, and she was quite happy that she didn’t have a roommate who could bear witness to her mess. She shut the door firmly, making sure that no one would accidentally see the mess if they walked by her room.

Before she had the chance to look around and find either Michelle, the head of the kindergarten, or her office, two little girls stood in front of her with big smiles plastered onto their little faces.

“Do you know, your hair is pink?” One of them asked her, looking slightly perplexed.

Trixie bit down on her tongue to stop herself from laughing. “I do, yes.” She smiled warmly at them.

“Were you born with it like that?” The other looked at her, wondering.

“No, though that would have been very cool. I colored it pink.” They both nodded, though they seemed a bit uncertain in their nodding.

“Can I tell you a secret?” Both of them lit up and nodded ferociously, al uncertainty gone, and looked up at her with earnest eyes. Trixie kneeled down, and beckoned them closer to her with her hand. “It’s because pink is my favorite color!” she told them in a fake whisper.

“Really? It’s mine, too!” One of the girls said with obvious excitement. Trixie high-fived her, which made both of the girls giggle.

“Ms. Mattel?” A voice sounded above her Trixie looked up with slightly pink cheeks.

 “That’s me.” Trixie got back up on her feet and stuck her hand out. The woman took it, smiling. “The interview is in here,” she told her and pointed at a small office in the corner of the room. “Dana and Lucy, you two better get back to the Butterfly Room, I’m sure Latrice and Katya are wondering where you are.” 

Both of the girls nodded and turned on their heels. “I want to have pink hair when I grow up,” one of them told the other, and the other was quiet for a few seconds before she said “me too.”

Trixie couldn't keep a fond smile of off her face as she followed Michelle into her office.

 

Two days later Trixie was trying to make scrambled eggs, coffee and toast all at once and was miserably failing when her phone rang. Her heart skipped a beat when she saw the caller ID. She dropped the spatula and looked desperately for something she could wipe her hands on, but with nothing within reach she had to settle for her dress. The stains would come of later. Probably. Hopefully. “Hello?” She answered rather frantically and cursed inwardly for her unprofessional tone.

" _Ms. Mattel, hello, this is Michelle from Over the Rainbow_." As if she had to clarify which Michelle she was talking to.

"Hi, Michelle!" She was nervous and could feel her cheeks heat. She knew, logically, that it was a good sign, great even, that Michelle called her, but her brain wasn’t listening to logic at the moment. She shot a worried look at her eggs. 

" _I’m glad I got you on the phone. I was wondering, if you’re still interested in the job?_ "

"Oh my God, yes!" Damn. She cleared her throat and tried not to be too obvious about it. "I mean, I am. Yes. Very much so!"

Trixie could hear a chuckle from the other end of the line and relaxed a little. " _Well, wonderful. I would like to offer you the position then_."

"That would be amazing!" Trixie probably sounded like a kid who had just found out they were going to Disneyland, but she couldn't find it in her to care. She was allowed to be happy. She was.

" _Great, I’m happy it works out_.” She actually sounded genuinely happy and Trixie’s smile grew in width. “ _Could you come by either tomorrow, or Thursday so we can work out your schedule?_ "

"Tomorrow would be great. What time should I come by?" She smiled stupidly and knew she would agree to whatever time Michelle suggested.

" _How would noon work for you?_ "

"That would be just perfect."

" _Wonderful. I'll see you tomorrow then._ " 

"Yes. Thank you!"

Trixie had her phone pressed to her ear for several moments after Michelle had hung up, still not quite believing that she had actually gotten the job. Not only was she going to get a decent pay for her work, but she also didn't have to handle overdemanding customers anymore.

It truly seemed like moving to Boston had been the best decision Trixie could have possibly made. Now she was just excited to not only start her job, but also her classes. She had signed up to them as soon as possible, and she knew already that she wanted to major in music and had been a bit disappointed that most of her classes for the first semester were more generic and not really about music, but she was looking forward to them none the less.

She was torn out of her thoughts when a smell of burning hit her and she realized her mistake. “Fuck!” She exclaimed as she practically dropped her phone in order to turn of the stove and remove the pan with eggs that now were more black than yellow. 

She met with Michelle the next day, but she had left too early and ended up walking around the block a couple of times so she wouldn’t end up annoying her by being almost an hour early and fucking things up before she had even started the job. They decided that she would work Mondays, Tuesdays and Thursdays, and she told Michelle that she could always call her, in case someone called in sick. She had been able to save some up during high school, and while she could probably live off of it for a while, it wouldn't last forever. And college was fucking expensive.

  

She hadn’t thought it would be possible, but Trixie’s room was positively messier now than on the day of her job interview. She had tried on every single one of her dresses, a few skirts and even a pair of jeans, but nothing seemed to be just right, so she ended up sighing and just putting on one of the first dressed she had tried on. While she wanted to look perfect, she feared being late for her first day, and the fear trumped her perfectionistic trait. She took one last look in the mirror. She had put on her default ‘I-don’t-know-what-to-wear’ dress, and she hadn’t really realized it until now. I was a deeper shade of pink than her hair and was cut off a bit over her knees, with long, slightly flowy, sleeves.

She arrived out of breath even though she wasn’t really in a hurry. She stepped inside and wasn’t sure what to do with herself. A woman who probably worked there smiled at her. “You Trixie?”

She nodded, and the woman pointed at a door. “Our breakroom is in there sweetheart. You can put you bag in there. I’ll tell Katya you’re here.”

Trixie smiled back. Normally she hated it when people called her pet names, mostly because it was condescending nine out of ten times, but it felt different being called so by this woman. It felt natural for some inexplicable reason.

“Oh, thank you so much!” She made sure to smile extra brightly at her before she walked into the room she had been pointed towards.

A small gasp escaped her. On a huge piece of carton, the words ‘Welcome Trixie!’ were written in beautiful calligraphy surrounded by a couple of balloons. She didn’t have very long to take it in before she could hear the door behind her being opened, even though it sounded more like someone was trying to kick the door in.

“Hiya Trixie!”

Trixie turned around, already smiling. She prayed her smile didn’t falter as she took in the woman before her. The first thing she noticed was her brilliant smile, with a perfectly applied red lipstick. Then she noticed her hair, blond, in a very… different hairstyle. Trixie honestly didn’t know how to describe it or how it had been done. A lot of braids were weaved around each other and it looked like some sort of bird’s nest, but for some ungodly reason the woman could pull it off. Her fashion choices were as peculiar as her hairstyle, but all of it worked together rather well. Trixie was sure though, that if she was to try to pull off something like it, she would look like a complete fool.

“Hi, uh, Katya?”

“Yes, exactly!” The woman, Katya, smiled brighter. Trixie hadn’t thought it would be possible. “So, I’m supposed to show you around and explain how everything works. Does that sound alright?”

“Yeah, that would be great.”

“Alrighty, let’s go then.” Katya opened the door behind them, and held it open for Trixie to exit first. “Well, you’ve just seen the breakroom. Depending on how long a shift you have, you’ll either spend 15 or 30 minutes of bliss in there before heading back out into the battlefield.” Trixie laughed at that, a little too loudly, but so did Katya, so she didn’t really mind. “Over here we have the kitchen were Kasha and Darienne cook for us, they really are quite incredible cooks. They’re also so considerate of the kids and their needs. Like, Jamie is allergic to eggs and Phillip is Muslim, so they always make sure to make them something separate if they cook something with eggs or pork. You won’t be eating with us, well I won’t either when school starts again, so you will just have to take my word for it.”

Trixie nodded, with a smile fixed on her lips. Katya’s obvious enthusiasm was infectious.

“You’re starting college this year, yeah?” Katya asked her and looked at her. Trixie was a bit confused by how Katya would know that. Maybe Michelle had told her?

“I am, yes! I’m really looking forward to it.”

“I get that. I was so damn excited when I started too. I’m gonna be a Junior this year, so the excitement has faded just a little. But it’ll be great to see my friends after the break.” Katya opened another door, stepped inside and held it so Trixie could follow her. “This is the Butterfly Room, which is where you’ll spend most of your time here. It’s for the kids who are between the ages three and four. Latrice and I are assigned this room as well, so you and I will be seeing each other quite a lot. Right now everyone is outside because the weather is nice and everyone fights less outside. We have sixteen butterflies at the moment, but it varies between around thirteen and twenty.”

As Katya told Trixie all of this, she walked around the room and pointed at different things. The room was decorated with drawings and pictures and a whole lot of butterflies. Trixie felt right at home.

Katya walked back out the door and in another. “This is the bumblebees,” she said and gestured around a room that had the same outline as the butterfly room, but it was furnished differently. “This is for the two- and three-year olds. They’re all very sweet, but I really prefer it when they’re a bit older. You can have much better conversations with them then.”

“Here we have the ladybugs and the dragonflies. They’re the four- and five-year olds. They’ve been combined into one room, but make no mistake, the dragonflies are the oldest and they definitely know it.”

Trixie tried her best to remember everything Katya told her, to imprint her every word in her brain, but it was a lot of information, and it seemed like Katya had a tendency to follow her train of thought wherever it took her and shared what came to mind with Trixie. Not that she could blame her, Trixie, too, often found that she had difficulties with staying on topic.

Katya stopped in her tracks, turned around with a somewhat serious expression. “Trixie, now we’re about to reach the last stop of our tour, The great Playground. Are you ready to engage in battle, brave soldier?” She sounded solemn while she said it, but her eyes twinkled, and Trixie knew she was just joking. Either way, Trixie still felt quite nervous. This would after all be the first time the kids would see and interact with her. What if she wasn’t cut out from this kind of job? She didn’t have that much experience working with kids. Sure, she had babysat the neighbors’ kids on occasion, and plenty of families had been to the restaurant she used to work at, but this was different. This was more intense, and more important, both for the kids and for her. She couldn’t fail. She wouldn’t fail. She wouldn’t.

Trying to match the serious joking-tone of Katya’s, despite her nerves, Trixie saluted and said, “Trooper 1 reporting for duty!”

This caused Katya to break out in a laugh, and for a moment Trixie’s heart felt lighter and she forgot she was nervous.

“Come on, then.” Katya smiled, and took the first step outside in the warm afternoon. Trixie followed her and thought that she wouldn’t mind seeing those smiles frequently.  


	2. it's not raining anymore

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You moved into the dorms yesterday, right?”  
> Trixie nodded. “I did. The moving was horrible. At one point I was sure I would drop dead from overheating.”  
> Oh God, that’s relatable. I feel like that whenever I just move outside, so I can’t imagine having to go through the pain of actually carrying heavy stuff too.”  
> “Oh, believe me, I was ready to welcome the sweet embrace of death, but he stood me up.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Would you look at that: Another chapter! This one is posted a bit earlier (I have settled on trying to update each Sunday) because I'll have a friend visit me over the weekend.  
> I just want to make a very clear that I don't know anything about college and tbh most of it is based off of what I've read in other fics, so I hope y'all can accept that some (most) of it probably won't align with reality. Also the kindergarten is highly inspired by the one I work at, and the American version of a kindergarten is probably different from the Danish version, so I'm not really sure how realistic those scenes are, also.  
> Anyways, I hope you'll enjoy this chapter, and I would love to hear your thoughts on it!!

Why did it have to be so fucking hot on the day Trixie had to move? Life wasn’t fair, that’s for sure. She had been carrying boxes down the six floors worth of stairs for what felt like a lifetime, but probably only was 30 minutes because the elevator was out of order. She was sweating profusely and wanted nothing more than to lay naked under a fan until her body temperature returned to normal. On the bright side, none of her flatmates were home, so no one was there to witness the mess she had become. She just hoped and prayed that she would look better when she arrived on campus. She would hate it, if her roommate’s first impression of her was, that she was the human form of Niagara Falls.

With a sigh she placed the last box in the trunk of her car and let herself catch her breath in the blazing hot sun for a few moments. It was a tight fit with all of her boxes, and she wouldn’t be able to see anything out of the rear window. It wasn’t ideal, but at least she wouldn’t have to make the drive more than once.

The closer she got to campus, the more doubt started to set in. What if her roommate didn’t like her? What if her classes were all too difficult? What if she wouldn’t make any friends? What if she had to move back home, because college wasn’t for her after all?

No. She wasn’t allowed to think like that. She was going to college, and she would get along with her roommate and pass all of her classes. And she would stay in Boston. That was probably the most important part. She had to prove to herself, that she could.

The parking lot was buzzing with people carrying boxes, people hugging their friends and parents, and students with t-shirts proclaiming that you could ask them anything. It looked like a scene from a movie, and Trixie bit down a smile.

She parked her car and it felt like walking into a wall of heat the moment she stepped out of it. She had cooled down on her drive and had for a blissful half hour forgotten the uncomfortable summer weather.

She spotted the nearest ‘ask-me-anything’ student and slowly walked towards her. She hoped that she would notice Trixie so that Trixie wouldn’t have to instigate the conversation, even if she logically knew, the student wouldn’t mind. It that was why she were there after all.

She was met with a kind smile and was relieved when she heard the woman ask her, “Can I help you with anything sweetie?”

Trixie tried for a smile, but it probably looked a bit manic. “Yeah, uh, where can I find out which room, I’m in?” Trixie wanted to sound more confident, she wanted to sound nonchalant, but apparently that wasn’t happening today.

“What’s your name?” The woman, Ginger, Trixie read from her nametag, asked her and moved her gaze towards her clipboard.

“Beatrice Mattel.”

“Right, just a moment.” Ginger started flipping ferociously through the pages, her eyes scanning them at an alarming pace. “Here you are, Beatrice. You’re in the C block, room 104. Your RA is Bianca, so if you have any questions, she’s your gal. The C block is over there, right around the left corner.” Ginger pointed, and Trixie let her gaze follow where her finger pointed.

Trixie smiled, a much realer smile this time. “Thank you so much, Ginger.”

“No problem, sweetheart. Good luck!”

 

It had been a horrible idea to carry two boxes at once, because Trixie couldn’t see shit and was constantly about to bump in to some poor student. She had found her room roommate-less and decided that moving all of her stuff from her car as quickly as possible was the best idea, and that carrying two boxes at once wouldn’t be that much of a problem. She was pretty strong, so she could definitely handle it.

She was regretting that decision now, and she felt like her arms were about to fall off. She peeked awkwardly around her boxes, almost dropping them, and sighed with relief when she spotted her room. She sped up, excusing herself left and right, and practically dropped the boxes onto the floor when she was inside her room.

“Hey.”

Trixie jumped, startled, and a small yelp escaped her. She looked up and spotted a girl with long, dark brown hair, colored green in the ends. She sported an equally dark lipstick. She pretty much looked like Trixie’s exact opposite. She was wearing a white tank top under a plaid shirt, fishnets and a black pair of shorts.

“Hi!” Trixie tried to wipe her hand discreetly on her skirt before she stuck it out towards the girl. It wasn’t very discreet, probably. “I’m Trixie.” She smiled brightly at the girl, and hoped it seemed sincere.

The girl got up and took Trixie’s hand, and sent her a lazy smile in return. “Adore. I’m guessing we’re roommates?”

“It looks like it, yeah!” Why did she sound so chipper? It wasn’t normal to sound that chipper.

“Party.”

Trixie let go of her hand and felt rather awkward. She had never really had that many friends. In high school she had pretty much only been friends with Kim, and her senior year had been exceptionally lonely as Kim’s family had moved halfway across the country. The realization, that Trixie didn’t really know how she was supposed to make friends with Adore and in a moment of panic and fear of awkward silence she asked, “Which bed do you want?” which was probably a very stupid question, as Adore had been sitting on one of the beds when Trixie entered the room. That was pretty much the same thing as claiming a bed, right? God, why was it that she hadn’t even known Adore two minutes, and she was already feeling like she was messing up their potential friendship.

As an answer Adore let herself drop onto the bed she had been sitting on earlier and spread her arms and legs, looking a little like a starfish grinning at Trixie. “This one!”

Trixie laughed, relieved that Adore apparently hadn’t deemed her as a total dumbass yet and pushed her boxes towards what was to become her bed with her foot.

Adore turned her head towards her. “Do you have more shit?”

“Yeah, I have a few more boxes in my car.”

“Want help carrying them up?”

Trixie smiled, and felt herself relax. It seemed like Adore wanted to make friends with her just as much as Trixie wanted to make friends with her. “That would awesome, thanks.”

“Cool, let’s go then.”

 

“Do you know, what you want to major in yet?” Trixie asked Adore, fanning herself with one hand in a desperate attempt to cool down. Trixie figured it would probably be something creative from the looks of Adore. Art, maybe. But she knew better than to judge a book by its cover, and for all Trixie knew, Adore could be gunning to become the next Einstein.

“Music! It’s gonna be so cool.”

Trixie barely let Adore finish her sentence before she exclaimed, “Are you kidding? Me too!”

Adore’s eyes lit up, and Trixie was pretty sure they mirrored her own. “What? No way, that’s so awesome! What do you play?”

“Guitar mostly, but clarinet and autoharp as well. And I sing, sometimes. Not in front of others though.”

“That’s dope! I can only play guitar and sing. Both alone and in front of others.” Adore winked at her. “We should, like, totally jam together!”

Trixie couldn’t believe her luck. She really couldn’t. She had never had anyone to share her interest in music with, not in this way. Being able to not only talk about her passion for music but also create music with someone was more than Trixie had dared to dream of.

 “Yes! That would be so much fun. I only brought my guitar though.” It was one of her most priced possessions, and definitely the most expensive one. She had owned one before it, but it hadn’t been any good. She had wanted to put a guitar on her wishlist for birthdays and Christmas, but she knew her family would never be able to afford one, and even if they had had the money, Trixie still doubted that she would have gotten one. So instead of facing that disappointment, she had gotten herself a job during Sophomore year and saved up everything she earned for the first half year before she finally went out to get one. It had felt like fate when she spotted the light pink guitar at 30% off on a shopping trip with Kim.

Trixie kept chatting with Adore while they moved her stuff, and then later Adore’s, into their room. She was easy to get along with, and Trixie wanted to smile stupidly, because at least she had made one friend.

She found out that Adore had grown up in Azusa with just her mom, whom she considered her best friend, and that she hadn’t really been sure if college was for her, but that one of her friends, someone named Courtney, who had been an exchange student at her high school and stayed with her and her mom, had ended up going to Boston College and in the end had convinced Adore that she should apply, too.

They shared a passion for music, even it was for completely different genres. Trixie didn’t mind much. She had always been open to new things, and Adore seemed cool, so maybe she would like Punk music? Or at least not hate it.

She didn’t tell Adore much about growing up in Milwaukee. It was definitely neither the time or the place for that conversation, but she told her about Kim and about her favorite cows and Adore listened with intensity in her wide eyes.

They started decorating each side of their room, Trixie’s side mostly in pink or yellow, Adore’s in much darker colors, and decided that they would go shopping one of the following days to get some clutter and maybe a rug to make it feel homier.

Trixie looked on with envy as Adore put up photos of her and her friends from California and pictures of her and her mom. Trixie had only brought two pictures of her and Kim, but they hadn’t talked in a while, so it felt a bit weird putting them up, and then one of her and her brother, which she put up on her dresser.

Adore eyed it curiously before stepping closer to examine it. “Is that your boyfriend?”

Trixie laughed surprised. “God no, it’s my brother.”

“Party.”

She looked at Adore and opened her mouth uncertainly before closing it again. “Do you have a boyfriend?”

Adore looked at her disbelievingly. “A boyfriend? I thought my outfit screamed lesbian, but apparently not. Damn.”

Trixie blinked stupidly. Lesbian. She didn’t think she had ever heard anyone use that word in real life, and definitely not in a positive way.

Adore’s face scrunched up and she crossed her arms over her chest. “Is that a problem?”

“N-no! Not at all.” Trixie stammered and blushed slightly.

Adore scanned her face and then relaxed visibly, apparently satisfied with what she found. “Good. Just needed to make sure.”

They ended up ordering pizza per Adore’s request and eating in their room. They both agreed that neither of them felt like meeting the other freshmen on their floor tonight and watched a couple Brooklyn Nine-Nine episodes together, constantly pausing to comment on different aspects, and most of the time getting completely sidetracked. After dressing for bed, both being tired after the day’s events, they talked for some time in the dark, Trixie wasn’t sure for how long, before they both drifted off.

 

Trixie showed up at Over the Rainbow with ten minutes to spare. Adore had given her a lift, as she was going that way to meet Courtney for lunch anyway. Trixie normally would have just walked. She avoided driving if she could, especially when she didn’t know the city, but she had happily accepted Adore’s offer.

She spotted the kids playing outside with Latrice, Dela, Bob and Kennedy. No Katya. Her bright smile dimmed slightly, but she waved enthusiastically at them anyway before she ducked inside.

“Hi Kasha,” she greeted as she walked by the kitchen.

“Good to see you, Trixie.” Kasha answered, not looking up from the apples she was currently cutting into equally sized boats.

Trixie opened the door to the breakroom and her smile doubled in size at the sight that met her. Katya was lounging on one of the couches, dramatically fanning herself with a piece of paper in one hand and a steaming cup, undoubtedly filled with coffee, in the other.

“You know, the hot coffee probably cancels out the fanning, right?” Trixie smiled and let the door fall shut behind her.

“The coffee is the only thing keeping me alive, but the weather won’t accommodate to fit my sleep deprived, sweating ass, so this was the only compromise I could live with.”

Trixie laughed, and dumped down in the couch opposite of the one Katya was currently sitting in.

“When does your break end?”

Katya stopped the fanning to check the watch on her wrist. She groaned before she resumed the fanning. “In eight minutes. I swear time goes by faster when you’re on your break.”

“Oh definitely.”

Katya took a big gulp of the coffee before exclaiming “hot!” and then immediately taking another sip. Trixie tried to hide the smile spreading on her lips, and looked away from Katya.

“You moved into the dorms yesterday, right?”

Trixie nodded. “I did. The moving was horrible. At one point I was sure I would drop dead from overheating.”

“Oh God, that’s relatable. I feel like that whenever I just move outside, so I can’t imagine having to go through the pain of actually carrying heavy stuff too.”

“Oh, believe me, I was ready to welcome the sweet embrace of death, but he stood me up.”

Katya laughed loudly at that and kicked the couch a couple of times with her legs, as if to empathize, that she found it funny.

“Did your roommate move in yesterday as well?” Katya asked once she got her gatherings.

“Yes, Adore! She’s really cool. She’s a music major like me.” Trixie couldn’t help but smile.

“That’s great Trixie! That’ll probably make it easier to bond with her, right?”

“I think so, yeah. We talked a lot yesterday.”

“I’m happy to hear it!” Katya smiled and seemed very sincere. “I didn’t really like my roommate at first, she, well, to be honest with you, I thought she was a bit of a cunt, but she’s actually very sweet once you get to know her. Don’t tell her I said that though, she’ll never forgive me for letting people know she isn’t actually a horrible human being.” Katya laughed and so did Trixie, mostly because she couldn’t help it, not when Katya decided to laugh like that.

“You still share a room with her?”

“I sure do Barbara!” Katya smiled and looked into her cup and downed the rest of the coffee in one big gulp. It couldn’t possibly be healthy to chug caffeine at that rate. “Well, the kids are awaiting. Shall we?” Katya got up and dropped her make-do fan on the tabletop.

“Onto the battlefield we shall march.” Trixie applied jokingly while getting on her feet as well.

 

The minute she and Katya walked out the door she was met with enthusiastic screams of “Trixie! Trixie! Trixie!”

She crouched down and opened her arms as multiple children ran into them, all talking rapidly and loudly to make sure, that she heard exactly what they had to tell her.

“Woah woah woah, slow down kiddos. One at a time. Theo, what did you want to tell me?”

She looked at him fondly while he began to explain to her, that he had been to the doctor, and because he had been such a good boy, he was allowed to choose one toy from the big bucket, and could she believe that, and he had chosen the green dinosaur, because it was cool and dangerous, and he liked dinosaurs. Did she like dinosaurs? Trixie confirmed that she did indeed like dinosaurs, even if she didn’t actually care much for them.

Once Theo was satisfied, he wiggled out of her embrace and ran back to the sandbox to continue where he had left off.

Dana then told her about today’s lunch, which she had really liked, even though she didn’t like carrots very much at home and then proceeded to show Trixie her arm, which now sported a small pink patch. Dana said, she had chosen the pink one because it was both hers and Trixie’s favorite color, and Trixie’s heart swelled a bit at that.

Three more of the kids had stories to tell her about their doings, even though she had literally seen them two days ago, and by the time they had finished her legs were starting to cramp quite intensely and she swore to herself that she wouldn’t ever crouch for that long a period of time again. She knew, that she would eventually break that promise, but it made her feel better in the moment.

Trixie let her eyes drift around the playground and saw Bob and Dela playing soccer with a bunch of the older kids, Latrice sitting on a blanket, reading aloud for a mixture of mostly butterflies and bumblebees, Kennedy standing guard and chatting with the kids at the jungle gym. Finally, her eyes landed on Katya who was pretending to eat a sand cake made by a very proud-looking Lucy. Her eyes lingered on Katya longer than she wanted them too, and she looked away blushing when Katya caught her looking.

Out of the corner of her eye she could see Katya beckon Lucy closer and a few seconds later Lucy had jumped from the sandbox and was running towards Trixie.

“Trixie, Katya says that you’re invited to her birthday party. I’m making the cake!” Lucy grabbed her hand and gently tugged her towards the box and Katya.

Katya was sitting cross-legged on the ground, but Trixie definitely couldn’t do that in her dress, so she opted to sit on the edge of the box instead.

“Do you like chocolate cake?” Lucy looked up at Trixie with big, brown eyes while simultaneously trying to shovel sand into her bucket. Not a lot of the sand ended up in the bucket.

“I love chocolate cake!” Lucy looked satisfied with that answer and started concentrating on actually getting the sand into the bucket.

After having pretended to eat a ridiculous amount of chocolate cakes and singing happy birthday to Katya no less than three times, with more and more kids joining the birthday party and making their own chocolate cake, Katya tapped Trixie lightly on her thigh, which for inexplicable reason made Trixie’s breath catch in her throat.

“Your break is at 4:30, right?” Katya looked at Trixie.

“Yeah.” At her old job the break had been the highlight of her shift, but Trixie found that she wouldn’t have minded attending Katya’s fake birthday party for the rest of her shift, the fifteen-minute break be damned.

“It’s 4:30 now. Drink a couple of cups of coffee for me.”

Trixie laughed and shook her head. “It’s way too hot for coffee. You’re actually crazy.”

“Tell me something I don’t know.” Katya wiggled her eyebrows which only made Trixie laugh more.

“Keep an eye on her while I’m gone.” Trixie looked all of the kids in the eyes, and they giggled while nodding, all of them promising her that they would.

Trixie filled a glass with water on her way to the break room and grabbed her phone from her purse before falling into the nearest couch.

 **Adore:** When does your shift end? Courtney and I can pick you up on our way back if you want

 **Trixie:** It ends 5:45. And I would love a ride if it’s not too much trouble!

 **Adore:** Nah man, it’s no problem at all

 **Trixie:** Okay, thanks so much!!

Trixie opened Instagram and started scrolling through her feed. She liked a few pictures of acquaintances from Milwaukee and one of her brother and his girlfriend. She considered leaving a comment but ended up deciding against it. She lost interest rather quickly, opened twitter, but closed the app after just a couple of seconds and locked her phone.

She shut her eyes closed for a few moments and just breathed. She couldn’t quite believe that she was here and that she now lived a life where she attended fake birthdays and had a roommate who was offering to pick her up after work. This was pretty much the life she had dreamed of at night for years. If she was honest, she hadn’t really believed it would happen. But it had, and she was determined to hold on to this version of her life with a lethal grip. She deserved this. She did.

Trixie stepped back out into the blazing hot sun and instinctively looked towards the sand box. Some of the kids were still there, but not Katya. Trixie looked around and spotted her comforting a crying Leah. No more birthday celebrations then.

The last hour passed in a hurry of kids being picked up by their parents, closing off the different rooms, handing out a late afternoon snack to the kids who were being picked up late, resolving fights that mostly revolved around who had the shovel or bucket first.

“When do you get off?” Trixie turned her head towards Katya, now smiling a little brighter.

“5:45. You?”

“Me too. Are you going back to campus?”

“Yeah, Adore’s picking me up.” Trixie turned slightly so her body was facing Katya.

Katya’s face fell a bit. “Oh.”

Trixie looked somewhat perplexed at Katya. “Why?”

“I was just wondering if maybe you’d like to walk back together, but…” Katya shrugged.

“Oh, I would have loved to! Really!” That seemed to perk Katya up and Trixie felt like sighing with relief. “If you want, I can ask Adore if you can catch a ride with us? I’m sure she won’t mind.”

“Really?”

“Sure. She’s super cool.”

 

As Trixie had predicted Adore didn’t mind at all, she just smiled and said, “get in, losers.” The only problem was that Adore had failed to mention that Courtney came directly from the airport and that she wasn’t exactly a light packer. Half of the space in the back was taken up by suitcases which resulted in Katya basically sitting on Trixie’s lap the whole drive home. Trixie had trouble breathing for the entirety of the car ride and started to wonder if maybe she had unknown allergies or had become dehydrated throughout the day despite her best effort to drink lots of water.

Trixie didn’t participate much in conversation due her troublesome breathing, but she found that she actually really liked Courtney. Katya and Adore bonded over some weird underground band that no one knew of and Adore assigned Courtney with the job of finding one of their songs on YouTube, so Trixie and Courtney could become familiar with them, too.

Thankfully Courtney stopped the song halfway through and proclaimed that it made her ears bleed and long for the days she had spent living above a very amateur heavy metal band.

“What did you think of the song Trixie?” Adore caught her eyes in the rearview mirror before directing them back to the road.

“It uh… it sure is something?”

Katya laughed and turned her head to look at Trixie and she was so close Trixie could almost feel her breath on her face. “You hated it.”

Trixie scrunched up her face. “Hate is a strong word, Linda. But I somewhat identify with Courtney’s statement.”

“Thank you!” Courtney sighed dramatically.

“You people have no appreciation for true art.” Katya shook her head.

Trixie smiled and rolled her eyes playfully. “Girl, art is a stretch and you know it.”

“Don’t be so small-minded Barbara, everything can be art if you want it to be.”

Adore looked at Katya with exasperation. “Dude no, you sound just like my high school art teacher.”

 “I thought you knew...” Katya said in a deep voice.

Adore looked at her confused. “Knew what?”

“I _am_ your high school art teacher.”

Adore looked confused for another few seconds before she broke out in to a wide smile and started laughing, which made all of them laugh. “You bitch!”

 

“Which block do ya live in?” Adore asked as they turned onto campus grounds.

“I’m in the A block.” Katya answered at the same time as Courtney said, “B block.”

They dropped Katya of first, and after a failed attempt to crawl over Trixie, which almost ended with Trixie having a nervous breakdown due to Katya’s breast being in her direct line of view, Trixie got out of the car.

“Thanks for the ride!” Katya called over her shoulder before pulling Trixie into a short hug, saying “I’ll see you around, yeah?” so close to Trixie’s ear that she actually felt her breath this time and then wandering towards the building.

Trixie stood glued to the ground for a few seconds, then wiped her sweaty palms on her dress before she got back into the car.

Dropping of Courtney took a lot longer, and Trixie ended up getting roped into help carrying her many suitcases up to her room. Courtney gave both of them a kiss on the cheek and promised to buy them a drink soon.

“So, Katya seems nice.” Adore looked at her with a look Trixie couldn’t quite decode.

“She is.” Trixie looked away and blamed the heat rising to her face on the fact that she had just been walking up and down the stairs of the B block more times than she would have liked to.

“I’ll bet you think so.” Adore said and nudged Trixie before turning on the ignition.

Trixie had no idea what she meant. She didn’t. She really didn’t.


	3. i'm crying because i love you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “All right, listen up. My name is Bianca, I’m a junior and unfortunate to be your RA this year. First, I’ll give you a tour of the grounds, then I’ll find somewhere spacious to give you all of my best tips for surviving freshman year. If any of you find it boring or lose interest, please leave instead of disturbing the tour, I promise I won’t be offended. If anyone has any questions, feel free to ask them. And before you ask, yes, I do believe that there’s such a thing as a stupid question.” Bianca then turned on her heels, and started walking, not checking if they were following her. Everyone was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I know it is now Wednesday and I said I would post on Sundays, but we all have our flaws, right? I had so much fun writing this chapter, so I hope you'll all enjoy it. I'm also immensely happy about how well-received this story has been and I would love to hear your thought/critics on my story!  
> Anyway, I hope you'll enjoy this chapter <3

“You look fine.”

“Huh?” Trixie turned her head quickly in Adore’s direction before directing her gaze back to the mirror.

“I said you look good. You’ve been looking at yourself with that look on your face for the last ten minutes, and if we don’t leave, like, right now, we’re probably gonna miss the tour.”

Trixie sighed. Her hair was not cooperating today. She had curled it, but one of the curls in the front had turned out funny, and when she had tried to redo it, it had only gotten worse.

“Fine. Let’s go then.” She grabbed a hairband from her desk and tied her hair up in a high ponytail. At least it would be better than having that one curl ruin her entire look.

The front of the C block was overflooding with freshmen, all waiting to get a tour around campus grounds. Hopefully she and Adore would end up with a tour guide who knew how to tell them what they needed to know without it being too factual and boring.

Trixie looked around her. There were so many people, and so many different people. Some of them would probably, hopefully turn out to be her friends. She so wanted to make friends. Well, what she really wanted, was to be a part of a group. A group of friends like those you watched on television who knew everything about each other and loved each other unconditionally. A group of friends she could go out and have fun with or stay home and watch silly movies and burn cookies with because none of you actually knew how to cook. A group of friends who would drop everything to help you out and you knew you could count on, no matter what. That was what Trixie really wanted, but she wasn’t going to get her hopes up. She knew that those kinds of friends only existed in the made-up world of movies and television.

“Hi, hello, can I get everyone’s attention, please?” A girl Trixie hadn’t seen during the few days she had spent at Boston University had crawled up on a table standing right in front of Trixie and looked down upon them with a smile. She was only successful in gaining the attention of about half of them.

“Hi, sorry, could you all please quiet down?” The girl tried again, but it was a fruitless attempt. “Sorry, we really need to get started, so if you could please stop talking…”

Finally, another woman, a redheaded one, got up on the table next to her and shouted, “Shut up, you whores!”

That got everyone’s attention. “Thank you, Bianca.” The girl cleared her throat. “I’m Jinkx and I want to officially welcome you all to BCU! The purpose of today is to show you around the Campus and get you all acquainted with your RA. I’ll call out your room numbers, the RA designated to those rooms will raise their hand, and you’ll go stand with them. If anyone is in doubt about what’s about to happen, please raise your hands now or forever hold your peace.”

No one did, and Jinkx looked satisfied with the silence. “Good. Rooms 1 to 50 you’re with Manila. Manila, please raise your hand.” A pretty Asian girl with a bold white stripe in her hair raised her hand and a bunch of the students around Trixie shuffled towards her. “Alright, next we have rooms 51 to 100, your RA is Sasha. Sasha is over there.” Jinkx pointed towards a bald girl with her arm raised high. “Then we have rooms 101 to 150, you’re with Bianca.”

The woman who had helped Jinkx get them to quiet down raised her hand. Trixie exchanged a look with Adore before the two of them started to make their way towards Bianca. Trixie stopped listening to Jinkx calling out room numbers and RAs and caught snippets of quiet conversations around her while gently pushing past people with Adore by her side.

When it seemed like everyone had found their way to the right RA, Bianca cleared her throat. “All right, listen up. My name is Bianca, I’m a junior and unfortunate to be your RA this year. First, I’ll give you a tour of the grounds, then I’ll find somewhere spacious to give you all of my best tips for surviving freshman year. If any of you find it boring or lose interest, please leave instead of disturbing the tour, I promise I won’t be offended. If anyone has any questions, feel free to ask them. And before you ask, yes, I do believe that there’s such a thing as a stupid question.” Bianca then turned on her heels, and started walking, not checking if they were following her. Everyone was.

The tour Bianca gave them was very enlightening, although Trixie was sure that at least half of what she told them about the different places on campus grounds hadn’t been what she had been instructed to tell them. She pointed out a lot of the most popular hookup spots, which she told them she thought was and absolutely ridiculous thing. Everyone had a room with a working bed, why not just use them and spare the innocent souls who happened to wander by. She had a very different kind of humor, and not everyone seemed to get it, but Trixie was delighted every time Bianca cracked a joke, which she did quite often.

After haven enlightened them to the best of her ability and giving them all of her best tips, which were actually very good, and Trixie almost wished she had brought a notepad, she clapped once and immediately got everyone’s attention.

“Now we’ve come to the end of the tour, and before I let you animals hunt down your lunch, I wanted to officially invite you to the ABC block party tonight. We’ve been granted the rooms on the first floor of the main building, and I better see each and every one of you tonight, because it’s the only way I get to feel somewhat successful.”

That made everyone laugh, some nervously, others earnestly.

“Alright, now roam free, you monsters, and I’ll see you later.”

 

“I have a surprise!” Adore told Trixie in a sing-song voice as she pulled out a bottle containing a clear liquid. “Vodka!”

Trixie laughed. “Adore, that’s a bad, bad idea, and you hopefully know it.”

“No bitch, it’s brilliant and you know it.”

Trixie shook her head. “How did you even get your hands on that?”

“I have my ways.” Adore wiggled her eyebrows, which made Trixie laugh again.

“I bet you do.”

“Anyways, you should just be grateful that you got such a good provider as a roommate, you ungrateful whore.”

Trixie rolled her eyes, but she couldn’t help actually feeling very grateful that she and Adore had hit it off as quickly as they had.

“I’ll finish my make-up, and then we can talk about it.”

“Yes girl! I knew you weren’t a boring bitch.”

 

“Wait, wait, wait!” Trixie laughed. “And your _principle_ walked in?”

“He did! He did, it was horrible. Horrible, I tell you!”

That sent Trixie into another fit of laughter, even though she hadn’t really stopped laughing in the first place.

Trixie was four of Adore’s drinks and two shots in, and she was positively buzzing. She had been drinking before, but she hadn’t really been _drinking_ before, and now she was wondering why that was. If it made her feel this good, this happy, then, surely, she could find the time to do so more often.

“If that had been me, I would have been exiled in disgrace and never been able to show my face at school again.”

“Trust and believe, I was strongly considering changing schools.” Adore slurred her s’s slightly, but Trixie wasn’t blaming her, because Adore had had at least had two more drinks than Trixie, and she had been as generous pouring the vodka into her own drinks, as she had been when pouring it into Trixie’s.

A high-pinched ding interrupted the music and Adore fumbled around for her phone. She pinched her eyes together trying to decipher the text before breaking out into a smile. “Courtney is on her way here.”

“Uh, fun!” Trixie smiled and then made grabby hands for the phone. “I want to put on a song and you’re not allowed to say anything bad about it. If you do, we can’t be friends anymore.”

Adore tried to throw her phone to Trixie but missed the mark with an impressive length and Trixie half crawled, half rolled in the direction of the phone. Without any regards to the fact that the song that was currently playing was only halfway done Trixie put on Jolene and was singing rather enthusiastically along with the lyrics right from the beginning. Adore rolled her eyes at Trixie but joined in at the chorus. Throughout the song Trixie got up and started swaying from side to side, then got Adore on her feet as well, and then they both started dancing around in their room, screaming the chorus, looking batshit crazy and having trouble breathing from laughing and singing so much. They kept singing Jolene long after the song had ended, the two of them drowning out whatever song was currently playing.

“You two sure have got some pipes,” sounded behind them and Trixie turned around to find an amused Courtney looking at the two of them.

“Court!” Adore screeched and ran the few steps to Courtney before throwing herself into her arms. Courtney buckled under the weight of Adore, but stood her ground, which Trixie found quite impressive, and she shortly considered throwing herself into Courtney’s arms too.

 

Courtney convinced them to take two more shots each, which Trixie fully regretted when she got on her feet and had trouble walking out the door in a straight line.

They were probably extremely obnoxious on their way to the main building, but Trixie felt like the funniest woman alive, and judging from the reactions of Adore and Courtney, chances were that in that very moment, she was.

Before they went in, Courtney and Trixie exchanged numbers. This was mostly for Trixie’s benefit, and she knew it. The only people she had actually talked to, who were attending this party, was Adore and Courtney. If she ended up being separated from them, she would have a better chance of finding a friendly face if she had a way to contact both of them. None of this was said aloud, exactly, but it was implied, and it made Trixie feel like she could fly.

 

Trixie was just drunk enough that she didn’t care if she looked ridiculous while dancing, and she was dancing like there was no one else in the room but her. Throughout the night she mostly stayed firmly planted on the dancefloor. She was introduced to Courtney’s roommate Alaska, and while she didn’t talk much with Alaska, she appreciated that she didn’t seem to care what people thought of her and gave at least as much life on the dancefloor as Trixie did. Courtney introduced her to more of her friends, but Trixie forgot their names rather quickly, and some of them she didn’t even catch in the first place due to the deafening music.

People moved in an out of their circle on the dancefloor and the hours melted together in a mixture of sore feet and drumbeats. At one point, Trixie watched as Adore went up to their RA and struck up a conversation with her. Bianca hadn’t really seemed approachable in Trixie’s eyes. While she was quite certain, that she would like her if she ever got to know her, she doubted that she would. Adore apparently had no qualms about talking with her, and Trixie was surprised when their conversation seemed to keep flowing, Adore laughing basically non-stop, Bianca smiling and laughing, too. When Trixie was sure their conversation soon would have to come to an end, Bianca took Adore’s hand and made her way through the crowd and out the front doors. It made Trixie feel very weird and for a brief moment she imagined herself in either’s shoes and her heart speed up. She shook her head to get herself to snap out of it.

Trixie turned her attention back to the people around her, and discovered to her dismay that Courtney was missing, and that she now was just dancing with Alaska and two girls she couldn’t remember the names of. The buzzing was fading and suddenly the beats that had been guiding her feet, now just seemed too loud, and the heat was overwhelming, and it felt like there were too many people stuffed in to a too small room.

She mumbled some halfhearted excuse that she was pretty sure none of the other girls heard and started making her way towards somewhere else, anywhere else.

She spotted a door with a glowing green exit sign over and chose to ignore the ‘Do not enter’ sign that was taped to it. She closed the door and let her head fall back against the door’s cool surface and her eyes fall shut. The door did a surprisingly good job at drowning out the noise from inside and after a few moments of mostly silent bliss Trixie opened her eyes.

She found herself in a garden-like, roofless room. There were benches and trees spread around and a small path that lead to around the corner of the building. It smelled like spring and cigarettes.

Tentatively Trixie followed the path. She was aware that she wasn’t supposed to be here, but her curiosity was trumping her nerves. She stopped dead in her tracks when she rounded the corner. She could see a person, a woman, at the edge of the garden, looking down at the people beneath them, and smoke in her hand.

Trixie turned around and tried to sneak back without getting noticed but ended up almost tripping over a stone and notifying anyone within a 200-meter range that she was here. She froze like a deer in headlights, and slowly, almost in slow-motion, turned her head around with an apologetic look on her face.

For a moment confusion overtook her face, then an absolute manic smile. “Katya?” She asked in a high-pitched voice.

“Huh?” The figure, who Trixie presumed to be Katya answered. It looked like she was squinting, but Trixie couldn’t be sure in the dark. Then: “Trixie?”

“Katya!”

“Trixie!”

Without thinking much Trixie took of and ran towards Katya, picking her up, and spinning her around. Maybe she still was slightly drunk. Katya laughed while Trixie spun her, and Trixie felt her heart and stomach spin along with Katya.

“I didn’t know you were going to be here!” Trixie exclaimed once she had put Katya down. She didn’t step away from her, and they were probably way too close, but Trixie didn’t really feel like moving, and Katya didn’t move either, so Trixie stayed put.

“I helped Bianca and some of the other RAs get everything together before all you freshmen came. I went out here not long after everyone came.” Katya shrugged and looked away from Trixie.

It was a lot of information, but Trixie was still stuck on one of them. “You know Bianca?”

“She’s my roommate?” Katya looked at Trixie like she knew this already. She didn’t. She knew she would have remembered if Katya told her. Though, now that she thought about it, it made sense that Bianca was the girl, Katya had described when she talked about her roommate.

“Oh.” Was all Trixie said. Then she said, “I think she’s left the party with Adore.”

Katya raised both eyebrows in surprise. “Really?”

“Mhmm.”

“Wow. I hope she gets some, Lord knows she needs it. _I_ need it. I swear if I have to listen to her complain about her horniness one more time…”

Trixie laughed and blushed, Katya just laughed.

They were silent for a few moments then, and Trixie stared openly at Katya. She really had some nice eyes. They were really, really blue. Trixie wondered, if Katya knew just how blue her eyes were. Maybe she should tell her? Just to make sure she knew. That was what being a good friend was about, right?

Trixie took a shallow breath, and was about to tell Katya this, when Katya said “So, how come you’re out here?”

Trixie blinked a few times then shrugged. “I dunno...” That was a lie. “I mean, suddenly everything just got too loud and…” She shrugged again.

“I get that.” Katya said. “I feel like that, too, most of the time at parties.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. It easily just becomes too much, you know.” Trixie did know. “Also, I’m not that good friends with the RAs, except for Bianca, Jinkx and Sasha, but they were all busy, and I obviously don’t know the freshmen yet and most of the older students aren’t back yet and, yeah. I just went to get a smoke, but then I never returned.”

Trixie didn’t really know what to say, but she nodded, because she understood, and she wanted to let Katya know even if she couldn’t find the right words.

“Have you seen the view?”

Trixie shook her head. “No, I saw you, or, you know, I didn’t know it was you, and I just hoped to get away before anyone saw me because of the no entry sign. I obviously wasn’t very successful.” Trixie smiled crookedly, and Katya took Trixie’s hand and gently tugged her with her towards the place she had been standing when Trixie first spotted her. For a split-second Trixie thought of Bianca taking Adore’s hand and what that had meant according to Katya and couldn’t help but look down on Katya’s hand clamped around Trixie’s. Her head screamed at her to let go but instead she gave Katya’s hand a squeeze and followed her.

The view wasn’t anything spectacular and the sun wasn’t rising and there were no shooting stars, but Trixie’s breath still caught in her throat and she felt a little bit like crying because it felt so _right_.

Somehow Katya must have understood because she said, “I felt like that, too, when I was up here for the first time.”

Trixie felt known by Katya in that moment, in a way she hadn’t felt before.

When Katya squeezed her hand, Trixie was glad they were both looking at the people down below them and the buildings and the trees, and the stars and the moon, because it meant she didn’t see it when Trixie actually started crying. Or if she did, she pretended not to, and Trixie appreciated that, too.

Trixie tried to dry her eyes discreetly, but she knew Katya knew. “Sorry.” She said.

“Don’t apologize.” Katya said. “Let’s sit down.”

Trixie nodded, and looked for the nearest bench, but Katya just plumped down on the ground below them, so Trixie though fuck it and sat down, facing Katya. Their knees almost touched. If either were to move, just a bit, they would, and Trixie was so aware of this fact, but couldn’t make sense of _why_ she was.

“You can talk to me, if you want.” Katya said after a few beats of silence, looking Trixie right in the eye. Trixie wanted to say _I know_ , even though she didn’t. Instead she said, “Thanks.”

She opened her mouth again, but no words left her lips. The words were all whirling around in her mind, but they had stayed in there just for her for so long it seemed impossible that they could be said aloud, be shared with someone else.

“I haven’t really had the best childhood,” Trixie started. The words felt foreign on her lips and she realized it was the first time she had said them aloud. Sure, Kim had known, other people at school had too, probably, but she hadn’t ever talked about it. She kept her eyes on her hands “I never felt very at home when I was home. I don’t get along with my stepfather and my mom… She’s uh, she’s not very present. I love my brother, but he’s four years older than me, and left for college when I started high school, so I was alone most of the time. And Milwaukee always felt wrong, like it was suffocating me, but this… Boston. It’s not like that at all.” This was the light version of the truth, but it felt significant and Trixie both felt exhausted and like a huge weight had been lifted off of her shoulders.

Trixie quickly glimpsed at Katya through her eyelashes and she wanted to cry again when she saw the look on Katya’s face.

“I’m sorry, Trixie,” she said. She wasn’t pitiful, just factual.

“Can we talk about something else?” Trixie asked, and finally lifted her gaze to fully meet the other woman’s.

“Sure.” Katya answered. And they did. They talked so much Trixie’s throat felt slightly numb and the sun had started rising before they parted ways.

“I hope you got fucked,” Adore commented slyly when Trixie tried to sneak back into their room unnoticed.


	4. you're my river running high

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tuesdays had quickly become Pizza and Movie Tuesdays. At first, they had watched more serious movies, still in a state of somewhat wanting to impress the other, but it quickly became a competition to see, who could find the most ridiculous but still entertaining movie.  
> Every Tuesday, when she was at work, Trixie wanted to invite Katya. Multiple times she had walked up to her with the intention of asking her to come, but always ended up bailing at the last minute and talking to her about something else, mostly retelling a funny story about one of the kids.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, hello, hello!  
> Another chapter and it's only one day late this time (very impressive, I think)  
> I'm going on vacation for the next two weeks and I won't bring my computer, so there'll be no updates the next two Sundays :/  
> I hope you'll enjoy this chapter though and I would just love to hear your thoughts on it!!

Classes started and Trixie was in high spirits. None of them were too difficult and she actually managed to coordinate her assignments and her job at the kindergarten pretty well if she said so herself. She loved working at Over the Rainbow, and her love for the job only grew as she got to know the kids better. While some of them could be annoying at times, she still cared for all of them deeply – probably more than she should have. In some ways it felt like she had adopted sixteen children, all of them taking a small piece of her heart.

Adore and Trixie still got along very well, and Tuesdays had quickly become Pizza and Movie Tuesdays. At first, they had watched more serious movies, still in a state of somewhat wanting to impress the other, but it quickly became a competition to see, who could find the most ridiculous but still entertaining movie. So far Adore was in the lead with Bee Movie, but literally no one could beat that movie, and they had watched Hannah Montana: The Movie no less than three times, though not all of them had been on Tuesdays.

It had started out just being the two of them, but one day Courtney had come by to lend them some of her notes from Freshman year, and when she discovered they were watching Camp Rock she told them to scoot over and grabbed a pizza slice.

She came back the Tuesday after that, and the Tuesday after and soon became a part of their Pizza and Movie Tuesdays. Sometimes she brought Alaska with her, who always complained about their choice of movie but seemed to enjoy them anyway.

A few times Adore invited friends from some of her classes, but the only recurring one was Vanessa, who mostly just went by Vanjie. Where the nickname came from, Trixie had no idea, but it wasn’t much different than her going by Trixie instead of Beatrice. Trixie liked Vanjie a lot. Her energy always seemed to light up the room. A bit like Katya’s presence had a tendency to do.

One time, Trixie brought Pearl, whom she shared her Writing and Rhetoric class with and she felt very proud of herself for bringing a friend that only she knew.

Every Tuesday, when she was at work, she wanted to invite Katya. Multiple times she had walked up to her with the intention of asking her to come, but always ended up bailing at the last minute and talking to her about something else, mostly retelling a funny story about one of the kids.

It was stupid, really. Her and Katya had gotten quite close since the welcome party, and Trixie knew that Katya would be delighted to be invited.

They talked almost every day, either at the kindergarten or when they ran into each other on campus. They hadn’t purposefully met up in person, though, and that felt like a big step, and Trixie so hoped, that Katya would be the one to take it. She hadn’t yet.

Another reason Trixie hadn’t invited Katya yet, a reason she wasn’t willing to admit to anyone, least of all herself, was that some part of her wanted to keep Katya separate from the rest of her friends. Her friendship with Katya felt different from the friendships she had with the rest of the girls, and she feared that if she let them mix, that feeling would go away.

She feared even more that Katya would like them more than she liked her. Whenever she thought of that, she felt a bit like throwing up, so she tried not to think about it much.

 

“Ugh.” Adore came brawling in and let the door shut behind her with a loud smack. Then she threw herself dramatically on top of the books and notepads Trixie had lying before her, effectively gaining Trixie’s attention. Trixie didn’t mind much, she was almost done any way, and surprisingly found Adore’s theatrics quite endearing.

“What?” She asked and put her pen down.

“Bianca.” Adore said, as if that explained everything. It pretty much did.

The day after the welcome party Adore had told Trixie in great detail about her night with Bianca.

Trixie tried not to think too much about it but Adore had painted such vivid pictures it was hard to unsee what had been said. There had been kissing involved, lots and lots of kissing, and according to Adore Bianca was the best kisser in the world, and things had almost evolved to something _more_ , but Bianca had stopped them because she deemed Adore too drunk to give proper consent and had ended up following her to her dorm room instead, much to Adore’s great disappointment.

They had talked whenever they ran into each other afterwards but Adore couldn’t tell if Bianca was flirting or just being friendly. Sometimes, when they had turned the lights out, she told Trixie, that she was scared that Bianca was now only talking to her because of her duties as an RA. Trixie was quite sure that wasn’t the case from the retellings of their conversations, and tried to convince Adore of this, but that was easier said than done.

“What has she done now?”

Adore sighed. “Well, she hasn’t really done anything, like, that’s the problem. And every time I see her, or see someone who even slightly looks like her, my heart just like speeds up, and I didn’t sign up for that shit.”

“Hmm.” Trixie said.

She didn’t really have much, or any, experience in the romantic field. She hadn’t ever really had crushes on boys and hadn’t gotten it when everyone had started gushing about this boy and that boy. She hadn’t ever seen the appeal. She just figured she hadn’t met the right one yet. It would happen one day. Hopefully. “Have you tried just casually asking her to join you for coffee or a drink or something?”

Trixie wasn’t sure if that was a thing you could actually do, but it was her best advice in the moment.

Adore looked horrified at thought. “Bitch no, I couldn’t handle the rejection! Have you met her? She fucking terrifies me.”

Trixie didn’t think Adore would be rejected, but she couldn’t be sure, so she just hmm’ed again.

They were silent for a few moments and Trixie shifted positions, so she could lie with her head next to Adore’s.

“Maybe,” Trixie said quietly, “maybe you could invite her to one of our Pizza and Movie Tuesdays? You know, just casually mention that it’s a thing, and that she could stop by if she wanted.”

And maybe you could ask her to bring Katya.

“Dude.” Adore said and sat up. “Dude!” She shook Trixie shoulders, which was very uncomfortable considering Trixie was lying down. “You’re a fucking genius.”

Trixie smiled. “Tell me something I don’t know.”

 

Somehow Adore talked Trixie into inviting Katya and Bianca instead of doing it herself. How she had managed to persuade her, Trixie wasn’t really sure of, but she sure was regretting agreeing to it now.

Trixie had been relieved, though, when it had been Adore who had suggested that they invited Katya too. “That way it’ll look less like a date, you know, so I won’t scare her off. Just very casual, yeah. Just friends getting together, having fun. And it also won’t be as bad if she says no, right? Right.” She had argued, but to Trixie it felt more like she was trying to convince herself of this.

It was a quiet day at the kindergarten. A lot of the kids had either been sick, stayed home or was with their grandparents, so there were only 20 kids in total when Trixie had arrived. Latrice and Bob had decided to utilize the decrease in kids to get some of the planning done and had left Trixie and Katya to look after the kids.

“Why is it still so hot?” Katya complained. “It’s October, I should be stocking my dresser with sweaters and not suffer through this hell any longer.”

“Global warning.” Trixie said nonchalantly and with a very serious face. That made Katya laugh in the way only Katya could and Trixie smile slightly but wanting to smile a million-watt smile.

“I just wish we could cool down. Go to the beach or something. The kids must be so hot too, with all that running around.”

“Yeah, it must be horrible.” Trixie said and shook her head sympathetically. “When I was younger, my brother and I used to have these hour-long water fights in our backyard. It was the only way to survive the Wisconsin summer heat.”

Katya’s eyes got a dangerous glint to them. She cupped Trixie’s face with her hands, said “Yes!”, ran inside and left Trixie with burning cheeks and a heart beating too fast.

A few minutes later she repapered with a garden hose and a stack of small tubs filled with what looked like plastic cups in her arms. Trixie laughed at the sight, though laugh might have been a stretch. It sounded more like a screech if she was honest.

“We’re so gonna regret this.” Trixie said, still laughing.

“You gotta live life!” Was all Katya said before she dumped everything on the ground. “Who wants to have a water fight?” She yelled then, and all of the kids immediately dropped what they were doing and came running in their direction, laughing and screaming “Me, me, me!”

They tried splitting the kids in to two even teams, but it wasn’t very easy as everyone wanted to be with their best friends, and the smaller kids didn’t really get the concept of teams, but it worked out in the end. Katya and Trixie obviously weren’t on the same team. That wouldn’t really have been fair to any of the kids. It also made it easier to keep an eye on everyone.

They then divided up the tubs and the cups, filled the tubs with water and instructed the kids to take of everything but their underwear and put it on the bench. They helped those who couldn’t undress themselves and tried to memorize which clothes belonged to who in case the kids couldn’t remember themselves.

“On your marks!” Katya yelled, “three, two, one, go!”

All hell broke loose. The older kids were throwing water on each other and refilling their cups at the speed of lightning like their lives depended on it, multiple kids sought safety behind either Trixie or Katya, and some of the small ones started jumping in the puddles that were quickly gathering on the ground.

At first, Trixie didn’t engage too much in the fight, more intent on keeping an eye on everyone and making sure no one was targeted against their will, but she quickly got pulled in. She screeched loudly when Jamie and Dana both threw their cup of water on her at the same time.

“Oh no you don’t!” she said laughing and charged after them. They both giggled delighted as they ran from her and shrieked with joy when the water hit them. Trixie couldn’t help but smile fondly at them.

She turned around, then, and took in the scene. It looked like the teams had been totally disregarded, and it was everyone against everyone. Most of the kids were already completely drenched, their wet hair sticking to their foreheads. Then Trixie spotted Katya, who stood in a circle with some of the kids, away from the fighting. All of them had their arms around each other and everything about it screamed plotting. Maybe the teams weren’t fully disregarded anyway. Katya put her hand in the middle of the circle, and the kids followed suit all of them yelling, and then breaking out of the circle, running in different directions. Trixie didn’t get worried until she noticed most of them suddenly started charging for her.

“Now!” She could hear Katya yell from somewhere. Trixie couldn’t see where she had disappeared of to, and at the moment was more concerned by the seven kids running towards her, their cups spilling over with water. As one they threw the contents of their cups towards Trixie and she squealed when the cold water hit her.

“You little monsters!” Trixie said, laughing, and started shaking her head like a wet dog.

She stopped laughing momentarily when she heard Katya saying, “Get out of the way, out of the way kiddos!” It wasn’t the words that had that impact, but rather the fact that it was now Katya running towards her. Only she didn’t have a cup in her hand, but the garden hose and it was spraying water with such ferocity that Trixie knew she would be absolutely soaked within three seconds if it came anywhere near her.

“Katya, no!” Trixie exclaimed, eyes doubling in size. She took off running in the opposite direction of Katya, hoping to get away. She knew that it was a lost cause, but she wasn’t one to give up.

“There’s no escape Karen!” Katya laughed loudly behind her and only a second later the water hit her. She let out a dramatic whine. “You devil! You absolute devil!”

She was, as predicted, wet to her bones. Somehow Katya had even managed to get the front of her clothes wet. Or maybe it had been already, she wasn’t sure. This, Trixie thought, I can use to my advantage. She literally couldn’t get any wetter, so she turned around to face Katya, and then started running for her. Katya wasn’t expecting that, so she realized too late that she should have probably started running, too.

Trixie reached for the water hose and got a good grip on it almost right away. Then she viciously fought Katya to gain complete control of it and in the process made the water fly in every direction. In the end, Trixie won, and a devilish grin spread across her face.

“Payback’s a bitch.” Was all Trixie said before she directed the water towards Katya, soaking her within seconds. She laughed and probably sounded a bit manic, but Katya was laughing too, and so were all of the kids and Trixie felt truly happy.

 

Trixie had almost forgotten her task of inviting Katya and Bianca to the evenings Pizza and Movie Tuesday, getting caught up in the water fighting and the drying that followed. Almost.

The last kid had just been picked up, and Katya and Trixie were making rounds, checking that everything was locked. Trixie’s hair was still wet, and she could feel small droplets of water hitting her back every few seconds.

“Hey,” Trixie started, a bit unsure. Katya immediately looked at her and cocked her head slightly, a small smile on her lips. “Uh,” she scratched her wet hair, “Adore and I sort of have this tradition where we eat pizza and watch shitty movies each Tuesday, and, uhm, other people have started joining us, so I just… wanted to ask if you would like to come? Maybe? Only if you want –“

Katya interrupted her, her smile wide, showing of all of her perfect, white teeth, “I would love to Trixie!”

Trixie smiled back, relieved. “Great! That’s great.” Her heart was beating so hard she feared it was about to break through her ribcage. She stared a bit more at Katya, feeling herself slowly beginning to calm down. Katya stared back.

“Oh! Uh, I promised Adore to ask if you’d get Bianca to come, too?”

“You did, did you?” Katya asked and wiggled her eyebrows suggestively.

Trixie laughed. “Yeah. She’s been talking about her so much my ears might start bleeding if I hear the name Bianca ever again.”

Katya laughed, delighted. Trixie laughed, too. Katya’s laugh was infectious like that.

“I’ll make sure she comes.” Katya said then, more serious, and she sounded so sure of that fact Trixie couldn’t do anything but nod. “Not that I think it’ll take much to convince her.”

“No?” Trixie asked, a slow smile spreading.

“No. Not when I mention a certain girl with brown and green hair is going to be there.” Katya wiggled her eyebrows again. Trixie laughed again. Then they both smiled at each other, and Trixie could feel her heart speeding up again.

 

Adore had more or less jumped into Trixie’s arms when Trixie retold her conversation with Katya. “You really are my best bitch!” she exclaimed, before taking out her phone to order today’s delivery of pizza.

Trixie rolled her eyes when Adore had basically doubled their normal size of order and gotten an excessive amount of fries and mozzarella sticks, too.

They then fought courageously to move the mattress from Adore’s bed onto the floor in front of Trixie’s and threw blankets and pillows on top of it.

Courtney and Alaska were the first to arrive. Alaska’s “Hiiii” let them know who had sauntered into their room without them looking.

They threw themselves onto the mattress, tehir usual spots, and briefly fought for one of the pillows, Alaska winning.

“Is anyone else coming tonight?” Courtney asked as she placed her legs atop of Alaska’s.

Trixie and Adore shared a glance, and Trixie had a feeling they were both fighting to hide their smiles.

“Katya and Bianca, we think.” Trixie said.

She contemplated sitting down, but she felt restless, like she had this nervous energy that just wouldn’t leave her body and left her feeling jittery.

“Katya, that’s the girl you work with, right Trix?” Courtney caught Trixie’s eye and this time she couldn’t help the smile that inevitably spread across her face.

“Yeah, that’s her.”

“Good, I liked her.” Courtney smiled back, approvingly, a glint of something in her eyes.

They were silent, then, until Alaska started gossiping about what she had been up to the previous weekend with Detox and Roxy. If anyone else had told a tale that outrageous Trixie wouldn’t have believed them, but Alaska lived a wild life, especially when she was with Detox and Roxy, so Trixie knew she was telling the truth. Or at least some version of it.

A knock could be heard, then muffled voices saying indistinctive words. Adore had gotten up to answer the door and had almost reached it when it was flung open.

“Good evening fellow forest nymphs!” Katya greeted cheerfully as she walked in, Bianca at her side.

“Evening whores,” Bianca’s rough voice followed.

Introductions were made, pizzas were delivered, and seats were taken. Adore, Bianca and Katya ended up sitting on Trixie’s bed, Adore and Bianca rather close together, which Adore seemed very satisfied with, and Trixie on the mattress next to Alaska and Courtney, Katya right behind her.

“What are we watching today?” Alaska asked when everyone had settled down, pizza slices in hand. “Please, not Bee Movie again. I swear I will leave the room and you bitches will never see me again.”

“Then my vote goes to Bee Movie,” Courtney said, gaining a punch on the shoulder from Alaska along with some creative curses.

“How do you guys feel about dead dads on a beach?” Katya wondered aloud, a vicious smile on her lips.

“No.” Bianca said immediately. “No way.”

“But it’s so good!” Katya argued. “Listen, Jodie Foster –“

“We’re not watching Contact.”

Katya shook her head but didn’t seem too bothered. “One day.” She whispered mournfully to no one in particular.

“How about…” Adore said, already laughing, “How about Shrek?”

“No!” chorused through the, the most distinctive one Alaska’s.

“Mean Girls?” Trixie asked.

“But we’ve already watched that.” Courtney argued.

“Yeah, but it’s so good.”

“I say no, too.” Bianca said, and that was that.

Several more movies were thrown out, all of them shot down.

“Miss Congeniality?” Courtney suggested, sighing.

No one objected quickly enough, so Courtney got up from where she was sitting to start the movie before anyone would make a point that would have them back at square one.

Not even five minutes into the film Vanjie came crashing in. “Sorry I’m late, I had to help this really hot Canadian find some dance teacher’s office, and I got a bit sidetracked, but she was so, _so_ hot.”

Vanessa grabbed two pieces of pizza and folded them, then shook both Bianca’s and Katya’s hand, saying “Vanjie, hi nice to meet you.”

Only then did Trixie realize Vanjie had said she. _She_.

“What was your name? Bianca. Oh wait, I remember you, you’re a RA, right?”

Not only had Vanjie just said _she_ , she had said it so casually, just thrown it out there, no fear of judgement, no nothing. Trixie’s stomach churned.

“Oh, Katya, that’s a great name. I once had a cat I wanted to name Katya, because cat and Katya. You get it? But I had to compromise and ended with Fluffy.”

Trixie stood up and rewinded the movie a few minutes. No one had had a chance of hearing a word that was being said over Vanjie’s chatter. When she turned around Vanessa had taken her spot on the mattress and smiled brightly at her, clearly knowing what she had been doing, but having no qualms about it.

Trixie stood still, uncertain. Then Katya moved and patted the now empty spot next to her. Trixie smiled at her gratefully and swallowed a lump the size of her heart when she sat down.

Their thighs were pressed together, and their arms touched every time they moved. Trixie had a hard time concentrating on the movie, though she tried to. She tried so hard. She laughed a lot, but that was only thanks to Katya’s quiet commentary whispered into Trixie’s ear. Towards the end Katya leaned her head on Trixie’s shoulder and Trixie didn’t move at all for the rest of the movie. She hardly even breathed.


	5. i felt it burning in a way

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ladies, hookers and all in between, you’ve been one of the selected few who’s been grazed by a higher power and are therefore invited to our annual Halloween party! Expect to listen to spooky music and move your body in compelling ways to the beats of aforementioned spook tunes while drinking toxic substances and munching on delicious snacks that will only be a few hundred years too old.  
> Come in a costume or go home. No drugs allowed.  
> We take no responsibility for possibly impaired vocal cords and hope you’ll enjoy a horrendous evening in our godlike company.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back from France, and updating on time!!  
> I'm not entirely happy about how this chapter turned out, but I still had so much fun incorporating all the social media stuff. I hope you'll like it and would love to hear your thoughts on it!

**_Katya Zamolodchikova has invited you to Bianca and Katya’s halloween extravaganza_ **

 

Trixie stared at her phone, not really comprehending the words. She read it again, to make sure she hadn’t misread anything.

 

**_Katya Zamolodchikova has invited you to Bianca and Katya’s halloween extravaganza_ **

 

There wasn’t really anything to misunderstand and a huge smile spread across Trixie’s face. She clicked on the notification and was greeted with a photo of Katya doing the splits dressed as a cheerleader and Bianca squatting besides her in a judge’s robes and a very cheap-looking wig, both of them wearing somber expressions. Trixie touched the photo and, without thinking much, saved it on her phone.

She sort of wanted to crop out Katya and use that part of the photo as her lock screen, but that would be weird, so she didn’t. She kept studying the photo though. She looked at it so intensely she was pretty sure she would be able to recreate it from memory if she had had any sort of artistic skills.

Then she remembered that the reason she was even looking at this photo to begin with was because of the invitation. She, somewhat reluctantly, touched the small x in the corner and watched as the photo went from filling up her entire screen, to just grazing the top. 27 people had been invited to the Halloween part, 4 were already participating, and 3 had said maybe.

Trixie clicked on the box that said invited and was relieved when she saw that she was friends with or knew of a good portion of the people who were invited.

Their pizza and movie crew were all invited, and Adore had already clicked that she was participating, which made Trixie roll her eyes fondly.

She scrolled down the list and recognized Sasha and Shea as some of Katya’s friends. Detox and Roxy were invited too, though Trixie wasn’t sure how she felt about them coming.

Alaska had told some tales that Trixie would hate to be caught up in, but knew that they must have good qualities and be overall good people, because Alaska was friends with them and Alaska was good people. And she was pretty sure that they knew how to turn a party, which was a definite plus in this situation.

She kept scrolling and couldn’t help but notice how female all the invitees were. So far there had only been a few, maybe four or so, boys that had been invited, which was quite curious. She didn’t recognize any more names or pictures and went on to read the description.

 

> _Ladies, hookers and all in between, you’ve been one of the selected few who’s been grazed by a higher power and are therefore invited to our annual Halloween party! Expect to listen to spooky music and move your body in compelling ways to the beats of aforementioned spook tunes while drinking toxic substances and munching on delicious snacks that will only be a few hundred years too old._
> 
> _Come in a costume or go home. No drugs allowed._
> 
> _We take no responsibility for possibly impaired vocal cords and hope you’ll enjoy a horrendous evening in our godlike company._

 

Trixie smiled stupidly at her phone. Katya’s voice was so evident in the description that she could almost hear her voice in her mind while reading it.

There were no posts on the event yet, so Trixie just clicked on the participation button. There was no way she wasn’t coming to this party.

She stared at her screen for a few moments before locking her phone and placing it back on the table.

She needed to find a costume and it had to be one hell of a costume.

 

“What about this?” Courtney asked and held what was supposed to be a sexy zombie costume in front of her, but it was not very sexy nor very zombie-like.

Trixie couldn’t stop the laugh that escaped her at the horrible suggestion, mostly because of Courtney’s sincerity.

“Honey. Honey, no.”

Courtney regraded the costume again. “Oh well. I suppose it is rather ugly.” She put it back on the rack with a shrug.

Trixie continued pulling out costumes, disregarding most in an instant. She needed to find the perfect costume, and she knew that Adore was in the same boat as her, though she was quite sure that their definitions of the perfect costume were rather different.

Both of them turned in the direction of Adore when they heard her laugh followed by a “duuuude”.

A few seconds later Adore appeared with a horrifying Teletubby head pulled over her own. She looked horrible, to put it mildly.

“Oh. My. God.” Trixie exclaimed, and doubled over with laughter. She tried to get her bearings, but another look at Adore caused her to screech again.

Courtney was probably in the same state of hysteria as Trixie, if her laughing and muttering was anything to go by.

“Don’t move!” Trixie then ordered, literal tears streaming down her cheeks. With shaky hands she fished her phone out of her purse and tried her best to keep it still while taking a ridiculous number of pictures, praying that at least one of them would be somewhat in focus.

“I’m changing my lock screen!” She laughed. Then repeated “oh my god” over and over again.

“I’ll pay you 50 bucks if you wear that thing to the party,” Courtney said, tears in her eyes.

“Bitch no amount of money would be enough for me to wear this shit. I’m practically blind and wouldn’t be able to have a fucking drink.”

“I’ll pitch in, too!” Trixie said. She was serious but Adore probably couldn’t tell due to the fact that Trixie still had a hard time breathing.

“Fuck you bitch!” Adore said, but she was laughing too, under the monstrosity of that headpiece.

“Hold on, I’ll bet you Courtney and I won’t be the only ones who feel very, very strongly about this.” Trixie said, as unlocked her phone and started creating a group chat, still laughing slightly.

 

** operation convince adore to be a teletubby for halloween **

**_Trixie_ ** _added **Courtney** to the chat_

 **_Trixie_ ** _added **Adore** to the chat_

 **_Trixie_ ** _added **Katya** to the chat_

 **_Trixie_ ** _added **Bianca** to the chat_

 **_Trixie_ ** _added **Alaska** to the chat_

 **_Trixie_ ** _added **Vanessa** to the chat_

 **_Trixie_ ** _sent a photo_

 **Trixie** : how much are y’all willing to pay for adore to come dressed as this to the halloween party?

 **Trixie** : courtney and i have scraped 100 bucks together so far

 **Alaska** : omggg

 **Alaska** : i’m cryin

 **Alaska** : i have 34 dollars in my bank account but i need this more than i need food

 **Vanessa** : what the fuck is that monstrosity

 **Adore** : no don’t encourage them you bitches

 **Vanessa** : i don’t have any money but i’ll pay with alcohol

 **Vanessa** : lots and lots of shots

 **_Alaska_ ** _changed **Vanessa** ’s nickname to **Vanjie**_

 **Trixie** : every contribution counts vanjie

 **Bianca** : brb changing my background

 **Adore** : bianca no

 **Trixie** : bianca yes

 **Bianca** : now I’ll never be able to look at my phone with a straight face again

 **Katya** : it wasn’t very straight to begin with

 **Vanjie** : lololol

 **Alaska** : omg katya

 **Bianca** : well…

 **Katya** : also I can’t believe you went costume shopping without me :(

 **Courtney** : we’ll bring you next time

 **Adore** : if you stop them from this madness i’ll send you the address

 **Katya** : ... sure

 **Katya** : i definitely won’t help them persuade you

 **Katya** : definitely not

 **Adore** : hmmm

 **Trixie** : bring all your money

 **Trixie** : this girl ain’t cheap

_**Courtney** has shared her live location_

**Katya** : omw lol

 **Alaska** : katya take pictures and do god’s work

 **Vanjie** : girl you better convince her

 **Katya** : I will ;););)

 **Bianca** : Not like that you whore

 **Katya** : ;););););)

 **Bianca** : ...

 

Katya arrived fifteen minutes later with flushed cheeks and a crooked smile.

She pulled down the front of her dress, wiggled her eyebrows and bit her lip before saying, “I’m here to do some persuasion.” She then shook her breast in the general direction of Adore and winked at her. “Is it working yet?”

Katya looked absolutely ridiculous, and none of them were able to keep a straight face for long.

“God, if you think that’s flirting, I pity whoever you try to pick up.” Adore said, cackling.

“I know a trick or two!” Katya licked her upper lip as if to prove this was true.

A thought hit Trixie so out of the blue that she froze in place for a second, unable to do anything but just stand there.

The thought was this: Katya was attractive.

The thought was also this: Katya was attractive while doing that absolutely ridiculous over the top flirting face, even though she shouldn’t have been. Even though Trixie shouldn’t have found _her_ attractive. Especially because of that.

Then all Trixie could think was fuck.

She could see them still talking, and was vaguely aware that sounds were being made, but none of them were making any sort of sense. Really, it all sounded more like white noise than actual words.

She felt nauseous. She tried to smile but was sure that it looked more like a grimace than anything else.

She had the sudden urge to run out of the store, and just keep running until her legs couldn’t carry her any longer. Then she would crawl, and when she wouldn’t be able to do that, either, she would simply lay down, on the road, or in a forest, or by the sea, or wherever she ended up and just lay there until everything stopped. Until she stopped feeling and thinking and being.

She didn’t run, obviously. She wasn’t a particularly strong runner, either, so she probably wouldn’t have gotten longer than to the nearest gas station before giving up.

A touch at her lower back sent her back to reality. She turned her head, and saw Katya looking at her expectantly.

“What?” Trixie asked, voice barely audible.

“I asked if you were okay.”

“Oh.” Trixie swallowed. “Uhm, yeah. Yeah, no, I just, uh, got a bit dizzy.”

Katya narrowed her eyes. She didn’t look like she really believed her, even if it wasn’t technically a lie, but she didn’t press the subject any further.

“Alright.” Katya studied Trixie’s face. “I can take you home, if you want? I borrowed Bianca’s car. Well, borrowed might be a stretch because I didn’t actually ask. But she has given me a key to it, so I think that counts as general permission to use the car whenever.”

Trixie was silent for a few seconds, thinking about the offer. The nausea had disappeared, thankfully. The urge to run away had, too. Mostly, at least.

She looked at Katya again and thought of the more pressing issue. Sure, Katya was attractive. But so were many other girls, so it didn’t matter. Lots of girls thought other girls were pretty. That was normal. So what if there was something about Katya that made her be more so than all the other girls.

“It’s okay, but thanks.” Trixie smiled genuinely. “Really.”

“Any time. Just say the word.” Katya squeezed her shoulder.

Trixie smiled a little broader as a response.

 

“Guys, I don’t know. I miss my fishnets.” Adore looked down at herself, biting her lip.

“Girl you look gorgeous!” Courtney said, walking around Adore, admiring her.

“Yes, you look absolutely amazing!” Katya confirmed, backing up Courtney.

And Adore really did look good, Trixie thought, in the green skirt, that acted as a fishtail, the purple clams and a red, wavy wig.

“You think so?” Adore asked, still looking at herself, not quite convinced.

“Definitely.” Trixie said. “Also,” Trixie took a step closer to Adore and whispered just loud enough that only she could hear her, “I’m pretty sure that Bianca would approve of this outfit.”

Adore’s eyes lit up. “Yeah?”

“For sure. Anyone with eyes would.”

“Okay.” Adore looked at herself. “Okay fuck it then. I’ll be the hottest little mermaid to ever walk this earth.”

“That’s more like it!” Courtney said enthusiastically.

“You wanna buy the teletubby head as a backup. Just in case?” Katya asked with a grin plastered all over her face.

“Fuck no!”

“That’s a shame.” Katya eyed the teletubby. “I might buy it then.”

“Are you serious?” Adore looked at her unbelievingly.

“Well, one of us has to buy it. We have found this by fate!”

“Look at how fucking ugly it looks though.” Courtney said, gesturing wildly at the admittedly very ugly head.

“That’s why we need it. It’s so ugly we _have_ to own it.”

“You know what, I agree. It is too ugly to not buy.” Trixie said after a moment of consideration.

“Yes!” Katya pointed at Trixie. “Trix gets it! She gets it.” She smiled broadly and patted her happily on the shoulder.

Trixie’s heart did a little flip when she heard the nickname. Technically Trixie was a nickname, but she had chosen that for herself, so it didn’t really count. And, well, she had to admit, she had always kind of wanted a real nickname. Now it seemed that wish had come true.

“You two go ahead and buy it, then, I’m not gonna stop you.” Adore grinned. “As long as I don’t have to wear it, do whatever the fuck you want with it.” She winked at them.

“Seeing as neither of you have found a costume yet, I’ll PayPal either of you 20 dollars if you wear it for the party.” Courtney said, amused.

“Why only 20? You were two seconds from giving Adore 50 on the spot not even 30 minutes ago.” Katya asked with a raised eyebrow and a smile.

“That’s life sweetie. Supply and demand or whatever. You’re buying it anyway, right?”

“What I’m doing is going back to Russia.” Katya said and made a face at them. “Fucking capitalists.”

 

Trixie could not sleep. It wasn’t anything new, especially because it was a Sunday, and Sundays were cursed in that way. But tonight, it bugged her more than usually. She kept turning, but no position was comfortable for more than a few minutes. She was fully aware that she was bordering on being the most irritating roommate alive, but thanked God that Adore had gotten stoned a few hours earlier and that the lasting effects of the weed had made her not care at all about noises and fall asleep not two minutes after her head hit the pillow.

This Sunday, it seemed, was a Sunday for thinking. And Trixie couldn’t stop thinking about her realization at the costume store earlier. Her realization that Katya was attractive.

She wished she just thought Katya was attractive because she fit in with the beauty standards, but she didn’t, exactly. Her sense of style was so weird that it was impossible for Katya to fit into that category, but somehow, for some reason, that only made Trixie think of her as more attractive. Which she wasn’t supposed to. Definitely not.

Also, she wasn’t supposed to think of Katya at 2am.

She tried to think of other things, and mostly tried not to think at all, but it was quite impossible and every five minutes her thoughts went back to Katya, though she prayed they wouldn’t.

She pulled out her phone, despite her knowledge that it was stupid. She had read somewhere that looking at your phone 30 minutes before going to bed was a horrendous idea, so she could only imagine how much worse it would be, looking at your phone while you were supposed to fall asleep, but she could not deal with the loudness of her thoughts anymore and she felt awake enough to run a marathon, so she pulled out her phone anyway.

She opened Facebook and started scrolling through mind-numbing posts.

 

 **Adore Delano** shared a post

_This is the funniest!!_

[a meme about college life]

You, Katya Zamolodchikova and 21 other people have liked this

Bianca del Rio: _bahahaha_

Trixie Mattel: _omg I’m crying_

 

**Connie Mattel Johnson**

_Feeling thankful for all the Lord has given us!_

With **@Gary Johnson**

[picture of Connie and Gary in front of a church, both smiling]

Jonathan Mattel and 31 other people have liked this

 

**Alaska Thunderfuck**

_Let’s partyyy_

With **@Roxy Andrews** and **@Detox Icunt**

[picture of Alaska with a drink in her hand] [picture of Alaska, Detox and Roxy. Detox is squatting in front of the other two. Alaska and Roxy are standing back to back, making finger guns in opposite directions] [picture of Detox and Roxy with their arms around each other, grinning broadly] and 14 more pictures

You, Courtney Act and 52 other people have liked this

Roxy Andrews: _we look so good!!_

 

**Maggie Rogers**

_Some hot content from the last show! Thanks so much for coming out to see me Kentucky!!_

[picture of Maggie Rogers posing in front of a crowd] [picture of Maggie Rogers doing a hair whip on stage] [picture of Maggie Rogers holding a microphone with closed eyes] and 6 more pictures

12 thousand people have liked this

 

 **Katya Zamolodchikova** answered a comment

[a meme about potatoes]

31,2 thousand people liked this

Sasha Velour: _@Katya this u_

   Katya Zamolodchikova: _lol yes_

   Katya Zamolodchikova: _but real talk potatoes are the best_

   Sasha Velour: _not gonna argue with the truth_

 

**Country life memes**

[a meme about cows]

13,7 thousand people liked this

 

 **Jonathan Mattel** updated his profile picture

[picture of Jonathan in profile, smiling slightly. The ocean is behind him]

You, Connie Mattel Johnson and 54 other people liked this

Click to show four more comments 

Connie Mattel Johnson: _my handsome boy_

Brad Oliver: _damn son_

Trixie Mattel: _now for the first time I’m sure we’re siblings cause no one with different genes than me could possibly turn it this much_

   Jonathan Mattel: _lol i miss you sis_

   Trixie Mattel: _miss you too_

 

Trixie clicked out of Facebook. She felt no more tired than before, but her thoughts weren’t as prominent anymore, so she counted it as a win.

She lay in the glow from her screen for some time, just staring at nothing, before opening Instagram.

The first thing she noticed was the little symbol that told her someone had tagged her in a picture. Curious, she clicked on it.

 **Katya_zamo** has tagged you in a picture

Trixie suddenly felt like she had drunk four cans of redbull in two minutes and could feel her heart beating faster and faster. She clicked on the symbol and was greeted with a picture of her and Katya posing with the teletubby head between them.

 **Katya_zamo:** _We’ve adopted a child!! Ain’t he a cutie?_

Trixie’s stomach did a funny twist and for a second Trixie couldn’t stop herself from imagining having a child with Katya. This obviously didn’t make any sense, because she would definitely birth her own kids, and two women couldn’t really make that possible (right?) and it wasn’t really a thing to adopt kids with your friends as far as she knew. Even if you apparently thought that friend was attractive. No, nope. No more thinking of Katya as attractive.

Still, she couldn’t help but catch glimpses of that life:

Her in a sofa with a baby in her arms smiling up at Katya’s beaming face.

Katya lying on her stomach on the floor, the baby in the same position opposite her, Katya making funny faces.

Trixie and Katya each holding a hand of a girl with pigtails, walking in a park.

Trixie sitting cross legged with a guitar in her lap, Katya and the girl sitting across from her, all of them singing a silly song.

Trixie and Katya sitting next to each other on a beach, watching a girl play in the sand.

Trixie and Katya holding hands –

She shook her head and felt her heart sinking. She was so confused, but she wasn’t sure why. Or maybe she knew why, but she didn’t want to think about _that_. All she knew for sure, was that she felt bad and a little bit dirty.

For a few minutes she contemplated waking up Adore, though she wasn’t sure how that would be of any help. Maybe just talking to her, hearing her blabber about nothing would make her feel better. Or at least slightly less wrong than she did right now.

In the end, she didn’t wake up Adore but commented on Katya’s photo.

 **trixiemattel** : _remember it’s your turn to get him to shut up if he starts crying tonight_

Not even a full minute later Trixie received a text from Katya.

 **Katya** : hey you still up?

 **Trixie** : yeah, can’t sleep

 **Katya** : me neither

Trixie started typing a response, and at the same three little dots appeared next to Katya, indicating she was typing too.

Trixie then deleted what she had been typing, and two seconds later the dots next to Katya also disappeared.

For a few heartbeats nothing happened, but then the dots next to Katya’s name reappeared.

 **Katya** : you haven’t found a costume yet, right?

 **Trixie** : no

 **Trixie** : it’s harder than i anticipated

 **Katya** : it’s probably stupid

 **Katya** : but i have this idea for a costume, only i can’t do it alone

 **Trixie** : yeah?

 **Katya** : yeah

 **Katya** : i was wondering if maybe you would want to do it with me? only if you want to

 **Trixie** : sure!!

 **Katya** : really?

 **Trixie** : yes!

 **Katya** : you don’t even know what we’re dressing up as though

 **Trixie** : i’m sure it’ll be better than the teletubby head

 **Katya** : god i hope so

 **Trixie** : good

 **Trixie** : what are we dressing up as?

 **_Katya_ ** _sent a photo_

 **Katya** : this!!!

 **Katya** : if i can do it right

 **Trixie** : what!!

 **Trixie** : that’s such a cool idea

 **Katya** : i know right?

 **Trixie** : definitely

They were silent for a few seconds. Trixie badly wanted to continue the conversation, but her mind had gone blank, so she just crossed her fingers and kept staring intensely a the screen in the hopes that Katya would send a new message.

 **Katya** : can I ask you something else?

 **Trixie** : of course

Dots appeared, disappeared, then appeared again.

 **Katya** : never mind

 **Trixie** : you sure?

 **Trixie** : you can talk to me, if you want

 **Katya** : thanks

 **Katya** : maybe i’ll try again tomorrow

 **Trixie** : okay

 **Katya** : goodnight Trixie

 **Trixie** : goodnight Katya 

Trixie turned off her phone then, but didn’t fall asleep for at least another hour, her conversation with Katya playing over and over in her mind.

She couldn’t help wondering, what it was, Katya had wanted to ask her. She hoped Katya would ask her question tomorrow, whatever it was.


	6. i couldn't say it to myself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trixie: hey, what time should i come over?
> 
> Trixie: and where do we meet?
> 
> Katya: could you do around 3-ish? at the venue. just so I have enough time to paint both of us :)
> 
> Trixie: yeah sure, no problem!
> 
> Katya: okay, great!
> 
> Katya: also i hope you won’t mind helping bianca and i decorating a bit? we’ll probably be mostly done, at least with the big things, when you arrive, but you know me haha
> 
> Trixie: not at all, it sounds fun
> 
> Katya: great!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Omg this chapter took control of me and I ended up writing 4k words more than planned lol.  
> I might not post next week as I'm working a lot and will probably be very tired when I get home, but I'm very invested in this story right now, so you never know.  
> I hope you'll enjoy this chapter and would really love to hear your thoughts on it!!

Trixie woke up two hours before her alarm was set to go off. _Two hours_. Trixie normally slept like the dead and was impossible to get out of bed before it was absolutely necessary. Often she had to set multiple alarms if she had somewhere important she needed to be, so she was quite confused when she woke up and saw that it was only 8:30.

She closed her eyes again, determined to get some more sleep, but it was a fruitless attempt and she gave up after about two minutes.

She turned over in her bed to face the room. Adore was still asleep, mouth slightly agape and sprawled all over her bed, one arm hanging slightly over the edge of it.

She stared at Adore for a while, then at the curtained window, then at the ceiling. She took out her phone, but nothing much new had happened since she had checked it before going to bed last night. The most exciting thing was Vanjie posting a selfie on Instagram, which she did quite often, so it wasn’t really all that exciting. Trixie liked it and commented ‘Cutie!!” anyway.

She sighed. Only ten minutes had gone by since she had first checked the time, but it felt like much, much longer.

She decided she might as well take a shower now, before everyone else woke up. It was after all quite early considering it was a Saturday, and today was a sure day to stand in line if you didn’t get there early. If you were really unlucky the showers might even have run out of hot water, and you would just have to accept that that was now your life.

She got up and got all her things as quietly as she could. She kept shooting Adore worried glances though, because even though she tried hard to not make any sounds she was notorious for being loud.

She thanked her lucky star when she left the room and Adore was still fast asleep.

She knew how much Adore had been looking forward to the Halloween party, and she would hate herself if she woke Adore up early. She had been raving to Trixie about the party since the day they had gotten the invite, and Trixie knew she was this excited both because it was a party, and because Bianca was going to be there. Probably mostly because Bianca was going to be there.

She still couldn’t shut up about her. When Trixie thought about it, it had actually become worse since Bianca had started coming to their Pizza and Movie Tuesdays. It made sense though, that it would, considering Adore and Bianca was actually getting to know each other, and what Trixie, and probably anyone with eyes, could see was, that they seemed to just connect. It was a bit weird and they seemed like a very unlikely couple, but, somehow, they just worked together.

Trixie couldn’t wait for the day they realized this. Or maybe, more exactly, she couldn’t wait for the day they would finally address this, as it was pretty obvious to Trixie that they both knew this.

As Trixie reached her destination – the showers – she was happy to see, that her calculations about people sleeping in had been right and she had the space pretty much to herself. She recognized a girl who lived on the same floor as her and gave her a polite smile before getting into the shower stall furthest from the door.

She showered for longer than was necessary but couldn’t really get herself to care. She used her good conditioner, the one she only used on special occasions, and couldn’t help humming stupid songs about love to herself under her breath.

It was probably all the thinking about Bianca and Adore.

When Trixie left her shower stall, she spotted a tall, bald girl who she recognized as one of this year’s RA’s and Katya’s friend. She was pretty sure her name was Sasha. Like 90% sure.

Apparently, Sasha (hopefully) recognized her too.

“Trixie, right?” She caught her eye in the mirror and gave her a smile.

“Oh, uhm. Yeah.” Trixie smiled back. “Sasha?”

Sasha nodded and turned around to face Trixie directly. “Yes.”

Trixie was a bit surprised to be honest. While she knew about Sasha, she hadn’t expected Sasha to know who she was, and she definitely hadn’t expected her to know her name.

“You’re coming to Kat and B’s party tonight?” Sasha asked her, but it was more conversational than an actual question.

“I’m am, yeah! You are too, right?”

“I wouldn’t miss it. If it’s anything like last year’s party, it’s going to be badass.”

“Last year’s party looked like it was the bomb.” Trixie said, and shifted her weight from one leg to the other.

Sasha looked a bit perplexed.

“Oh, uh, Katya showed me some pictures when we were walking home from the kindergarten the other day.” Trixie looked down for a second, half to hide her growing smile, half to look at something other than Sasha’s clever eyes. “So, yeah, I’m just really looking forward to it.”

“You should.” Sasha gave her a calming smile that Trixie only saw through her lashes. “I heard you’re doing a costume thing with Katya?”

Trixie wasn’t sure why Sasha would know that but figured that Katya most have told her. Or maybe she had seen some of it, too. It had been in the works for a few weeks now, so if she had been around Katya and Bianca’s room, she would probably have seen it. “Yes, it’s going to be so cool!”

“Cool, but also weird. That’s inevitable though, considering Katya’s involved.”

“That too.” Trixie agreed, and before she could stop herself, she started rambling. “I just think it’s so crazy, like how did she even come up with this idea? I would never have the imagination to think about something like that. She’s so smart. Like properly clever. Probably no one but Katya would ever think of this.” Trixie laughed. “Her brain works in ways yet unknown to human kind, let me tell you!”

“Yeah, she’s pretty fantastic.” Sasha smiled broader and then regarded her for a moment. “I’m glad you like her as much as she likes you.”

Trixie could feel heat flush to her head. “What do you mean?”

“Just that you talk about her the same way she talks about you.”

Before she could stop herself, the words “she talks about me?” had left her mouth, leaving Trixie slightly embarrassed and red-cheeked.

“Quite a lot at that too.”

“Oh.”

Sasha smiled. “Anyway, I’ll see you later. It was nice meeting you.”

“You too.” Trixie said and smiled. It was a bit forced, but it was all she could muster up in that moment when the only thing going through her brain was _Katya talks about me,_ _Katya talks about me, Katya talks about me_.

 

 **Trixie** : hey, what time should i come over?

 **Trixie** : and where do we meet?

 **Katya** : could you do around 3-ish? at the venue. just so I have enough time to paint both of us :)

 **Trixie** : yeah sure, no problem!

 **Katya** : okay, great!

 **Katya** : also i hope you won’t mind helping bianca and i decorating a bit? we’ll probably be mostly done, at least with the big things, when you arrive, but you know me haha

 **Trixie** : not at all, it sounds fun

 **Katya** : great!

 **Katya** : you’re probably gonna be better at it than me anyways

 **_Trixie_ ** _sent the maybe so meme_

 **Katya** : hahaha

 **Katya** : i look forward to seeing you

 **Trixie** : me too

 **Trixie** : <3

 

Trixie rechecked google maps and then looked up at the building in front of her again. She really hoped she was in the right place.

Somewhat hesitantly she opened the door. She was met by a huge room which’s walls were entirely covered in what appeared to be black plastic bags cut open. It was divided into different sections. In one part of the room was a bunch of mitch-matched chairs and two sofas that were arranged into a few smaller circles, in another was what would probably work as the bar for the evening. Around it stood a couple of long tables, probably to play beer pong or another drinking game like it on. In a third section the floor was covered in Halloween movie posters with an enormous speaker standing against the wall facing the made-up dancefloor. Trixie couldn’t help laughing slightly.

She was pretty sure she was in the right place.

“Hello?”

No answer. She tried again, a bit louder. “Hello! Hi! Katya? Bianca?”

Somewhere she could hear a muffled sound. She looked around confused, before catching a movement towards the back of the room. A door that had previously been hidden behind a plastic bag opened and there stood Katya, white teeth on full display. Trixie couldn’t help but match her smile.

“Trixie!”

“Katya, hey!”

Trixie put down her bag and started to make her way towards Katya, and Katya was practically skipping across the room. Katya opened her arms, ready to embrace Trixie a few steps before they met and threw her arms around Trixie as soon as she could. Trixie hugged her back and couldn’t help but pull her a bit closer when she could feel Katya squeeze her, her head more or less buried in Trixie’s neck.

They hugged for a long time, but Trixie didn’t have it in her to let go. Not yet.

A cough from behind them was what made them break away from each other.

“Hi Bianca!” Trixie smiled brightly at her before giving her a short hug.

“What’s up whore.” Bianca said before giving her a smile.

“Where should I put my bag?” Trixie asked, looking between Katya and Bianca.

“We’ve made a dressing room of sorts, right through the kitchen. Just go through the door I entered through.” Katya said and pointed to the door that now was visible.

“Will do! I’ll be back in a second.”

Trixie went back for her bag, that had been abandoned on the floor. As she made her way towards the door, she could hear Bianca muttering something to Katya, and Katya replying with “Oh my God shut up.”

“Girl I’m just saying.”

 

** operation convince adore to be a teletubby for halloween **

**Alaska** : hiii, detox and roxy are coming over to get ready with me and court, feel free to join

 **Vanjie** : that sounds dope!!

 **Vanjie** : i’m in

 **Alaska** : yas queen

 **Alaska** : just come whenever

 **Vanjie** : don’t know when that’ll be ;)

 **Alaska** : VANJIE!

 **Vanjie** : LASKA!

 **Alaska** : are you with the canadian again

 **Vanjie** : who knows

 **Alaska** : giiirl!!

 **Alaska** : when do we get to meet her?

 **Vanjie** : hopefully never

 **Alaska** : bitch what’s that supposed to mean

 **Vanjie** : nothing…

 **Alaska** : sure

 **Vanjie** : love u babe

 **_Alaska_ ** _sent a photo of her pouting_

 **_Vanjie_ ** _sent a photo of her and Brooke smiling_

 **Alaska** : :(

 

“Trixie you have to keep still.” Katya stood over her, a brush in her hand and another in her mouth, and a look of intense concentration in her eyes.

“Sorry.” Trixie hadn’t even realized she had been moving.

“It’s okay. I just won’t get it right if you keep moving.”

Katya put her hand on Trixie’s chin and turned her head a bit more upwards.

“Close your eyes.” She ordered, so Trixie did.

They were quiet for a couple of minutes, Katya completely absorbed in the task.

“Oh my God,” Trixie suddenly said, breaking the silence, “did I tell you what Jamie’s parents said to me last week?”

“Not that I can recall.”

“Well, you know how his mum is a bit of an asshole –“

“Trixie!” Katya said, exaggerated, and slapped her lightly on her shoulder.

“Well, she is! You’ve got to agree.”

“Well, she’s maybe not the nicest person –“

“Yeah, so she’s an asshole.”

Katya just sighed.

“Anyway, she comes up to me, and she starts going on and on about how Jamie had been coughing when he came home, and that he was getting sick, so I was like, ‘Oh no, I’m sorry to hear that Mrs. Lockhart’, and then she starts accusing me, personally, of not putting enough clothes on him when we go outside, saying stuff like I’m inexperienced, and obviously don’t know how to best handle the kids. And like at this point I’m a bit angry to be honest, but, and I’m quite proud of how calm I was, cause inside I was like, shut the fuck up Nancy, but I asked what made her think so. And do you know what she says?”

“No.”

“She said it was because going around with hair like mine I couldn’t possibly be very responsible. She blamed it on my pink hair.”

Katya stopped painting her face. “Are you kidding?”

“No. And do you know what the gag of it all was? We hadn’t even been outside the day before. So maybe she should take a good, long look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that she’s a shitty person.”

Katya was silent for a few seconds. “Maybe she is an asshole.”

“Yeah, that’s what I said. Anyway, I told her that we always make sure the kids aren’t cold and that I had noticed that he hadn’t been wearing a jacket when his dad had dropped him off the morning before, so maybe it would help his health if he started wearing a jacket in the morning.”

“Oh god, did you really?”

“I did, and honey, oh honey, let me tell you. The look on her face. Priceless.”

Katya laughed softly.

“You handled that really well.”

Katya turned Trixie’s face to the left, and then started painting her cheek.

“Yeah, well having been a waitress for two and a half years definitely helped. Some people are just pure garbage.”

“Maybe.” Katya said, but she didn’t sound like she really believed it.

Trixie had the impulse to roll her eyes. “You see the good in everyone.”

“I have to. Otherwise the world becomes a bad place for me to live.”

 

** operation convince adore to be a teletubby for halloween **

**hopefully a teletubby** : yo, can I come too **@Alaska**

 **Alaska** : no, not you girl, just everyone else in the group chat

 **hopefully a teletubby** : i hate you, did you know that

 **Alaska** : you love me

 **hopefully a teletubby** : not feeling very loving right now bitch lmao

 **Alaska** : fine, you can come then

 **Alaska** : but only of you bring that vodka I know you have stashed somewhere

 **hopefully a teletubby** : party!

 **Alaska** : are you bringing **@Trixie** ?

 **hopefully a teletubby** : nah, she’s getting ready with katya

 **Courtney** : of course she is

 **Trixie** : what’s that supposed to mean?

 **Courtney** : nothing

 **Trixie** : it sure sounds like something miss thing

 **Vanjie** : have fun “getting ready” ;)

 **Trixie** : ???

 **Vanjie** : :):):)

 **hopefully a teletubby** : don’t mind them trix

 **hopefully a teletubby** : say hi to katya and bianca from me

 **Trixie** : i will

 **Trixie** : katya says hi too

 **Alaska** : katya <3

 **Trixie** : bianca says fuck off

 **hopefully a teletubby** : tell her i love her too

 **Trixie** : lol i will

 

Trixie was a bit surprised when people didn’t really start arriving until 30 minutes after the party had started, but Bianca told her that was expected and that she and Katya deliberately had set the starting time earlier than they wanted people to arrive.

That just made Trixie even happier that she was with them from the beginning, because if she had been on her own, she would most definitely have been on time. But she probably wouldn’t have been alone.

It was probably a good thing though, that no one came on time, because they had only put up the last of their many, many Halloween decorations when the first people arrived.

They weren’t anyone Trixie knew, so she kept close to Katya and Bianca. It wasn’t that she didn’t like socializing with strangers, exactly, it was just a bit intimidating when they all knew each other. It also didn’t help that she was probably younger than they were. Katya had tried to reassure her that age really didn’t play any role, but Trixie didn’t believe her.

She recognized Jinkx from when they had been given tours and struck up a conversation with her. She seemed like a pretty safe choice considering she was friends with Katya, which instantly made Trixie like her a bit more than she liked everyone else.

“I love your costume!” Jinkx said enthusiastically.

“Yours is amazing, too!” Trixie said, and she meant it. Jinkx had come dressed as some kind of fortuneteller and looked pretty fucking cool.

“Thanks. Did you make your own costume?”

“God, I wish. All credit goes to Katya.” Trixie smiled and shot a look at Katya who was in conversation with a blonde girl a couple of feet away.

Trixie was so, so impressed with Katya’s creation. She had been looking at the two of them in the mirror for far too long when Katya had finished painting them. They were painted to both look like one of Frida Kahlo’s selfportraits, and both of them were wearing long, white, flowy dresses, only Trixie’s had a stuffed cat and a stuffed monkey on each shoulder. Trixie was wearing a homemade, but very realistic looking thorn necklace with a little black bird on, whereas Katya was wearing a literal painting around her head, covering most of her chest too. She had cut a hole in to, where her face was sticking out, but the rest of it was almost an exact copy of the original, only a little more Katya.

Trixie had known she was talented at painting but hadn’t realized just how much until she saw them both reflected in the mirror a few hours ago.

“The thing is,” Katya had explained, “that you’re Frida Kahlo and I’m her self-portrait, but together we’re sort of portraying the perception of a self. But!” She had sounded so adorable it made Trixie’s stomach do a little flip. “But we’re also showing that you have a say in the person you decide present yourself to the world as, but that it will mirror how you perceive yourself. In many ways a self-portrait is the most candid mirror that exist.”

Trixie hadn’t really been sure about everything Katya had said, but she had grasped the general spirit of it and couldn’t help but think how brilliant and clever Katya was and how lucky Trixie was.

Jinkx smiled at her. “Only Katya could come up with something like this.”

“Ain’t that the truth honey.”

Trixie chatted with Jinkx for a few more minutes and found that she really liked her. She was such a genuine and sweet person that it honestly was a bit difficult to not like her, and she kept smiling, but it didn’t ever feel forced.

She could definitely see why Katya had befriended Jinkx. They were pretty similar in a lot of ways, the most evident was that they both had a little bit of crazy in them that they put in full display of anyone they crossed paths with.

“It was great finally meeting you Trixie!” Jinkx said then and gave a quick kiss on the cheek before venturing off to greet some of the newer arrivals.

With Jinkx gone, Trixie felt a bit vulnerable, all by herself. She looked around the room and spotted Bianca who was now laughing at something some guy she didn’t know had said. She considered going over to them but didn’t want to intrude too much.

She looked around for Katya, who shouldn’t exactly be hard to spot with a painting on, but she wasn’t anywhere to be seen. Chances were she was having a smoke, but Trixie didn’t go check in case she was wrong. That would just have been awkward.

She looked at the time again and hoped that the rest of her friends would arrive soon so she could stop feeling so out of place.

After having stood alone and exposed in the middle of the room for far longer than was comfortable, Trixie made her way towards the bar. She might as well make herself a drink and give herself something to do.

She had just finished pouring what she thought of as a sensible amount of alcohol when a boy came up beside her. She sent him a small smile when she caught his eye and then returned her focus to her task at hand. Maybe she should try putting some fruity syrup in her drink.

“Hey.” The boy said. Maybe boy wasn’t the right word, but man just felt so grown up. He had a slight stubble and his dark hair was slicked back. He was dressed as a Dracula figure, but hadn’t really put that much effort into his outfit, wearing a white button up, black jeans and what looked to be a black carpet as a make-do cape.

“Hi.” Trixie answered without looking up.

“I dig your outfit. Or costume, I guess.” He laughed and it sounded a bit nervous.

“Oh, ha, thanks. You too.” It was a lie. “You don’t get the full effect of it without Katya’s half though.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, we’re like self-perception or uh, how you present yourself to others. Yeah, you known.” Trixie laughed, a bit self-conscious and shifted her gaze to him. “Katya’s better at explaining it than I am.”

“That’s cool. Pretty deep.”

“I guess so, yeah.” She picked the strawberry syrup. If her drink didn’t taste good, at least it would be pink.

“So,” he looked at her but didn’t quite meet her eyes. “Are you and Katya, like, a thing?”

Trixie felt herself blush and she immediately turned her attention back at the sodas in front her, as if contemplating which one would taste best in her drink. She didn’t think about that at all.

“No. No, no we’re just friends. Yeah, just friends.”

“Alright, cool.”

“Mhmm.”

Trixie ended up choosing Sprite though there wasn’t much thought behind it.

“I’m Julian by the way.”

“I’m Trixie.”

“Nice meeting you, Trixie.” He stuck his hand out. Trixie discreetly tried to wipe her hand before taking his, but his was damp as well so she hadn’t really needed too.

“You too, Julian.” She didn’t know if she meant it.

Her attention got drawn towards the entrance when the doors opened and a group of loud as hell people entered. Trixie could feel a grin spreading across her face as she could see Adore lead the group inside in her the little mermaid costume.

“So, what year are you in?”

“Huh?” Trixie tore her eyes away from her friends. “Oh, uh, first, but actually some of my friends just arrived so I’m just gonna go say hi.” Trixie had picked up her drink and was already making her way towards them halfway through her sentence. She wasn’t sure if Julian caught all of what she said.

She was more relieved to see her friends than she wanted to admit to herself.

“TRIX!” Adore screamed when she spotted Trixie and set off in a run towards her. “TRIXIE, TRIXIE, TRIXIE!”

She was obviously already slightly drunk, but her happiness was so infectious that Trixie found herself screaming “ADORE, ADORE, ADORE!” even though she was in no way drunk.

Adore laughed happily as her body clashed into Trixie’s and then Trixie was very happy she wasn’t drunk because it would have meant she would probably be lying on the floor with Adore on top of her.

“You look,” Adore said and took a deep breath, “so cool! So cool!”

“And you look so hot!”

“Aw, thanks babe!”

“I only say it because it’s true.”

“Stop flirting with me bitch.”

Trixie put a hand on her chest and tried for a not very succesful English accent. “Why I don’t know what you’re talking about my dear.”

By then the rest of the group had reached the two of them, all of them looking as happy as Adore.

“Trixie, oh my god, you look amazing! The make-up is flawless.” Courtney said as she pulled Trixie in for a hug.

“So do you. I told you the wings would be a good investment.”

“That’s true.”

“Move over bitch, it’s my turn to get a hug,” Vanjie said and more or less pushed Courtney away from Trixie before embracing her herself. Vanjie had dressed up in a black jumpsuit, painted whiskers on her face and bought a pair of cat ears. It wasn’t anything crazy, but she looked cute none the less.

“It’s good to see you too Vanjie.” Trixie laughed, but made sure to give Vanjie a little squeeze so she knew she was being sincere.

Alaska moved in for a hug when Vanjie let go, drawing out her “hey Trixie” way longer than any normal greeting, the slightly creepy effect amplified by Alaska’s alien (?) costume. She was definitely very blue.

Detox and Roxy also both gave her a hug even though she hadn’t ever met any of them before, but they were a part of their group for the night, so it would be a bit weird to hug the others and not the two of them.

“Where’s Kat and B?” Courtney asked.

“I’m not sure, last time I saw Bianca she was over there talking with Jinkx.” Trixie pointed to a now Bianca-less spot. “And I haven’t seen Katya in a while.”

“Lets go find them, then. I wanna see you and Katya together.”

 

“Alright.” Roxy looked slightly vicious. “Adore: truth or dare?”

“Dare! You can’t scare me bitch.”

“We’ll see about that. Let me think for a second.” Roxy looked around the room, as if hoping inspiration would strike her.

They had claimed the sofas and pulled multiple of the chairs over to make room for everyone. At first it had only been the nine of them. Everyone was a little surprised when Bianca had agreed to participate, but she probably liked a good party game as much as the next person. Slowly though, other people had started joining in. At first it had just been Jinkx, then a girl named Manila Trixie had a slight recollection of, from where or when she didn’t know, then Julian and his friend (Tim? Ted?) had joined too. A few people had come and left, the only notable one was one of Bianca’s friends named Nina.

Roxy cackled. “Alright. I dare you to stuff the inside of your bra with ice cubes and leave them in there for 60 seconds.”

Adore’s mouth dropped comically open. “Fuck you bitch!”

“Oh, that’s not all. You can’t stuff your bra yourself.”

“Someone’s gonna touch my tits too?”

“Yeah girl, if you don’t keep still they will.” Roxy honest to God looked like she was having the time of her life. She probably was.

“Fuck. Do I get to pick who?”

“I think… I think this bottle will decide for us.” Roxy’s smile was dangerous.

“Shit. I’m just letting you know that I’m a lesbian and no man is gonna touch these titties.”

“That’s fair. If it lands on one of the boys we’ll re-spin it.”

Roxy then placed the bottle rather ceremoniously in the middle of the circle before giving it a proper spin. Everyone’s eyes followed the bottle go around, and Trixie felt a bit dizzy. It might have had something to do with the fact that she was currently on her third drink. The bottle slowed down and ended up pointing at Vanjie.

Adore looked relieved at that. It was definitely better to have friend do it than a stranger.

“Yes bitch!” Vanjie said and stood up, bouncing on the heels of her feet. “Can’t believe this is the second pair of boobs I get to touch today.”

“Hey, no touching allowed fucker! Just stuff my bra good with them ice cubes.”

“You’re so boring.”

Despite Adore’s clear instruction of no touching, it really wasn’t Vanjie’s fault that she did when Adore started jumping up and down as soon as the first ice cube hit her bare skin.

“Holy fuck, oh my, shit fucking cunt, fuck fuckity fuck.”

Literally everyone was cracking up at Adore’s reaction and their laughter only intensified when Adore took off running as Vanjie got ready to grab two new handfuls of the ice and turning her back to Adore for a second. Ice cubes were dropping from Adore as she violently shook them out of her clam bra, swearing with every step she took.

“Come back hoe!” Vanjie said and took off after her, laughing.

The people at the party who wasn’t a part of the game looked on in confusion, but all of them looked entertained by it anyway.

“I hate all of you!” Adore exclaimed as she ran by them, a hand on each breast to keep her bra on.

When things calmed down and Adore exasperatedly told Roxy they weren’t friends anymore multiple times, the game picked back up.

Adore dared Alaska to pretend to be a horse for the next five minutes, which was highly entertaining, as Alaska just went bonkers and ended up giving Detox a ride on her back falling over no less than four times. Alaska then dared Jinkx to show them the last thing she had googled which turned out to be ‘where to buy flesh-eating plants boston’ and probably not what Alaska had been hoping for.

Jinkx then asked Bianca which costume she liked the best to which Bianca first said that all of their costumes were fucking ugly, but if she had to choose, probably Adore’s.

While Adore tried to hide her happiness at the answer, it radiated of off her, and Trixie raised her eyebrows when she caught Adore’s eyes as if to say, ‘I told you so’.

Bianca dared Katya to seduce them with her sexy, sexy dance moves, which Katya didn’t take seriously at all, but she still looked good while doing her little dance and Trixie remembered the not-so-sexy sexy dance way better than she wanted to.

Katya looked at Julian’s friend, who apparently was called Kip (what kind of name was Kip?) and asked him to tell them the weirdest place he had ever had sex. She asked it with such glee though, that Trixie was pretty sure Katya knew it already and just wanted him to share it with the group. He said, beet red in his face, that it had been in a cave, but didn’t elaborate on it.

Kip looked around the group, and his gaze landed on Trixie with a small smile on his face. “Trixie: truth or dare?”

“Truth.” It wasn’t even a question she had to think about after seeing the dares the others had gotten. And so far, the truth questions hadn’t been too bad.

Kip shot a look a Julian Trixie couldn’t decipher. Then he sighed and said “Whom here do you fancy the most? In either a romantic or sexual way.”

Trixie immediately wanted to run away and could feel her mood shift from delighted to something else entirely.

She wanted to flee even more when her first thought was Katya, which was ridiculous because she didn’t fancy Katya. They were just good friends, and that was it.

This was so stupid, and Trixie felt so uncomfortable.

“Uh.” Trixie swallowed hard and prayed like she had never prayed before for the ground to open up and swallow her whole. She didn’t even believe in a God.

Her eyes landed on Katya, only for a couple of seconds, before she forced herself to look away.

“You don’t have to answer that Trixie. You can get a dare instead.” Adore said quietly after Trixie had been silent for a moment too long.

Trixie appreciated Adore for saying that, she really did, but now, more than ever, she had to answer. She had to.

“Uh… Julian, I guess.” Trixie stared at the dirty floor as if it was the most interesting thing she had seen all year. She hoped the others didn’t know it was a lie. And she so wanted herself to believe it was the truth.

Trixie halfheartedly dared Courtney to drink a mixture of everyone’s drink poured into a cup. She tried to get back into the same easygoing mindset she had been in before, but she couldn’t muster it. Especially not when Julian kept looking at her like he had won the lottery and Adore kept shooting her sympathetic glances, though Trixie wasn’t sure why.

 

“Three, two, one!” Trixie clinked her shot against Adore and Detox’s before swallowing it in one big gulp.

“Are you hoes taking shots without me?” Vanjie yelled from the other side of the room and then came running over.

“Bitch we can do one more.” Detox said, already refilling her own glass.

 

Trixie was dancing, and dancing and dancing and she was so sweaty, but she didn’t care at all. She felt completely euphoric, looking at Katya copying her dance moves and thought that if she could freeze this moment in time and live in it forever, she would.

 

“Come on Trixie, you’ve got this!” Adore said. “I believe in you.”

Trixie took a deep breath and put all her focus on the single orange cup at the other end of the table.

“Show them who’s the better pair of roommates!”

Trixie let go of the ball and as she followed it with her eyes, she just knew that it would hit the cup. She knew it. She had felt it when she let it fly.

It did.

“OH MY GOD I LOVE YOU!” Adore shrieked gleefully as the ball hit directly into the cup. Adore put her hands around Trixie and then they were both jumping up and down, screaming with joy at their victory.

 

“To be honest,” Sasha said, “I don’t think there’s that much of a difference between me being bald and you having pink hair. We’re both defying societies expectations of how we’re supposed to conform to its norms and perform our femininity.”

Trixie nodded. Yeah, that sounded about right.

“Fuck society.”

“I’ll drink to that,” Sasha said with a grin.

 

Courtney came up from behind her and gave her a loving squeeze. “You’re one of the loveliest people I’ve ever met Trixie, did you know that. I’m so glad you ended up being Adore’s roommate. So glad” Trixie put her hands on top of Courtney’s and gave them a squeeze.

“You too, Court. You’re really amazing.”

 

Trixie was dancing again, this time with Alaska and Detox, Detox twerking, Alaska slapping her ass, Trixie laughing and laughing and laughing.

 

Trixie sat down in the sofa, feet sore and out of breath. She was in pretty bad shape, and she could feel it more prominently now than normally.

“Can I sit down?” Trixie looked up, and spotted Julian.

“Sure,” she sent him a small smile before scooting towards the corner of the sofa.

 

“– think it’s so interesting. Don’t you agree?” Trixie nodded, though she wasn’t really sure what she agreed with. Julian had been blabbering on about this and that for God knows how long and all of it was of zero interest to Trixie.

Instead Trixie had kept herself entertained sipping on her drink. Or drinks, by now.

“Oh wow,” Julian said, “I’ve literally talked so much. Why don’t you tell me a bit more about yourself?”

“Uh, I’m -” Trixie started.

“Wait how old are you? No let me guess. 20? 21?”

“I’m 19.”

“Wow, that’s pretty young, huh? I’m 23.”

“Great.”

“Yeah, for sure!”

Trixie tried taking another sip of her drink but found that it was empty.

“Oh, let me get you another one.” Julian stood up. “Vodka and Sprite, right?”

“Sure, yeah. Thanks.”

He took her cup, went over to the bar where he talked shortly with Kip, who gave him an pat on the shoulder as he left.

“There you go princess.”

It took Trixie a few seconds to understand that she was the princess in this case, and when she did, she could feel her skin start to crawl.

“Thank you.” She forced a smile and took a big gulp of the drink as soon as it was in her hands. It was strong, stronger than the ones she had made for herself, but she didn’t mind.

Julian sat back down, and when Trixie felt his arm around her shoulder it felt like she had a black hole in her stomach.

“So, Trixie, what are you gonna major in? Philosophy or something?” He gestured to her costume.

“No, definitely not.” Trixie laughed awkwardly. “Music, hopefully.”

“Wow, cool. What kind of music are you into?”

“Country, mostly.”

Julian made a face. “Country? Really? I personally like, like, underground rap. Like small artists that only true rap enthusiast know of.”

Trixie downed her drink even though it was almost full. She didn’t care. She just wanted not to feel like tearing the skin of her body.

“For instance, at the moment I’m really into –“

 

Trixie had a hard time focusing on words. Whenever she tried to form a sentence the words didn’t leave her mouth in the right order. They didn’t sound right either.

She was still sitting in the sofa next to Julian. He had his hand on her thigh. This didn’t make Trixie uncomfortable _at all_. Definitely not. It didn’t, so she let it rest there.

She saw Katya by the hidden entrance to the kitchen and lit up in a smile. Katya had taken her painting of, which Trixie thought was very fair. She waved at her, but accidentally hit Julian in the head, so she didn’t see if Katya waved back.

“M sorry.” Trixie hiccuped. “Jus Kat, and I to hello.” She smiled.

“It’s fine,” Julian said rubbing the side of his face. “You’re a bit of a lightweight, aren’t you?”

This made Trixie laugh, though she didn’t know why. “Stooop, not I a lightweighter.”

“You’re really beautiful when you laugh, did you know that?”

“Ma always beauty-“ Trixie hiccuped again, which sent her into another fit of laughter, and she forgot what she was about to say.

“I’m sure that’s true,” Julian said and then he leaned in.

Wow, Trixie thought, he sure is leaning in close. I wonder if he’s gonna tell me a secret. Maybe I can tell him a secret too. Maybe I can tell him… No.   

Then his lips were on hers, and she thought that it was like kissing, and then realized that it was kissing.

She pushed him away. Then she started crying. She wasn’t sure why she did either.

She was supposed to like it when a boy who was objectively handsome kissed and desired her, but instead she acted like this. It was not normal.

She stood up and started stumbling away from Julian. She mumbled something not even she understood and almost tripped over her own legs in an attempt to get away.

“Trixie, Trixie, hey.” Trixie felt an arm around her middle and turned her head to see Katya. Then she started sobbing and could feel her legs slowly give out. Katya was strong, but not strong enough to carry Trixie on her own, so Katya let them both gently fall down onto the floor, not letting go of Trixie.

“What’s wrong?” Katya looked at her and she looked so concerned all Trixie wanted to do was tell her, but she didn’t know the words, so she just shook her head and continued sobbing.

“Oh Trix.” Katya sounded so sad. She patted Trixie’s tears away tenderly with one hand and stroked her back with the other.

Someone Trixie couldn’t see must have approached them, because Katya said “help me get her into the kitchen” and Trixie didn’t think Katya was talking to herself.

Trixie could feel hands on her, she wasn’t sure how many, and then she was hoisted to her feet. As she was being lifted, she grabbed for Katya and held onto her as if her life depended on it.

“Let don't me go.” Trixie was tripping over her words, but hoped Katya would understand.

“I won’t, I promise.”

Somehow, they got Trixie to the kitchen and Trixie went from sobbing to silently crying.

She didn’t realize that it was Jinkx and Bianca helping Katya until she stood face to face with them in the kitchen.

She opened her mouth to thank them but instead suddenly felt more nauseous than she could remember ever having felt before, and let go of all of them, stumbling to the sink.

She made it just in time and found herself heaving into the no longer empty sink for a full minute. She didn’t register Katya’s hand on her lower back for the first half of the minute.

“Here, drink up.” Bianca said as she passed Trixie a water bottle.

“Thanks,” Trixie slurred and grabbed hold of it.

She tried to screw the cap of, but couldn’t figure out how to do it right, and saw when Katya took it from her, that it had been because she had been screwing the wrong way.

Katya gave her the water bottle back and Trixie tried to say thank you, but another wave of nausea hit her, and she frantically gave Katya the water bottle back before vomiting into the sink again.

She felt better, lots better, and managed to drink about a third of the water before sliding down to the floor with her back to the cupboard.

She suddenly felt very tired and thought that this wouldn’t be such a bad place for a nap and decided to lay down on the floor and close her eyes.

“Trixie, honey, you can’t go to sleep here.”

“Hmofft,” Trixie answered, and thought she made a great case as for why she could and would go for a nap right here.

Trixie kept laying there, eyes closed and listened to their conversation without taking any of it in.

“Should we call her an Uber?” Bianca asked.

“No, she’s in no state to go anywhere right. I’ll bet you they won’t even let her in.” Katya sighed.

“Probably. Cunts.”

Silence.

“Maybe Adore can take her home?” Jinkx purposed.

“I think Adore is too drunk to take proper care of her. Most of us probably are.” Bianca said. “Is she asleep?”

“I think so, yeah.” It sounded like Katya was right next to Trixie.

“Maybe we should let her sleep for now, sober up at bit, and see how she is when everyone has left?”

“B, we can’t just let her sleep on the floor.” Katya said.

“Maybe,” Jinkx piped in, “we could get her a pillow and a blanket?”

“I say yes. Katya?”

Silence.

Then Katya sighed. “Fine. Yes okay, fine.”

Trixie didn’t really have a grasp of time, but it didn’t feel like that much later, maybe an hour or maybe a minute, when she felt her head being lifted and a pillow placed underneath it. Then what maybe was the softest blanket in the world tucked her in and she sighed happily.

“You coming Katya?” Bianca asked.

“I don’t know. I don’t like leaving her all alone.”

“It won’t make a difference to her, you know.”

“Maybe. But I wouldn’t enjoy the party, knowing she is here by herself.”

“God, you’re so whipped already.”

“I am not.” Katya’s voice was higher than usually.

“If you say so.”

“I’m not. Go make out with Adore or something.”

“I might do just that, since I have the balls to do something about my fucking feelings.”

“Oh fuck all the way off.”

The last thing Trixie felt before falling asleep was Katya carefully removing the bobbypins that kept her wig on, then removing the wig, and then her hands tenderly stroking Trixie’s hair.

 

Trixie could feel someone shaking her shoulders gently. “Trixie, hey, we need to go home now.”

Trixie opened her eyes slowly and was very confused. She saw Katya’s face above hers but couldn’t recognize the room she was in. Then she remembered the party and her getting so, so drunk, and oh, hey, maybe she was still a little dunk.

“Katya!” She said and reached her hands up to touch Katya’s face.

Katya smiled, but it looked a little sad, Trixie thought.

“Come on, Trix. Our Uber is here.”

This confused Trixie a bit, but she just nodded and let go of Katya’s face.

 

“Do you want me to follow you up?” Katya looked at Trixie.

“No. Yes.”

Katya followed her up.

“Try not to wake up Adore.” Katya whispered as they stood in front the door to Trixie’s room.

Trixie nodded and was about to go in when a realization hit her.

“I don’t think I can get my costume of by myself.”

Katya swallowed. “Do you want me to help you?”

Trixie looked down, embarrassed. “Yeah.”

“Sure, no problem. C’mon.”

Trixie had been right in her assumption that she wouldn’t be able to undress herself. She tried but couldn’t get the zipper to go down. Katya gently shoved her hands away before unzipping her.

“Thanks.” Trixie breathed.

She could get the rest of mostly by herself.

She tugged an oversized t-shirt on over her head, and then tried to get her bra of. She wasn’t successful, so she just left it on.

“Where’s your make-up remover?”

“Bathroom.”

Katya returned shortly after with a make-up remover. It was Adore’s, but Trixie didn’t have the heart to tell Katya this.

“Sit down.” Katya ordered, so Trixie did.

Very carefully Katya started wiping away the mixture of paint and make-up on Trixie’s face.

“There. Now you need to go brush your teeth. You’ll thank me in the morning.”

“Don’t leave yet.” She said, just to make sure Katya wouldn’t disappear while Trixie was brushing her teeth.

“Okay. But then you need to also drink a big glass of water.”

“Okay.”

Trixie did as she was told.

“Katya?” Trixie asked as she was laying down.

“Yes?”

“Will you stay with me?” The words were barely a whisper.

“Always.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone wants to know, the Frida Kahlo portrait is this: https://imgc.artprintimages.com/img/print/self-portrait-with-thorn-necklace-and-hummingbird-c-1940_u-l-f5w3r20.jpg?h=550&w=550


	7. you're my golden hour

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “So,” Katya said. “I know you’ve probably been asked this a hundred times already, but what are your plans for Thanksgiving? Are you going home?”  
> For the first time that year Trixie didn’t mind answering. “No, actually I’m going to visit my brother in Michigan.”  
> “Oh that sounds wonderful Trixie!”  
> “Yes, it’s gonna be great! To be honest I think this is the first time I’ve actually looked forward to Thanksgiving.”  
> Katya hesitated a bit before asking “Because of your stepdad?”  
> “Yeah. He’s… he’s, uh, a lot. And he doesn’t really like me, so, yeah.”  
> “He’s a dumbass if he doesn’t like you.” Trixie sent Katya a grateful smile. “I mean it! It’s his loss.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Even though I've been so tired I could barely see out of my eyes, this fic still demanded to be written and once again took complete control of me. I hope my sleep-deprived ass hasn't made too many grammatical errors and that you'll like this chapter!  
> Also, I don't actually know anything about Thanksgiving, so there's that.

Trixie was so, so tired. The last two weeks she had lost count of how many times she had been asked about what she was doing for Thanksgiving. She knew no one meant anything bad by it, that Thanksgiving usually was something you looked forward to, and an easy, conversational topic.

The problem was Trixie didn’t know what she was doing for Thanksgiving.

She had received an email from her mom a few weeks ago asking if she was coming home for Thanksgiving. Trixie hadn’t answered yet.

Every evening she told herself, that tomorrow would be the day she answered that email, but it never was. Once she had sat down with the intention of finally answering, but she had been staring at the screen for 30 minutes without writing a word and then given up, told herself that the words, the decision, would probably come to her the next day.

While Trixie did want to see her brother, and wouldn’t mind seeing her mom, she had been so happy living in the bubble she had built around herself since she arrived in Boston, and she was scared that the bubble would burst if she went back to Wisconsin. And she didn’t want to see Gary.

So she hadn’t answered yet.

 

** ice ice baby **

**Vanjie** : what up hoes

**Vanjie** : do any of you wanna catch the midnight showing of mamma mia 2 tonight?

**Katya Kahlo** : it sounds fun but i have work in the morning :(

**Vanjie** : noooo

**Katya Kahlo** : yeah :(

**Katya Kahlo** : but mamma mia is a masterpiece

**Vanjie** : yes, exactly

**Vanjie** : so fuck them kids

**Katya Kahlo** : i can’t sorry

**Courtney** : i don’t have work in the morning and also love mamma mia, so i’m in!!

**Vanjie** : yas court!!

**Courtney** : i’m just letting you know that i’ll probably sing along to all the songs. i love abba

**Vanjie** : who doesn’t?

**Courtney** : true

**blue?** : i can’t tonight, detox and i are doing this rave thing she heard about

**Vanjie** : rip

**Vanjie** : but have fun laska

**blue?** : thanks <3<3<3

**hopefully a teletubby** : i want to watch mamma mia!!

**Vanjie** : yesss adore!!!

**hopefully a teletubby:** i’ll convince bianca to come too

**Katya Kahlo** : lol good luck

**hopefully a teletubby** : i don’t need luck :)

**Katya Kahlo** : ahaha

**Katya Kahlo** : probably not, no

**Vanjie** : are you with her rn?

**hopefully a teletubby** : yea

**Vanjie** : can you ask her if she has any notes from when she took intro to shakespeare?

**hopefully a teletubby** : she says take your own notes whore

**hopefully a teletubby:** but that she’ll send them later

**Vanjie** : tell her she’s the light of my life, savior of human kind

**Trixie** : i can’t today, i’m behind on like two assignments

**Vanjie** : noooooo trix

**Trixie** : i know, sorry

**Vanjie** : :((((

**Katya Kahlo** : good luck with your assignments <3

**Trixie** : thanks kat! xx

 

Trixie felt like someone had taken her brain and played a violent game of football with it, then electrified it and placed it back inside her head. It did not contribute with anything useful at this point, and Trixie swore to herself that this would be the last time ever she was doing two assignments in one day. Well, evening, really.

It wasn’t that she hadn’t tried to do them earlier, but she had had a hard time concentrating on anything lately. And she had become the master of procrastination.

She wanted to solely blame Thanksgiving, and sure, that was definitely bugging her, but she knew it wasn’t just that, because her grades had slowly but surely been plummeting since Halloween.

She didn’t let herself think about that though, even if thoughts sometimes came uninvited in the middle of the night, leaving Trixie vulnerable and uncomfortable and sleepless.

Especially thoughts about waking up in her small single bed the day after Halloween, all tangled up in Katya and thinking it felt so very right. No time to think about _that_.

She read her sentence. Then she read it again. It didn’t make any sense and at this point Trixie wasn’t sure where she had been going with it. With any of it, really.

Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck.

She stood up, then sat down again. She couldn’t just leave. She had to at least turn something in. It didn’t have to be any good, just enough to pass.

Just write something. Anything. You can always rewrite it later. But no words came to mind and Trixie felt like she was on the verge of a breakdown.

Maybe rereading some of her notes from class would help.

It didn’t and most of them were useless anyway.

She could feel tears beginning to well up in her eyes, but she wasn’t going to be crying in the middle of the library for everyone to see so she took some deep breaths and blinked ferociously. _Don’t cry_ , _don’t cry_ , _don’t cry_.

Then a text message ticked in.

 

**Jonathan** : hey sis, hope you’re doing good! i just wanted to check in on your plans for thanksgiving. are you going home, or? miss u

**Trixie** : hey nate! i’m doing ok, classes are hard atm :( i’m not sure about thanksgiving yet. maybe i’ll go home, but only if you’ll be there

**Trixie** : and i miss you too

**Jonathan** : you’re smart, you can get through it!! i don’t think i’m going home this year. i’ve talked to mom about it and she says that they’ll probs visit some of gary’s family. don’t really feel like spending my holiday with them lol

**Trixie** : oh shit then i’m definitely not going home lmao

**Jonathan** : if you want to you can come to michigan and we can do something together?

**Jonathan** : i’m doing something with nick and reggie i think

**Trixie** : omg yes!!

**Trixie** : i’ll be there

**Jonathan** : really?

**Trixie** : yeah i miss you you dumbass

**Jonathan** : you can bring friends if you want

**Jonathan** : or a BOYFRIND??

**Trixie** : no boyfriend to bring lol

**Jonathan** : fair enough haha

**Trixie** : i’m off from thursday so i’ll look into busses leaving on friday

**Jonathan** : good! can’t wait to see you

**Trixie** : you too <3

 

Trixie closed her eyes for a few moments and could feel a calm filling her, because she now knew where she would be for Thanksgiving and because that place wasn’t in Milwaukee. She hadn’t realized how much she had dreaded going home until now, but now she didn’t have to, and she felt reenergized.

After just sitting for some time, by the grace of a higher power she found that she actually had some thoughts on the way Plato had influenced the rhetoric and argumentation of today as was evident in the three speeches they had been given as a baseline for their essay. And while they probably weren’t particularly clever or groundbreaking, they were something at least.

 

Trixie was so confused when she could hear her phone ringing and her mind was groggy and still half asleep. Why would anyone call her in the middle of the night?

She blindly reached for it and saw that the caller ID said **Over the Rainbow**.

It probably wasn’t the middle of the night then.

“Hello?” She said and tried her best not to sound like someone who had just woken up.

“ _Hi, Trixie. Sorry, I hope I didn’t wake you up_.” Michelle said from the other end.

“No, no not at all.”

“ _Good_. _I know it’s a bit of a long shot as you probably have classes, but would it be possible for you to take a shift today from eight to one? Kasha has called in sick.”_

“Uhh.” Trixie’s only class that day didn’t start until 2pm, so technically it wasn’t a problem. Except it was probably around 7am now and she had had about three hours of sleep. “Uh, yeah sure.”

“ _Really? Wow that’s great, thank you so much Trixie_.”

“Yeah, no problem.”

“ _How’s your cooking?_ ”

“My cooking?”

“ _Yes_.”

Trixie wasn’t by any means a well-rounded cook, but she could usually do it without burning the house down.

“It’s okay, I guess?” She was so confused.

“ _Great. I’ll see you at eight then_.” The line went dead.

Why on earth would Michelle ask her about her cooking skills? Then it hit her. Kasha was normally in the kitchen. And since Trixie had essentially taken Kasha’s shift she would probably be expected to be in the kitchen. Cooking. For around 60 kids. Fuck.

 

To say that Trixie was surprised when she walked in and was greeted by an energetic Katya instead of Darienne in the kitchen was a major understatement.

“Katya? What are you doing in the kitchen?”

“Hopefully not burning it down.” Katya grinned. “Michelle asked me to help you out because Kasha was sick and Darienne is in New York visiting family. But you probably already knew Kasha was sick. I mean otherwise you wouldn’t be here.”

“Yeah, I knew.” Trixie swallowed. “So it’s just you and me?”

“You and me to the end baby.”

“Well, that’s a… choice.” Trixie shook her head, but she was smiling. “Do you even cook?”

“I mean… I have cooked before?”

“So that’s a no then.”

“Basically, yeah. You?”

“Same.”

They looked at each other and then burst out laughing. It was going to be interesting for sure. Hopefully they would whip up something that was edible if nothing else.

“Does Michelle know you don’t cook?” Trixie asked.

“Oh god no mama. She probably thinks I’m fucking Gordon Ramsay.”

“But you’re just making love to him, right?”

Katya immediately started laughing, then slapped Trixie’s shoulder repeatedly and doubled over, wheezing.

“Shut up, Tracy!” Katya kept wheezing. “I really, really hate you.”

“Yeah, lying doesn’t look too good on you.”

“I’m serious!” Katya said, but she was smiling widely and wouldn’t have been able to convince anyone of the fact.

“Sure thing Pinocchio.”

 

Trixie’s arm was about two seconds from going in to cramps. She had been peeling potatoes for forty minutes, but it felt like forever. Katya was arms deep in minced meat and overall Trixie would have had a horrible time if she hadn’t been able to complain about their situation to Katya whenever they came to an end on their current topic of discussion.

“So,” Katya said. “I know you’ve probably been asked this a hundred times already, but what are your plans for Thanksgiving? Are you going home?”

For the first time that year Trixie didn’t mind answering. “No, actually I’m going to visit my brother in Michigan.”

“Oh that sounds wonderful Trixie!”

“Yes, it’s gonna be great! To be honest I think this is the first time I’ve actually looked forward to Thanksgiving.”

Katya hesitated a bit before asking “Because of your stepdad?”

“Yeah. He’s… he’s, uh, a lot. And he doesn’t really like me, so, yeah.”

“He’s a dumbass if he doesn’t like you.” Trixie sent Katya a grateful smile. “I mean it! It’s his loss.”

Trixie didn’t know what to say, so she just smiled at Katya and felt how her stomach rioting.

“What?” Katya asked.

“Nothing. I just like you.”

Trixie could swear she saw Katya’s cheeks redden slightly, but it could have been a trick of lights.

“What about you? Any Thanksgiving plans?”

“I mean, I am going home to my family, but we don’t really do Thanksgiving.”

Trixie raised both her eyebrows in surprise. “You don’t do Thanksgiving?”

“It isn’t a thing in Russia, and my parents say they feel a little like they’re overstepping cultural boundaries if they go all in. So, yeah, no, not really.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“What about Christmas then?”

“Now that’s a whole ‘nother story! They both adore Christmas. Like our house is 50% Christmas decorations as soon as it’s December and it’s impossible to not gain weight because my dad is baking literally any spare moment he’s got. I’ve had him send me cookies through mail the years I’ve been to college, because it wouldn’t really be Christmas if I could fit into all of my clothes by the end of December.”

Trixie sent her a small grin. “Your parents sound amazing.”

“They are.” Katya looked down, love radiating of off her.

 

Both Trixie and Katya were staring into the oven.

“Do you think they’re done?” Trixie asked, starring at the potatoes.

“Uhh. Maybe?” Katya scratched her head. “Isn’t that the color potatoes normally have when they’re done?”

“I… I think so?”

“Should we give them five more minutes, just to be sure?”

“That sounds reasonable. We’ll just keep an eye on them and make sure they don’t get burned.”

They obviously forgot about the potatoes two minutes later, all caught up in arranging the meat and vegetables on trays.

“Should we keep it on separate trays, you think?” Trixie asked.

“I don’t know. No? Normally I think Darienne and Kasha just puts it all together on one big tray for each table.”

“Okay, we’ll do that then.” So they did, but tried their best to not make it touch too much because some of the kids were picky eaters, too picky in Trixie’s opinion, and wouldn’t eat one or the other if they had touched even if they liked each thing separately.

“Oh fuck!” Trixie exclaimed and started running for the oven.

“Wha- oh shit!”

They had the potatoes out of the oven in what they both agreed upon was the new world record and laughed with relief when they saw that the potatoes were still edible.

“I know one thing for sure now, I definitely won’t try to pursue a career as a chef.” Katya said, fanning herself and dabbing sweat away with the sleeve of her sweater.

“Girl, never again.”

“Amen.”

 

**Trixie** : i’ve booked a ticket for friday, should be at the station at 6pm.

**Jonathan** : okay i’ll come pick you up

**Trixie** : <3

 

**Katya** : when are you leaving on friday?

**Trixie** : super fucking early

**Trixie** : the bus leaves at 5:30am, so i’ll probably leave here around 4:30 just to be sure

**Katya** : shit that’s early

**Trixie** : i know but it was the cheapest one so you know

**Katya** : how are you getting to the station?

**Trixie** : another bus probably

**Katya** : okay

**Katya** : i could drive you, if you want

**Trixie** : no katya it’s way too early

**Katya** : i wouldn’t mind

**Trixie** : but i would

**Trixie** : i would feel so bad knowing you had to get up that early because of me

**Katya** : it wouldn’t be a problem trix

**Katya** : i can just pack when i get back instead of doing it on thursday

**Trixie** : i can’t ask that of you katya

**Katya** : you’re not, i'm offering

**Trixie** : i don’t know

**Katya** : i'm picking you up at 5

**Trixie** : you really don’t have to i don’t mind taking the bus

**Katya** : but i want to

**Trixie** : you sure?

**Katya** : obviously

**Trixie** : okay… thanks

**Trixie** : you’re an angel <3

**Katya** : <3<3<3

 

Trixie had been standing in front of her dorm building for ten minutes. Katya shouldn’t arrive for the next five minutes, but Trixie had wanted to be sure Katya wouldn’t wait for her. While she really appreciated the fact that Katya was willing to get up at such an inhumane time, Trixie couldn’t help but feel a little undeserving of her kindness. Katya was probably the best friend she could have imagined. Hell, she was better than that. Trixie still wasn’t sure why a human as overwhelmingly good and kind as Katya had chosen her of everyone to befriend, but she was so grateful.

Trixie also couldn’t help the fact that she seemed to smile stupidly whenever she thought about Katya willingly offering to pick Trixie up. Or when thinking about Katya in general. Which she did quite a lot. A lot more than she wanted to. Because while she smiled stupidly, she also felt like it was wrong and that she was broken, and it felt like she had a war going on inside of herself that she hadn’t even been aware had started before it was too late for peace negotiations.

Katya pulled up in Bianca’s beaten up red pickup-truck and honked twice despite the time.

Trixie opened the door on the passenger side and threw her duffel bag on the floor before sitting down all while saying “I know I’ve said this a hundred times already but thank you so much for picking me up.”

Katya grinned at her. “Good morning to you too, Trix.”

“I honestly can’t believe you’d willingly get up this early. I had to drink two cups of coffee before fully functioning and I don’t even like coffee that much.”

“I don’t mind much. Sometimes I take 8am yoga classes on Sundays.”

“Without being held at gunpoint?”

Katya laughed. “Yes.”

“Wow. Are you sure you’re human?”

“Can anyone really be sure of that?”

“Good point.”

“I know.”

Katya glanced at Trixie for a moment before redirecting her eyes on the road.

“You’re still looking forward to seeing your brother?”

“Yes. I miss him so much. We were really close when we were younger.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. He was the only one always on my side when things went to shit at home. We had to be close because otherwise we would have been alone.”

Katya was quiet for a moment. “What about your mom?”

“Uhm…” Trixie looked out the window not really focusing on anything.

“You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.”

“No, it’s okay. I just don’t really talk about it, so it’s difficult, you know.”

“Yeah.” Katya said, and Trixie believed that Katya did know.

“My mom just never stood up for us, no matter how bad it got. She’s too scared. Both of Gary and of losing him, I think. I hate him for doing that to her. Because she’s a good person underneath it all, but I hate her a bit too. Because she’s my mom and she’s the one who should protect me, you know. But she didn’t. Doesn’t.”

Trixie shrugged as if it wasn’t a big deal. It was.

“It just feels really shit to know that you aren’t the one your mom loves the most. To have known that for most of your life.”

Katya didn’t say anything but irresponsibly removed one hand from the steering-wheel and took Trixie’s hand in hers. Trixie really appreciated the gesture and Katya’s firm silence made Trixie braver. It made her think that maybe sharing her past, or parts of it, wouldn’t be that bad. Not if she was sharing it with the woman next to her.

“You know, when I was eight, I had this bunny and this bunny was the light of my fucking life. I had had it for four years and Gary despised it for some fucking reason. How can you despise a goddamn bunny? But he did, and he kept talking shit about her, always using her to manipulate me, saying that if I wasn’t a good girl he would sell her or set her free. One time he said he’d get rid of her and I wasn’t stupid. I knew what it meant. So I tried so hard to be nice, to never aggravate him, but it was fucking impossible because everything I did set him off. I got a bad grade, I was lazy and stupid and would never become anything, really, I should be grateful that he and my mom kept me around. I got a good grade and I was a showoff and loudmouth, and no one liked that, no wonder I didn’t have any friends. One day he probably decided he had had enough of me, or I had done something to piss him off, like laughing too loudly or looking somewhat happy, so when I went to feed her after school, she had disappeared. She was just gone. And I bawled my eyes out. I don’t think I’ve ever cried as hard as I did that day. But the worst part was that my mom didn’t comfort me because Gary told her I needed to learn a lesson. I was eight, Katya. Eight. And my brother had to be the one holding me and telling me everything was going to be okay. And I just know that that pissed Gary right of and he probably punished Nate in some way, too. I just fucking hate him.”

Trixie wasn’t sad anymore, just angry. She had spent enough years wishing for Gary to finally start liking her, because maybe then she could have a real dad, but she had ended up crying quietly into her pillow at night instead. One day she had realized he was just a dick and started avoiding him as much as possible, but that seemed to only intensify his anger towards her whenever they were together. But anger was a two-way street and Trixie was fucking fuming.

Katya was crying though. Silently. Keeping her eyes fixed on the road, knuckles white from her grip on the steering-wheel, Trixie’s hand hurting from Katya crushing it.

“How are you still this good? Like how are you not just fucking wrecked?” Katya asked quietly.

“I don’t know.” Trixie noticed her leg was bouncing up and down and put her free hand on top of it to stop it. “My brother kept me sane.”

Katya got quiet again. “I’m glad you weren’t alone.”

“Me too.” Trixie said. But she had been alone for four years.

She didn’t tell Katya though.

They drove the rest of the way in silence. Katya stopped crying after a couple of minutes, but she didn’t let go of Trixie’s hand until they were parked in front of the station the bus left from.

“Thanks so much for driving me.” Trixie said again.

“Thanks for letting me.” Katya answered and sent Trixie a small smile.

Trixie didn’t move from her seat even though there wasn’t really a reason for her to stay there any longer. “Have a nice time with your parents.”

“Thanks. Have the best Thanksgiving of your life with your brother.”

“I will.” Trixie said, and it felt like the truth.

“Good. You deserve it.” Katya said it with such conviction Trixie couldn’t help but believe it.

“Okay, well.” Trixie said and took her bag from the floor. “I’ll see you soon.”

“Yeah. Text me when you get there safely.”

“Okay. You too.”

“Okay.”

Trixie got out of the car, and turned around to wave goodbye to Katya, but Katya didn’t start driving away. Instead she got out of the car too and without a word pulled Trixie into a hug.

Trixie wasn’t sure how long they stood like that, with their arms around each other, Katya’s head tucked neatly under Trixie’s, but she could feel it when Katya started to cry again. It made her heart ache to know that another person cared about her enough to cry for her.

She felt a tap on her shoulder and opened her eyes. A small man stood in front of her. He looked kind enough. A bit tentative.

“Excuse me, are either of you going with the 5:30 bus for Detroit?”

“I am.” Trixie said.

“Alright miss. The bus leaves in five minutes so you need to say goodbye to your girlfriend, so I can load your baggage.”

At the same time Trixie and Katya started sputtering.

“She’s not my-“

“Oh no, sir, we’re not-“

“just friends-“

“and we’re just good friends.”

He looked unconvinced but just said “well then you need to say goodbye to your friend, so I can load your baggage.”

“Okay.” Trixie said.

Trixie pulled Katya in for another hug. “Goodbye,” she said.

“Goodbye,” Katya answered, but neither let go.

“I have to go now.” And Trixie finally let go of Katya.

“Text me.”

“I will.”

 

The bus tour was uneventful. It was long, the legroom too small and the seats uncomfortable. She was lucky enough to sit by herself though, and got quite a lot of her reading for after Thanksgiving done, which she was feeling better about than she probably should have. She even tried to write something for an assignment that they weren’t supposed to hand in for another two weeks, but only got a few sentences in when she realized it was no good and that she kept getting distracted.

She texted, mostly with Adore whose flight had a three-hour intermediate stop and was bored out of her mind.

 

**Adore** : there’s this dude who has been eyeing me for the last thirty minutes

**Trixie** : oh god i hate that

**Adore** : me too

**Adore** : and it’s like i can’t even look at him with him thinking i’m probably flirting with him

**Trixie** : men are the worst

**Adore** : preach

**Adore** : i thank god every day that i’m a lesbian so that i can minimize my interactions with men

**Trixie** : lol

**Trixie** : speaking of lesbianism

**Trixie** : what’s up with you and bianca? i feel like we haven’t talked in forever

**Adore** : me too bitch!

**Adore** : and it’s going pretty good i think

**Trixie** : ahhh that’s great!!

**Adore** : yeah

**Trixie** : any details?

**Adore** : you know when we went to watch mamma mia?

**Trixie** : yes?

**Adore** : we may have held hands for like all the movie except the first ten minutes

**Trixie** : omg!!!

**Adore** : i think she might like me too

**Trixie** : what no way whatever in the world gave you that idea????

**Adore** : are you making fun of me

**Trixie** : yes, obviously

**Trixie** : but for real i’m really happy for you

**Adore** : don’t tell the others though

**Trixie** : i won’t

**Trixie** : but i think they might figure it out anyway

**Adore** : really?

**Trixie** : well i believe all of our friends have working eyesight

**Adore** : fuck off

**Trixie** : stop flirting so much in the gc if you don’t want anyone to know honey and eyefucking her whenever you see her

**Adore** : but i don’t want to

**Trixie** : then live with the consequences

**Adore** : you’re no fun

**Trixie** : are you sure about that? ;)

**Adore** : not anymore hoe!!

**Trixie** : ;););)

 

Trixie had spotted Jonathan as soon as the bus pulled in to the parking lot and had sprinted out of the bus and directly into his arms.

“Nate oh my god I’ve missed you so much.”

“I’ve missed you too sis.” And Trixie knew he meant it.

“Let me take a look at you.” He said after they had pulled apart. “You look good.” He concluded, smiling.

“You too! I love your hair longer.”

“So do I.”

“I need to get my bag, I’ll be back in a sec.”

“Sure.” Jonathan said, and Trixie appreciated he didn’t offer to get it for her, because he knew she was stubborn and that she wanted to do things by herself.

She got it back, then thanked the driver for the trip and wished him a good day.

“Let’s get out of here.”

“Right this way sis.”

 

Trixie had been to Jonathan’s apartment exactly one time before and literally nothing had changed. He still lived with the same three boys as he had the first time she had been around, and the worn couch they had sworn would be replaced soon was still gracing their livingroom.

“So you’ll be sleeping in my room while you’re here.”

“What? Where will you sleep then?”

“Lewis is visiting his girlfriend’s family in Nashville, so I’ll be taking his room.”

“Wouldn’t it have been easier to just have me sleep in there then?”

“Probably, but Lewis is disgusting so I thought rather me than you.”

“You’re such a gentleman, no wonder the ladies are throwing themselves at you.” Trixie smiled overtly sweetly and batted her eyelashes.

“They are not!”

Trixie raised an eyebrow.

“You’re just jealous.” Jonathan shot back and crossed his arms.

“You wish.”

Jonathan sighed, and Trixie smiled brighter. “Just put you bag in my room. I’ll make us some hot chocolate.”

“I really, really do love you,” Trixie said sincerely and then stalked off to put her bag in his room.

Five minutes later Trixie was sitting crosslegged at one end of the shabby couch, sipping on her hot chocolate and feeling pretty content, despite being tired.

“So, how’s college?” Jonathan asked, and he seemed genuinely interested.

“Overall it’s really good! Like sure, some of my classes suck, and I’m tired literally all the time, but I’ve made some pretty good friends.”

“I knew you would.”

“You did?”

“Of course. You’re pretty amazing Trix. Too amazing for Milwaukee. That’s why you never really fit in.”

Trixie snorted a laugh. “Sure, that played a part too.”

Jonathan rolled his eyes but didn’t comment on it further. “How do you like your roommate?”

“Oh she’s amazing! We get on really well. She’s gonna be a music major too, so we bonded a lot over that at first, but now we just talk about whatever. She doesn’t really have any boundaries though, so I know a lot of stuff I would rather not know by now.”

“Like?”

“Like everything about what she gets up to with Bianca and how she apparently is _the best kisser in the world_.” Trixie made her voice highpitched for the last part, but smiled fondly anyway.

Jonathan looked slightly confused. “Is Bianca her girlfriend or am I not getting something?”

“Not yet, but I feel like they’re almost there. They have been flirting since our first day here more or less, but Bianca’s great, so I approve. She actually our RA. Can you believe that?”

He shook his head, grinning. “Do you have any pictures of them?”

“I sure do.”

Trixie didn’t have to scroll far up her photos to find one. The one she chose was one taken at their latest Pizza and Movie Tuesday. She zoomed in on the two of them sitting in the corner of Trixie’s bed that had quickly become theirs.

“That’s Adore, the one with the green hair. And the redhead is Bianca.” She tried pointing, but Jonathan took the phone out of her hands to get a better look.

“They sure do look pretty cozy, huh?”

“I know, right?”

He kept looking at it, and then zoomed in on different faces.

“Who’s that?”

“That’s Courtney. She’s Australian!”

“Is she a first year too?”

“No, she’s in second year. But she was an exchange student a couple of years ago and stayed with Adore and her mom. She’s really nice. That’s Alaska, Courtney’s roommate. She’s so weird, but we all love her anyway. Then there’s Vanjie. Or well her name’s Vanessa, but we call her Vanjie. I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone who talks as much as she does. She’s honestly blabbering all the time, but she’s really sweet, and funny, too, so we don’t mind.”

“How do you know her?”

Trixie thought about it. “I’m not even sure to be honest?” She laughed. “I think maybe she has some classes with Adore? She was just there one day and we all accepted it.”

Jonathan smiled amused.

“Oh, that’s you! You look really happy.” Jonathan looked pretty happy himself as he pointed this out.

“I am.”

“Who’s the girl next to you?”

Trixie’s smile broadened and a slight blush crept into her cheeks. “Katya.”

“You two close?”

“Yeah.” Trixie took a breath. “Yeah, she’s amazing.” She was quiet for a few seconds. “I’ve told her about Gary a bit and stuff.”

“Have you really?” Jonathan looked surprised. While they hadn’t ever actually discussed it, both knew that neither of them really opened up about that. “She must be something else then.”

“She is. I’ve never met anyone like her. She’s probably the kindest person I’ve ever met.”

“How did you two meet?”

“She works at the kindergarten, too. She was the one to show me around, and we just hit it off, I think. Then I accidentally found her in a restricted area at the party at term start, and, yeah. We just talked a lot. I don’t know. I just really like her.”

“Good. That’s good.”

“Oh!” Trixie exclaimed.

“What?”

“I promised I’d text her once I got here but I totally forgot about it. Fuck, I’m such a shitty friend.” Trixie took her phone out. “She drove me to the station and this is how I repay her?”

 

**Trixie** : hey, sorry i forgot to text you, but i'm here and everything’s good!! xx

 

Jonathan looked puzzled. “Wait, she drove you? This morning?”

“Yes?”

“At, what, fucking four am?”

“Uhm, yes.” Trixie felt herself blushing again and looked away from Jonathan.

 

**Katya** : it’s all good! happy you got there safely. have the best time with your brother <3

 

“She must really like you then.”

“I hope so.”

 

**Trixie** : i will!! hope you have a great time with your parents also <3

 

Jonathan looked at her with a strange expression.

“What?” Trixie asked.

“Nothing.”

 

**Katya** : thank you <3

 

“Sure Janet.”

Jonathan laughed, but didn’t say anything.

“Hey, where’s Nick and Reggie?”

“Nick’s at work and I think Reggie is catching up with an old friend. Maybe? They’ll be back later.”

“Alright.”

 

**Katya** : also i hope this isn’t weird but thank you for telling me about your stepdad. and sorry for being such a mess about it

**Trixie** : it was really nice to talk about it actually. i haven’t really talked about before haha. and don’t apologize it's nice to know you care

 

“What have you been up to then?” Trixie asked.

“Not a lot. School and football have been taking up most of my time. Everything feels much more important now that I’m almost done.”

“That makes sense.”

 

**Katya** : of course i care trixie. how can i not?

 

“But life has been good. Really good actually.” Trixie looked up and brightened at the goofy smile on his lips.

“Has it now?”

“I have kind of started seeing this girl…”

“Oh my god! Tell me everything.” Trixie clapped her hands together in excitement.

“Well, her name is Frances, she’s a junior, but she’s really smart, so we both took the same class. And she’s so funny, like one of the wittiest people I’ve ever met. And she’s so beautiful.”

“Can I see a picture of her?”

“Yeah, let me find the best one, just a moment.”

 

**Trixie** : you’re honestly the best person i know

**Katya** : you are too

 

“Here, this is her.” Jonathan passed her his phone, and on it was what indeed was a very pretty girl. She had brown skin, the most amazing curly hair and a brilliant smile. She was also dressed in a cute, light pink dress, so that helped her case.

“She’s so pretty. And she looks nice.”

“She is. She does all kinds of good shit. Like she volunteers at animal shelters and stuff. She’s even made me go a couple of times, and it’s actually really cool.”

“You’re also good with animals, so that probably helps.”

“Probably, yeah.”

“I’m really happy for you, Nate.”

“Me too.”

Trixie sent him a smile and he smiled back.

 

**Trixie** : <3<3<3

 

They continued chatting about life, and school, and football and music and Frances and Katya for hours, at some point ordering thai food and splitting their orders between them. Jonathan opened a beer and Trixie kept stealing it to take sips of it, so he eventually just gave her her own. Nick came home from work and talked with them a bit before going to bed. Trixie was tired, too, but she was so happy to be with her brother again that she didn’t want to go to bed, even though they had more than a week together. Trixie and Jonathan put on a movie and Trixie fell asleep halfway through.

 

The next couple of days went by in a flash. Jonathan took Trixie to all of his favorite places, they drank an unhealthy amount of hot chocolate, and they just talked about everything.

On Saturday Trixie had gone with Jonathan, Reggie and Nick to a bar in the evening and had a surprisingly good time. She knew her brother’s friends would be good people, but was surprised at how well she got along with them, especially because she hadn’t ever really connected too well with boys. She gained their utmost respect when she flexed on all of them with her beer pong skills and was only slightly embarrassed when they sang her name so loudly half the bar joined in. Mostly she was just happy, though.

The four of them played a lot of board games and card games both during the day and at night, Nick was usually the one winning, which he was feeling pretty smug about.

On Monday Trixie convinced the boys to play Just Dance after they had had a couple of beers. She wasn’t particularly good at it, but she had a lot of fun anyway. She made Jonathan record a video of her dancing to Cotton Eye Joe which she sent out to the groupchat.

 

** ice ice baby **

**_Trixie_ ** _sent a video_

**Trixie** : i've reconnected with my country roots

**hopefully a teletubby** : omg you’re such a horrible dancer

**hopefully a teletubby** : i'd almost forgotten

**Trixie** : what are you talking about, i've got them moves baby!!

**hopefully a teletubby** : uhhhhh sure…

**Bianca del Meano** : please remind me to dance against you if we ever play just dance, that way i'll look good no matter what

**Trixie** : why are you two being so mean :(

**Bianca del Meano** : it’s in my genes i can’t help it

**Katya Kahlo** : i think you look cute trix!!

**Bianca del Meano** : yeah but you also don’t have any taste, so it doesn’t count

**Katya Kahlo** : fuck off b

**Bianca del Meano** : remember that girl you dated for a few months sophomore year?

**blue?** : i do!!

**Katya Kahlo** : i thought we had decided not to talk about that any more

**Katya Kahlo** : everyone makes mistakes

**blue?** : some bigger than others

**Katya Kahlo** : she wasn’t that bad…

**Bianca del Meano** : i can smell the lie all the way in louisiana

**Bianca del Meano** : there was also that boy you were way into freshman year

**Katya Kahlo** : can we please talk about something else?

**blue?** : was he the gay one you told me about?

**Bianca del Meano** : he sure was

**Katya Kahlo** : i'm leaving this chat if you don’t stop

**Bianca del Meano** : liessss

**Trixie** : don’t leave me with them katya!!

**Trixie** : they’re hateful

**Bianca del Meano** : well yeah have you met me

**Katya Kahlo** : fine, i'm staying but only for trixie

**hopefully a teletubby** : you two are disgusting

**Trixie** : fuck you too

 

While she was in Detroit, Trixie texted with Katya every day and sent pictures of everything they did, receiving smiling selfies of Katya back, which she treasured and really motivated her to keep sending more photos. On multiple occasions she found things that reminded her of Katya and if it hadn’t been for the look Jonathan gave her, she would probably have bought at least half of them.

On Tuesday she had a long conversation with Nick about Dolly Parton and her brilliance. He off-handedly mentioned he was gay and she told him about how a lot of friends were gay. He asked her if she was gay too, which made her feel weird and uncomfortable and really appreciate the term a deer in headlights, because nothing else could fully describe how she was feeling at that moment. She shook her head, not really trusting her voice, and he just said okay before continuing with their conversation.

She talked to Adore about it, asked her if she gave of gay vibes, which Adore answered to non-committedly, making Trixie acutely aware of how she apparently seemed gay, which there wasn’t anything wrong with, but she really, truly, for sure, definitely wasn’t gay, so she didn’t want other people to think she was. She wasn’t sure what to change though, so she just tried to give off straight vibes instead.

On Wednesday they went shopping for their Thanksgiving meal, which they had decided wouldn’t be turkey, as none of them knew how to cook it and because Trixie was a vegetarian. They hadn’t really thought about how most people went crazy up to Thanksgiving and bought everything any store had to offer, so they ended up with a questionable ensemble of food, but none of them really cared that much about it. Then they played Trivial Pursuit which Trixie lost by a mile, before getting ready for bed.

She wasn’t very tired, and even though she had texted with Katya a lot, she realized how used she had become to talking to her, hearing her voice, almost every day and how much she missed that now.

 

**Trixie** : hey, are you awake?

**Katya** : yeah, why?

**Trixie** : can i call you?

**Katya** : sure

 

Trixie called her.

“ _Hey, is anything wrong_?” Katya asked. She sounded concerned.

“No, no everything’s great. I just missed you.”

“ _Oh. I missed you too_.”

“Have you done anything exciting today?”

“ _I don’t know if it qualifies as exciting, but me and my mom went to see a gymnastics competition?_ ”

“That’s definitely exciting!”

“ _It was fun. They were so good Trixie_.”

“Yeah?”

“ _Yeah. I missed doing gymnastics for a hot minute_.” Katya laughed.

“You were pretty good, right?”

“ _I was okay. I could probably have been good if I hadn’t stopped_.”

“Why did you stop?”

“ _Uhm_.” Katya was quiet. “ _Some of the people I met through gymnastics were pretty toxic, but I couldn’t see it before it was too late. It was, like, a very competitive environment and you couldn’t really trust anyone. That fucks with you really bad, so I started doing some bad shit because of it, to deal with it, you know. The pressure_.”

“Yeah.” Trixie didn’t really know what else to say. She wanted to know what exactly Katya had done, but she didn’t want to pressure her to tell her.

“ _Stopping was the best decision I’ve made. Don’t know where I would have been if I hadn’t. Not where I am right now, that’s for sure_.” She laughed, but it sounded hollow.

“I’m happy you quit then.”

“ _Me too. Anyway, did you do anything exciting today?_ ”

“I went shopping for our Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow and lost spectacularly at Trivial Pursuit.”

“ _That sounds fun_.”

“Oh yes, I love losing. It’s a hobby of mine actually.”

Katya laughed, and Trixie smiled. “ _I know this is a bit pathetic, but I really miss you_.”

Trixie’s heart skipped a beat. “You too. Like, a lot.”

They were silent for a few moments.

“ _I’m so happy I met you_.”

“Believe me, so am I. I’m so thankful I got the job at Over the Rainbow.”

“ _Do you think we would have met otherwise?_ ”

“Maybe. Probably.”

“ _Really?_ ”

“Yeah, through Adore and Bianca.”

“ _Oh, I thought you were going to say something nice about fate and destiny_.”

“That too.”

The door to Trixie’s room opened and Jonathan walked in.

“Sorry to disturb, I’m just gonna grab a t-shirt real quick. Oh are you on the phone?”

“Yeah.” Trixie said as if it was obvious. Which it was.

“Who are you talking to?”

“Katya.”

“Cool, say hi from me. Tell her thanks for driving you to the station.”

“You sound like my mom.”

“Fuck, I hope not.”

Trixie laughed. “Goodbye Nate.”

He left.

“ _Was that your brother?_ ”

“Yeah. I’m staying in his room, but all his clothes and things are still in here, so he comes in all the time.”

“ _That’s nice. That he’s given you his room, I mean. Not the clothes part_.”

Trixie laughed softly. “He’s a pretty good guy.”

“ _I could imagine_.”

“He said thanks for driving me to the station, if you didn’t hear.”

“ _I did. But it was my pleasure_.”

“You’re a little crazy, you know.”

“ _Just a little?”_

“Okay, a lot crazy. But that’s part of your charm.”

“ _I like to think so, too._ ” She could hear Katya breathing through the speaker. “ _I should probably go to bed._ ”

“Yeah, me too. It was nice talking to you.”

“ _Thanks for calling me_.”

“Thanks for picking up.”

“ _Okay, goodnight Trixie_.”

“Goodnight Katya, sleep tight.”

“ _You too_.”

 

On the actual day of Thanksgiving they didn’t do a lot differently than they had the other days Trixie had stayed with them, except for dressing nicer. Trixie helped Reggie cook, because both Jonathan and Nick had been banned from being in the kitchen with him after what they referred to as The Easter Accident and Reggie was the best cook out of the four of them. They got together an okay meal, considering what they had to cook with, and mostly just fooled around, singing along with the music that was blasting through the kitchen. When the time came for them to say what they were thankful for, none of them could take it seriously.

“I’m thankful for having had a decent cook to make this glorious meal with,” Reggie started, “contrary to at Easter”

“I’m thankful for all the vegetarian options this meal provides. There’s at least three things I can eat, which is three times more than last year where I had to eat just potatoes because someone had put bacon in the salad.” Trixie continued.

“I’m thankful for the fact that we have listened to Dolly for four hours straight today,” Nick said sincerely.

“I’m thankful that I’m the smartest out of all of us and therefor won yesterday’s Trivial Pursuit game.” Jonathan told them with a straight face.

“I’m thankful I’m not a bragging winner.” Reggie said, and shot a look at Jonathan.

“I’m thankful I’m not a sore loser,” he shot back.

“I’m thankful my hot body usually keeps people from caring whether I win or lose.” Trixie said. She only just managed to not crack up, but it was a close call.

“I’m thankful I only have to endure the pain of living with three heterosexuals for another half year.” Nick said, before whispering “give me strength God.”

“I’m thankful for the C I got on my last paper. That shit deserved a D at most.” Reggie sounded very thankful indeed.

“I’m thankful for bread.”

“I’m thankful for shitty romantic comedies.”

“I’m thankful for Sparknotes.”

“I’m thankful for the moon.”

“I’m thankful for socks. That shit’s dope.”

For some reason that was the comment that made them all loose it, and they laughed so much Trixie’s stomach started to hurt. Then they dug into the meal, and Trixie thought that she was really thankful for being here, right now. And for all the friends she had made in Boston. And that she was very thankful she had met Katya, because Katya made her want to be a better person, and that was important.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you want to come say hi to me on tumblr I'm @moonmemory  
> I'd also love to hear your thoughts on my story!!


	8. the edge of the world

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Are you busy in around half an hour?”  
> “We have this assignment in one of my art classes where we have to go to different places around town and do drawings of them. Only I think it’s a little boring to draw just places, so I was wondering if you had the time to go with me?”  
> “Yeah, sure. It sounds fun.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter is a little late, but I had a horrible hangover yesterday so I ended up watching brooklyn nine-nine all day instead of finishing this chapter ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯  
> I loved writing this chapter so I hope you'll like it! I'd love to hear your thoughts on it!  
> Also: i won't be updating next week because of Copenhagen Pride

**_Katya_ ** _is calling_

“Hello?” Trixie asked, a bit confused as to why Katya was calling her as they usually just texted, but happy about it none the less. She could also really use a break. Her concentration was slowly but surely slipping, and her thoughts had started wandering.

“ _Hi Trixie, am I disturbing you?_ ”

“No, not at all, what’s up?”

“ _Are you busy in around half an hour?_ ”

Trixie looked at her essay. She only needed to write a few hundred words more and then read it through before handing it in in two days. It wasn’t a lot, but she had hoped to get it finished today so she could continue revising for her midterms.

She was curious though, and it sounded like Katya had something particular in mind.

“No.” She decided. “Why?”

“ _We have this assignment in one of my art classes where we have to go to different places around town and do drawings of them. Only I think it’s a little boring to draw just places, so I was wondering if you had the time to go with me?_ ”

“Yeah, sure. It sounds fun.” Trixie could feel a smile spreading across her face. “I’m not sure how I’ll help with the not drawing boring places part though.”

“ _Oh, I thought it was obvious_.” Katya said.

“No?”

“ _Well, I’d be drawing you in the places. If that’s alright._ ”

A surprised “oh” escaped Trixie.

“ _Is it okay?_ ”

“Yeah, yes, of course. Not sure why you’d want to draw me though.” Trixie laughed, feeling a little out of her depths.

“ _You’re really interesting to look at. Like, you know you’re beautiful right?”_ Trixie could sense a blush spread like wildfire _. “And I think it’d be fun to use your pink hair as a sort of focus point, connection the drawings_.”

“Right, sure. I can see that.” Trixie nodded even though Katya couldn’t see it. “And thanks.” She added sheepishly.

“ _What for?_ ”

“For saying I’m, you know, beautiful.” She was mumbling and it really didn’t suit her.

“ _Well, you are_.”

“Mmm,” Trixie mumbled, neither agreeing or disagreeing.

“ _You are._ ” Katya insisted. “ _I was thinking I’d like to do my first drawing in the secret garden_.”

“The secret garden?”

“ _The one where we talked at the party at the beginning of the year_.”

“Oh, right. I didn’t realize it had a name.”

“ _Yeah, it sounds a bit like something from a fairytale, don’t you think?_ ”

“Or from a porn.” Trixie had said it before making a conscious decision to do so, but Katya was laughing loudly on the other end, and in her mind Trixie could picture almost exactly what Katya was looking like, and felt herself smile at the image. She didn’t mind the joke so much, then.

“ _You’ve got a dirty mind Ms. Mattel_ ,” Katya said, still laughing.

“Haven’t we all?”

“ _Probably. Anyway, can we meet in the, oh God I can’t even say it with a straight face now, in the secret garden in half an hour?_ ”

“Yes, we can indeed meet in the secret garden Ms. Zamoladobadadingdong.”

Katya laughed again much to Trixie’s great enjoyment. “ _Great! I’ll see you then_.”

“Yeah, see you.” Trixie kept the phone pressed against her ear long after the call ended and probably looked really stupid. She didn’t care.

 

Trixie pushed open the door and stepped out into the cold December weather. She wrapped her pink scarf tighter around her neck, grateful for any warmth it provided.

She couldn’t see Katya but assumed she would be around the corner. She was.

Katya was sitting on the cold ground in an enormous jacket and what seemed to be nothing less three scarfs in different colors and patterns. Most of her blond bob was hidden underneath a rather ugly hat, but she still looked pretty good in Trixie’s opinion. She always did though.

In front of her were a bunch of different pencils, a few painting brushes, some paint and a thick notebook.

“Hi!” Katya said as she spotted Trixie. She stood up and went to greet her, a huge smile on her face. Trixie smiled back and wrapped her arms around Katya.

“Hey.”

Katya withdrew from the hug too early for Trixie’s liking, but there was really nothing rational she could do about it.

“I’m so excited you’ve agreed to do this with me. It’s really important that I do good in this assignment, cause it’s like 20 percent of our final grade, so you know.”

The pressure to do good immediately hit Trixie, even though it wasn’t her assignment. “Oh wow. No pressure.” Trixie laughed, feeling just slightly intimidated.

“Nose pressure!” Katya said and bopped Trixie on the nose, making Trixie more relaxed instantly. She rolled her eyes affectionately at Katya and poked her lightly in the chest. “Sometimes I think you’ve spent too much time around the kids.”

“Sometimes I do too.”

“Oh, well then I definitely think so. I just didn’t want to offend you, because I’m such an amazingly good human person.”

“A human person? That sure sounds like something someone who wasn’t a human person would say. Hmmm?” Katya raised both eyebrows and gave Trixie a suspicious once-over.

“Oh dang, you’ve got me there. Time to go back to Mars I guess.” Trixie said and started walking away dramatically. She stopped, turned around and watched on in delight as Katya broke out into a full-body laugh, despite Trixie not even thinking she was being that funny.

“I hate you! You’re not allowed to be funny while I paint, I won’t be able to draw a straight line.”

“You do know that my wit is, like, something I’m born with, right? It’s not my fault that I’m objectively the funniest human person on this planet.” Trixie shrugged and Katya laughed again, but this time she leaned a bit forward and touched Trixie’s arm, leaving her buzzing and feeling warm despite the cold.

“Shut up. Just sit there and look pretty.” Katya pointed at a place on the ground a few feet away from where her painting equipment lay.

“Facing you or facing away?”

“Facing me.”

“Alright.” Trixie sat down. “How do you want me to sit?”

“However you want. That’s fine.”

Trixie nodded. “Can we talk while you paint or is that a no go?”

Katya sat down too. “You can talk. I might not answer though. I have a tendency to get really focused and shut out everything around me.”

“Okay, I’ll just make up your answers then.”

“Like any sane person would.”

“Exactly.”

Katya flipped open her notebook and picked up a pencil. She started sketching, altering between looking up at Trixie and down at her drawing. Trixie couldn’t see it from where she was sitting, but she was close to combusting from curiosity.

She didn’t ask to see the drawing though. She wouldn’t before it was finished, figured it would be a little like asking her to play one of her songs when she was still in the process of writing it, and still not sure of she liked it or not.

Instead she chatted animatedly about absolutely everything. She told Katya in great detail about her Thanksgiving with Nate, despite Katya already having heard most of it while Trixie was at Nate’s. She related how she and Adore had tried writing a song together and it ending up sounding quite horrible because they thought it would definitely be possible for them to mix punk and country. It turned out it wasn’t, but they had had fun and still found themselves singing it from time to time, always joining in with the other. She even hummed a bit of it, but started laughing almost immediately, so it didn’t give a very good indication of the song. Sometimes Katya would give a short answer, most of the time just mumble something incohesive neither of them knew what meant or just not answer at all. Trixie didn’t mind though, she was happy to just be with Katya.

“There.” Katya said, unintentionally interrupting Trixie’s retelling of yesterday’s lunch conversation with Vanjie.

“Can I see it?” Trixie asked excited.

“Not yet, I want to make all of them before I show you.”

Trixie pouted. “You’re mean. Here I am, graciously allowing you to use me as your muse, and _this_ is how you treat me?”

“I know, I’m a horrible person.” Katya said it while grinning, so she really didn’t look the part. “Are you ready to go to the next place?”

“After you milady.”

 

Not long after they found themselves in a park. It wasn’t far of campus, but Trixie hadn’t even known it existed until now.

“I used to run here a lot, before I started doing yoga. I still go for a run here every now and then, but it’s less and less these days.”

Trixie hadn’t ever gotten in to sports. She had tried to when she was younger, but nothing had ever stuck. The only thing she had actually enjoyed was horseback riding, but then the horse she had been riding had gotten sick and Trixie had felt such loyalties to him that she had decided stopped altogether instead of becoming familiar with another horse.

They kept walking for a bit until Katya stopped in front of a huge tree, a mischievous look on her face.

“What would you say if I asked if you could climb up and sit on that branch?” Katya asked and pointed at a thick branch a few feet above the ground.

“I would say that you’re batshit crazy.”

“But you wouldn’t say no?”

“Honey, I’m from the country, this ain’t my first rodeo.”

“Well mama, up you go then.”

Trixie went to climb the tree, which it turned out was a lot more difficult than when she was nine and wasn’t scared of anything. Katya kept cheering her on though, occasionally snickering and always promising that she would take at least a hundred photos and laugh her ass of if Trixie fell down. Trixie replied with heated shut up and fuck you’s.

Eventually Trixie managed the climb and got herself seated as comfortable as one could when sitting in a tree in the middle of winter.

Katya got to drawing and while Trixie tried to hold something resembling a conversation with Katya, it was difficult because she had to speak rather loudly and got almost no responses at all.

Eventually she just kept quiet and was contempt observing Katya drawing.

Katya finished this drawing quicker than the first one, which Trixie was rather grateful for, because sitting in a tree for a longer period of time was not, in fact, particularly comfortable.

The real challenge, Trixie found out, was not getting up in the tree, but rather getting down.

“Can’t you just jump? It’s not that far?” Katya asked, looking at Trixie.

“It might not look like that for you, but from up here…” Trixie shook her head. “Listen, I would like to go on living with two working legs, so it’s a no from me.”

“Do a head dive then, that way you’ll keep both legs.” Katya sported a shit-eating grin and then broke out into full-body laughter.

“I’ll head dive up your ass.” Trixie declared from her branch up the tree.

Katya cackled. “Oh yes, please do.”

“I don’t think we can be friends anymore.” Trixie said and then looked down. It looked like much further down than it had just a few minutes ago. But she had to get down, so painfully slowly she swung one of her legs over the edge of the branch, holding on to the trunk for dear life.

“That’s a shame.”

“Yeah, for you. It’ll be great for me.” Trixie muttered, panting.

“I love you too, Tracy. Now get your ass down here.”

“What do you think I’m trying to do?”

“Hugging the tree?” Katya asked innocently.

“It’s a better friend than you right now, that’s for sure!”

Katya laughed, but started telling Trixie the best place for her to put her feet, slowly guiding her towards the ground.

“Oh earth, how I’ve missed you!” Trixie stated happily once she had both feet on the ground again and sent a kiss towards the ground.

“You do know that the tree is connected to the earth, right?”

“Shut up.”

 

To say Trixie was relieved when Katya stopped outside a small coffee shop was an understatement.

“Are we going in?” Trixie asked, voice hopeful.

“We are indeed.”

“Oh thank God. I want hot chocolate.”

“Your wish is my command.” Katya said, grinning.

Trixie really tried to pay for her own drink, but Katya wasn’t having any of it and said matter-of-factly that it was payback for Trixie being her model, and for letting Katya drag her all over town and for making her climb a tree, and eventually Trixie gave in.

Katya spotted a table in the corner of the café and asked Trixie to get it for them, which Trixie did.

Katya joined her a few minutes later with two hot drinks, a piece of cake and two forks.

“We deserve a treat.” She announced.

“If the treat is cake, we sure do.”

They shared the cake.

“Are you going to do a drawing here, too?” Trixie asked in-between bites.

“That’s the plan, yeah. I worked here before I got the job at Over the Rainbow.”

“Did you really?” Trixie asked and looked around the shop with a renewed interest.

“Yes, though I wasn’t particularly good at it. Somehow I managed to make the coffee too strong half of the time.”

“So what you’re telling me is that every time the coffee tastes like shit in the kindergarten it’s because you’ve made it?”

Katya laughed. “Probably, yeah.”

Trixie shook her head smiling. “How can you mess it up though? You literally just follow the instructions.”

“In theory, sure, in reality though? Let’s just say sometimes I like to freestyle a little.”

“Oh my God Katya, no. No freestyling!”

“Life’s too boring if you do everything by the boo.,” Katya said with a shrug.

“Or do you just get good coffee?” Trixie asked with a pointed look.

“Who says you can’t do both?”

“My taste buds, for one.”

Katya laughed again, and she looked so happy Trixie couldn’t help but laugh too.

They finished the cake in longer than it usually took cake to be consumed, continuously getting caught up in discussion and forgetting the cake existed. Trixie brought the plate and forks back to the front desk while Katya opened her backpack and withdrew her equipment.

It was a lot easier to talk now compared to when Trixie had been up in the tree, and this time Trixie talked about her classes, and how much she despised her Writing and Rhetoric’s professor, whom she thought was a misogynistic asshole, then about the latest series she and Adore had been watching together, the current one being Orphan Black, which Trixie thought was a show Katya probably would enjoy as well. She told her as much, before she moved on to talk about some new make-up palettes she really wanted to buy but knew that she shouldn’t because she already owned way too much make-up.

All while talking, Trixie frequently tried to sneak a look at Katya’s drawing, every time receiving a pointed look from her, making Trixie pout.

Eventually Katya finished and Trixie mournfully left the warm and cozy coffee shop.

“We have to go back here again, that hot chocolate was out of this world.”

Katya sent Trixie a crooked smile. “Sure. Just say the word.”

“Okay.” Trixie said.

“Okay.” Katya said.

 

“Please tell me where we’re going.” Trixie asked for the millionth time.

She knew the answer before Katya said it aloud. “You’ll have to wait and see.”

So she waited, impatiently, for around thirty seconds before asking again. The answer was always the same. Neither of them minded.

“Tada!” Katya said, pretty much out of the blue, and gestured wildly to their surroundings. To say Trixie was underwhelmed was an understatement. They were finding themselves in a rather sketchy back alley and Trixie really wasn’t sure why Katya would choose this place of all places to do a drawing, but it was Katya, so she wasn’t all that surprised to be honest.

“Just so you know, I’m not sitting on the ground. Don’t wanna catch a STD.”

Katya laughed. “Fine, if you insist. Could you lean against the wall then? I bet you’ll have to really try if you want to catch an STD from there.”

Trixie eyed the wall suspiciously. “Sure. But you’re paying for my treatment if I wake up with syphilis.” Trixie took two steps towards the wall before leaning against it.

“Deal.” Katya said grinning.

Katya started going around the alley, squatting down different places with a critical look on her face. Finally, it lit up. “That’s it!” Katya exclaimed loudly and then plumbed down on the ground, retreating her drawing equipment from her backpack.

Trixie smiled and observed Katya fondly.

“What’s your thoughts behind the places you’ve chosen?” Trixie asked after a little time, because she knew there would be one and realized she hadn’t asked yet.

“I want to draw places that has a meaning to me, otherwise I would have a hard time conveying any emotion, and I think art is only really art if it has feelings behind it.”

Trixie raised an eyebrow. “And this wonderful alley has a deep meaning to you?”

“I wouldn’t say it’s deep, per say, but it has memories.”

Trixie sent Katya a skeptical look. “Would you care to expand on that?”

“Well.” Katya suddenly focused all of her attention on lining up her pencils and brushes. “This was the first place I got off with a girl.”

Trixie immediately wished she hadn’t asked, and something that felt a lot like jealousy coursed through her. She wanted to leave the alley and never return, banish its memories to a dark corner of her mind, because she couldn’t stop the images of Katya making out with a faceless girl, of the girl’s hands travelling up and down Katya’s thighs, of Katya’s face when the girl had her hands between her legs, from entering her mind and playing on an infinite loop.

The last one was the worst. It was the worst because for a brief moment, that quickly turned in to a longer moment, Trixie couldn’t help picturing herself as the faceless girl, as being the reason for Katya’s unraveling and it was making Trixie slowly unbecome.

Fuck. Stop it. Stop it, stop it, stop it.

Trixie swallowed hard. “Right.”

They were quiet.

“It was a long time ago though, the beginning of my freshman year. I don’t do that anymore.” Katya looked up, probably finished with arranging her things, and gave Trixie a look. Trixie nodded dumbfounded.

“Also,” Katya said, “I didn’t choose this place because I got off, exactly, but because it played a big part in me finally realizing and coming to terms with my sexuality.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.” Katya picked up a pencil and started sketching.

Trixie didn’t talk much while Katya drew this time, her thoughts a constant distraction. She couldn’t help but feel like it was significant that Katya had brought her to this place. Trixie also couldn’t help but think about if Katya had been stood with her back against the wall like Trixie was now when she had been here the first time, which lead to Trixie thinking about Katya making out with the faceless girl, which lead to Trixie being the faceless girl, which lead to Trixie trying not to think at all.

But that was impossible.

 

Katya finished up her drawing, and Trixie was a little ashamed to confess that she was relieved when Katya told her it was the last one.

Despite her nagging thoughts and an imminent sense of doom, Trixie was still curious.

“Can I see your drawings now?”

Katya looked a little sheepish before nodding. “Please don’t hate them.”

“I don’t think that would be possible.” Trixie said. It was the truth. She really couldn’t imagine hating anything Katya created.

“Okay, right.” Katya took a deep breath before flipping open her notebook. She handed it to Trixie and looked at her with a nervous expression.

“Wow,” Trixie breathed.

The first drawing was of her in the secret garden. She was in the center of the drawing, and she looked ethereal, despite being a faceless silhouette. Her hair seemed to be flowing in the air and was the only splash of color amongst the black and white of the night sky and campus buildings behind her.

She flipped the page and was then looking at herself high up in a tree, her back against the trunk, one leg hanging over the branch, dangling dauntlessly. She didn’t have any features this time either and once again everything but her hair was in black and white. Her hair here was longer than in real life, though, and seemed to be caressing the tree. It felt joyous and carefree and happy.

In the third drawing she saw herself with a coffee cup hiding what would have been her mouth, if there had been drawn any, pink hair framing her non-face. In the background were black silhouettes of other people, either sitting at a table or standing in line. Trixie felt the same warmth looking at the drawing as she had when she was at the café with Katya.

The last one Trixie was a bit more hesitant with, turning the page slowly, almost bracing herself. She needn’t have been though. The drawing was beautiful, just like the rest of them. She was standing with her back against the wall, like she was now, the details of the bricks distinct around her, and less and less so the further away from her they were placed. She was looking up at a completely black sky and a feeling Trixie couldn’t quite put her finger on was ebbing of off the page.

These drawings, Trixie thought, felt a little like how she imagined it would be like to receive a love letter.

“These are amazing, Katya.” Trixie said and looked earnestly up at her.

“You think so?” Katya didn’t seem convinced.

“I love them. They’re so beautiful, and if your goal was to make the viewer feel, you’ve definitely succeeded.”

“Yeah?”

“For sure. Fuck, you’re so talented. These are so good.”

“Well, you made it a lot easier.”

Trixie felt herself blush. “Pretty sure it’s just your talent.”

“No, these would have been boring without you.”

Trixie shrugged and felt her herself smile wider as her heartrate picked up. “If you say so.”

“I do.”

 

Trixie had been staring around in their dark room for what felt like forever but realistically probably only was around five minutes before she turned over so her body was facing Adore’s bed.

“Adore?” She asked, quietly, tentatively.

She could hear shuffling and saw the silhouette of Adore turning over.

“Trixie?” She answered in a tone matching Trixie’s.

Trixie could feel her heart beating faster and faster. “Can I ask you something?”

“Yeah, of course.”

Trixie opened her mouth and closed it again. She took a deep breath, and even she could hear it was shaky, then tried again. She hadn’t known it could feel like it was physically impossible to say words until now.

“Take your time,” Adore told her.

Trixie wanted to crawl out of her own skin. She wanted to disappear from the face of earth. But more than anything, she wanted to be able to just fucking speak.

“How,” she started, her voice weak and quivery, “how… fuck.” She took another breath. “How did you, uh, you know, like, know you liked girls?”  

Adore was quiet for a moment, which Trixie knew meant she was thinking about her answer, which meant it would be a serious, thought-out answer, because most of the time Adore just blurted out the first thing that came to her mind.

After some consideration, she said “I think I always kind of knew. Or, well, there had always been signs, but I hadn’t known what they meant or even known to look for them. Like, I was never interested in any boys and my friends would always be nagging on me, asking who I thought was the cutest boy in our grade or which of the seniors I thought was hottest, and I never thought any of them was attractive so I would mostly just say whoever the majority thought was hottest at the moment. For a long time, I just thought that, like, I hadn’t met the right boy and that I was just a different kind of girl and stuff like that. But then I started really thinking about it, and in like junior year I really started to notice girls and I would go to football games and so on, but while most of my friends were crushing on the football players I was looking longingly at the cheerleaders. And then I thought back on my childhood where I had this really good friend. Like we would play with each other and we had this game where we would pretend we were different celebrities, both female celebrities, that for some reason were having an affair with each other and we would just make out. Also, like, when I was at sleepovers and so on, I always fantasized about cuddling and kissing with some of the other girls, but I just thought, that everyone thought that way. It wasn’t until then I put the pieces together and realized I might be gay.”

Trixie didn’t know what to say. She felt a bit like crying and a bit like laughing. She felt sweaty and hot but could also feel goosebumps all over her body. She felt nauseous and a little drunk. She felt like Adore had just taken a look into Trixie’s brain and told her what she found while digging around in there. Because Trixie hadn’t ever been interested in any boys, and Trixie had made up answers when asked who she liked because everyone else liked someone, and Trixie had also really admired the cheerleaders, but that had been because they were just really fascinating and could do incredible things with their bodies, and Trixie had also fantasized about waking up cuddling with that one girl when she was at sleepovers when she was little. Totally platonic, of course.

Only Trixie wasn’t gay, because Trixie couldn’t be gay. She really couldn’t be gay.

Oh God, it would be so much easier if Trixie wasn’t gay.

“Are you okay Trix?” Adore asked quietly from the other side of the room and Trixie realized she wasn’t okay, she really, really wasn’t okay, so she shook her head, which Adore probably wouldn’t be able to see in the dark.

It seemed she got the message anyway because only a few seconds later could Trixie hear Adore get out of bed and shuffle across their room. Her mattress dipped from Adore’s weight and then she felt Adore’s hands slowly combing through her hair.

“It’s okay.” Adore repeated softly over and over again, until the words lost all meaning. Trixie wasn’t sure if she believed her.

She didn’t know how long they stayed like that, but it must have been a long time, and she must have fallen asleep at some point, because when she opened her eyes again, Adore was back in her own bed and Trixie had no recollection of her getting up and leaving Trixie’s.

And all Trixie could think was _fuck_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please come harass me on tumblr, I'm @moonmemory


	9. words don't define us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the search bar she put in the words: gay test  
> Immediately she wanted to clear her search history, feeling wrong for even typing out that word. Gay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a sort of a chapter 8.5, because it didn't fit in with the rest of my actual chapter 9, but it felt like this would be the right place for it. The actual chapter 9 will be posted on sunday!  
> In regards to this chapter; when an answer is "crossed out" it's because Trixie chose that before choosing another one
> 
> Also, thank you so much for the amazing response to my last chapter!! It really means the world that you're enjoying my story <3

Trixie made sure the door was locked again. It was. Then she opened her phone to make sure she hadn’t gotten anything mixed up and reread Adore’s message.

 

**Adore** : yo, b and i are grabbing something to eat, will be home late

 

Trixie didn’t particularly like the late part, because it was so unspecific. Late could be ten pm or one in the morning, and she was none the wiser. But it was only seven, and late definitely wasn’t seven in the evening. She hoped.

With her heart beating faster and faster she sat down in bed, back against the cold wall. She tucked her legs beneath her and let her head rest against her palms, eyes closed and took a couple, deep, calming breaths.

Then she placed her laptop on her thighs, and opened it.

In the search bar she put in the words: _gay test_

Immediately she wanted to clear her search history, feeling wrong for even typing out that word. Gay.

It seemed to be screaming at her from behind the screen, and for a moment she had to close her eyes again, but it repapered in her mind the moment her eyes shut, so it didn’t do much of a difference.

It wasn’t a bad word, she told herself. She knew gay people who were nice and good and most importantly wasn’t defined only by that word. She knew Adore and Vanjie and Bianca, probably, and Nick. She also knew Katya, but she was bisexual. That word also didn’t define her.

She opened her eyes again and clicked on the first result. She read the first question.

 

_ As you’re taking this test, you’re probably unsure of your sexuality. What do you think you are? _

O bi-curious

O straight

O gay

O bisexual

 

Trixie stared at the question. Wasn’t that what the quiz was supposed to tell her? She didn’t know what to answer and thought it would be best for her to find another test. She clicked in on another, and another, and another, but all of them seemed to be made for men questioning their sexualities.

She tapped her nails against the keyboard and thought of just calling quits.

She wouldn’t. She couldn’t, if she was honest with herself. She had to know, and stupid as it was, this felt like it was the only way she might figure it out.

Words aren’t bad, she told herself again, but it felt like a lie as she typed in: _lesbian test_

She opened a test called Am I a Lesbian? and told herself that she would answer the questions no matter what. Just go with her gut-feeling and do her best. It would be fine. She would be fine. A word wouldn’t define her or her worth. She wouldn’t let it.

 

_ What do you currently identify as? _

O Straight

O Gay/lesbian

O Bisexual/pansexual

O Asexual

**X** Confused

 

_ Have you ever dated a guy? _

O No, and I don’t want to

O No, but I want to

**X** No, and I’m not sure if I’d like it or not

O Yes, but I didn’t to

O Yes, and I wanted to

 

_ If you have dated a guy, how did you feel about the relationship? _

O I really enjoyed it!

O It was alright

O I felt uncomfortable dating him, and it was his fault

O I felt uncomfortable dating him, but it wasn’t anything he did

**X** I haven’t dated a guy

 

_ Have you ever felt attracted to another girl? _

**X** Yes

O No

**~~X~~ ** ~~I’m not sure~~

 

_ Have you ever kissed another girl? _

O Yes, and I liked it

O Yes, but I didn’t like it

O Yes, but only on a dare

**X** No, but I’d want to

**~~X~~ ** ~~No, I wouldn’t want to~~

 

_ How do you feel when men hit on/show romantic interest in you? _

O I feel good

**~~X~~ ** ~~I feel flattered, but wouldn’t want for it to go anywhere~~

**X** I feel nervous and uncomfortable

O Men don’t really hit on me

 

_ How do you feel about marriage? _

**X** It’s nice; I want to get married one day

O It’s alright, but not for me

O Marriage is stupid, I don’t know why anyone would want to get married

 

_ True or false: women are better looking than men? _

**X** True

O False

 

_ Are your friends mostly boys or girls? _

O Mostly boys

O It’s pretty equal

**X** Mostly girls

 

_ Would you describe yourself as a tomboy?  _

O Yes

**X** No

O I don’t know

 

_ Imagine yourself in a long-term relationship with a man. How does it make you feel? _

O Good, happy

**X** Uncomfortable

**~~X~~ ** ~~Nothing~~

 

_ Have you ever gotten angry/sad/scared when a female friend of yours gets into a relationship? _

O Yes, and I don’t know why

O Yes, because the people she gets into relationships with are terrible

**X** No, not really

O I don’t have female friends

 

_ Do you enjoy looking at pretty women? _

**~~X~~ ** ~~Yes, because I want to look like them~~

**X** Yes, because they’re pretty

O Occasionally

O Not really

 

_ Do you enjoy looking at handsome men? _

O Yes

O Occasionally

O Not really

**X** Most men look the same to be honest

 

_ Do you ever feel like you pick random men to be attracted to? _

O Yes

O No

**X** Kind of

 

_ How you describe your taste in men? _

O Pretty good

**X** Eh

O Horrible

O Nonexistent

 

_ Have you ever wished to be a guy? _

O Yes, because they have easier lived

O Yes, because they get to date women

**X** Not really

 

_ Have you ever thought you would totally date a female friend of yours if she was male? _

O Yes

O No

**X** I don’t remember

 

_ Have you ever gotten butterflies when a female friend of yours told you they were into girls? _

**X** Yes

O No

**~~X~~ ** ~~I’m not sure~~

 

_ How do you feel about heterosexual romance in media? _

O I like it most time

**X** I like it, but it can get a bit boring

O I don’t like it

O It grosses me out

 

Trixie clicked on the result button and felt heat rise to her face as the page loaded.

 

_Congratulations! You’re probably a lesbian!_


	10. don't ask don't tell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (6) missed calls from Mom.  
> Trixie frowned at her phone. She couldn’t remember the last time her mom had called her once, let alone six times. She dialed back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here you have the actual chapter 9! I hope you'll like it! <3

Katya was reading aloud for a bunch of kids in the corner and Trixie tried to pretend the constant flowing of her voice didn’t make her feel a little more alive.

She wasn’t doing a very good job at that.

She kept smiling every time Katya paused to ask the kids a question relating to what they’d read, patiently waiting for their answers, or when she asked them if they could count the number of unicorns or tell her the color of the dragon.

Latrice was building a Lego zoo with Theo and Dana, who were constantly bickering about whether the giraffe and lion could live together or not, and, if so, whether they would be friends or be married. They settled on married and decided that the horse would be their child. Trixie caught Latrice’s eye who just gave a small shake of her head and a chuckle.

Trixie was currently trying her best to draw Laura a pink-haired princess with a polka dotted green and yellow dress fighting a troll. The troll didn’t look much like a troll, more resembling a dark green blob with arms, eyes and uneven teeth. Trixie tried her best though, and knew that most of the time the kids didn’t care too much about how the drawings turned out, more excited about getting to request the specifics of it than by the result.

Laura was talking animatedly with her meanwhile, bubbly and overexcited about everything. Trixie responded with the same enthusiasm, only pausing their conversation to ask about what she should do next on the drawing or to answer another kid’s question.

Trixie felt right in her element. She felt so much at home, with the soothing sounds of Katya reading aloud, the friendly bickering between the kids and Laura’s small hand on her arm as she drew her a rather awful drawing. She thought she could probably be happy living like this for the rest of her life.

The peace was broken when someone, maybe Lucy, called out “it’s snowing!”. In less than two seconds every single kid had their face pressed against the window screaming with glee.

“Can we go out? Please? Please, please, please, please!” Jamie asked, pulling softly on Trixie’s sleeve.

Trixie exchanged a look with Katya who shrugged, then looked over at Latrice who gave a slight nod.

“Okay –“ Trixie started but was interrupted by joyous squeals. She laughed and gave a slight shake of her head, following the kids who were happily running towards the wardrobes.

It was something of a nightmare getting all 16 kids into their snowsuits, boots and hats, and all three of them had to break up multiple fights between the kids, then console the ones who got upset before gently reminding them they were on their way outside and no it wasn’t enough to wear a raincoat when it was snowing. Why? Because it was too cold, and you might get sick, even if you think the raincoat is a lot prettier than the snowsuit.

Eventually they succeeded, and at that point Trixie was so hot all she wanted to do was go outside and stand naked in the snow to cool down. She looked over at Katya, and if Trixie thought she was hot it looked like Katya was boiling. She was dabbing away sweat from her forehead every few seconds and her head was redder than a tomato.

“You okay?” Trixie asked, because Katya looked rather uncomfortable.

“Just a bit hot, is all.” Katya said and shot Trixie a smile.

Trixie nodded. “Okay, just checking in.”

They went to get their coats and Trixie couldn’t stop a small screech escape her when Katya wrapped no less than four scarfs around her neck.

“I’m sorry, but why the fuck are you wearing _four_ scarfs?”

“Fashion!” Katya told her and struck a pose.

Trixie gave her a disbelieving look. “You wouldn’t know fashion if it slapped you in the face.”

“I’ll let you know that my mom thinks my fashion sense is great.”

“Yeah, your mom and no one else.”

“Shut up! You love my style.”

“That’s debatable.”

Katya slapped Trixie on the arm, laughing before marching out and calling out “who’s ready to go outside?” to the kids, who all excitedly yelled back “me, me, me!” and started running for the door.

The real reason why Katya was wearing four scarfs became evident after they had been outside for around twenty minutes and Dana walked up to Katya, took her hand and with big, sad eyes and said, “I’m cold.”

“Now we can’t have that, now can we Dana?” Katya asked and Dana shook her head. “You know what, if you promise to take really good care of it, I’ll lend you one of my scarfs.”

Dana’s eyes got even bigger as she nodded ferociously. “I’ll be really careful!” She promised.

“Which one of the scarfs do you want?”

“The yellow and orange one, please.”

“It’s very good you remembered the please Dana!” Katya remarked, making Dana look bashfully proud.

“Thank you, Katya.”

Katya carefully wrapped the scarf around Dana’s neck before sending her of again.

Trixie felt a pang in her heart as she watched the exchange. Katya was inherently such a good and caring person it was a little difficult for Trixie to wrap her head around.

“I see now that you have ulterior motives for your scarf-wearing that has nothing to do with fashion.” Trixie noted playfully once Dana had left them, proudly showing of the scarf to Lucy and Theo.

Katya shrugged, smiling. “You got me there.”

“You really can’t help but care about these kids, huh?”

“No, it’s quite impossible not to. Even though it’s a little morbid, I sometimes think I’d be ready to adopt some of them if their parents tragically died and just accept my fate as a mom.”

Trixie laughed. “You know what, so do I. Like, Lucy? She’s an actual angel.”

“Oh god, I know right? Her curls are the cutest. And the way she runs is adorable.”

“Oh yes! With her arms flapping behind her like this,” Trixie did a very accurate demonstration of Lucy running which made Katya laugh and Trixie smile widely. “I’d be willing to adopt Dana, too.”

“Me too. She’s so smart. And quick on her feet.” Katya said.

“She did a 48-piece puzzle, the one with the dinosaurs on it, all by herself the other day.”

“Did she really?”

“She did!”

Katya whistled. “That’s pretty impressive.”

“I know right? I kept telling her how clever she was, and she kept hiding her head in her arms. It was adorable.”

“She’s generally just adorable.”

“Yeah,” Trixie agreed.

“I’d probably adopt Theo, too.” Katya said.

“Me too. He gives the best hugs.”

“He really does.”

They were quiet for some time, gazing out at the kids.

Katya broke the silence. “Do you want kids of your own one day?”

Trixie didn’t have to think long about the answer. “Yeah, I think so. No definitely, yeah. You?”

“Maybe. I’m not sure.”

“Really? But you love being with the kids.”

“Well, yeah. But it’s a bit different when you have to be around them twenty-four-seven, I imagine.” Katya shrugged and focused her gaze on her feet. “I’m just scared it’d be too much or that I wouldn’t be a good parent or something like that.”

Trixie shook her head and reached out, gently gripping Katya’s upper arm. “You’d be an amazing parent, Katya.” She meant it with every bone in her body.

“I’m not saying I’ll never have kids. I mean, if I met the right person and they really wanted to have kids, I don’t think it’d be a deal breaker.” Katya gave Trixie a look and a somewhat shy smile, which Trixie didn’t quite get the meaning of but made her stomach drop none-the-less. “But I could also see myself not have any kids. So, yeah, maybe.”

Trixie thought for a moment. “I think that makes sense.”

“I like to think so, too.”

A content silence spread between them until Laura started crying and Trixie went of to figure out what had happened and then comfort her.

She had just put a plaster on the small wound on Laura’s hand when Latrice tapped her on the shoulder. “It’s time for your break.”

“Oh, okay. Thanks.” Trixie sent Latrice a grateful smile and gave Laura another hug before she stalked off to the breakroom.

No one was in there. Trixie poured herself a cup of coffee and then took her phone out of her bag.

_(6) missed calls from **Mom**._

Trixie frowned at her phone. She couldn’t remember the last time her mom had called her once, let alone six times. She dialed back.

“ _Trixie, honey, hi, thank God I reached you_ ,” her mom’s voice sounded frantic.

“Is everything okay mom?” Trixie hated how concerned she immediately felt.

“ _Oh, uh, well things ain’t a peach right now, that’s for sure_.”

“What’s wrong?” Trixie asked and started gnawing on her lip.

“ _It’s Dorothy. Gary just got of the phone with Chester, and it’s… It’s pretty bad_.”

“What’s wrong with Dorothy?” Trixie instantly felt less concerned than before, no matter how bad of a person that made her.

She had met Dorothy, Gary’s mom, maybe ten times and every time had been more unpleasant than the last one. She was bossy, supercilious and disliked Trixie as much as Gary did, always commenting on her looks or figure or clothes, belittling Trixie every chance she got and refusing to call her anything but Beatrice and managing to make it sound like the worst insult imaginable.

“ _She’s sick, Trixie, really sick. Gary is out of himself with sadness, I tell you. An absolute wreck. You should see him, honey._ ” Trixie was really grateful she couldn’t see him. “ _I think he’s destroyed four plates out of grief already, the poor guy_.” Of course he had. “ _I’ve never seen him like this before. It’s really quite upsetting, if I have to be honest. And Dorothy’s such a lovely woman, so I’m of course also quite upset. I’m keeping it together for Gary, though._ ”

“I’m sorry to hear that.” It was a lie, but for now it was better than the truth.

“ _So am I, so am I_.”

They were silent for a few moments.

“Is there anything else?”

“ _Oh yes, well, Gary would really like to spend Christmas with his parents and now Dorothy and Chester won’t be able to come to us, so we’re going to stay with them_.”

This is what Trixie wanted to say: But you just spent Thanksgiving there. Can’t Gary go alone? Then you and Nate and I can spend Christmas together, like we used to when I was a kid. Because I miss you mom. I really, really miss you.

She also wanted to say this: I don’t think I’ll be able to stay sane if I have to be in the same house as them for a week, because they hate me. And if they hated me before, they’ll hate me twice as much now because I don’t think I can keep on ignoring all their comments about me. Not anymore.

Instead, she said: “okay,” and blinked away the tears that had gathered in her eyes. “Should I rebook my flight ticket for Utah then?”

There was a quiet, breathy silence from her mom.

“ _That’s the thing_ ,” she finally said, and Trixie’s heart sunk, “ _Dorothy would prefer if it was just close family, says she’ll be too exhausted if there’s too many people around_.”

“Right.” Trixie said, and while she wanted it to sound venomous it sounded weak and hurt instead. “Okay.”

“ _I hope it’s not too much of a bother honey, but it’s just really important for Gary to be with his mom during this time, and it might be her last Christmas, you know_.”

“Yeah, no it’s fine.” It wasn’t fine.

“ _Doesn’t your school have some Christmas arrangement for those of you who can’t go home?_ ”

No mom, it’s not fucking Harry Potter. “Maybe. I’ll look into it.”

“ _Oh great honey. We’ll send you your gifts and we can have a chat on Christmas day yeah?_ ”

“Sure.”

“ _Okay great. Well I gotta run_.” Then she hung up. And then the tears started spilling from Trixie’s eyes. She didn’t want to cry, but there was no stopping it.

Trixie was fully aware when her break was over, but she couldn’t very well return to the playground while bawling her eyes out, so she stayed seated and buried her head in her hands for God knows how long.

At some point she heard a tentative “Trixie?” and wasn’t that surprised to know Katya had gone looking for her.

A few seconds later she could feel Katya wrap her arms around Trixie as if she was one of the kids who had gotten hurt and needed comforting. In a sense, she supposed she was.

“What’s wrong?”

Trixie shrugged. “My mom,” she said with a wobbling voice.

“What did she do?” Katya asked, and Trixie was surprised to hear, that she sounded angry. Katya didn’t get angry.

“Cancelled our Christmas plans.” Trixie tried to say it as if it wasn’t that big of a deal, but her tears betrayed her.

“She did what?” Katya’s grip around Trixie tensed. “She can’t do that.”

“Yeah, well, tell that to her.”

“Oh, I’d love to.”

Trixie smiled slightly despite herself.

The door opened again and Latrice’s booming voice asked, “What’s going on? Oh, Trixie, sweetie, are you alright?” and she sounded really concerned which did nothing to help better Trixie’s current state.

Katya answered for her. “Not really. She’s going home for today.”

“Okay, sure, yeah whatever she needs.” Latrice said, then walked over to give Trixie a pat on the back. “How’s she getting home? Not walking I hope.”

“I’ll call her roommate.”

“Okay, good. Take care of her and I’ll take care of the kids for now.”

Katya did call Trixie’s roommate quite a few times, before the phone was finally picked up.

“Bianca?” She asked, perplexed, and Trixie couldn’t hear the answer.

“I need to talk to Adore.”

“I don’t care if you’re busy, it’s important.”

“Tell her it’s about Trixie.”

“You know what, I don’t wanna talk to you anymore, give me Adore.”

“Her mom’s being a shit and I need you to come pick Trixie up at work.”

“Yes right now.”

“I don’t care if you’re two seconds from fucking her wits out, get dressed and come pick her up.”

Katya sighed. “Fine, sure. Just come get her.”

“Yeah, I’ll see you.”

Katya stayed with Trixie. Neither of them said anything, but Trixie really appreciated the company anyway. Especially because it was Katya.

Trixie stopped crying but the overwhelming sadness of being left behind didn’t leave her.

“They’re here now.” Katya said softly and untangled her arms from around Trixie before getting to her feet.

Trixie nodded. “Thank you.”

“Of course.” Katya said and helped Trixie get to her feet.

They tried to get Trixie out of the kindergarten without any of the kids noticing. This, of course, was not possible.

“Why are you leaving already, Trixie?” Lucy asked and looked really sad at the thought of Trixie going home.

“I’m having a really bad stomach ache.” Trixie told her and sent her a weak smile. It wasn’t technically a lie.

“Oh no. Is your mom coming to get you then? Did Katya call your mom?” The mention of her mom hurt more than Trixie was willing to admit. She tried to hide it.

“No, but my very good friend is.”

“Did Katya call her?” Lucy looked at her curiously.

“She did in fact.”

She nodded. “What’s her name?”

“Adore.”

“Wow, I didn’t know that was a name!” Lucy looked really excited at prospect of having discovered a new name.

“Neither did I until I met her.”

“That’s cool. See you tomorrow Trixie!” Lucy said before proceeding to hug her legs and give her stomach a little kiss. “I hope your stomach stops hurting.”

Trixie smiled fondly at her. “Thanks Lucy.”

Katya tugged gently on Trixie’s hand, pulling her towards Adore’s car.

“Hey bitch.” Adore said as Katya opened the door for Trixie.

“Hey, thanks for coming.”

“Yeah, sure. What are friends for and all that shit.”

Trixie sent her a grateful smile. “I mean it.”

“I know.”

“Get her home safely,” Katya ordered Adore.

“Yes ma’am!” Adore answered and did a two-fingered salute.

Katya turned her gaze on Trixie. “I’m coming over when my shift ends.”

“Okay,” Trixie said.

“Okay,” Katya echoed. Then she leaned over, kissed Trixie’s forehead so gently Trixie almost thought she only imagined it. “I love you,” Katya said, and looked Trixie in the eyes.

Without thinking about it, Trixie said, “I love you, too.” It was easy to say, not difficult at all, and Trixie felt a little lighter, as if the truth of it being unsaid had been weighing her down. Maybe it had.

Trixie caught Adore’s pointed look when Katya had left them and appreciated that she didn’t say anything about it for the time being. She appreciated even more that Adore had actually put on Dolly Parton in an attempt to cheer Trixie up.

Trixie didn’t listen much to Dolly though, because for the entire ride home Katya’s I love you was repeating itself over and over in her mind, as if they were the only words to have ever existed. Maybe they were.

 

Trixie didn’t get long to live in the glory of Katya’s I love you, because as soon as the door had closed to Trixie and Adore’s room, Adore gave Trixie a really sad look as she put their purple kettle on, and Trixie was reminded of what had happened and felt her whole body deflate.

She sat down and watched on as Adore quietly made her tea, holding up different ones for Trixie to approve and disapprove of, settling on chamomile, one leg bouncing up and down.

“So,” Adore said as she handed Trixie the steaming cup of tea, “do you want to talk about what happened with your mom? Katya’s insights to the situation wasn’t really that helpful.”

“She cancelled Christmas,” Trixie said, defeated, and let the hot tea rest against her cheek for a moment before blowing on it.

“What?” Adore looked confused. “What do you mean?”

“Uh, well, my stepdad’s mom has apparently gotten too sick to travel so they’re going to them to spend Christmas.”

“Okay?” Adore looked confused.

“And I’m not invited.”

“Oh.” Adore’s face fell. “Fuck, I’m really sorry.”

“It’s fine. Well it’s not fine, it is what it is, but Dorothy and Chester are horrible towards me anyways. So, you know. Could be worse.” Trixie shrugged.

Adore looked really unsure of herself, she kept moving her arms around and shifting her gaze. Finally she sat down next to Trixie.

“Do you want to talk about that?”

“Not really,” Trixie said and averted her gaze.

“You sure? I don’t mind listening and shit.”

Trixie shrugged. “They’re just really belittling and condescending. Really old-fashioned, but in the wrong way. Always going on about how I need to change myself, because no boy will want me the way that I am, that I’m too loud and too big and just too much. Telling me it’s no wonder I don’t have a boyfriend with the way that I look and act and so on.”

“I’m sorry. They don’t deserve you. They’re big fucking cunts.”

“That we can agree on.”

“Good.” Adore sent her a half smile. “It also makes sense now.”

Trixie gave Adore a confused look. “What makes sense?”

“Why you had such a hard time accepting your gayness.”

Trixie shifted uncomfortably. While she had realized that she might be non-platonically in to girls, she still hadn’t decided a hundred percent how she felt about that, so at the moment it was a bit of a sore subject.

Adore seemed to sense her discomfort. “What are you going to do then? For Christmas, I mean.”

Trixie shrugged. “Dunno. I’ll figure something out.”

Adore opened her mouth to say something else but was interrupted by Trixie’s phone ringing.

 **_Jonathan_ ** _is calling._

She picked it up, and felt tears pricking in her eyes just by looking at Nate’s name.

“Hello?” Trixie asked softly into the phone.

“ _Have you talked with mom yet?_ ” Nate sounded furious.

“Yeah, half an hour ago or so.”

“ _What are you going to do?_ ”

“I don’t know. You?”

“ _I’m not sure. I don’t really want to go to Utah if I’m honest._ ”

“What do you mean?” Trixie felt herself go rigid.

“ _I’m really not sure how I can clarify that sentence sis. I don’t think I wanna go to fucking Utah._ ”

“No, I mean what do you mean go to Utah? We’re not invited?”

“ _What are you on about? Mom asked if I could rebook my flight._ ”

Trixie didn’t answer. She also didn’t cry, which she felt was a felt was a victory in itself. Adore wrapped an arm around her middle none the less and leaned her head against Trixie’s shoulder.

“ _Trixie?_ ” Jonathan asked quietly and for a moment he sounded almost dangerous.

“Yeah?” Trixie mumbled.

“ _Are you not invited?_ ”

She shook her head before remembering he couldn’t see her and then said, “no,” so quietly it almost wasn’t a sound.

“ _I swear to fucking God_ ,” Nate fumed and then swore a whole lot more. “ _I’m gonna call her right now. She can’t fucking do this shit._ ”

“Please don’t,” Trixie muttered.

“ _I will. This is not right. Oh my God I cannot believe she is letting this happen, oh my fucking God_.”

“Nate, it’ll only make things worse.”

“ _Do you think I give a fuck? She can’t treat you like this Trix, you’re her daughter_.”

“It’s fine, I’ll figure something out.” Trixie didn’t sound very convincing.

“ _It’s not fine. Fuck. Fuck her!_ ” Nate said, and the words felt poisonous.

Trixie didn’t exactly disagree, but didn’t have it in her to agree either, so she stayed quiet.

“ _I’m obviously not going_.” Nate said after it had become clear she wasn’t going to say anything on the matter at the moment. “ _Frances invited me to spend Christmas with her, and you know what? I think I’ll go. Then mom and Gary can have a wonderful Christmas in Utah and mom can think a little about how it is spending it without either of her kids. Fuck her!_ ”

Trixie still didn’t say anything, but felt her stomach drop even more, because now the possibility of spending Christmas just her and Jonathan had also disappeared, and she felt truly alone.

“ _I’ll tell Frances that you’re coming too. I’m sure her family won’t mind_.” He sounded confident of the fact. Trixie didn’t share that confidence.

“No, don’t, it’s fine. I’ll do something else. I think some of my friends are staying too, actually, so I’ll just do something with them.” She didn’t think anything of the sort, but she didn’t want to impose, and she wanted even less for Nate to feel obligated to spend time with her and have her tag along when he just wanted to spend time alone with his girlfriend.

“ _Are you just saying that to get me of your back_?” Nate asked, and Trixie could imagine his exact facial expression.

“No, I’m not stupid. I’m obviously not gonna spend Christmas alone.” Trixie was a good liar.

“ _You sure?_ ”

“Yes, dumbass.”

“ _Alright_. _The offer still stands though. Call me if anything changes_.”

“I will.”

“ _Good. I love you_.”

“I love you too.”

“ _Bye_.”

“See ya.”

Adore gave her a squeeze once the phone call was over.

“Your brother?” She asked, and Trixie nodded as an answer. “You okay?” Trixie nodded again. “Good.”

They sat in comfortable silence for a while. Trixie wasn’t sure what to say and her mind was going a thousand miles an hour. She didn’t want to spend Christmas alone. God, that was probably the saddest thing anyone could do. But there wasn’t anywhere for her to go, not with anyone else, at least. Maybe she should just say fuck it and go on a cruise or something. Only she knew she’d feel guilty about all the money she’d have spent on the trip and not enjoy it at all.

She could go to New York, maybe. It wasn’t that far away and she could probably find a cheap ass motel to stay at, do some sightseeing. But sightseeing wasn’t that much fun, not alone anyway, and Trixie was pretty sure she would feel lonely as fuck.

She should probably just call Nate back, say she’d changed her mind and that she’d love to spend Christmas with him and Frances, even if she would still feel lonely, just a different kind of lonely.

“Hey,” Adore said, and broke the silence as well as Trixie’s spiraling thoughts, “which friends were you talking about?”

Trixie looked away, hoping to hide her face. “What do you mean?”

“Which friends are staying? Because as far as I know everyone is going home. Do you have some friends I don’t know about?”

Trixie shrugged and hummed noncommittedly.

“That’s what I thought. I could ask my mom if you could come home with me, if you want?”

“No, don’t. I know how much you’ve been looking forward to spending some time alone with your mom. I don’t want to intrude.”

“You wouldn’t bitch,” Adore insisted, but Trixie shook her head.

“It’s fine. Can we talk about something else?”

“Sure, but just say the word and I’ll call her.” Trixie nodded.  “What do you wanna talk about?”

A sly smile spread on Trixie’s face. “Maybe the fact that you apparently were only two seconds from fucking out Bianca’s wits earlier?”

Adore’s cheeks turned red, but a huge smile overtook herself and she looked really smug. “Yeah, what about it?”

“Are you, like, a thing now or whatever?”

“I don’t know,” Adore said and let herself fall down on Trixie’s bed, looking up at her through her lashes, “we haven’t really talked about it.”

“But you want to be?”

“I thought that was fucking obvious.”

It was. “It is.”

“I don’t know though, I’m afraid I’ll fucking scare her away or some shit if I talk to her about it, so I’m just kinda waiting for her to bring it up.”

Trixie placed her now cold tea on the floor, before tucking her legs beneath herself. “Yeah, no I get that.” Trixie really wasn’t the one you should ask for relationship advice. “Maybe drop hints?”

“Oh bitch, I have!”

“Hmm. Then I don’t know.”

Adore sighed. “Me neither.”

Her face suddenly lit up. “Fuck, can we please talk about the fact that you and Katya apparently _love_ each other?” Her eyes gleamed dangerously, and she looked utterly satisfied with herself.

“What’s there to talk about?” Trixie asked innocently. Adore raised an eyebrow. Trixie mimicked her.

“Are you really that dim?”

“Do you wanna watch a movie?” Trixie asked instead of answering Adore’s question.

Adore kept on staring at her for some time before surrendering and giving in. They watched Tangled per Trixie’s request, and Trixie found herself quietly humming along to all of the songs.

The movie was almost over when the door to Trixie and Adore’s room was violently opened, no knock or verbal warning, and Katya came barging in.

“You!” She said, and pointed at Trixie, “you’re spending Christmas with me.”

Trixie paused the movie. “I am?” She asked, utterly confused.

“Yes! I talked to my mom in the way home and we’ve already booked you a ticket for the train.”

Trixie blinked a few times. “You have?”

“We sure have Barbara.” Katya said and sent her an enormous grin.

Trixie felt herself smile back, still not really comprehending the situation. “It’s not too much trouble?”

“Obviously not,” Katya told her.

“You sure?”

“Duh.”

“Just go with her, fuck,” Adore muttered and rolled her eyes.

“Alright?” Trixie said, still somewhat unsure.

“Really?” Katya asked. “I thought it was going to take a lot more convincing. I have a lot of good arguments lined up.

“I bet you do.”

“What are you watching?” Katya asked and gestured for Trixie to move to make space for her.

“Tangled. The best Disney movie ever made.”

“Excuse me, have you watched Atlantis: The Lost Empire?” Katya challenged.

“I have in fact, and I stand by my choice.”

“Objection!” Katya called out. “We need a sensible opinion. Adore?”

“First of all,” Adore started, “I’m offended you think of me as sensible. Secondly, you’re both wrong. Obviously, it’s Mulan.”

“Yeah, that’s really good,” Katya agreed. “Still no Atlantis.”

“Everyone else is going to agree with me. Mulan is objectively the best Disney movie.”

“It’s not though,” Trixie remarked.

“Watch,” Adore said as she got out her phone.

 

** ice ice baby **

**hopefully a teletubby** : quick what’s the best disney movie?

 **Vanjie** : hercules

 **blue?** : lilo & sticth

 **Trixie** : is that because of the blue alien?

 **Trixie** : also tangled, fight me

 **blue?** : when are you gonna let that go?? it's been MONTHS

 **Trixie** : never :)

 **Courtney** : obvi aristocats

 **Vanjie** : ohh i'd forgotten about that one!!

 **Katya Kahlo** : you’re all wrong it’s atlantis: the lost empire

 **Vanjie** : what are you on? it’s not???

 **Vanjie** : it’s not even that good?

 **Katya Kahlo** : sorry we can’t be friends anymore

 **Vanjie** : :(

 **Bianca del Meano** : it’s mulan

 **hopefully a teletubby** : bianca you’re the only valid person in the chat

 **Bianca del Meano** : tell me something i don’t know

 **hopefully a teletubby** : gladly ;)

 **Courtney** : ew stop flirting in the gc

 **Bianca del Meano** : no

 **Courtney** : oh well, i tried

 **blue?** : thank you for your service

 **_hopefully a teletubby_ ** _changed the name of the group to **mulan is best**_

 **Bianca del Meano** : finally a groupname i can get behind

 **hopefully a teletubby** : are you in your dorm?

 **Vanjie** : i am <3

 **hopefully a teletubby** : no b

 **Vanjie** : you don’t appreciate me enough :(

 **hopefully a teletubby** : don’t think you wanna be appreciated in this way

 **Vanjie** : that’s what you think ;)

 **Bianca del Meano** : back the fuck up v

 **Bianca del Meano** : also yes

 **Bianca del Meano** : but i don’t know when katya will be back

 **Katya Kahlo** : not soon i believe from the look adore’s giving me

 **Bianca del Meano** : good, you owe us

 **Katya Kahlo** : i'll just stay with trix

 **hopefully a teletubby** : you better

 **hopefully a teletubby** : also omw b!!

 **blue?** : fucking lesbians

 **Bianca del Meano** : that’s the plan

 

Adore left their room rather in a hurry, leaving Trixie and Katya behind with a goodbye muffled by the door smacking shut.

“Do you wanna finish the movie?” Katya asked.

“Yeah, you’re catching the best part, you know.”

“What’s the best part?” Katya looked at her, curiously.

“The part where she reunites with her parents. Always makes me cry.” Trixie smiled softly.

“That’s a good choice.”

“I know,” Trixie said and started the movie.

Trixie did cry, a lot, Katya only a little. Then they watched Brother Bear, ordered Chinese and both bawled their eyes out by the end.

Adore texted Trixie if she and Katya could swap rooms for the night. Trixie showed Katya the text and texted back affirmatively at Katya’s nod.

Trixie got out her guitar and played some songs for Katya, who listened with a small smile and closed eyes.

“Can you bring it with you for Christmas?”

“What, the guitar?” Katya nodded. “Uh, sure.”

“My parents are going to love you.”

“I hope so,” Trixie said and started strumming the beginning of a new song.

“They will.”

They decided to remove both mattresses from the beds and push them together on the floor.

They lay face to face and Trixie could feel her heartbeat vibrating through her entire body.

“Thank you,” she whispered.

“What for?” Katya asked.

It was a good question. “Everything, I guess. Helping me. Taking care of me when I was a literal wreck. For caring.” Trixie rolled onto her back. “For being you.”

“Can’t really help it,” Katya said and laughed quietly.

“I guess not.” Trixie smiled softly. “I just want you to know how much it means to me. I mean, I- you… Uh, yeah.” Trixie looked sideways and caught Katya’s eyes. Somehow repeating the I love you was harder now, but Trixie tried to convey it through her eyes, hoping Katya would catch the meaning of it without her having to use actual words.

“I know,” Katya said and reached for Trixie’s hand, giving it a squeeze.

If they didn’t let go until next morning, no one needed to know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you wanna say hi i'm @moonmemory on tumblr. don't be shy!


	11. back in my body

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trixie’s eyes were close to falling out of her head as she took in the room. One wall was almost entirely covered by sketches and drawings of girls in some state of undressed and a huge painting of a naked girl with her back turned, long hair reaching the top of her ass hung above Katya’s queen-sized bed.   
> “Oh wow,” Trixie said before she burst out laughing. “Did you actually make all of these yourself?”  
> “You bet I did. I was really sexually frustrated in high school, as you can probably see.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A new chapter!! This is much more Katya-centric than the other chapters have been, so get yourself ready for that ride! As always, I hope you enjoy and I can't tell you all enough how much it means to me to hear you lovely response to my story  
> Also: the star (*) indicates a new day starting

Katya was walking determinedly towards the door, almost skipping a little. Trixie felt like her heart was in her throat. The reality of the situation was only hitting her properly right now. For the first time ever she was going to spend her Christmas away from home, with someone who wasn’t her mom or Nate, two of whom she hadn’t even met yet and she was suddenly deadly nervous they wouldn’t like her. But then Katya turned around and she looked so happy as she asked, “you coming, Trix?” that Trixie just nodded and smiled back.

Then they found themselves at the door, and Trixie wondered if they should knock when Katya threw it open and yelled “we’re home!” so loudly Trixie was glad she stood behind her and not next to her.

A small, slim woman appeared with a grin on her face that matched Katya’s and exclaimed “Yekatarina!” before pulling her daughter into a hug.

They hugged for a long time and Trixie probably should have felt a little awkward, but she didn’t. She felt reassured, for some reason, to know that Katya had grown up in a home where this was the welcome you got when you visited.

“You must be Trixie,” she said as she pulled away from Katya and turned her gaze on Trixie.

“Yes, nice to meet you,” Trixie said and stuck her hand out.

“Oh none of that, come here,” she said and pulled Trixie into a warm embrace. Trixie was a little surprised at the sudden contact, but felt herself relax into the hug after a few seconds.

“Thank you so much for letting me spend Christmas here, Mrs. Zamolodchikova, it really means the world to me” Trixie said earnestly, before slowly letting go of her.

“Please, call me Tanya, otherwise I’ll just feel old.” She laughed.  “And it’s all good! Aleksei and I really wanted to meet after all the good things Katarina has told us about you, so this worked out just perfect.”

Trixie shot Katya as glance, but Katya just shrugged and looked a little sheepish.

“Still, it really means a lot.”

“It’s no bother, love. Do you need any help with your bags?” Tanya asked.

“No, we’ve got it covered, thanks mom.” Katya said. “Where’s Da?”

“He had to run to the store, we were out of milk.”

“Okay. I’ll show Trixie our room and then we’ll meet you in the living room?” Katya looked at her mom with questioning eyes.

“Take your time,” Tanya said and then stepped to the side to make room for Trixie and Katya to pass her.

“This way,” Katya said and she was grinning again. “Also, please don’t judge my room too much. I redecorated before figuring out I was into girls too, but it’s painfully obvious.”

Trixie couldn’t help but look over her shoulder at Tanya, waiting for some sort of negative reaction to the casual statement of Katya not being straight, but it didn’t come. Trixie could feel some tension she hadn’t noticed until then leave her body.

“I make no promises,” Trixie told her gleefully.

Trixie’s eyes were close to falling out of her head as she took in the room. One wall was almost entirely covered by sketches and drawings of girls in some state of undressed and a huge painting of a naked girl with her back turned, long hair reaching the top of her ass hung above Katya’s queen-sized bed.  

“Oh wow,” Trixie said before she burst out laughing. “Did you actually make all of these yourself?”

“You bet I did. I was really sexually frustrated in high school, as you can probably see.”

“Yeah that’s no secret. And you didn’t know you were into girls?” Trixie asked.

“No, though I was beginning to suspect it. I just thought half-naked girls were really neat to draw. All platonically, of course.”

“They are pretty neat, to be fair. The drawings, I mean. Not uh- yeah, they’re good drawings,” Trixie said, blushing, and then turned around to take in the rest of the room.

There was a small desk which’s surface was entirely covered by unfinished sketches, pencils, a couple of books and all sorts of weird knickknacks. Nest to the door there stood a bookshelf Trixie feared would break at any point due to the sheer number of books it was carrying. The room was lit up by a chandelier that looked to belong in a creepy Victorian mansion and several rugs in different patterns were spread around the floor in what looked to be a careless way, but Trixie was sure there had been plenty of thought behind. A dresser stood next to Katya’s bed and Trixie had the sudden impulse to open it and see if Katya had kept the clothes from when she lived at home, to see if her sense of style had been as outrageously weird then as it was now.

The room felt like Katya and Trixie felt right at home.

“I love it,” Trixie told Katya earnestly, turning around to face her.

“Yeah?” Katya asked.

“Definitely.”

“Well, I sure am happy it’s got your seal of approval.”

“You should be, that one’s hard to get. Especially for the lack of pink in the room.”

“We can fix that, easily.” Katya said it all casually and it made Trixie’s heart beat a little faster.

The mystery of what kind of clothes Katya had in her closet didn’t stay a mystery for long, because Katya threw it open to clear out one of the shelves for Trixie to put the clothes she had brought with her on. It was probably the most disorganized closet Trixie had ever seen, and Katya’s idea of clearing out a shelf consisted of her grabbing a heap of clothes and stuffing it wherever there was space for it. The clothes itself seemed to be pretty reminiscent of the kind of clothes Katya wore now, just slightly less strange.

Katya then gave her a tour of the house and with each room she was shown it became clearer and clearer to Trixie where Katya’s love for questionable patterns had originated from.

Katya’s dad returned home with two gallons of milk while Katya was opening every cabinet in the kitchen to show Trixie their contents. Trixie had pretty quickly given up on trying to remember what was in which cabinet, but she was content just watching Katya name the different kitchen supplies.

Katya’s dad handed Tanya the milk as soon as he spotted the two of them and in a few long strides had Katya in a heartfelt embrace.

“Kitty Kat! My girl, how are you? Did the trip go well? How were your midterms? Oh, you need to tell me about that drawing thing you did, it was with Trixie, right? Did your teacher like them? You got an A, didn’t you? If you didn’t there must be something wrong with your teacher’s eyes, because I know how talented you are. You must remember though, that your grades don’t define you, you need to keep that in mind.”

Katya didn’t get the chance to respond before he turned to pull Trixie in. Katya’s family was definitely the hugging kind of family, Trixie noted.

“Ah, you must be Trixie! Katya has told us so much about you, all good things I assure you. You’ve really gotten her to come out of shell this year, so thank you so much.” Trixie couldn’t imagine Katya had ever been in any kind shell, what with all of that energy and joy and carefreeness that seemed to radiate of off her.

“Uh, you’re welcome?” Trixie answered slightly uncertain, but with a huge smile on her face.

Tanya and Aleksei threw them out of the kitchen not long after to cook dinner and as Trixie watched them from the living room, goofing around and humming Russian songs, she decided that this was the kind of marriage she wanted to have one day.

They finished eating dinner in about thirty minutes but stayed seated at the dining table for almost two hours, just talking. Trixie felt a warm feeling spread through her as she watched Katya interact with her parents. They seemed totally comfortable around each other and it was so different from the family dinners she had gotten used to in Wisconsin. They made sure to include Trixie in their conversation, asking her opinion or explaining who each person they talked about were. They were funny too, their humor almost the exact same as Katya’s, and Trixie’s face almost hurt from smiling so much.

Trixie offered to do the washing up but was turned away with a “Nonsense! You girls must be dead tired, why don’t you just hop off to bed?”, so, after a little convincing, that’s what they did.

“Can I ask you something?” Trixie asked when she lay face to face with Katya.

“Fire away.”

“What did your dad mean when he said I’ve brought you out of your shell?”

Katya didn’t look away, but Trixie could see her eyes weren’t focusing on Trixie’s anymore. “Just, he and mom had been a bit worried that I pretty much only had three and half friends until I met you. You just sort of just decided to let me part of your friend group and made me socialize more and so on.”

Trixie blinked a couple of times. “Really?”

Katya mouth quirked in a funny way. “Well, yeah. If I’m honest I wasn’t really that good at making friends my first two years. I made friends with Bianca, thankfully, and Jinkx and Sasha, and I started hanging out a little with Kip my second year, you remember Kip, right? From the Halloween party? But, yeah, I got comfortable with just being around them and didn’t really seek out other people, because they were safe and I trusted them, and I tricked myself into thinking that I didn’t actually want to meet other people.”

Trixie scrunched her face up, confused. “And I changed that?”

“Well. Yeah. You know, I remember meeting you your first day in the kindergarten to give you the tour, and I just liked you _so much_ right away. You were so kind and attentive and funny. Oh my God you were so funny. I just really wanted to be your friend, and it made me realize how much I’d kind of isolated myself from meeting new people and making friends. I’m really not sure where I would have been if you hadn’t invited me to that movie night to get Bianca and Adore together.”

Trixie raised her eyebrows. “What do you mean? I invited you because I wanted to get to know you better, not out of some obligation to, like, get Adore laid or something.”

“Just that, uh, well, we were mostly work friends at that point, so it wouldn’t have been weird if it had just stayed like that. I mean, I obviously wanted to be actual friends with you, but it always seemed like you had a bunch of friends already and that you were always really busy having fun, so I didn’t think you’d want to be more than work friends with me.”

Trixie laughed and rolled her eyes affectionately. “Oh my God, you’re so stupid sometimes. Of course I wanted to be actual friends with you.”

“Yeah?”

“You were the most fascinating person I’d ever met. You still are, if I’m honest.”

Katya’s features melted into something softer. “Really?”

Trixie nodded and it suddenly felt like someone had sucked all the air out of the room.

“You are, too,” Katya whispered, voice barely audible.

For a second Katya’s gaze flickered to Trixie’s mouth and Trixie found herself swallowing, not daring to break eye contact with Katya. Katya took shaky breath and started moving slightly. The movement sent Trixie into a sudden state of panic and she said, “I need to pee,” so quickly it sounded like one, long word. She was out of the bed in seconds and thought she heard Katya mutter fuck, but it could just have been her imagination playing a trick on her.

 

*

 

When Trixie woke up next morning the space in the bed next to her was empty. She wasn’t really surprised, she knew Katya was an early riser, but something that felt a lot like disappointment still settled deep in her stomach.

She rolled out of bed not long after and trotted sleepily around the house in a search for Katya. She found her in the kitchen, a cup of coffee in hand.

“Morning sleepyhead,” Katya greeted.

“Morning,” Trixie replied and reached for Katya’s coffee. “Ugh,” she made a face before handing the cup back, “your coffee is so bitter, I really don’t understand how you can drink it like that.”

“That’s how it’s supposed to taste Barbara.”

“I highly doubt that.” Trixie said and sent the coffee a suspicious look.

“It’s just because you’ve gotten used to ruining yours with all kinds of sweet, sticky stuff.”

“Yeah, to make it taste less like the liquid form of garbage.”

Katya laughed and shook her head. “Do you want anything to eat?” She asked, apparently giving up on the coffee discussion, which Trixie counted as a win for her.

“That would be great, thanks.”

Katya put her cup down on the counter and opened the fridge. “I don’t know what you want, we have a bunch of different stuff. My mom went a little overboard with the shopping.” Katya laughed.

Trixie moved up behind her to take a look. The fridge was overstuffed with all kinds of food and it looked really chaotic, no system behind where the food was put.

“Maybe some eggs?” She suggested. It seemed like the safest choice in the moment.

Katya nodded, grabbed the eggs and turned around, which made Trixie realize how close the two of them were standing. For a moment Trixie forgot how to think properly and stood and stared stupidly at Katya, before coming back to her senses, taking a step back to let Katya through.

The same kind of tension Trixie had felt yesterday right before she’d run off seemed to have returned and Trixie didn’t know how to deal with it nor how to break it.

Katya did it for her, when she put on a fake Italian accent and with as many hand gestures one could make while holding eggs, said “Ahh si, eggs! Si, si, great choice, eggs are very good, si, you can do much good cooking with eggs!”

Trixie snorted. “Oh my God you are so stupid.”

“Ah si, is like my nonna always said, Francesca, you very stupid. But eggs, eggs very smart.” Katya tapped her finger to her forehead and then the both of them were laughing.

Katya scrambled some eggs for the both of them despite the fact that she had already eaten breakfast, and Trixie was pleasantly surprised at how good they were.

They considered going out to town, but decided they’d do that tomorrow and just stay at home for the day.

They both stayed in their pajamas all day and did as little moving around as possible. They watched the first two Home Alone movies, both agreeing they were Christmas classics and probably the best way to really get into the Christmas spirit, which Trixie insisted was essential for a proper Christmas. When they had watched the second movie, including all of the credits where they made a game of finding the most ridiculous names, Trixie got out her guitar and together they made up new lyrics for the few Christmas songs Trixie knew how to play. Katya really couldn’t carry a tune to save her life, but her off-key singing added something extra to the songs and neither of them could stop smiling. Trixie was sitting with her feet in Katya’s lap, a guitar in her own, and the two of them were laughing their way through an R-rated version of All I want for Christmas is you when Katya’s parents got home. Tanya snapped a picture of the two of them, claiming they looked too happy for it to not be captured.

Not long after Aleksei declared that the time had come for them to bake their first family cookie batter and the dinner table was soon filled with cookies in all sorts of shapes and Trixie’s hands were greasy and she was pretty sure her hair was at least three shades lighter than usually due to the amount of flour that had ended up in it. It turned out Trixie was pretty decent at decorating Christmas cookies. She wasn’t anywhere near the other’s level, but she reasoned they had been doing it for at least all of Katya’s life, so they had quite some experience in the cookie-decorating field. At one point Trixie suggested they decorated some of the cookies as their friends, which Katya gleefully agreed to, before finding the seven least deformed human-shaped cookies.

It wasn’t easy being two people decorating one cookie, but they got the hang of it rather quickly. The first one, the one supposed to be Bianca, didn’t turn out too good, which was unfortunate for the two of them, because they were pretty sure Bianca would have a cutting remark ready when she took in the state of her cookie. The other’s turned out surprisingly good and they had a fit of laughter when they made Alaska’s and painted it blue.

 

** mulan is best **

**_Katya Kahlo_ ** _sent a picture of seven cookies_

**Katya Kahlo** : look what we’ve made!

**hopefully a teletubby** : omg is that us??!

**Katya Kahlo** : it is indeed

**hopefully a teletubby** : fuck this is the cutest shit ever

**Courtney** : omg now i miss you fuckers even more :(

**Trixie** : we miss you too court

**Bianca del Meano** : i can see you’ve finally managed to make my exterior match my interior lol

**Katya Kahlo** : yeah it was real hard hope you appreciate the effort

**Bianca del Meano** : i mean i’ve always wanted to be the ugliest cookie so this is really a dream come true

**Katya Kahlo** : you’re so very welcome and merry christmas

**Courtney** : i don’t think you’ve ever looked better b

**Bianca del Meano** : fuck you too courtney

**blue?** : have i told you shits that i hate you lately?

**Courtney** : you told me yesterday

**blue?** : yeah but i tell you every day, we live together

**Courtney** : that’s true

**Courtney** : it’s really hard hearing that every day tbh

**blue?** : well somebody has to tell you

**blue?** : i just thought better me than some stranger

**Courtney** : you really are the worst huh

**Trixie** : laska we were just matching the cookie with your name 0:)

**blue?** : my name??

**Trixie** : blue?

**blue?** : wait wait wait hold up

**blue?** : that’s still my fucking name in this goddamned gc?

**Courtney** : oh you bet sweaty :)

**blue?** : fuck all of you

**_blue?_ ** _changed **blue?** ’s nickname to **Alaska**_

**Trixie** : no

**_Trixie_ ** _changed **Alaska** ’s nickname to **blue?**_

**blue?** : omg let a woman live

**_blue?_ ** _changed **blue?** ’s nickname to **Alaska**_

**_Bianca del Meano_** _changed **blue?** ’s nickname to **A difficult bitch**_

**A difficult bitch** : I’ll take it

**Vanjie** : omg you guys made cookies!!

**Vanjie** : that’s the cutest shit ever

**Katya Kahlo** : thank you for appreciating our efforts unlike some *cough* alaska *cough* people

**Vanjie** : she just doesn’t know true art

**Katya Kahlo** : lol that we can agree on

**A difficult bitch** : y’all know that i’m still here right?

**Vanjie** : yeah, we don’t talk behind people’s backs, we’re not total savages bitch

**A difficult bitch** : fine, just making sure

**hopefully a teletubby** : i hope you don’t plan on eating my cookie

**Trixie** : why?

**hopefully a teletubby** : cuz no one but bianca’s allowed to eat me :)

**Courtney** : you are disgusting oh my god

**Vanjie** : ahahahaha

**Bianca del Meano** : you’re disgusting courtney

**Trixie** : i regret ever asking

**Trixie** : i should have known better

**A difficult bitch** : you really should have

 

Instead of making dinner that evening they ordered in and watched The Polar Express because Trixie hadn’t seen it, which everyone thought was absolutely scandalous.

While Trixie enjoyed the movie, she enjoyed the joined commentary from Katya and her parents even more. She had to stifle a laugh when all of them started going “oh oh oh!” and slapping their thighs, or in Katya’s case, Trixie’s arm, before something exciting was about to happen. They ate the cookies once they’d finished dinner, and Katya took a picture of Trixie eating Adore’s cookie and sent it in the group chat, which caused Adore to be in absolute outrage and claim she’d file a lawsuit and for a new roommate and never talk to either of them ever again, the fucking traitors.

 

*

 

Trixie didn’t get to sleep in on Monday the way Katya had let her the day before.

“Rise and shine Tallulah!” Katya said way too cheerfully before pulling the curtain and letting the December sun in.

“Do I have to?” Trixie muttered, eyes still closed.

“Oh yes, sorry Trix,” Katya told her, “but we have lots to do today, so get up you lazy-ass.”

Trixie got up, though reluctantly. She showered while Katya, who looked like she’d been up for hours, trademark red lipstick already applied, made them breakfast.

“How do I need to dress?” Trixie called from the bathroom once she was blissfully clean.

“Nothing fancy, something you can move around in, we’ll be walking some.”

“Okay, got it.”

The eggs were just as good as they had been the day before, which Trixie told Katya who turned it into a joke and said with a Russian accent that it was a great family secret. Trixie laughed, but told her she meant it and to take the fucking compliment.

Half an hour later they were setting their course for the city center. Katya kept pointing out different buildings and shops, telling Trixie funny stories about the owners or episodes she had witnessed when passing them.

Not long after they found themselves in front of a skating rink and when Katya turned to Trixie, Trixie knew what she was about to ask before words had even left her mouth.

“Can we please go skate?” She asked.

“I thought we had many, many plans today,” Trixie said, teasingly.

“We did, now we have new plans, which primarily involve skating. Please?”

“I’m warning you right now that I haven’t ever skated before and there’s a decent chance I’ll end up breaking both legs and spend Christmas getting surgery.”

“Oh don’t be silly,” Katya responded, “you’d have to wait until after Christmas for the surgery, obviously the surgeons will be busy singing Christmas Carols and pretending to enjoy spending time with their extended family.”

“You’re right, I’ll just be in such incredible pain that my suffering moans will cause you and your family to believe you’re being haunted by the ghost of an eight-year-old who was brutally murdered and is now on the look for revenge.”

Katya wheezed and hit Trixie a couple of times before dragging her by her hand to rent skates for the two of them.

When Trixie had exchanged both of her very comfortable and very safe boots for some very deadly-looking skates, she started feeling a little regretful of having agreed to go skate.

Katya was already out on the ice and was waiting expectantly for Trixie to join her.

“Are you coming Trix?”

“Uhm. It’s just, that ice is looking really icy and slippery.”

“Yeah, that’s why you’re wearing skates.”

“Right. Yes, okay.” Very slowly she made her way towards the rink and was two seconds from falling on her face when she had to take two steps without holding on to anything. She didn’t which truly was a Christmas miracle.

“I made it!” She said rather triumphantly and smiled proudly at Katya once the ice was beneath her feet.

“You did! Now it’s time for the skating part. It’s not really that difficult once you get the hang of it. It’s like walking, but with more of a whoosh to it,” Katya told her and thankfully demonstrated what she meant by whoosh.

Trixie nodded. It didn’t look too difficult.

She tried doing what Katya had done, but something went wrong because she had barely made two slow strides before she landed of her ass. She burst out laughing and Katya doubled over, somehow still keeping her balance. Still laughing slightly, Katya, with some difficulty, helped Trixie back on her feet.

“Maybe it’s best if I hold on to you?” Trixie suggested.

“Okay,” Katya agreed.

At first they tried with Katya just holding one of Trixie’s hands, but Trixie kept almost falling into Katya because she put so much of her weight on that hand. Then they tried Katya skating backwards, holding both of Trixie’s hands. It worked a lot better, but Trixie looked at her feet and Katya couldn’t very well see where they were going, so after they collided with another skater, they concluded it would probably be better if Katya could in some way see where they were going.

That’s how they ended up with Katya behind Trixie, hands on her hips, head looking over her shoulder and Trixie with her arms stretched out in an attempt to keep her balance.

“You’re doing really good Trixie!” Katya remarked after they had skated around the rink a couple of times and were getting into a good, steady rhythm.

“Yeah, Tonya Harding better watch out.”

Katya snorted. “Can’t wait to see you at the winter Olympics in a couple of years.”

“I’ll make sure to thank you in all the interviews, I’ll say you were my great inspiration, the epitome of all things American.”

“Hah, that’ll be sure to make my Gran rise from the dead and give me a good smack on the head, telling me I shouldn’t forget my Russian heritage.”

Trixie laughed. “I’m sure she and the eight-year-old ghost will get along grandly.”

“Oh yeah, undoubtedly.”

 

After another half hour of skating they decided that enough was enough and went to find something to eat. Katya took Trixie to a 50’s theme diner that Trixie fell in love with as soon as she set foot inside. They each got a burger but shared a big milkshake. The diner had an old-fashioned jukebox and Trixie was absolutely delighted when she emptied her wallet for quarters and country-covers of Christmas songs soon filled the place.

They were just about to leave when two girls around their age approached their table.

“Oh lord and behold, if it isn’t the one and only Zamo,” one of them, a tall, dark-haired girl said and sent Katya a smile that didn’t have one bit of genuinity in it.

Trixie felt herself get defensive when she watched Katya’s posture go from relaxed to rigid.

“Ava,” Katya greeted, before turning her gaze on the other girl, “Juliet, hello.”

“Back for Christmas, are you?” Juliet, Trixie assumed, asked, but it sounded more like an accusation than a question.

“Sure looks like it, now doesn’t it. You too?”

“Yes, obviously.” Juliet answered with an arched brow.

“Who’s this?” Ava asked and gestured to Trixie. “Your girlfriend? Did you finally get your head out your ass and realize all your creepy locker-room stares weren’t platonic, did you?”

“I’m Trixie,” Trixie said straight-faced, “Katya’s friend.”

They both snorted. “Yeah right,” Juliet uttered and gave Trixie as disbelieving look. “How’s life been Kit Kat? Still out there crushing people’s hopes and dreams?”

“Life’s been pretty good, thank you for asking. You?”

“Could have been better. You know, I watched the Olympics this summer and do you know what I found was missing? Me. All three of us, really. Such a shame we _all_ had to stop, don’t you agree?”

Katya didn’t say anything, but seemed to shrink under their stares.

“Does your girlfriend know the real reason why you stopped gymnastics? Why we all had to?” Ava asked.

“Yes.” Katya said it so convincingly that for a moment Trixie panicked and thought she had simply forgotten. In truth, Trixie knew some of the reason why Katya had stopped, but she was aware that Katya had kept parts of the reasons behind her decision from her. She just hoped the split-second of confusion couldn’t be read of her face.

“Wow, really?” Ava turned her burning gaze on Trixie. “And you still decided you wanted to be with her sorry, fucked up ass? You must be something else, God.”

“Can you please stop talking about Katya that way. I really don’t appreciate it,” Trixie said and felt braver than she was.

“Or what?”

“I don’t know, and I’d rather not find out.”

“Is that a threat?”

“It could be.”

They stared unblinkingly at each other. Ava broke the eye contact with a huff and an eyeroll, turning her attention back on Katya.

“I can’t imagine the lies you have spun to get a dyke like this gal to stand up for you. You’ve gotten her wrapped around your finger, haven’t you?”

“Shut up,” Trixie said. She didn’t raise her voice, but it sounded venomous anyway.

“Yeah, no I don’t think I will, thanks for the suggestion though. Hey, Kitty Girl, did you ever tell, what was your name, Trixie, right? About how you fucked all of us over? She’s really not one you should trust, she’s a snake that one, mark my words. Makes you think she cares about you and then fucks everything up because she’s fucking selfish!”

“Please leave,” Katya said, but her voice was weak and she looked so small it didn’t have any form of impact.

“No, Zamo, we were just talking about the good-“

“You heard her,” Trixie said and stood up, at eyelevel with the other girl.

“She fucking deserves this. She’s a fucking –”

“Just leave us the fuck alone!” Trixie didn’t mean to raise her voice, and wasn’t even aware she had until the words had left her mouth.

Ava opened her mouth, but closed it again, before sighing loudly. “Fine! I hope you two live fucking happily ever after, shit. Let’s go Jules.”

The two of them left with their middle fingers raised in a collective fuck you and Trixie kept staring after them long after there was nothing but air in their place.

“Who the fuck were they?” Trixie asked once she had somewhat regained her wits and sat down again.

“Uh, they were some of the people I did gymnastics with. We had the same coach.” Katya kept her stare on the table and was fiddling with the sleeve of her sweater.

“Wow, no wonder you quit, they were horrible to you.”

“Maybe, but I don’t blame them.”

Trixie raised her eyebrows. “What? No one, not even you, can be such a good person that they think that kind of behavior was okay.”

Katya barked a humorless laugh. “Oh I’m not.” She met Trixie’s eyes for a second. “Look, Trixie, I… Uh, fuck. I think I owe you an explanation for all of… this.” She made a vague gesture.

“You don’t owe me anything.”

“Maybe not. But I want to give you one anyway. Not here though.”

They paid for their food and walked back to Katya’s house in silence. Trixie was nervous, and she was nervous for two reasons. She was nervous because she was about to uncover more about Katya and that always made her slightly nervous and jittery. She was also nervous because she was pretty sure, both from what the two girls had said and from Katya’s reaction, that it wasn’t anything good.

Trixie soon found herself sitting in the living room couch, watching Katya pace back and forth, figuring out how to say what she was about to say.

“Uh, well, I should probably just spit it out, huh? Okay, here goes nothing, I guess. So, the three of us, we used to be good friends. Like, really good friends. We all had the same coach and saw each other almost daily, so it was pretty natural that we started eating lunch together when we started high school. We became close really soon because we found that no one else really got us like we got each other. We were all really ambitious with our gymnastics and we could relate to each other’s struggles with finding time for school and the endless diets and injuries and just always being so fucking sore. Every time we went to competitions some of us won. It wasn’t unusual for us to take home at least two out of three medals. And at first we were happy for each other, but the better we got the higher the stakes became and the less all of us won and we all inevitably started focusing more on ourselves and how we individually could get better. We started speaking less and less to each other, and when we did it was more cutting than it was friendly.

It all went really wrong though, when our coach started subtly suggesting that maybe we should take something to make us better, to make us go to nationals. Not so much that anyone would think we were taking anything, but just enough to take us to the next level. The next level, that’s we he always said.” Katya huffed. “Neither of us wanted to, at first, and for a moment we found each other again. But then we went to competition and none of us won anything. The first time, it was alright, but the second and third and fourth time, it wasn’t. Our coach was so angry and we were really fucking ashamed. So we agreed to take the enhancers. We always said enhancers, never drugs, even though that’s what they were.

Anyways, all was good for a while. We got really good really fast and started winning again. Our coach received so much praise for his coaching techniques and he _lived_ for it. The thing with drugs, though, is, they’re a slippery fucking slope. While we got better our bodies couldn’t always keep up and we were in constant pain. So we started taking something for the pain, too. And then we started taking other things too, just to see how it would make us feel, because so far they had only made everything better, you know. And it made us feel so fucking good, you have no idea. I think my parents suspected something was up, but didn’t have any solid proof until I ended up in the hospital at the end of junior year. I broke down and told them everything and they were so angry, but not with me, with our coach. They pressed charges against him and they brought the other girls into too, despite them begging and pleading my parents not to. Ava and Juliet were set on making a career out of it, of going to Olympics and then coaching once they couldn’t do gymnastics themselves anymore. This could ruin their reputation and future, and it did. We went to rehab over summer break, and while I didn’t have any plans of returning to the gymnastics scene, they had. But they had gotten severely out of shape and when they got back, it was impossible to find any respectable coach that would take them and they could wave goodbye to the future they had fought tooth and nail for since they were three years old, all because of me. So I do understand why they resent me. I probably would have, too, if I were in their place. So yeah. There’s that.”

Trixie was dumbstruck and seemed to have lost the ability to speak.

“Please say something,” Katya muttered.

“I- Katya,” Trixie shook her head, “fuck, I had no idea. I’m so sorry.”

Katya blinked rapidly a couple of times. “I get it, if you want to like, I don’t know, leave, go to Nate or something.”

“If I- what, why would I want that?”

“Because… because of all that. The drugs.”

“I don’t. I’m gonna stay right here.” Trixie got up, took the few steps between the two of them and wrapped her arms around Katya. “You’re not getting rid of me that easily.”

The physical contact between them seemed to be the drop that made the cup overflow and Katya started crying messily into Trixie’s shoulder. “Thank you,” she mumbled.

For a while they stood like that, neither of them saying anything.

“I’ve wanted to tell you for a while,” Katya said, head still buried in Trixie’s shoulder. “Just didn’t know how to. And I was scared that you wouldn’t wanna be friends anymore.”

“I don’t think anything could stop me from wanting to be your friend,” Trixie told her earnestly.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

 

*

 

The next three days passed in the blink of an eye and Trixie couldn’t help but feel like she and Katya had somehow moved forward in their relationship and gone from being comfortable to being familiar with each other. They could be doing absolutely nothing and Trixie would have a feeling of complete content and satisfaction, just because she was doing nothing with Katya.

She spoke with Nate and told him she was doing great and having fun and that Katya’s family was amazing. He told her that he was having a lovely time with Frances and that he couldn’t wait for Trixie to meet her, hopefully in a not too distant future.

Katya’s grandparent arrived early on the 24th and Trixie found out that not all old people were complete bigots. Most of the day consisted of said grandparents fighting over whose time it was to be in the kitchen preparing their meal for the Christmas feast. Meanwhile Trixie and Katya had a full-blown movie marathon going on in the living room, which those who had been exiled from the kitchen joined.

In the late afternoon, when all meal prepping was done it was announced by Tanya that it was time for the great Zamolodchikova tradition of playing bingo, so that’s what they did. They were all very vocal and opinionated about bingo, something Trixie hadn’t known one could be, and heated discussions broke out around every fifth minute.

Katya won and was so excited by this that she jumped up screaming “bingo!” and knocked both knees into the edge of the table. Trixie nearly fell off of her chair from laughing so hard and Katya, pouting, told her she wouldn’t share her winnings, a huge chocolate Santa Claus with Trixie now. She kept that promise for all of ten minutes.

A few hours later all of them were gathered around the dinner table once again, and in front of them stood what Trixie was positive was the biggest amount of food meant for seven people she had ever seen.

“So, Katya, how’s college? I feel like we barely hear from you anymore,” One of Katya’s grandads, her mom’s father as far as Trixie could remember, asked.

“It’s pretty good,” Katya said, mouth full of mashed potato. “My classes are really interesting this year, especially my art ones. They’re much more practical than usually so that’s nice and I actually think I’ve improved a lot this semester. Like, I did this project with Trixie and it turned out so good. It’s probably the best work I’ve done all year.”

“That’s amazing, love. I didn’t know Trixie was in your art class. Is that how you two met?”

“Oh, no, we work at the same kindergarten and just hit it off. She was gracious enough to invite me to her and her roommates’ infamous movie nights.”

“Oh that sounds fun!”

“It is.” Katya smiled.

“Are you a junior like Katarina, Trixie?” Katya’s grandmother questioned.

“No, I’m actually a freshman.”

“Are you really? You seem so mature, though. You’re a very lovely girl.”

Trixie blushed slightly. “Oh, uh, thank you.”

Katya’s grandmother smiled warmly at her, and then gestured between Katya and Trixie with her fork. “So how long have you two been dating?”

Trixie’s eyes doubled in size and it sounded like Katya was having a stroke next to her.

“Gran, oh God, no, we’re not dating. Just friends,” Katya sputtered.

“Oh, right, sorry. I just thought… Never mind.” Her grandmother smiled, before taking a sip of wine.

“Trixie isn’t even into girls, so.”

That was the moment Trixie’s phone started ringing.

“Oh, shi-, uhm sorry, that’s probably my mom, I’ll just go…” Trixie made a vague gesture and got up.

“Hi mom, just a second,” Trixie said and held her phone up against the front of her dress as she walked into Katya’s room. “Okay, I’m here now.”

“ _Honey, oh wow it’s so good to hear your voice_.” Trixie’s mom said and she sounded really sincere.

“You too,” Trixie said, a smile on her lips.

“ _So, how’s Christmas been so far?_ ”

“It’s been really good, actually. Katya’s family is really nice and including.”

“ _That sounds lovely_.”

“It is, yeah. How about you? How’s, uh, Dorothy?” Trixie asked, more out of politeness than actual interest.

“ _She’s not on top yet, but there’s definitely been some improvement_.”

“Good, that’s good.”

“ _It is, it is_.” Trixie’s mom cleared her throat. “ _Have you done anything exciting today?_ ”

“Well, we watched a bunch of movies and, oh wow, you’ll get a kick out of this, we played bingo.”

“ _Bingo? On Christmas?_ ”

“You bet. They were all like super intense about it. It was really fun, actually.”

“ _That sounds nice honey_.”

“How about you?”

“ _Oh nothing much, we had quite a nice dinner_.”

“That sounds good.”

“ _Yes_.” Her mom was quiet for a few seconds. “ _It’s so weird with neither you or Jonathan here_.”

“Yeah, it is strange,” Trixie agreed.

More silence.

“ _Have you opened your present yet?_ ”

“No, I’m waiting till tomorrow, to do it with Katya and her family.”

“ _Right, that makes sense_.”

Trixie hummed in agreement.

“ _Well, I’d like to talk to Jonathan before we leave for church_.”

“Right, yes, of course.”

“ _Do you want me to say hi from you?_ ”

“No, we spoke this morning. Thanks though.”

“ _Sure. Merry Christmas Beatrice_.”

“Merry Christmas mom.”

This, Trixie realized, was probably the first conversation she’d had with her mom during the last six months that hadn’t ended with Trixie feeling sad. It was also the first call in six months that hadn’t in any way involved or revolved around Gary.

_You okay?_ Katya mouthed once Trixie joined them again, and for once Trixie told the truth when she nodded.

 

“Are you girls sure you don’t want to join us for the midnight mass? It’s really beautiful, even if you don’t believe,” Tanya asked them once again as they were all getting dressed for the cold weather.

“Yes, thanks though.”

“Alright, alright. Don’t burn the house down while we’re gone then.”

“No promises!” Katya called after her, grinning wildly, then turned to face Trixie. “So, what do you wanna do?”

“I dunno. Something fun?”

“Wow, that was specific.” Katya lifted one eyebrow.

“Shut up.”

“Doesn’t your family have any crazy Christmas traditions?”

“Not really. Though Nate and I used to play a lot of card games during Christmas break.”

Katya’s face lit up. “Did you? Card games it is then!”

It turned out Katya basically didn’t know any card games, so Trixie taught her how to play Casino. Katya got the hang of it pretty quickly, but Trixie had been playing it for as long as she could remember, and neither were surprised when Trixie won.

After the fourth game Katya claimed she didn’t have any thinking juices left, so they went to play go fish on the couch.

While Trixie had tried to repress it, something had been bugging her since dinner. Over and over she heard Katya say _Trixie isn’t even into girls_ in her mind and Trixie couldn’t help but feel like she was lying to her. Trixie knew logically that she wasn’t, not really, she just hadn’t told Katya the truth. Which was fair enough, considering Trixie hadn’t even known what the truth was a month ago and had only really started accepting it the last couple of weeks, mostly thanks to Adore. Still, she hated keeping it from Katya, and she knew it wouldn’t change anything between them if she told her. She just didn’t know how to or when and kind of hoped Katya would just know. That didn’t seem to be the case, considering the _Trixie isn’t even into girls_.

“Earth to Trixie, all your aces?”

“Huh?”

“All your aces,” Katya repeated.

“Uh, go fish.”

“Damn,” Katya said and picked a card from the spread-out pile between them.

Trixie looked at her cards, but couldn’t seem to make her eyes focus.

Apparently too much time went by, because Katya said, “it’s your turn Trix.”

“Right.” Instead of playing her turn Trixie put her cards down, causing Katya to do the same.

“Is something wrong?” Katya asked.

“No, I just…” Trixie bit her lip and adverted her gaze. “Remember earlier at dinner, when you said… When, fuck, when you said that I, uh, wasn’t, you know, into… girls?”

Katya sat perfectly still. “I do.”

“What if, maybe, I was,” Trixie mumbled.

“Are you?”

“Maybe. Probably. Yes.”

Katya nodded slowly, then broke out into a soft smile. “That’s great Trixie.”

“You think?”

“Yes, absolutely.” Katya reached over and squeezed Trixie’s hand.

Trixie smiled back. “Okay, good.”

“How long have you known?”

“Not long. A month, maybe.”

“A month?” Katya arched her brows in surprise. “Wow, thanks for telling me so soon. I didn’t tell anyone for like six months after I found out for sure, I don’t think.”

“For real?”

“Yeah. I think Sasha was the first one I told, and that didn’t happen until maybe January my first year.”

“Huh.”

“Have you told anyone else?”

Trixie nodded. “Yeah, Adore. She’s been a huge help.”

“Good. I’m glad you didn’t have to go through all of it alone.”

“Me too.” Trixie picked her cards back up. “All your queens?”

“Oh fuck of,” Katya said as she handed Trixie two queens.

 

*

 

“Wake up, wake up, wake up!” A way too enthusiastic Katya said way too loudly and shook Trixie be her shoulders.

Trixie grumbled something indecipherable in response and half-heartedly batted Katya away.

“It’s Christmas morning Trixie, you’ve gotta get up!”

Trixie grumbled again, and reluctantly opened one eye.

“Both of my parents are up already, we’re just waiting for you, so up you get.”

“You’re despicable,” Trixie mumbled, but she did get out of bed. Apparently she must have been moving too slowly for Katya’s liking, because she took Trixie’s hand and dragged her towards the living room. True enough, Tanya and Aleksei was sitting there waiting for them, both of them in horribly ugly knitted Christmas sweaters, matching the one Katya was sporting.

“Good morning Trixie, did you sleep well?” Tanya asked once she spotted the two of them.

“Yes, thank you.”

“Enough pleasantries, it’s time for the presents,” Aleksei said excitedly and clapped his hands together.

“I wanna go first,” Katya said and immediately went for the pile of present that were halfway hidden underneath the Christmas tree. She went very determinedly for a big, rectangular present. “This is for you two,” Katya declared and handed her parents the gift.

“Is it an airplane?” Her dad asked and shook the gift.

Katya grinned. “Yes, this is the year I finally got you an airplane, now shaped as a square.”

“Finally!” Aleksei said and then he and his wife started unwrapping the gift.

It turned out to be a painting, which wasn’t all that surprising.

“Oh wow Yekatarina, you’ve really outdone yourself this year. It’s beautiful.” Her mom sighed and stroked one hand tenderly over the painting.

The painting itself was rather abstract and at first sight it didn’t seem to picture anything particular, but the longer you looked the more patterns and people showed up, Katya and her parents hidden in the middle.

“Thank you love,” her dad said and gave her a squeeze.

“It’s my turn now!” Tanya pronounced and gently put the painting down, before trotting towards the Christmas tree just as determinedly as Katya had.

“Here you go,” she said and handed Katya a present, which she started unwrapping messily right away.

She gasped when she saw its contents. “You didn’t!”

“Merry Christmas.”

“Oh my God I love you! Thank you _so_ much.”

Delightedly she showed Trixie the contents of the present, which was some kind of paint Trixie assumed was very good and fancy.

“I’m gonna make so many badass paintings with this. Oh my God Sasha is gonna be so jealous,” Katya muttered, mostly to herself.

“My turn,” Aleksei announced and went to find a gift he handed to his wife. It was a beautiful necklace that Tanya immediately put on after exclaiming that this was most definitely over the price range they had decided upon.

“It’s your turn Trix,” Katya said and all three of them looked expectantly at Trixie.

“Oh, okay, sure.” Trixie got up and got out the little box she’d gotten for Katya.

“It’s for you,” she said, blushing slightly, as she handed the box to Katya.

Katya sent Trixie a beaming smile that made Trixie’s insides melt as the took the box from her.

She ripped the paper from around the box and opened it. Her smile got so wide Trixie thought it might hurt a little.

“I- wow Trixie, these – I mean. I love them.”

Trixie exhaled relieved and felt a smile as big as Katya’s overtake her face.

“Can we see?” Tanya prompted curiously and Katya held up the stoned beetle earrings, that glittered as they caught the light. “Oh wow, they sure are beautiful.”

“Thank you so much,” Katya said and got up to pull Trixie into a warm hug. “I want to give you your gift now,” Katya said, and let go of her.

She grabbed a box with a bow on top and handed it to Trixie. “Merry Christmas.”

Slowly Trixie opened it. Inside was a stack of pictures. Trixie picked it up and started going through the photos. All of them were of her and her friends. There was a picture from the party at the start of the year with her, Adore and Courtney on, one of Trixie and Alaska with their arms slung around each other, a bunch of pictures from different Pizza and Movie Tuesdays, a couple of her and Katya from the Halloween party, a bunch of selfies she and Adore had taken through the year, one of her in the middle of Adore and Bianca making a face at the camera. There was the picture they had made an elderly woman take one of the days they had went exploring featuring all seven of them, one of Trixie and Vanjie dabbing, another of Trixie and Adore playing guitar.

And there were so many pictures of Trixie and Katya. There was one where they were sitting on a couch, Katya leaning her head against Trixie’s shoulders, one where Trixie gave Katya a piggyback ride, one of Katya laughing, ice cream in hand, Trixie’s nose stained from said ice cream looking surprised. Trixie and Katya walking closely together, backs to the camera, Trixie and Katya mid laugh, Trixie and Katya laying huddled together in Trixie’s bed, Trixie and Katya raising their middle finger at whoever had taken the photo, another of Katya pointing at something, and Trixie looking at Katya instead of whatever she had been pointing at.

“They’re for your wall. At the dorm,” Katya told her.

“Thank you,” Trixie said, a little choked up and sent Katya a wobbly smile.

They continued with opening the presents. Katya received some new painting brushes and a book from her grandparents. Aleksei had gotten a baking book from his parents and a pocket watch from Tanya. Tanya delightedly opened a box full of yarn in bright colors from her dad. Trixie got a cute skirt from Nate, that she suspected he might have had Frances help pick out and a new curling iron from her mom and Gary. She texted all of them and told them thanks for the presents.

“We actually also have a present for you, Trixie,” Tanya said and got up, leaving the living room before returning with a soft package in hand.

“Oh, uh, but I didn’t get you anything,” Trixie admitted, embarrassed.

“No, we know. We wanted to give you something anyways. It’s just a little something.”

“Thank you, you really didn’t have to, though,” Trixie said.

Carefully she started to unwrap the present. Inside was a sweater matching the ugly ones the rest of them were wearing.

“I –“ Trixie started and wiped a tear away. “Uh,” she gave a tearful chuckle, “thank you. Thank you.”

“You’re so very welcome. You’re a lovely girl, and you’ve been so good for Katya, we just wanted to give you something in return,” Tanya told her.

“This – I – This really…” Trixie shook her head at a loss for words.

“You don’t have to say anything love.”

Trixie sent both of them a grateful smile, before her gaze landed on Katya. For once, Trixie was the one to reach out and take her hand.

“Thank you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd love to hear your thoughts on this chapter, and if you want, you can come say hello on tumblr. I'm @moonmemory <3


	12. three, two, one

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Is this your first real New Years, then?”  
> “I mean. Yeah, I guess.” She had celebrated with Kim Sophomore and Junior year, but it hadn’t really been an actual party, just the two of them dressing up for the fun of it and then stuffing themselves to the absolute limit in Kim’s bedroom, watching the ball drop at midnight with Kim’s parents in their living room.  
> “We’ll have to make it really special then,” Katya said matter-of-factly, before burying her nose in the menu card.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back! I know it's been so long since I last updates, but I moved from Denmark to London and I've had to moved three times in the two and a half weeks I've been here, so life's fun I guess.  
> I hope you'll enjoy this chapter and I cannot thank you all enough for the wonderful comments I've gotten on my last chapter, it truly means so, so much. Also 100 kudos!!! That's fucking crazy ahhh!!

**_Katya_ ** _sent a photo_

**Katya** : which dress should i wear tonight?

**Trixie** : preferably neither

**Katya** : that can be arranged ;););)

**Trixie** : omg no pls

**Katya** : you’re so boring

**Trixie** : what i wanted to say is you continue making poor choices regarding fashion

**Trixie** : and therefor you should find something else

**Katya** : why are you so mean?

**Katya** : you’ve turned into bianca :(

**Trixie** : take that back!!

**Katya** : only if you apologize

**Trixie** : fine

**Trixie** : sorry

**Trixie** : also wear the black one with the reddish flowers

**Katya** : okay <3

**Katya** : see you later!

**Trixie** : yes!! <3

 

“What are you smiling at?” Adore asked when she caught a look of Trixie’s face.

“Nothing.” Trixie shrugged. “Katya.”

Adore rolled her eyes. “Of course you are. I don’t even know why I bothered asking.”

“Oh fuck off. What are you wearing tonight?”

“I haven’t decided yet.”

Trixie shook her head. “I honestly don’t understand how you haven’t. It’s new years eve. I picked my dress out like two months ago.”

“Yeah, but like you’re also slightly crazy,” Adore argued.

“Maybe, but at least I’m organized.”

“Sure, that’s one word for it,” Adore grinned, “not the one I’d have chosen though bitch.”

Trixie faked a gasp before putting a hand against her ear, thumb and pinky sticking out, and said with a straight face “Hi, yes I’d like to get a new roommate due to _bullying_.”

Adore cackled and half-heartedly said “stop it, you fucking bitch.”

“Yeah, no she just called me a fucking bitch, so if you could hurry up and find me someone else real fast, that’d be great thanks.”

“Oh my God you’re the fucking worst Trixie.”

Trixie sighed exasperatedly “She just won’t stop. She just said, and I quote _you’re the fucking worst Trixie_. No, no she sounded very serious. Yes. Oh you found me a new one? She has some white supremacist tendencies? I mean, I look white so it shouldn’t be a problem. Okay great! Thanks so much!” Trixie pretended to hang up and started walking towards the door. She cast a glance over her shoulder and said, “bye bitch!”

“I fucking hate you!”

 

“Trixie I swear if we don’t leave, like, right now, we’re gonna miss the fucking bus,” Adore told her, leg bouncing.

“Oh my God give a woman a minute,” Trixie said, not tearing her eyes away from herself in the mirror where she was frantically curling the last bit of her hair.

“If you don’t hurry the fuck up, I’m gonna leave and then you can catch the next bus and be late by yourself.”

“When did you start caring so much about being on time?” Trixie asked and sent her a pointed look.

“What do you mean, I’ve always cared about being on time.” Trixie snorted. “Also, like according to Courtney this is like a real fancy restaurant, so I’d rather not just barge in. And Bianca bet me that I’d be late.”

“It’s real fancy and you still dressed like that,” Trixie responded, and put her curling iron down.

“Fuck you! Are you ready now?”

Trixie did a turn in front of the mirror. “Yes, let’s go.” She grabbed her coat and followed a frantic Adore out the door who muttered “Thank fucking God,” under her breath.

 

** mulan is best **

**Courtney** : alaska and i are here, how far along is everyone?

**Bianca del Meano** : katya and i should be there in five minutes according to google maps

**Courtney** : are you walking??

**Bianca del Meano** : not by choice

**Bianca del Meano** : we took the bus but got off at the wrong stop

**Bianca del Meano** : kat was sure she knew a quicker way. she didn’t

**Courtney** : lol i'm sorry

**Vanjie** : brooke and me are running a little late, but we’ll be there in 15 minutes tops

**Courtney** : i still can’t believe we’re finally meeting brooke!!

**Vanjie** : y’all better not say nothing that’ll scare her off

**Bianca del Meano** : no promises

**Vanjie** : please please i'm begging you try and behave

**Trixie** : as if that’s possible

**Trixie** : also adore and i are almost there

**Courtney** : good!!

 

Trixie and Adore were the next to arrive, which Adore was extremely satisfied with.

“I cannot wait to see the look on B’s face, it’s gonna be glorious!” Adore cackled as she handed her coat to the staff, because it was that kind of a fancy restaurant.

They made their way towards Courtney and Alaska, who were sat at one of the largest tables in the place.

“You two look great!” Trixie said in lieu of hello.

“So do you! Give us a spin Trix,” Courtney requested, and Trixie obliged, the skirt of her dress becoming fuller.

“You look great too, Adore, really love your outfit,” Adore mimicked, a smile on her face.

“Oh my God, you do! You really do!” Courtney said.

“I know,” Adore told them and wiggled her eyebrows before sitting down.

They talked some more about clothes, as one does, about what other options they had considered for the evening, agreeing that it had been a real struggle finding something that could both be worn at an expensive restaurant as well as at a club.

The door opened again, revealing Bianca and Katya. As soon as Adore spotted them, she stood up, pointed at Bianca and loudly exclaimed “Ha! I got here before you! You owe me ten bucks, Del Rio.”

“Oh fuck off Delano,” Bianca responded, but her bright grin betrayed her rough tone.

They continued bantering, but Trixie didn’t take in any of the words they said, all her focus on Katya.

Her eyes were fixed on her and she couldn’t seem to tear them away as Katya painfully slowly removed her jacket and scarfs, handing them over to the staff just like Trixie and Adore had.

Katya always looked good in Trixie’s opinion, but tonight she seemed to be glowing. Her make-up was just a little bit better, her cheekbones more pronounced, her hair fuller, the dress was looking awfully good on her. Trixie found it was impossible to look anywhere but Katya, her eyes following as she made her way to their table and as she hugged the others.

Trixie stood up when Katya reached her, which was weird and slightly embarrassing, but she couldn’t very well undo it, so she decided to just roll with it.

“Katya, wow, uhm, yeah, you look great.” Trixie sent her a smile, and felt very aware of every part of her body.

“So do you,” said Katya, looking her up and down, “like really good.” Trixie felt herself blush and was relieved when Katya pulled her in for a hug so it wouldn’t be evident just how much she was blushing.

When they pulled apart Trixie received a look and a raised eyebrow from Adore, and countered it by pointedly looking at her and Bianca’s hands clasped together before raising her own brow.

Adore stuck out her tongue which made Trixie roll her eyes.

Detox and Roxy arrived not long after, and it was quite impossible to miss an entrance from the two of them.

“Happy fucking new year bitches!” Detox exclaimed, gaining several looks from the other guests, but she didn’t give a fuck, which was something Trixie really liked about her.

She and Roxy went around the table giving everyone a kiss on the cheek and did some weird greeting with Alaska, that Trixie didn’t even try to wrap her head around.

“Who’s missing? Vanjie?” Roxy asked, sitting down next to Alaska, but looking at Courtney.

“Vanjie and Brooke and Jinkx and Sasha,” Courtney answered without missing a beat.

“It’s not like Jinkx and Sasha to be late,” Alaska noted, eyes on her phone. “Should I text them?”

“No,” Katya said, “Sasha texted me to say Jinkx had fallen asleep, but that they’re on their way and shouldn’t be too late. And that we could just start ordering without them, if we wanted.”

“What, no,” Adore butted in, “we’ll wait for everyone to be here.”

“I second that,” Trixie said, despite being really quite hungry, haven skipped lunch because she had to choose between lunch and shaving her legs, and her legs had won that fight by a mile.

They chatted excitedly about their Christmases and tried to top each other with who had received the most ridiculous gift. Alaska and Adore were neck and neck when Vanjie walked in hand in hand with a tall, blonde woman who everyone knew would be Brooke. For a second complete silence fell over their table, and then everyone started talking loudly all at once, and it was impossible to hear a word any of them said.

_Be nice_ , Vanjie mouthed, eyes big, as she got closer, and wicked grins spread all around.

“This,” Vanjie told them and gestured to Brooke with the hand she wasn’t holding Brooke’s in, “is Brooke.”

Everyone stood up to greet Brooke, pulling her into a hug, complimenting her, saying how great it was to finally meet her.

Surprisingly, it was Bianca who struck up a conversation with Brooke, despite both Adore and Courtney sitting in between the two of them.

Katya leaned forward, gathering Vanjie’s attention, and whispered not very subtly, “she’s hotter in person.”

Vanjie nodded and sent Brooke a dreamy look. “Fuck mami, I know. But she’s mine, so keep your hands of off her.” Vanjie turned her eyes back on Katya, more serious.

Katya wiggled her eyebrows joyfully, but followed the gesture up by saying, “That won’t be a problem,” and sent Trixie a soft look, making Trixie’s palms sweaty and color return to her cheeks.

Vanjie rolled her eyes and muttered, “Oh God,” but didn’t elaborate any further, making Trixie feel slightly confused, because clearly both Vanjie and Katya was aware of something Trixie wasn’t. And chances were, that that something probably was related to Katya’s love life, or sex life, and it made something that felt an awful lot like jealousy course through Trixie’s body.

Jinkx and Sasha arrived not long after, taking up the last two places at their table, Sasha sitting down next to Trixie and Jinkx next to Sasha.

A waitress handed out menus, and despite her lovely smile, she looked stressed, and Trixie couldn’t help but sympathize with her. One thing was sure, Trixie was going to leave her a huge ass tip.

“You know,” she said, and leaned slightly towards Katya, “that was me last year.” She nodded her head towards their waitress.

“What do you mean?” Katya asked, confused.

“Last New Year’s Eve, I waitressed.”

Katya scrunched her eyebrows together. “Please tell me you’re joking.”

Trixie shook her head. “I’m not.”

“Why weren’t you out celebrating with your friends?”

“I didn’t really have any.” Trixie said it as if it wasn’t a big deal, even though she knew both her and Katya knew it was. “And one of my coworkers was absolutely heartbroken when she found out she had to work New Years, so I offered to take her shift. It was better than being at home and I made a fuckton of money.”

Katya didn’t look convinced. “Is this your first real New Years, then?”

“I mean. Yeah, I guess.” She had celebrated with Kim Sophomore and Junior year, but it hadn’t really been an actual party, just the two of them dressing up for the fun of it and then stuffing themselves to the absolute limit in Kim’s bedroom, watching the ball drop at midnight with Kim’s parents in their living room.

“We’ll have to make it really special then,” Katya said matter-of-factly, before burying her nose in the menu card.

The food was delicious, probably the best Trixie had ever had, and for once she found herself not worrying about the cost of her meal. She had specifically put money aside for this evening, and damn it, she would use every single cent.

Their table was without doubt the loudest in the restaurant, but Trixie couldn’t bring herself to care, even when she received several looks for her loud, screechy laugh.

The fact that she didn’t really give a fuck was probably furthered by the two and a half glasses of wine she had been drinking.

“So,” Sasha said, gaining Trixie’s attention, “How was Christmas with the Zamolodchikovas?”

“It was amazing. They are so nice, all of them.” Trixie could feel a wide smile spread. “It was probably the best Christmas I’ve ever had.”

Sasha smiled back. “You know, it’s funny, Katya said it was also the best Christmas _she_ had ever had.”

Trixie felt her stomach churn and had to stop herself from letting her smile get wider in an attempt to avoid looking like a complete maniac. “Did she?”

“She did. I hope you know how much you mean to her.”

“She means a lot to me, too.”

Sasha nodded. “Good. Katya can’t cope with haven her heart broken.”

Trixie wasn’t sure what Sasha meant and why Trixie would play a role in breaking Katya’s heart, and was about to ask her this when Katya turned towards them.

“What?” She asked.

“Nothing,” Sasha said. “We were just talking.”

“About me?”

“Nothing nice, don’t worry,” Trixie told her, before screeching a laugh and gaining a playful swat from Katya.

“I hate you,” Katya stated.

“You love me,” Trixie asserted.

“I do,” Katya said, before turning back to her conversation with Alaska.

“What?” Trixie said at the look she received from Sasha.

“You two really just are something else.”

Trixie shrugged. “Well, yeah. I guess. How was your Christmas?”

 

Katya had been complaining about being cold for the last ten minutes of their walk to the club, and Trixie had lost the ability to feel cold due to drinking and had a little forcefully wrapped Katya in her coat. Katya had predictably tried to refuse it, saying Trixie would get a cold, but Trixie hadn’t given in and felt more satisfied than she should have, seeing Katya in her coat.

It felt right and Trixie couldn’t help but sneak glances at Katya every few seconds.

“Trix, where’s your coat?” Alaska asked her, falling into step besides her. “Please don’t tell me you forgot it at the restaurant. I refuse to turn back, we’re almost there.”

“No, don’t worry, Kat was cold, so I gave it to her.”

Alaska raised her eyebrows and sent her a look that very closely resembled the look Adore had given her earlier when she had greeted Katya.

“What?” Trixie said, a little defensively.

“You gave her your coat?”

“Well, yeah. Is that a problem?”

“You two are so fucking stupid. So stupid.” Alaska shook her head.

“What, why?” Trixie asked, confused.

“You know, the fact that you don’t even know what the fuck I’m talking about, that just proves my point.”

“Laska, you’re making no sense.”

Alaska grinned. “I’ll bet you, literally everyone else here knows what I’m on about. Even Brooke, and we just met her a couple of hours ago.”

“I’m so confused.”

 

The music in the club was so loud, Trixie was 90 percent she would wake up deaf the next morning. It was good music though, so she wasn’t really mad about it.

They had barely set foot in the club when Adore yelled “shots on me!” effectively making everyone follow her to the bar.

Adore grinned at the bartender. “Hello good man, I need shots for all of my friends!”

He smiled back. “Aren’t you a generous one. How many do you need?”

“Uh, fuck I don’t know. Court, how many are we?”

“Twelve, I think.” Courtney replied, then counted on her fingers. “Yeah, twelve.”

“Twelve shots please,” Adore told the bartender.

“I don’t really drink,” Katya said, but the bartender had his full attention on Adore as she decided on tequila shots, so neither of them heard her.

“I’ll drink yours,” Trixie said. “Don’t worry.”

Katya laughed. “You’re such a good person Trixie, I really appreciate the sacrifice.”

“You know me, always out there doing God’s work,” Trixie said and next she knew she had a shot in one hand and a lime in the other.

“Wait! Don’t drink!” Vanjie yelled. “I have two words for you: Body. Tequila.”

Those two words made everyone scream and whoop in agreement.

“Dibs on B,” Adore declared, and grabbed Bianca’s arm, pulling her closer.

“Literally no one else wants to do body tequila on Bianca, she’s all yours” Alaska stated dryly.

“Fuck you whore!” Bianca said, thrusting her middle finger in the direction of Alaska.

During their bickering everyone else had paired up. Vanjie and Brooke had their fingers intertwined and leant heavily towards each other, Sasha rested her head on top of Jinkx’s, Alaska had her arm hooked through Courtney’s and no one even questioned the fact that Roxy and Detox would pair up, probably haven taken hundreds of tequila shots of off each other during the years they had known each other.

This, Trixie realized, meant she would by default be paired up with Katya. Which she both felt excited and nervous about and her heartrate was so high she feared her heart might just pop out of her chest at any given point.

When she turned her gaze on Katya, she found that Katya’s eyes were already resting on her, a question burning in her eyes.

“I’m down for it, if you are?” Katya vocalized the question and Trixie nodded, not really trusting her voice. “You still gotta take both shots though.”

“Okay.”

“Okay,” Katya echoed and then pulled the top of dress over her shoulder, exposing her collarbone. Trixie swallowed. Katya dipped her finger in the shot Trixie held, drew a line on herself and then sprinkled salt on top of it. Then she very gently reached out, took the piece of lime and placed it between her lips.

Trixie thought she might combust.

“Is everyone ready?” Adore shouted and received a chorused yes in return. “Okay, three, two, one!”

Trixie leant forward, licked the salt of Katya, downed the shot and bit into the lime Katya had stuck between her teeth, her entire body shaking.

Then she watched as Katya repeated the process of dipping, drawing, sprinkling and placing the lime.

Trixie’s heartbeat was so loud it almost drowned out the music. She couldn’t tear her gaze away from Katya.

“Three, two, one!” sounded once more, but Trixie wasn’t sure who said it.

She traced the line of salt on Katya’s skin, and, for inexplicable reasons, found herself doing it slower, more deliberately. It could have been her imagination, but it felt like Katya trembled slightly. Trixie locked eyes with Katya as she downed the second shot and kept them locked until she was a breath away from her. As she bit into the lime, her eyes closed on their own accord. Trixie was aware of every single part of her body, but that focus singlehandedly shifted to her lips when she felt Katya’s brush lightly against her own.

She pulled away. She felt tingly and a little foggy and it felt like this hadn’t actually really happened, that it was all part of some fever dream.

“Let’s go dance bitches!” Adore exclaimed, and grabbed onto Trixie as she walked by her, dragging her towards the dance floor.

“I’m getting some air,” Katya shouted after them, and Trixie sent her a thumbs up in return. Which was both lame and idiotic.

 

The two shots hit not long after and Trixie was floating. She was breaking out her stupidest dance moves, looking utterly ridiculous, because she hadn’t been gifted with the ability to dance.

She was trying to teach Detox, Jinkx and Courtney how to line dance when she spotted Katya again.

“KAT!”

Katya looked in the direction of them and lit up in a smile when she saw the four of them.

“Come dance with us! We’re line dancing!”

She wasn’t sure if Katya caught all of what she had said, but she weaved her way through the crowd anyway.

“What the fuck are you doing?” Katya asked, laughing.

“We’re line dancing. Obviously.” Trixie rolled her eyes. “C’mon, I’ll teach you too.”

Trixie did teach her and figured life was just really unfair when it turned out that Katya was actually better at line dancing than she was.

She told Katya this much, but Katya laughed, and, with a hand resting on Trixie’s arm, told her it was because she had been taught by the best.

 

** mulan is best **

**hopefully a teletubby** : yo

**hopefully a teletubby** : where the fuck is everyone?

**Courtney** : laska, jinkx, detox and i are dancing by the bathrooms opposite the bar

**Katya Kahlo** : i’m outside smoking with roxy and sasha

**Katya Kahlo** : vanjie and brooke are here too, but they’re making out against the wall

**hopefully a teletubby** : okay I’m coming outside, i need to smoke too

**Katya Kahlo** : cool

**Katya Kahlo** : where’s trix and bianca?

**hopefully a teletubby** : they’re by the bar doing god knows what

**_Bianca del Meano_ ** _sent a picture of Bianca and Trixie with drinks in their hands_

**Bianca del Meano** : we’re drinking bitchessss

**Bianca del Meano** : like y’all should be doing

 

“So,” Trixie said, voice slightly slurred, “what’s up with you and Adore?”

Bianca gave her a look. “I thought Adore would have told you?”

Trixie grinned. “Sure, but I wanna hear it from you, too.”

Bianca laughed. “You’re nosy!” Trixie shrugged. “Fine, but I’m only telling you this cause I’m drunk and it’s New Year and I don’t hate you.”

“Oh wow, I’m really feeling the love.”

“Fuck you, I’m trying to be nice bitch.”

Trixie laughed. “You should probably try a little harder.” Bianca rolled her eyes. “Anyway, spill!”

Bianca’s broad grin turned into something a little softer. “Adore’s great. And I really like her. But we’re pretty different so I really hadn’t thought we’d get on, but we just really do. And I guess we’ve been dating for some time now. Kind of. Probably? I hope. I mean, not that the sex in itself isn’t great, because trust me, it is, but I also just want everything else from her and to be with her all the time and I honest to fucking God did not sign up for that.” Bianca smile faltered a little. “I’m not sure where she stands though.”

Trixie scrunched her face up in surprise. “What do you mean? She’s heads over heels for you, you’d have to be blind not to see it.”

“Oh. Well, good.”

“So, are you gonna do anything about it?”

“Maybe.”

“No, not maybe. Yes, B, yes!”

“Okay, yes! I’ll ask her.”

Trixie grinned, and couldn’t help but press on a little. “Ask her what, exactly?”

“I’ll ask her to be my fucking girlfriend.” Bianca grinned too.

Trixie whooped. “Happy fucking New Year!”

 

Trixie was about two seconds from peeing herself. Normally she could hold it, but it psychically hurt how much she had to pee. She banged her fist against the bathroom stall again. “Please, please hurry up I’m about to wet myself out here!”

The door opened a few seconds later, and four girls spilled out of the stall, giggling. Trixie had barely closed the door and pulled her dress up before she began peeing. She sat there in blissful peace for longer than was necessary. Her peace was disturbed when she heard knocking on the door followed by Vanjie’s voice. “Bitch you better hurry the fuck up –“

Trixie opened the door, still sitting on the toilet. “Vanjie!” She exclaimed excited.

“Trixie? Trixie! Girl, you better get up or Imma pee right on top of your very nice dress.”

“Close the door!” Vanjie closed the door and then switched places with Trixie.

“Oh mami, wait let me see those panties again,” Vanjie said and Trixie pulled her dress up. “Girl, who are you planning to take home? You got your eye on someone?”

“Nah, I just really like pretty underwear.”

“Trix, girl, there’s a different between pretty and sexy. Those are sexy.”

Trixie looked down. She supposed maybe they were.

“So, who do you wanna take home? I’m a real good wingwoman if you need help.”

“I’m not taking anyone home.”

“You sure?” Vanjie pressed.

“Yes. I’m not gonna lose my virginity on New Year’s Eve. That’s too fucking cliché.”

“You do you mami.”

 

Somehow Trixie ended up dancing in a group of unfamiliar girls, waving her hands around like crazy. Suddenly it wasn’t a group anymore, it was just Trixie and a brunette, and she seemed to be dancing closer and closer to Trixie.

She was pretty good looking, and from the looks of it, wasted out of her mind.

“Are you single?” She yelled into Trixie’s ear.

“What?” Trixie asked, even though she had heard every word the girl had asked.

“Are you single?” She repeated.

“Uh,” Trixie blinked a couple of times. “Yes?”

“Can I kiss you?”

“I – can – what?”

She didn’t bother repeating the question this time, and instead leaned towards Trixie.

Her lips were soft, and it was actually a pretty nice kiss, Trixie thought. Even if the girl wasn’t really who she wanted to kiss.

That was a ridiculous thought, because Trixie didn’t want to kiss anyone in particular. Right? Right.

Good.

She pulled away anyway. “Happy New Year,” she told the nameless girl, leaving her alone on the dancefloor.

 

** mulan is best **

**Courtney** : we’re meeting by the speaker next to the new year’s eve sign 10 to 12 so we can do the countdown together

**Courtney** : that’s in 10 minutes folks

 

“IS EVERYONE HERE?” Courtney yelled. Trixie looked around and frowned when she didn’t spot Katya.

“No, we’re missing Katya.”

“Oh fuck,” Courtney muttered.

“I’ll call her,” Trixie said, already pulling out her phone.

No answer. She dialed again. Still no answer.

“Is she picking up?” Courtney asked when Trixie dialed the third time. Trixie shook her head.

“I’m gonna go find her,” Trixie said, and ignored the protest from Courtney as she slipped into the crowd.

Her heart sped up every time she spotted a blonde girl around Katya’s height, but her hopes were quashed whenever she got a look at their faces.

She had a sinking feeling that only worsened as she watched the clock on her phone tick closer and closer to midnight.

Two minutes to midnight she had the epiphany that maybe Katya wouldn’t be inside. Actually, the more she thought about it, the more sense it would make for Katya to be outside. Determinedly Trixie walked towards the door and threw it open.

She looked left. No Katya. She looked right. Also no Katya. She checked the time. A minute to midnight.

“Fuck,” she mumbled.

The only thing Trixie was sure of in that moment was, that it wouldn’t really be New Year’s Eve if Katya wasn’t with her, so if she couldn’t celebrate it with Katya she might as well not celebrate it at all.

Then she looked up, to the other side of the road.

There. A figure was pacing back and forth, and the figure was unmistakably Katya.

“Katya!” She yelled and immediately started crossing the road.

Katya looked up, a weird look on her face. “Trixie? What are you doing?”

“I’m looking for you! What are _you_ doing?”

“I just needed some air.”

Trixie wasn’t entirely convinced that it was the truth.

She considered saying _why are you really out here?_

“It’s almost midnight,” she said instead.

“Really?”

As if on que the countdown from the club started.

_10, 9, 8_

“Why aren’t you with the others?” Katya asked

_7, 6, 5_

“I wanted to be with you.”

_4, 3, 2_

They looked at each other, neither saying anything.

_1_

_HAPPY NEW YEAR_

For the briefest moment Trixie got the overwhelming urge to kiss Katya, to just surge forward and kiss her until they both forgot that there had ever been a time where kissing each other wasn’t the only thing they had ever done.

But that was ridiculous, and she didn’t even like Katya like that, so she pulled her into a hug instead.

“Happy New Year, Katya,” she whispered, holding her tight.

“Happy New Year, Trixie,” Katya whispered back.

They stood there, still holding on to each other when the first fireworks were set off and soon people started coming out of the club to look at it. Trixie knew this only because of how frequently the music became louder before once again being muffled by the door shutting, and not because she was looking.

“There they are, those whores!” was shouted by Bianca and a few seconds later Trixie felt multiple arms envelope her and Katya.

“Happy New Year!” was repeated over and over, and soon they were all shouting it to each other, jumping up and down, laughing and probably looking like a complete shitshow.

 

They were back in the club and it felt more crowded than it had before midnight, but Trixie realized this was probably only because she wasn’t as drunk as she had been before.

She was dancing again, shouting more than singing along to the songs.

Katya was opposite of her and Trixie was laughing harder each time Katya broke out a new, ridiculous dance move to Trixie’s entertainment. Sometimes Trixie would try to top her or mimic her and few times she shimmied towards her, grabbed her hand and spun her around.

If it happened that neither of them let go once Trixie was done spinning her, no one needed to know.

At some point Adore came up to her and screamed “I need to talk to you outside,” and she looked so fucking happy that Trixie knew what she was about to tell her without needing her to say the words.

“Bianca asked me to be her girlfriend,” Adore burst out as soon as the door shut behind them.

“And?” Trixie prompted a huge smile spreading.

“And I said yes!”

Trixie started jumping and reached for Adore’s hands, screamed in excitement, Adore joining in, and the two of them screaming and jumping up and down, gained them a few curious looks from the smokers around them.

“I can’t believe you have a girlfriend!” Trixie said, once she had calmed down a little.

“Bitch _I_ can’t believe I have a girlfriend!” Adore replied, looking happier than Trixie could ever remember haven seen her before.

“I’m so happy for you. And Bianca.”

“Me too.” Adore smiled. “I have a question.”

“Fire away.”

“How would you feel about spending the night in Katya’s and B’s dorm? Because I really, really plan on making good, good love to Bianca later and I think it’d be best for everyone if you weren’t there.”

Trixie laughed. “I fully agree with that. And as long as it’s fine with Katya, it’s fine with me.”

“How can it not be fine with her? You two have literally just slept in the same bed for like a week.”

“True.”

 

It was a quarter to five when Katya approached her to ask how she would feel about leaving. It was immediately evident to Trixie how tired Katya was, so she agreed to leave right away. They said their goodbyes to those still left and Trixie ordered an Uber.

They didn’t talk for the ride home, and Trixie caught how heavy Katya’s eyes turned, and how she kept them shut just a moment longer than she normally would every time she blinked.

“Thanks,” Trixie quietly told their driver and snuck an arm around Katya, walking them towards her dorm.

“Was it special enough?” Katya asked once they were both in bed, and it took Trixie a moment to understand what she was referring to.

“It was the best,” Trixie answered truthfully.

“Good,” Katya said. “You deserve it. You deserve everything.” Then she drifted off to sleep.

Trixie didn’t fall asleep right away, despite feeling completely exhausted. _You deserve everything_ , kept playing in her mind over and over, accompanied by images of Katya.

She kept getting stuck on the image of their lips brushing, as Trixie bit into the lime, and how it had electrified her and how, maybe, she wanted to do it again, but without the lime getting in the way.

In the end Trixie decided that now wasn’t the time to think about _that_ and she forced herself to focus only on her breathing, and soon, she drifted off to sleep, too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think and if you dare come say to me on tumblr! I'm @moonmemory


	13. fear and love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Over the last few months she had been coming to terms, properly coming to terms, with her sexuality. And during the last many weeks she had practiced saying I’m a lesbian with Katya or Adore. But mostly Katya.  
> The first time she said it she had started crying. Not at lot, but she had cried nonetheless. Katya had also told her she was proud of her then.  
> The first many times she said it, the words felt weird and unfamiliar in her mouth, and Trixie couldn’t help but feel like she was pretending. But the more she said it, the more confident she grew that those three words was the truth. She was a lesbian. And there was nothing wrong with being one.  
> She had only started believing the last part recently.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah yes a new chapter that's not a month late, can you believe that?  
> I honestly cannot believe how well received this fic has become. All of your comments and messages mean the world to me and they make it so much more fun to share this with you, so thank you so so much <3

Trixie was awoken by a rapid knocking on her door. She thought for a moment that if she just ignored it long enough, hopefully whoever was knocking would go away.

That was not the case and the knocking became consistently louder and faster.

“It’s your turn to get it,” Adore mumbled sleepily before pulling her covers over her head and turning her back to Trixie.

While Trixie was pretty sure that it was, actually, Adore’s turn to do so, she still got out of bed with a groan and trotted slowly towards the door, her arms wrapped around herself, missing the warmth of her bed already.

She unlocked the door and grumbled “what?” before even seeing who was on the other side.

She was greeted by Katya’s grinning face. “Good morning Tallulah!”

“Why are you disturbing us at this ungodly hour?”

“It’s almost eight, which is much later than the time God intended us to be up and about.” Katya said, still smiling and bouncing on the back of her heels.

“I highly doubt that,” Trixie told her with a straight face.

“It’s the truth, there’s no denying it. I even read it in the bible. Thou mustest be upeth when the sun ligheth up the sky. Let me in?”

“Don’t do it,” sounded Adore’s voice muffled by her covers.

“Uhh,” Trixie said, not really sure what to do, and sent a longing look at her bed.

Katya made the choice for her by pushing past her and saying, “Great, thanks. And don’t worry Adore, we’ll be real quiet, you won’t even notice us.”

“Uh huh, yeah I highly doubt that,” Adore noted dryly, but she didn’t complain any further, so Trixie took that as a sign not to kick Katya out. Not yet, at least.

“What are you doing here?” Trixie asked, closing the door for Katya.

“I just wanted to check in, see what you were doing on this fine spring morning.”

Trixie raised her brows. “I was sleeping, like normal people like to do on weekends.”

“Sleeping is boring,” Katya declared and plumbed down into Trixie’s desk chair.

Trixie went back to her bed and pulled her covers around her shoulders. “I literally told you last night that the only one I had plans with today was my bed.”

“You should change those plans.”

“I have a feeling you’re going to change them for me.”

A devilish grin spread across Katya’s face. “You’re so clever Tracy.”

Adore groaned and Trixie looked at the form of her buried beneath her covers apologetically.

“You’re much more fun to wake up and annoy than Bianca. She just gets super mean in the mornings. Like, really, fucking mean.”

Trixie pulled the covers closer around herself and looked at Katya with a sigh. “So Bianca was mean to you and you were bored so you decided to come here and convince me to entertain you?”

“Basically, yes.”

“Couldn’t you have chosen literally anyone else, you spend every waking hour with her anyways,” Adore grumbled, and buried herself deeper into the covers, though it didn’t seem possible.

“I could, but this seemed the funnest.”

“That’s not even a word you cunt.”

“It is now! Also, I knew Trixie wouldn’t just shut the door in my face. That’s what Alaska did the one time I tried waking her up,”

“I wish she would have,” Adore mumbled.

Katya started spinning around in the chair, legs pressed to her chest, and cackled as it picked up speed. Trixie got a little dizzy just looking at her.

Adore sighed loudly, removed the covers from her face and sent Trixie a look.

Trixie raised her eyebrows and Adore widened her eyes.

Trixie gave in. “Kat do you wanna get a coffee or something?”

“Oh! Yes!” She was still spinning.

“Alright, let me just get dressed. Is that coffee shop we went to for the drawing thing open at this time?” Trixie asked and got up, her back to Katya.

“Yes. It’s a coffee shop after all.”

“We’ll go there then,” Trixie decided as she pulled on a pair of jeans and a sweater before giving herself a quick look in the mirror and decided to not bother with makeup at this time of the day. Instead of brushing her hair she pulled it back into a bun that actually didn’t look too bad. Usually she wouldn’t go out like this, but it was eight in the morning on a Saturday, so she assumed there probably wouldn’t be a lot of people around.

“Okay, I’m ready. Let’s go.”

“Thank you,” Adore sighed happily.

 

While the unofficial plan in Trixie’s mind had been getting some decaf coffee with too much sugar, drink it and then part ways with Katya before reuniting with her bed, they ended up staying in the coffee shop for two hours, Trixie giving up on her plan as soon as she laid eyes on the new spring frappe. It was pink. She ordered it along with a breakfast muffin and mournfully waved goodbye to any chance of getting more sleep before the evening.

They walked around town for a bit after they left the coffee shop behind, taking in the crisp spring air, sometimes chatting, sometimes quiet but content.

“You know,” Trixie said at one point, “I think I’m ready to come out to them. Our friends, I mean.”

Katya’s face lit up and she smiled encouragingly at her. “That’s great Trix. I’m really proud of you.”

Trixie knew it was true. Over the last few months she had been coming to terms, properly coming to terms, with her sexuality. And during the last many weeks she had practiced saying _I’m a lesbian_ with Katya or Adore. But mostly Katya.

The first time she said it she had started crying. Not at lot, but she had cried nonetheless. Katya had also told her she was proud of her then.

The first many times she said it, the words felt weird and unfamiliar in her mouth, and Trixie couldn’t help but feel like she was pretending. But the more she said it, the more confident she grew that those three words was the truth. She was a lesbian. And there was nothing wrong with being one.

She had only started believing the last part recently.

“I’m gonna do it the next time we’re all together,” she decided, and looked to Katya in hopes of her validating her idea.

“That sounds like a plan,” Katya said, beaming up at Trixie.

 

Trixie did not stick to her plan of telling everyone the next time they were together. Bianca came by that same evening to visit Adore. The two had made a habit of visiting each other almost daily ever since they officially had gotten together, and Trixie spent even more time with Katya than she used to. At this point it was pretty common for them to spend the night in each other’s dorm when they didn’t receive a text back from either Bianca or Adore confirming it was safe for them to go back to their respective rooms.

Trixie didn’t mind, and she was pretty sure Katya didn’t, either. She even had a few shirts and dresses in Katya’s room, as did Katya in Trixie’s.

This evening Trixie hadn’t been exiled to Katya’s room yet, and she was hopping in and out of Bianca and Adore’s conversation, not really paying too much attention to it.

Adore was lying with her head in Bianca’s lap and the two of them offhandedly made a joke about being gay. Without really thinking about it, Trixie said “same” making both of them look at her, Adore with a big, bright smile, Bianca looking slightly shocked.

It took Trixie a couple of seconds to figure out why they were both looking at her like that.

She had gotten pretty used to being open about her sexuality in her room and she hadn’t even thought about the fact that it wasn’t just her and Adore there, despite the fact that it was close to impossible to ignore Bianca whenever she was in the same room as you.

“I’m sorry, what?” Bianca asked, blinking rapidly.

“Uh,” Trixie sent Adore a look to which Adore gave her an encouraging smile. “Same?” Trixie repeated, but it sounded more like a question than an answer.

“Is that your way of saying you’re gay?” Bianca asked, bluntly as ever.

“I guess? Yes.” Trixie said and then she started laughing. “Oh God this was not at all what I had planned.”

“Bitch you made a plan?” Adore questioned.

“Well, it wasn’t really a very thought-out plan. I just thought I’d do it once we were all together, just to get it over with all at once.”

“That’s actually pretty sensible,” Bianca said. “It’s what I did, too.”

“Did it work out for you?”

“More or less,” Bianca said, shrugging. “Could have been worse.”

“Great, really encouraging words, so looking forward to it now,” Trixie said and sent her a crooked smile.

“Oh shut up, it’s not like anyone here is gonna have a problem. Most of us are gay as hell anyway.”

“And thank God for that,” Adore muttered.

“I’m guessing you already knew?” Bianca said and looked down at Adore.

“Oh bitch, I was the first one who knew.” Adore looked rather pleased with herself about that.

“Congratulations babe,” Bianca noted dryly and Adore hit her lightly. “Does anyone else know? Does Katya know?” Her eyes were back on Trixie.

“Katya knows yeah. I told her over Christmas.”

“Hmm,” Bianca muttered thoughtfully. She looked like she had more to say, but no other words came.

“When are you planning to tell the others?” Adore asked and intertwined her fingers with Bianca’s.

“Dunno. Soon, I think.”

 

**Trixie** : i just came out to bianca

**Katya** : omg for real?!

**Trixie** : yeah

**Trixie** : it was by accident tho

**Katya** : how can you come out by accident?

**Trixie** : she and adore made a joke about being gay and i said same

**Katya** : ahaha omg trix

**Trixie** : i know lol

**Katya** : how are you feeling?

**Trixie** : pretty good

**Katya** : that’s good

**Trixie** : yeah

**Trixie** : it was actually easier than i thought it would be

**Katya** : great!!

**Katya** : i’m so proud of you

**Trixie** : thanks <3

**Trixie** : oh god they are kissing now

**Katya** : ew gross

**Trixie** : i know

**Trixie** : i give them ten minutes before they give me a look and i have to leave

**Trixie** : oh fuck never mind i’m leaving now

**Katya** : see you in a few

**Katya** : the door is open btw

 

“Hey,” Trixie said as she walked in. Katya was laying sprawled out on her bed, tongue peeking out between her lips, a highlighter in her hand and a book that was more highlighted than not lying in front of her.

Katya looked up, a smile lighting up her face. “Hey Trix!”

“I swear the longer Adore and Bianca are together the more I regret ever encouraging them to figure their shit out.” Trixie sighed and dumped down next to Katya despite the fact that there wasn’t really enough room for her and she ended up sitting halfway on top of Katya.

Katya rolled over to make more room for her. “At least we’re in this together.”

“That’s true. God, could you imagine having to switch rooms every other day, but you had to stay with someone you didn’t actually got on with?”

“That would probably be my own personal hell.”

“Same. Like the guy with the rolling stone, only instead of rolling a huge ass stone up a hill, I have to sleep somewhere else every night because my roommate won’t stop fucking her girlfriend.”

Katya wheezed a laugh and dropped the highlighter in the process. Trixie picked it up and wiped the red lipstick stains of on the back of her hand before handing it back to Katya, a huge smile on her lips.

“What are you reading?” She asked and leaned over to get a better look. It was totally a coincidence that Trixie just happened to more or less lie on top of Katya in the process.

“Just some research for my final assignment in advanced art theory.”

Trixie hummed in response. She didn’t move away even though she knew she probably should.

Katya didn’t move, either.

“Is it interesting?” She asked after a few beats of silence.

“What?” Trixie asked and looked at Katya confused.

“The book.”

“Oh.” Trixie nodded. “Yeah, super interesting. It’s actually so interesting that I’m 99 percent sure that I’m going to change my major solely based of on that one page. It’s changed me and my life forever, giving me a new and clearer perception of who I am as a person and what my role in this world is.”

Katya laughed, so Trixie laughed, too. “You’re so stupid,” Katya exclaimed and somehow moved in a way that made Trixie lie directly on top of her.

The laughter died out and they both just lay there, Trixie staring down at Katya, Katya staring up at Trixie and it felt like something was tugging on Trixie’s heartstrings and she was suddenly breathless.

Katya’s eyes seemed to be burning with a question and Trixie could feel her heart beat faster and faster the longer they stayed there. The problem was that Trixie wasn’t entirely sure what the question was, even if she maybe did know the answer to it.

“Hey, sorry to just barge in I –“

Both Trixie and Katya looked over at Sasha who stood frozen in the door way. Trixie felt like she had been caught with her hands in the cookie jar and could feel a blush color her face red.

“I’ll just come back some other time,” Sasha mumbled and slowly started to back out of the room. Trixie removed herself from Katya, ready to protest Sasha leaving, but the words died on her lips and then the door was closed with a soft thud.

“Right,” Katya started when the silence between them became to overwhelming. Trixie looked at her, grateful that she said something, but no other words came. Trixie repeated the right, but it had been too long and it sounded weird in the suffocatingly quiet room.

“Uhm, I think I’m gonna hit the shower, actually,” Katya said, and untangled herself entirely from Trixie, who just nodded dumbfoundedly. “Okay, yeah I’ll be back in 20,” Katya said, as if she hadn’t showered a bunch of times while Trixie had stayed over and Trixie wouldn’t know that Katya usually used around 18 minutes to shower. In a flash Katya had gathered a towel and her hair products and then Trixie was left alone with her thoughts.

To say Trixie was relieved that everything felt normal when Katya came back was an understatement.

It felt normal in the way that Trixie’s heart still sped up when she saw Katya, even though she resembled a racoon more than a human being. Normal in the way where Trixie had a hard time not smiling just because she was in the presence of Katya. Normal in the way where they joked around and ended up snuggled together on Katya’s bed watching Vine contemplations on YouTube with Katya leaning her head against Trixie’s shoulder. Normal in the way that Trixie really wanted to reach out and intertwine her fingers with Katya’s, but didn’t. Normal in the way where Trixie would smile to herself when she heard Katya’s light snores and think that Katya was her favorite person in the whole world. Normal as it always had been.

 

** mulan is best **

**Trixie** : my gals, do y’all have time to meet up today?

**hopefully a teletubby** : i'm down!

**Courtney** : i do!! i feel like i haven’t seen any of you bitches in forever

**hopefully a teletubby** : same :(

**hopefully a teletubby** : school is v stressful

**Courtney** : fuck i know right?

**Courtney** : i miss seeing your actual faces

**Bianca del Meano** : i'm down too

**Bianca del Meano** : don’t know about the looking at your faces part though, you’re all pretty ugly tbh

**Courtney** : you’re so mean

**hopefully a teletubby** : that’s not what you said last night ;)

**Bianca del Meano** : guilty as charged

**Courtney** : tmi oh my god

**a difficult bitch** : i’m coming and only with a slight headache this time

**Bianca del Meano** : have you ever considered your voice to be the source of your reoccurring headaches?

**a difficult bitch** : yeah, but the doctor said it was the drinking :/

**Bianca del Meano** : oh just the source of mine then

**Trixie** : katya said to tell y’all she’s gonna be there

**hopefully a teletubby** : fuck are you two still fooling around? you left like four hours ago

**Trixie** : so?

**Courtney** : didn’t you also go see that movie together last night?

**Trixie** : well, yeah

**Trixie** : but she didn’t really give me a choice in the matter

**a difficult bitch** : as if you’d have said no either way

**Trixie** : oh fuck off

**Bianca del Meano** : lol did katya wake you up today too?

**hopefully a teletubby** : she sure did

**hopefully a teletubby** : at fucking 7 am

**hopefully a teletubby** : who the fuck does shit like that

**Bianca del Meano** : just be happy you don’t have to live with her

**Trixie** : kat says stop complaining you love living with her

**Bianca del Meano** : i really don’t

**Trixie** : kat says :(

**Vanjie** : i wanna come!! where do you wanna meet???

**Trixie** : i was thinking a café or something?

**a difficult bitch** : yes good coffee

**Vanjie** : i agree, coffee

**Bianca del Meano** : which café?

**Courtney** : what about the cute one on the corner with the really good blueberry muffins?

**Vanjie** : oh yes!! imma stock up on them muffins bitch!

**Trixie** : can everyone make it for 11:30?

**a difficult bitch** : sure

**Vanjie** : i mean i’ll try

**Bianca del Meano** : you better try whore

**Bianca del Meano** : also, yes

**Courtney** : no problem

**hopefully a teletubby** : bianca please drive us

**Bianca del Meano** : it’s literally only two blocks away

**hopefully a teletubby** : so?

**Bianca del Meano** : god gave you your legs for a reason

**hopefully a teletubby** : i hate you

**Bianca del Meano** : sure thing babe

**hopefully a teletubby** : i really do

 

Trixie and Katya arrived at the café ten minutes early and decided to claim the best table they could find. They ended up pushing two tables together because none of the others could seat seven people.

“Are you nervous?” Katya asked once they had settled down.

Trixie wanted to say no, to tell Katya that she knew she didn’t have anything to be worried about, that she knew her friends didn’t care if she was gay and, therefore, she didn’t have any reason to be nervous.

“Yeah,” she admitted, because it was the truth and Trixie didn’t want to lie to Katya.

“It’ll be fine,” Katya said, and gave her a reassuring squeeze. Trixie really appreciated Katya didn’t tell her not to be nervous and she sent her a smile as thanks.

Courtney was the first one to arrive and gave them a cheerful wave from the door before joining them. Everyone else came shortly after, Vanjie only ten minutes late which everyone was thoroughly impressed by.

“It’s honestly so good to see all your faces again, holy shit,” Vanjie said after giving everyone a hug. “I’d almost forgotten what you bitches look like.”

“As if you could ever forget this clown face,” Bianca snorted and gestured to her own face.

“I think you’re hot,” Adore said, a dopey look on her face.

“I know,” Bianca said and winked.

“God, so do I,” Trixie muttered and pretended to shudder.

“Oh fuck of,” Bianca replied.

“It’s not like you give me much of a choice in that matter unless I want a private showing of whatever you two get into when I’m not there. At this point Katya might as well be my roommate from how often we end up sharing a room.”

“Don’t pretend like you don’t enjoy it, you two are basically the same person.”

“I hate it,” Trixie said straight-faced, “almost as much as I her hate her. She snores, you know.”

“Do I?” Katya asked, a look of surprise on her face.

“A little.”

“Oh. I didn’t know.”

“It’s true,” Bianca confirmed.

“Should we order?” Trixie asked, trying to get everything back on track. She reckoned she probably was the one who should get things running, considering she was the one who had proposed them meeting up. There were hums of confirmation all around, and all but Katya and Adore got up to order. Trixie ordered a cappuccino for herself, a black coffee for Katya and a piece of chocolate cake for the two of them to share.

When they had all settled back at the table with variations of coffee and cake the conversation ran wild and Trixie slowly but surely lost her belief in her otherwise foolproof plan.

 

“Brooke asked me to come to Canada with her over the summer,” Vanjie said, all love eyes and excited energy.

“What, no way!”

“Are you for real?”

“I’m so happy for you Vanjie!”

“Are you gonna go?”

“Fuck yes I am mami. A whole summer of Brooke is literally the ideal for me.”

“You have to send us pictures.”

Vanjie wiggled her eyebrows.

“Ew no, not that kind of pictures.”

“Speak for yourself, I wanna see Brooke naked.”

“Yeah, but you’re also a whore.”

“Touché.”

 

“Alaska and I went naked speed dating yesterday.”

“You did what?”

“Thanks for the invite.”

“Your girlfriend is literally right there.”

“She doesn’t mind, right babe?”

“I’m assuming it was straight speed dating?”

“It was.”

“Then you’re right, Adore is as gay as they come. You hereby have my permission to go to straight naked speed dating.”

“Thanks babe.”

“Was it fun?”

“Oh my God it was so fucking funny. We couldn’t stop laughing for the first fifteen minutes.”

“We almost got kicked out.”

“You didn’t!”

“We did, we did.”

“Did you fuck anyone?”

 They exchanged a look.

“Did you fuck each other?”

“I mean, not directly.”

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

“We might have ended up in a foursome.”

“No!”

“Oh my God. Oh my God.”

“And you’re the ones who keeps telling us we’re gross.”

 

“Did I tell you about when I ended up arguing with one of the lecturers for half an hour during class?” Katya asked, mouth full of cake.

“What, no, when?”

“Last week maybe?”

“I think you told me. Is he the racist one?”

“I mean he’s probably racist too, but he just kept making the most sexist and objectifying jokes.”

“Ugh I hate men.”

“Same.”

“Don’t we all?”

“On a scale of one to ten how scared were you of calling him out?”

“A solid twelve, but in the moment my ranging anger was the only thing I was truly capable of feeling.”

“Ah yes, the sweet, sweet anger of being a woman. It fuels you like nothing else.”

“Ain’t that the truth.”

 

“Trixie and I finally figured out how to write a song that’s a mashup of country and rock that doesn’t sound horrible.”

“I’ll have to hear it before I believe it.”

“It’s true! It’s actually pretty good. We even got one of our classmates to drum to it.”

“How much did you have to pay them?”

“Nothing! Because it was actually a good song you fucker.”

“I highly doubt that.”

“Sorry, I’m with Laska on this one. I don’t trust you.”

“Yeah, me neither.”

“Literally fuck all of you.”

“Yeah fuck you, we’re talented as hell.”

 

Every time the conversation slowed down Trixie’s heart sped up. This is it, she told herself every time. You’re just going to say it and then it’ll be done and over with. But every time someone started up a new conversation before Trixie got around to it and Trixie felt relief wash over her.

Katya had been sending her raised brows and small nudges and had even tried to stir the conversation towards sexuality once, but Trixie still hadn’t gotten any further than thinking about saying it.

After an hour of not saying the one thing she came to say, despite the words being on the tip of her tongue all the time, she tapped Katya on the knee to get her attention. Katya turned towards Trixie and Trixie whispered, “I need help.”

Katya stared at her intensely, her eyes seemingly scanning every part of Trixie’s face. “Are you sure you want to do this?”

“Yes,” Trixie said without a shred of doubt.

“Okay,” Katya said, nodding, then cleared her throat. “Listen up you guys,” she started, and the otherwise flowing conversation quieted down, everyone turning their attention on Katya. “I’m bisexual.”

A beat of silence.

“We know?” Bianca said with a raised brow. Katya looked at Trixie and then sent Bianca a look. “Oh.” Bianca cleared her throat. “I’m gay. Adore?”

“I’m gay too?” Adore said, but she looked really confused. “Why are we announcing our sexua – oh right. Yeah, I’m really gay.”

Katya turned her gaze on Trixie. “Trixie?” she prompted.

Everyone looked at her, expectation in their eyes.

Trixie’s throat felt dry and her heart was beating so fast and she felt nauseous. She looked back at Katya, her heart sinking. Katya grabbed her hand and gave her an encouraging squeeze.

It’s just like saying it with Katya, she tried to convince herself. Just pretend like you’re in her room, and it’s just the two of. You’ve said it so many times, it’s not any different now. It’s not. _I’m a lesbian, I’m a lesbian, I’m a lesbian_.

“I’m a lesbian,” Trixie finally said. It didn’t feel strange, the words felt familiar in her mouth and she felt a million pounds lighter. “I’m a lesbian,” she repeated and then she was beaming from ear to ear.

They all started talking at once and Trixie couldn’t make out any coherent sentences, but soon all of them were hugging her and she didn’t need to hear their words, because this was a way better way to show her how they felt anyway, and Trixie forgot why she had been so afraid to tell them in the first place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think and come say hi to me on tumblr I'm @moonmemory and I only bite if the situation warrants it


	14. take me i’m yours

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Hey Trix?” Katya asked, just as she had earlier. Once again Trixie turned her head towards Katya, eyes resting on her.  
> “Yeah?”  
> Katya didn’t meet her gaze, her eyes trained to a spot on the floor. “I want you to see them.”  
> Trixie was confused for a moment, not sure what them was, exactly.  
> “Your paintings?” Trixie finally asked.  
> Katya bit her lip and stained her perfectly white teeth red, then nodded.  
> Trixie sent her a sincere smile. “I’d love that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeehaw an update on a Sunday! Unheard of. Enjoy this chapter and let me know what you think!

For the first time as far as Trixie could remember, she was dreading going to work. She had been dreading this particular day for a while and it had been weighing her down more than she wanted to admit. Her only solace in all of it was that Katya was right there with her, feeling the same sorrow Trixie felt deep in the pits of her stomach, probably feeling it more strongly than Trixie even.

“I can’t believe we have to say goodbye to them today. I can’t believe it.” Trixie was standing next to Katya on the playground, arms wrapped around herself, staring mournfully at the kids. It was the last day in the kindergarten for a lot of them before they left for school and Trixie couldn’t quite wrap her head around it. Both she and Katya had skipped school and politely demanded they got a full day in the kindergarten, which Michelle thankfully had agreed to without any fight.

“Me neither.” Trixie saw Katya shake her head out of the corner of her eye. “Like I’ve seen these kids grow up. I’ve known some of them for half their life. That’s crazy. And now they’re just gonna be… gone.”

They sighed in unison.

“I’m probably gonna be two seconds from bawling my eyes out when I have to say goodbye to Lucy,” Trixie admitted, her gaze following Lucy swinging and singing along with Dana.

“Yeah same. Theo, too. I can’t believe today is the last day I’m gonna get one of his hugs.”

“Why would you say that? Oh God I hadn’t even thought about that.” Trixie felt as the corners of her mouth turned downwards on their own accord.

“Sorry.”

“It’s fine.” Trixie shifted her gaze towards Katya. “How do you think they’d handle it if either of us actually started crying?”

Katya scratched the back of her head. “I honestly don’t know. I don’t think they’ve ever seen a grown-up cry before.”

“Probably not, no.”

“They’d probably just be really confused. Or sad. Or maybe both.”

“Probably, yeah,” Trixie agreed.

 

Turned out, they were right in their assumption of the kids never having seen adults cry.

They did an entire ceremony with Bob and Latrice taking turns reading out each kid’s full name while they were placed on a stool, looking out at everyone else. Everyone started chanting their first name and clapping and the kid would jump down from said chair, receive a lamented diploma and then run around and try to high-five every single person, looking so proud and happy. They would end up hugging Katya and Trixie tightly and Trixie would tell them to go out there and take over the world and say that she was so proud of them and that she would miss them all so very much, before they would let go of her one last time and run to their parents who were everything from bored-looking to crying to smiling proudly.

Trixie’s eyes were just glossy at first. She kept the tears at bay by sheer determination, denial and rapid blinking. Then Latrice read out Lucy and it was game over for Trixie, silent tears streaking down her cheeks and dripping onto the floor. Lucy jumped of the stool ran around squealing with joy and laughter giving high-five after high-five and then she had her arms wrapped around Trixie and Trixie came undone.

“You are so smart, and strong, and beautiful and you can do anything you set your mind to okay?” Trixie told her softly, voice a little wobbly.

Lucy nodded into Trixie’s shoulder. “I’ll miss you Trixie,” she mumbled.

Trixie gave her a tight squeeze. “I’ll miss you too, Lucy. So much.”

“Is that why you’re crying?” Lucy questioned, still clinging onto Trixie.

Trixie chuckled tearfully. “It is, yes.”

“I didn’t know grown-ups could cry.”

“Everyone can cry. It’s very normal.”

Lucy nodded again, then said, “I love you Trixie,” gave her a kiss on the shoulder and ran over to her parents, proudly showing them her diploma, leaving Trixie dumbfound and feeling like her love was too big for her body and with an imminent sense of doom when the thought, that this was probably her last conversation with Lucy ever, hit her.

Katya reached out and gave her hand a brief squeeze before both of them once again occupied their hands with clapping. Trixie returned the gesture when Katya stood up after hugging and mumbling words to Theo, tears smearing her dark eyeshadow, she same look of doom evident in her eyes.

 

For the first time that night, it was Trixie who exiled Adore to Bianca’s room. She needed to have some sort of emotional comforter, and while Adore usually played that part to perfection and beyond, Trixie needed someone who actually understood where this exact hurt was coming from, and only Katya knew. So Trixie wanted to spend the night in the same room as Katya.

And maybe Trixie also wanted an excuse to snuggle up with Katya, but that definitely wasn’t a deciding factor in throwing Adore out.

 

**Trixie** : can you sleep at b’s tonight?

**Adore** : bitch is that even a question??

**Trixie** : i guess not lol

**Adore** : why tho?

**Adore** : are you bringing someone over???

**Trixie** : just katya

**Adore** : okay?

**Adore** : care to expand on why you need for her to “spend the night”?

**Trixie** : it’s just because of the kindergarten stuff

**Adore** : you sure that’s all?

**Trixie** : i’d say so yeah

**Adore** : there aren’t any other motivators at play?

**Trixie** : no

**Adore** : hmm

**Adore** : okay

**Adore** : sure

**Adore** : see you tomorrow?

**Trixie** : yes

**Trixie** : and thanks

**Adore** : no problem

 

“You’re sure,” Katya asked, hand on the door handle, “that you sent Adore to my room and not the other way around? Because I’m not sure I can survive the mental scars of seeing them going at it, not today.”

Trixie rolled her eyes. “Yes, Katya, I’m sure.”

“Okay, I’m just telling you, if I die tonight, that’s on you.”

“Okay,” Trixie agreed, biting down a smile.

Katya opened the door to an empty room and Trixie gestured towards it as if to say, see, what did I say? Katya just rolled her eyes in response and then walked straight towards Trixie’s dresser and pulled out one of Trixie’s soft t-shirts and a pair of her own leggings.

“This day,” Katya said as she started undressing, making Trixie’s brain short circuit despite Katya having undressed in front of Trixie many times, “is so fucking shitty that we deserve like eight pizzas and fries and garlic bread.” She turned her back to Trixie and unclasped her bra and Trixie was suddenly very worried that she had forgotten how to breathe. “And mozzarella sticks and, I don’t know, fucking tater tots or something.”

Trixie hoped Katya took her silence as an agreement because Trixie didn’t know how to speak, much less form any coherent sentences.

Katya turned around, and her smile melted into something else. “Are you okay Trix? You look a little pale.”

Trixie cleared her throat and willed her voice to work. “Yeah. Just sad.” She nodded and tried for a sad smile, hoping that would be the dot over the i to convince Katya of this.

“Me too,” Katya sighed. “So, comfort food?”

Trixie nodded in agreement and half an hour later their room was overflowing with too much food for two people, but neither of them proposed inviting anyone else over.

They put on Little Miss Sunshine as a comfort watch, but neither of them actually concentrated on the movie itself.

“Is it always this hard?” Trixie asked, head against Katya’s shoulder, her eyes starring unfocused at the scene unfolding in front of her.

“Yeah,” Katya sighed. “It’s better this year though, because I’m not alone.”

“I couldn’t imagine going through this without you,” Trixie admitted.

“Me neither, and I’ve already done it.”

Trixie huffed a laugh and Katya reached out and squeezed her thigh, then left her hand resting there, making Trixie’s breath hitch and heart speed up.

“What did you do last year?”

“I think I just cried alone in my room and ate my own weight in pasta.”

Trixie laughed in earnest this time. “Sounds reasonable.”

Katya laughed too. “Yeah, I think so.”

“I honestly couldn’t have imagined becoming so attached to the kids.”

“Me neither. It’s really hard not to though, when you spend so much time around them.”

“Yeah,” Trixie agreed. “It really is.”

They finished the movie and, surprisingly, most of their food. Then they cleared the floor and pressed the two mattresses against each other without ever verbally confirming that that’s what they would be doing.

Trixie didn’t feel ashamed when she reached out for Katya’s hand, maybe because she felt protected and braver in the dark, maybe because of something else entirely. Katya just smiled at her softly, eyes studying her face. Trixie sent back a tired smile and before she knew it her eyes shot of their own accord and she fell asleep with her fingers intertwined with Katya’s.

 

The next many shifts Trixie had in the kindergarten had a weird melancholy hanging over them. Everyone was marked by the oldest kids leaving, but none as much as Dana. She had been down and not really engaging with the other kids since Lucy’s departure. She sought the company of the adults most of the time and could be found circling them until she made some sort of physical contact.

Trixie knew it was because of Lucy leaving. So did Katya and Latrice. They didn’t know what to do about it though, as all of their attempts so far had been fruitless.

“Don’t you wanna go play with some of the other kids?” Trixie asked her, despite already knowing the answer. Dana shuffled closer to Trixie and grabbed her hand, then shook her head.

“Why not?” questioned Trixie.

“It’s no fun,” Dana said, eyes on the ground. “And they’re not my best friend, anyway.”

“Who is your best friend?”

“Lucy,” Dana said, without missing a beat.

“Do you miss her a lot?”

“Yeah. Because she’s my best friend.”

Trixie hummed. “You know, you can have more than one best friend.”

“No, you can’t. Can you?” Dana looked up at Trixie.

“You can,” Trixie confirmed. “In fact, I have multiple best friends.”

“You do?”

“I do.”

“Who is it?”

“My two closest friends are probably my roommate Adore and then Katya.”

Dana lit up in a smile and Trixie couldn’t help but smile too when she realized how long it had been since she had seen an earnest smile from Dana. “Our Katya?”

“The one and only.”

“Is she your bestest friend?”

“Yes,” Trixie said, just as sure of her answer as Dana had been.

“We should tell her,” Dana suggested, but it wasn’t really a suggestion, and soon she was tugging Trixie across the playground towards Katya.

“I’m sure she already knows,” Trixie said, laughing.

Dana just smiled.

“Hey Katya!” Dana yelled, even though they weren’t far enough away that it was actually necessary to do so.

“What’s up Dana?” Katya asked with a bright red grin.

“Did you know you’re Trixie’s bestest friend?”

“I am? Whew,” Katya said, and pretended to wipe away sweat from her forehead – or maybe she didn’t pretend, who knew when it came to Katya – “that’s a relief, because she’s my bestest friend, too.”

“Really?” Dana asked, eyes big.

Katya nodded.

“Do you have any other best friends that isn’t your bestest friend? Because Trixie said you can have more than one.”

“Trixie’s right. I also have best friends called Bianca, Jinkx and Sasha.”

“Wow,” Dana said, looking unbelievingly at Katya. “That’s a lot of best friends.”

“I know. I’m really lucky. But you know, we started out just as friends before we came best friends.”

“Did you?”

Katya smiled. “We did. You have to start as friends before you can become best friends.”

Dana looked thoughtful. “Do you think I can get more best friends?”

“Oh yes, no doubt. You’re wonderful Dana. You just have to play with the other kids and then I’m sure it’ll happen all by itself.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, no doubt.” Katya looked around the playground and then pointed towards Laura who was building God knows what out of sand. “Why don’t you go play with Laura? I’m sure you two will become best friends in no time.”

Dana looked from Katya and Trixie to Laura and then back again, considering Katya’s proposition. “Yeah, okay, I will.” And then she was off in the direction of Laura.

“I can’t believe that actually worked,” said Trixie dumbstruck as the two observed Dana approaching Laura.

“Me neither.” Katya had a look of awe on her face Trixie was sure matched her own. “I feel like I’ve tried everything to get her to socialize with the other kids.”

“Same here. But it never worked.”

“Let’s hope it sticks and they actually do become best friends,” Katya said, eyes still trained on the kids.

“Fuck, yes, that’d be the blessing of the year.”

“Amen.”

 

As exams drew nearer and nearer Trixie saw Katya less and less. And Trixie missed her. They still slept together most days, because Adore and Bianca’s sex life didn’t get put on hold for something as trivial as exams, but often Katya would get home just as Trixie had gone to bed and be gone when she woke up in the morning.

Katya was spending basically every waking hour she didn’t have classes or work hidden away in the art classrooms painting her heart out and Trixie hated it. She did know that these were very important paintings, that they would count as half her grade so of course they had to be good, but it felt like a very significant part of Trixie had gone missing and it was driving her a little insane.

Trixie had contemplated asking Katya if she could go with her, just to be in the same room with her, but even she knew that there was a limit, and that this was beyond that. It also took away from her courage that whenever she asked Katya about what, exactly, she was painting, she only got vague responses explaining their assignment, which was something about painting your emotions, but never any detailed descriptions of the actual paintings, which was very uncommon for Katya, who usually could spend hours upon hours blabbering about her newest creations.

The only positive Trixie could find in all of her missing was that she suddenly had a lot more time on her hands she could focus on her finals. She didn’t really like studying alone though, so as often as she could she bullied at least one of her friends to go to the library with her. She quickly found out that while she really liked studying with Vanjie, the two of them barely got anything done because they ended up talking more than doing anything productive, but that studying with either Alaska or Courtney or the combination of the two made her more focused and effective than she was working with anyone else.

Alaska especially had a tendency to get really into her work and focus so much on whatever she was doing that her energy became infectious and Trixie by extent also would find herself more focused than she usually was.

Trixie found that she actually wasn’t all that nervous about her upcoming exams. This was mostly because she actually felt prepared this time, unlike her exams in winter when she was living more inside her head than out of it.

Trixie hadn’t even realized how much being closeted had affected her until after she had come out, and with each passing day she grew more and more grateful for the fact that it had all gone by so smoothly. Even if she still hadn’t come out to anyone but her friends.

Best not to think about coming out to her family.

Trixie was rereading one of her books from intro to music theory, writing notes in the already crowed margins on one of the blissful days where Katya had gotten back before Trixie was asleep, making everything feel more right.

“Hey Trix?”

Trixie whipped her head in the direction of Katya, meeting her gaze. “Yeah?”

“I finished my last painting today.”

Trixie couldn’t help the big smile that spread across her face because finally, finally Katya was the one to bring up her paintings. It had been nagging Trixie more than she wanted to admit, but she assumed Katya had a good reason for keeping tight about what she was painting.

“Did you?”

“Mhmm. We have to turn them in in two days, so I only just made it in time. I think I repainted one of them three times.”

Trixie’s lips parted, and she looked at Katya with the utmost awe. “You repainted one of them three times?”

“Well, yeah. I wanted it to be perfect.”

“Did it end up being so?”

“No, but it got as close at it’ll ever come.” Katya shrugged then opened her mouth, but the words must have died on the tip of her tongue because she closed it again just a few seconds later. Trixie kept her gaze on Katya for a few more seconds, giving her the time to collect her thoughts. When she stayed silent, Trixie hummed and turned her attention back to the book in front of her.

Neither of them said anything for the next many minutes but Trixie could feel Katya’s discontent hanging in the air. She wanted to ask what Katya had wanted to say, but she knew Katya well enough at this point, that she felt confident she would say whatever she wanted to when it felt right for her to do so.

The right time was an hour later when Trixie shut her book with resolution, her head overflowing with words that didn’t make much sense any longer.

“Hey Trix?” Katya asked, just as she had earlier. Once again Trixie turned her head towards Katya, eyes resting on her.

“Yeah?”

Katya didn’t meet her gaze, her eyes trained to a spot on the floor. “I want you to see them.”

Trixie was confused for a moment, not sure what them was, exactly.

“Your paintings?” Trixie finally asked.

Katya bit her lip and stained her perfectly white teeth red, then nodded.

Trixie sent her a sincere smile. “I’d love that.”

Katya finally lifted her gaze and met Trixie’s and she looked nervous which made Trixie nervous by extension.

“We should do it tomorrow,” Katya said, and it was a statement more than it was a proposition.

“Okay,” Trixie agreed, because Trixie would agree to just about anything Katya suggested.     

“I’ll pick you up after your last class. Is that okay?”

Trixie nodded. “Yes.”

“Good. Okay, yes. I’ll do that, then.” Katya looked like someone who was staring certain death in the face and it unnerved Trixie.

“You know you don’t have to –“ Trixie started, willing to give Katya an out even if she desperately wanted to see what had been keeping Katya away from her for so long.

“No, don’t give me the option to not show you. I have to do this.”

Trixie nodded. That was something she could relate to, the feeling of having to just do or say something to keep it from suffocating you entirely.

 

Trixie didn’t remember one bit from her classes that day. She gave up on taking notes halfway through her first one when she realized she had been writing the same sentence five times in a row and that that one sentence didn’t even make any sort of sense. She considered skipping her two last classes, and if she was honest, the only reason she didn’t do so was because Katya was picking her up after the last one. Which was stupid, because that was also the reason she couldn’t focus in the first place.

Her mind was fully occupied of Katya. That in itself wasn’t anything new. Katya was on Trixie’s mind pretty much all the time. It wasn’t always anything big or specific. Most of the time, she would see something, and it would remind her of Katya, or someone would say something in a manner Trixie related to Katya or someone would wear the same shade of red lipstick as the one Katya used and then Trixie would be a lost cause. One tiny thing would make her spiral and soon she would be thinking about Katya’s smile and perfect teeth, or her laugh, or which joke Trixie would make if Katya was with her and how it hopefully would send her arms flailing and she would proceed to hit Trixie or grab her hand and claim that she really truly hated her and Trixie would feel her stomach drop when their skin connected.

The thing was, usually Trixie could snap out of it, bring herself back to reality, but on that particular day it was like someone had made an eight-hour long slideshow consisting only of thoughts of Katya and pressed play without showing Trixie the pause button.

It didn’t help that she inevitably felt jittery about seeing the paintings only because of how Katya had acted the day before and she would make up all kinds of scenarios in her head about what was painted and how everything would go down when Trixie finally saw the pictures and most of those scenarios were embarrassing and unlikely but Trixie liked to think about them, anyway.

Trixie was so in her head she barely even noticed when her last class ended, and she only stood up when Pearl snapped her fingers in front of her and stated that class was over and was she okay? Trixie nodded said something unintelligible and went to pack up her things before she realized she hadn’t even unpacked them in the first place.

Katya was pacing outside her classroom and the fact that she only sent Trixie a strained, nervous smile, not the huge, beaming one Trixie was used to receiving made Trixie’s heart drop.

The sight of real-life Katya seemed to put a stop to the livestreaming of the imaginary version of her though and for the first time that day Trixie felt present.

“You ready?” She asked, trying to sound light and breezy and everything but nervous, hoping it would somehow help settle Katya’s nerves.

“As ready as I’ll ever be,” Katya said, smiling a brief smile that didn’t reach her eyes.

“Then lead the way.”

Katya did and the two of them walked in silence. Trixie kept glancing over at Katya, wanting to break the silence, crack a joke maybe, but she never did.

Silences with Katya had never been uncomfortable, and it wasn’t that this one was uncomfortable. It just wasn’t easy.

“Right.” Katya stared at the door in front of her. She put her hands in her pockets but removed them immediately, clasping them together, then just gave up and let them hang lifeless down her sides. “Uhm. Okay. Just. Please don’t – I couldn’t…” she trailed off, drummed her hands on her thighs, looked at Trixie, then looked away again.

Trixie reached out and grabbed one of Katya’s fidgeting hands and gave it a slight tug. Katya met her gaze and sighed.

“Let’s go in,” Trixie suggested, because Katya seemed incapable of it.

“Yes.” Katya nodded. “Yes.”

Trixie opened the door and trailed after Katya as she led the way towards her paintings. She hadn’t needed to, Trixie noticed them right away. She noticed them because she was in every single one.

Trixie kept looking from Katya to the paintings, mouth slightly agape, not really comprehending what she was seeing.

Then she stepped closer to inspect them properly, letting her hands run along the sides of them, taking in every detail of each one.

On the first one, Trixie saw herself, her body in profile, angry and red-faced, chest puffed out, leaning slightly forward staring at who Trixie recognized to be Ava and Juliet. Trixie had beautiful, feathery wings sprouting from her back, huge and so softly pink they almost melted together with the white that was radiating off of her, standing in stark contrast to the otherwise bright red background. The word SAFETY painted in bold, black letters repeated over and over framed the painting.

In the next one Trixie and Katya were hugging, Katya’s hands curled into Trixie’s shirt holding on as if her life depended on. The painting was black and white, except for blue streaks flowing from Katya’s eyes into a puddle beneath them, acting as a sort of cloud both of them were standing on, keeping them afloat midair. Where Katya’s heart would have been the word RELIEF was repeated in red letters, curling into itself, becoming smaller and smaller until it was impossible to make out that it was a word at all.

On the next painting the two of them were seen from above lying in a bed. Trixie was lying on her side, her back to Katya, eyes closed, mouth slightly agape, one leg exposed, the other buried beneath her duvet. Katya was on her back, on top of the covers, head turned towards Trixie, staring at her, a somewhat sad expression on her face. Her hand was extended towards Trixie, almost touching her, but not quite. The word LONGING was tattooed on her arm, the word covering all of it, the letters getting longer and longer the closer they got to her hand.

The painting besides it closely resembled the other one. Katya and Trixie were still on a bed, but here both of them were lying uncovered and facing each other, their fingers intertwined. Trixie was sleeping in this one too, looking peaceful and far more beautiful than she knew she looked in real life. Katya still had her gaze fixed on Trixie, but her melancholic expression had been exchanged with a tender smile and soft eyes. HOPE was written all over the mattress in a mild blue, surrounding them both, almost caressing them.

On the next one, everything in black and white and bold, think lines, Trixie saw herself in a crowd of silhouettes, kissing the brunette she had met briefly at New Years. Both of them had their arms around each other and seemed to try to push into each other so much they would become one. From the waist down, they did. Everything started melting into black drops, eventually covering the bottom third of the painting entirely in black. LONELINESS was written in white, the word’s brightness screaming at Trixie.

Trixie was staring right at herself on the next one. Katya had painted her from her navel and up and Trixie was completely naked. The word SHAME covered her nipples, but everything else was exposed. She was biting her lip, eyes cast downwards, head tilted backwards. She looked on edge, like she was breathless and floating all at once. Her hair was messy, her lipstick was smudged and she had red stains trailing down her neck. She looked like someone on the verge of discovering the secrets of the universe.

The last one pictured a close up of Trixie laughing. She didn’t have any makeup on, her skin was almost golden and a smear of freckles was spread across her nose. Trixie had never seen herself laughing, but she was sure that Katya had captured exactly how she looked doing it despite that. She was also sure she didn’t look this angelic while laughing in reality. The background was varying shades of pink mixing into each other, a little yellow and orange thrown in here and there. She was wearing a silver necklace with the word LOVE written in capital letters and she looked so, so beautiful.

Trixie had no idea how long she stared at the paintings. It was mesmerizing seeing herself through Katya’s eyes and she felt entirely undeserving of it. Her body was buzzing from head to toe and her heart had doubled in size. At first, the only coherent thought she was able to form was Katya, which evolved into Katya and love and the correlation between the two, and then she turned around to look at her, and finally, finally, as her gaze landed on Katya, everything clicked into place. A small sigh escaped her, and it felt like she had been carrying the weight of the world and just figured out she didn’t have to, and it felt like seeing colors for the first time, and it felt like sprouting wings and taking flight.

“Trixie, I – “ Katya’s voice was shaky and barely audible and the sound of it so fragile sent Trixie into motion. She stepped closer to Katya and very slowly raised her hands and cupped Katya’s face, thumbs stroking her cheeks. She held her gently, as if she was made of glass and if you applied too much pressure she would simply break.

“I’m sorry,” Trixie breathed. “I didn’t know.” Then she leaned forward, heart in her throat, and pressed her lips against Katya’s ever so softly. Katya didn’t react at first and for a fleeting moment Trixie thought she had read everything wrong and could feel panic rising in her chest as she started to pull away, an apology on her lips.

“No,” Katya rasped hoarsely, gripping at Trixie’s waist, pulling her back towards herself and then they were kissing again. They were kissing like the world was ending and they were standing on the doorsteps of death and this was the only way to cling onto life. And maybe, in that moment, it was.

Trixie completely lost track of time. The sun could have risen and set a million times and time could have stopped and she would have been none the wiser. At that point, the only thing Trixie truly cared about was Katya, and she had Katya right there between her hands and she was never letting go and she was feeling so alive and real and happy and nothing else really mattered.

Kissing Katya was nothing like the descriptions of fireworks and butterflies that were usually tied to kissing, because none of them even come close to describing what she felt when kissing Katya. It felt like Trixie hadn’t been living until just now, like the moment their lips touched was the first time Trixie had started breathing. She poured everything she had and was in to those kisses in hopes that Katya would feel like that, too. Like breathing separate air from Trixie wasn’t even an option anymore. Like she wanted to become one with her.

“I’m sorry,” Trixie gasped in-between kisses, and she hoped Katya knew everything that she was apologizing for even if Trixie herself didn’t.

“Don’t be,” Katya whispered in return and Trixie could feel the words against her lips, setting her free.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There ya go! Happy halloween lesbians, bisexuals and other wlws, this was a little treat from me to you, so I hope you're all satisfied now. Let me know what you thought about the chapter and come say hi on tumblr! I'm @moonmemory <3


	15. tell me when you hear my heart stop

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “What?” Trixie asked, with a crooked smile and pink cheeks.  
> Katya smiled and shook her head. “Nothing,” she said. “I just can’t believe this is real.”  
> “It’s real.” Trixie tugged on Katya’s hand, and let her thumb brush over Katya’s knuckles. “It’s so very real.”  
> “I know,” Katya replied with a content sigh before leaning in and letting their lips brush quickly, making Trixie’s stomach do somersaults.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is the chapter four weeks late? Yes. Do I have any good excuses? No. Do I promise the next chapter won't be four weeks late? Also no.  
> (I am trying to complete nanowrimo with another project to be fair - also trixya - so most of my time for writing is going with that. I promise I'm gonna finish this though)

Some part of Trixie was touching Katya from when they left the art room until the next morning and she felt an electric current flowing from where their skin met a million times stronger than usually.

Trixie also couldn’t stop smiling and she would have felt a little manic if it hadn’t been for the fact that she was seeing her own smile reflected on Katya’s face. Katya was staring at Trixie unabashedly and Trixie felt herself blush slightly every time she caught Katya looking, which meant she had a more or less permanent blush stuck on her face.

“What?” Trixie asked, with a crooked smile and pink cheeks.

Katya smiled and shook her head. “Nothing,” she said. “I just can’t believe this is real.”

“It’s real.” Trixie tugged on Katya’s hand, and let her thumb brush over Katya’s knuckles. “It’s so very real.”

“I know,” Katya replied with a content sigh before leaning in and letting their lips brush quickly, making Trixie’s stomach do somersaults.

“What do we do now?” Trixie asked once they broke apart, the kiss making her brave.

Katya shifted, resting her head on one hand, the other still intertwined with Trixie’s. “What do you mean?”

“Uh,” Trixie started, all boldness suddenly leaving her, making plenty of room for doubt and what ifs. “I mean do we – are we – is this…” She cleared her throat and averted her gaze. “What is this?”

“Oh,” Katya said, understanding dawning on her face. “I mean, I hope – I hope that this is…”

“Yes?” Trixie said, looking back at Katya, hope filling every part of her body. Katya let her eyes roam over Trixie’s face and a small smile graced her face before she answered.

“I want to do this. To be with you.”

Trixie’s heart did something funny and her stomach dropped, and she looked at Katya with what was probably a dopey expression. “Okay,” Trixie said and then she was grinning.

Katya visibly relaxed and started grinning, too. “Okay,” she echoed.

“Does this mean I get to call you my girlfriend?” Trixie asked and couldn’t help but smile broader at the sound of that. Girlfriend. She had a _girlfriend_.

“Fuck yes,” Katya said and then they were kissing again and Trixie felt breathless and giddy.

 

Trixie had what was probably the best sleep of her life that night. She fell asleep with Katya cuddled in her arms and couldn’t remember a time where she had ever felt so happy. Both she and Katya were almost late for their first classes next morning, but Trixie found that she really didn’t care about that. She had a hard time concentrating that day, too, and it was still because of Katya. This day though, she finally allowed herself to think all of the things she had tried to repress for so long, and was zoning out more often than not. In the class before lunch she was temporarily brought out of her daydreaming by the buzzing in her pocket.

 

 **Adore** : yo wanna grab lunch?

 **Trixie** : yeah sure!

 **Adore** : cool

 **Adore** : pizza?

 **Trixie** : is that even a question?

 **Adore** : lol no. meet there at 12?

 **Trixie** : sounds good

 

“Hey bitch!” Adore called as she spotted Trixie, her usual big smile plastered on her face, but with a look of something else, something like excitement or knowledge in her eyes.

“Hey!” Trixie said and pulled her in for a hug.

“Fuck, I missed you. Isn’t that stupid? We’re literally roommates.” Adore laughed and let go of Trixie, who just rolled her eyes.

“It is stupid.” She looked at Adore with a serious expression before cracking a smile. “I missed you too.”

“Good!” Adore laughed. “Now let’s eat some fucking pizza!”

They did just that, deciding to split a pizza and a portion of fries between them. Adore kept looking at Trixie like she wanted to say something, but Trixie got the feeling she never asked what she wanted. That was until Adore tentatively muttered “So, did uh Katya show you her paintings?” and Trixie was pretty sure she knew.

“Yeah,” Trixie said and while she had wanted to tease Adore a little and keep her face straight, it was impossible for her to do so and think of the paintings at the same time. She ended up biting her lip in an attempt to hide her smile, but she knew she wasn’t successful.

“And?” Adore prompted leaning forward.

“I loved them.” Trixie was full-on grinning now. She leaned a little forward, as if she was letting Adore in on a secret, which, she supposed, she was, and said with a soft voice, “I kissed her.”

Adore’s mouth fell comically open for a few seconds before a huge smile spread on her face. “Dude, are you for real? Fucking finally!”

“Yeah,” was all Trixie could think of to say, because Adore was probably right.

“Alaska and Vanjie owe me 10 bucks each.”

Trixie raised one brow and crossed her arms. “You guys made bets on us?”

“Fuck yeah we did. Alaska thought you wouldn’t figure your shit out until we got back from summer break and Vanjie changed her bet after New Years to sometime in the next two weeks after that tequila showdown between you and Kat. She lost the bet, obviously.” Adore was grinning and stuffed a small handful of fries into her mouth.

“You’re pathetic,” Trixie told her, but she was grinning too. “You better split your money with me, I’m the reason you’re getting paid in the first place.”

“I’ll buy you a drink bitch,” Adore said, but it was slightly muffled by the food still in her mouth.

“I’ll take it.”

 

Later that night Trixie went to Katya’s room and as soon as Bianca spotted her, she got up said “Well that’s my que to leave, please don’t fuck on my bed,” and left.

“I’m guessing you told her?” Trixie asked when the door shut behind Bianca.

Katya nodded with an amused smile on her face. “She was really happy for me I think, despite whatever that made it look like.”

“Oh no, that was Bianca being happy for us, no doubt.” Trixie said with a crooked smile. “We should probably tell the others soon, too. Right?” Trixie asked and started making her way towards Katya.

“Yeah, that’d probably be best,” Katya agreed from where she was sitting.

“How do you wanna do it?” Trixie asked and leaned down when she reached Katya, letting their lips meet for a few seconds. “Also hi.”

“Hi,” Katya breathed back, eyes glistening. “I dunno. Can’t we just like send them a photo of us kissing and then let that be that? I’m lazy and don’t wanna tell everyone individually.”

Trixie laughed and shook her head. “Sure babe.”

“Great!”

Trixie’s eyebrows lifted in surprise as Katya got out her phone. “Wait you wanna do it now?”

“Yes? I mean unless you don’t want to – “

“No no, let’s do it.” Trixie looked at Katya, a smile playing on her lips.

“Okay, come here then,” Katya said, patting on her lap.

“You want me to sit on you?” Trixie asked with one arched brow.

Katya wiggled her own up and down a few times before cracking up.

“You’re horrible,” Trixie told her with a laugh as she followed Katya’s instructions and proceeded to sit down on Katya’s lap.

“Uhh, sexy,” Katya commented, and it sounded half like a joke and half like the truth.

“Focus,” Trixie ordered Katya with, which only made Katya smirk more. “No I mean it Kat! We’re on a mission here.”

“Right, sorry you’re just so… Anyway.” Katya opened up the camera. “You ready?”

Instead of answering Trixie closed the gap between them, one hand nuzzling Katya’s neck, the other resting on her chest. Katya snaked one arm around Trixie’s middle and they kissed for far longer than was necessary to get a photo, though she suspected Katya might forget about them. Trixie sure did after a few seconds.

Katya did actually take pictures, which Trixie was somewhat surprised by, and got a little swat from Katya followed by a laugh when she told her this. Most of them were blurry though and then ended up having two useable ones left.

“I like number two the best,” Trixie said thoughtfully after they had been scrolling between the two of them for several minutes. “You?”

“I don’t know. I’m fine with either, so if you prefer number two, let’s just go with that one.”

“Okay. Do you want the honors?”

“I sure do Barbara,” Katya said and opened up the groupchat. “Last chance to back out.”

“Not happening,” Trixie told Katya and then Katya pressed send.

 

** mulan is best **

**_Katya Kahlo_ ** _sent a picture_

 **A difficult bitch** : why are you sending a picture of two people kissing??

 **A difficult bitch** : WAIT

 **A difficult bitch** : OMG

 **A difficult bitch** : are my eyes betraying me or is that you and @ **Trixie** ????

 **Trixie** : :)

 **Vanjie** : W H A T

 **A difficult bitch** : holy shit

 **Vanjie** : trixie you figured it out??? girl i swear

 **Trixie** : did everyone but me just know i was in love with katya or what?

 **Vanjie** : yes

 **A difficult bitch** : yes

 **Hopefully a Teletubby** : yes

 **Katya Kahlo** : i didn’t but i had my hopes

 **Trixie** : oh well

 **Hopefully a Teletubby** : also @ **A difficult bitch** @ **Vanjie** you owe me!!

 **Vanjie** : i don’t know what you’re talking about

 **Courtney** : OMG CONGRATULATIONS

 **Trixie** : thank you court <3

 **A difficult bitch** : fine i’ll paypal you 10 bucks you fuck

 **Hopefully a Teletubby** : yess thanks laska

 **Courtney** : i’m so happy for you guys, you deserve it!!

 **A difficult bitch** : couldn’t you have waited a few more months @ **Trixie** @ **Katya Kahlo**

 **Katya Kahlo** : sorry no i was already close to dying

 **Bianca del Meano** : it’s true and so was i by extension

 **Katya Kahlo** : i didn’t complain that much

 **Bianca del Meano** : you fully had a one hour breakdown about that dress trixie was wearing one day

 **Katya Kahlo** : shut up

 **Trixie** : which dress? asking for scientific reasons

 **Bianca del Meano** : as far as i can recall it was light pink, sequined and figure hugging and it made you look “like a goddess”

 **Trixie** : the more you know right

 **Bianca del Meano** : you’re still not allowed to fuck on my bed

 **Katya Kahlo** : damn

 

“I want to take you out, on a real date,” Katya said suddenly and totally out of the blue. Trixie was typing away on her computer in Katya’s bed, back against the wall and her feet in Katya’s lap. The words made her look away from the screen and her face light up.

“I could possibly be persuaded,” Trixie told Katya with a grin.

Katya smiled at Trixie and it looked a little dangerous. “How much persuasion is needed?”

“I’m not sure yet,” Trixie said, her bright smile transforming into one more teasing.

“Oh I bet you don’t. How about you put that thing away and we find out?”

“How about I type real fast for the next half hour and you pray really hard to some god that I’ll be able to finish this outline in thirty minutes and then we figure out how much persuasion is needed?”

Katya laughed, but clapped her hands together in a prayer. “Fine. Dear some God, please give miss Beatrice Mattel the power to type faster than any human has typed before and the insight and knowledge to finish this outline in thirty minutes, preferably less. Amen and good day.”

Trixie screeched a laugh and prodded Katya with her feet. “You’re crazy.”

“It’s part of my charm, I like to think.”

Trixie did not finish her outline in thirty minutes but Katya had set a timer and only just let Trixie save the document before she closed Trixie’s laptop and placed herself in its place. They quickly found out that not a lot of persuasion was needed and so Trixie found herself in a crisis a few days later, her closet more or less emptied and spread across her and Adore’s room.

She was lying on the floor staring defeatedly at the ceiling when Adore walked in. “Dude. The fuck.”

Trixie rolled her head to the side, looking at Adore. “The date is today. And I don’t know what to wear.”

Adore rolled her eyes. “She’s already your girlfriend bitch. You do know you could wear a literal trashbag and Katya would still think you were the sexiest person in the room, right?”

“Yes,” Trixie said, “but I actually do wanna be the sexiest person in the room.”

“Right, that’s fair. What are your options?”

Trixie raised a brow and flapped her arms a bit. “Take a look.”

Adore did, and slowly she started putting the mess into piles. “Where is that dress that Katya apparently had a breakdown over?”

“It’s dirty,” Trixie muttered with a sigh. “Otherwise I’d obviously be wearing that one.”

“Right,” Adore said and continued sorting through Trixie’s clothes.

“What did you wear on your first date with Bianca?”

“A black dress and some fishnets I think? And a flannel.” Adore shrugged. “It was a nice black dress though.”

“I bet.”

“Bianca thought so too. You know she was actually really close to ruining it when– “

Trixie held her hands over her ears, closed her eyes and really loudly told Adore “I don’t wanna know! I do not want to know!”

“Whatever man. She liked it, that’s all I wanted to say. But I’m pretty sure she would have liked whatever I wore.”

Trixie hummed in response and moved her gaze back to the ceiling.

 

“Okay,” Adore said after some time, all of Trixie’s clothes now in messy piles. “This is the no pile, this is the it could be sexy pile, and this is the very sexy you will get you laid pile.” Adore gestured to each pile and Trixie slowly started to get up from her spot on the floor.

She started going through the very sexy will get you laid pile, because while her goal was not to get laid it was to be sexy, so that seemed the most sensible.

“No dude,” Adore said when Trixie kept taking up a dress and hold it out in front of herself, before she inevitably would discard it. “You have to try it on, otherwise you won’t know how it’ll actually look. How you’ll _feel_ , you know.”

Trixie followed Adore’s advice and while she at first thought it was stupid and a waste of time, after a few dresses she started seeing the point, as some of the dresses she had thrown away without a second thought the first time around suddenly looked a lot more appealing.

After trying on most things twice, she settled on a golden, glittery dress that was so short it would show off her ass if she lifted her arms up too high and with a cut that showed of her cleavage in a way that was on the verge of too much. She then proceeded to use way too long on her hair and make-up, but she still finished half an hour before Katya was supposed to pick her up, and found herself being unreasonably nervous for someone going on a date with their established girlfriend.

“Trixie, my dude, my guy, will you please calm the fuck down, all you pacing is making me nervous,” Adore said after ten minutes of Trixie silently walking around in circles.

Trixie sat down on her bed, frustrated with herself. “Right. Sorry. I don’t even know why I’m nervous.”

“Bitch me neither. I think you could literally murder someone, and Katya would be like, ‘oh well, that happens.’ She’s so gone for you.”

Trixie let out a sigh. “Right. Please distract me?”

A grin spread across Adore’s face, and next she knew Trixie was watching some series that Adore said wasn’t really all that good, but it had lesbians who were still alive, so she still watched it, and it worked wonderfully at distracting Trixie, especially with Adore’s commentary and explanations about pretty much every character. Adore was in the middle of a rant about why it was super important to have good, undead representation in the media when a couple loud knocks interrupted her and made Trixie’s heartrate speed up.

“How do I look?” Trixie whispered turning around for Adore while making her way towards the door.

“Very fuckable,” Adore said with a grin. Trixie snorted and opened the door.

As she saw Katya her brain must have had some kind of malfunction, because her brain was empty of all thought. Katya was wearing a suit in a deep red color that matched her lipstick. Her hair was straight and slicked back, her eyes bluer than usual and she looked so hot the only thing Trixie could do was stare at her with her mouth hanging slightly open. What consoled Trixie was that Katya’s mouth was agape too, eyes blinking ferociously, a look of disbelief on her face.

“This is not fair,” Trixie complained once she somewhat gathered her bearings gesturing wildly at Katya.

“No,” Katya said, her hands making out Trixie’s shape, “ _this_ is not fair.”

“Either tell me to leave so you can fuck or get on with your date,” Adore muttered.

“We’re leaving, calm your tits,” Katya told Adore, before reaching for Trixie’s hand. “You ready to go?” Trixie nodded, said goodbye to Adore and followed Katya out, butterflies in her stomach.

“Where are we going?” She asked, but Katya refused to tell her, just kept on saying stuff like _it’s a surprise_ and _you’ll see_.

Half an hour later Katya drove Bianca’s car down a small side road and a house, that looked more and more like a cottage the closer they got, came into view.

“Wow,” Trixie breathed once they were close enough that she could take in the details. It had fairy lights strung up all around in the outside sitting area, where a surprising number of guests were seated. Every table was candlelit and when they stepped outside, Trixie instantly took notice of the small band consisting of a pianist, a guitarist and a violinist playing soothing tones on a small platform.

“Katya this is amazing,” Trixie said with a look of awe. “How the hell did you find this place?”

“I have my ways,” Katya said with a grin, which made Trixie roll her eyes and give Katya a small bump with her shoulder before grabbing her hand. “I bet you do.”

They were showed to their table after Katya stated her name and as they walked through the crowd Trixie was relieved to see that this apparently was a place where everyone dressed up and where she for once wasn’t overdressed.

They had barely opened the menu cards when a waiter came by with a basket of steaming bread and asked if they would like any recommendations for wine, which Trixie politely refused with a smile in Katya’s direction.

As soon as he left both of them reached for the bread.

“Oh my God,” Trixie exclaimed, “I could literally just eat this and be happy.”

“Same,” Katya agreed, a blissful look in her eyes. “This is probably the best bread I’ve ever had.”

“This is definitely the best bread I’ve had, and a lot of my mom’s friends were really into the whole bread-making thing, so that’s saying something.”

They used way too long to decide what to order, everything sounding good. At one point Trixie was tempted to ask how much they would have to pay to just eat unlimited bread.

“So,” Katya said once they had run out of bread, “I told my parents about us.”

“Did you?” Trixie asked, eyes big. “How did it go?”

“Really well, I think. They had suspected something was up between us and my mom said she had been 90 percent sure I was in love with you when you stayed with us for Christmas. She wasn’t as sure about you, so she was pleased it worked out in my favor.”

Trixie laughed. “I can’t believe you were so obviously in love with me your _parents_ noticed.”

“Well,” Katya said with a crooked smile, “it’s not really like I was trying to hide it.”

“You weren’t?” Trixie asked with arched brows.

“No,” Katya said with a laugh. “Trixie I literally tried to kiss you.”

“You did?” Trixie asked, feeling really quite confused. “When?”

“That first night. And then you ran away. God, I was so embarrassed. I thought for sure I’d fucked everything up. Turns out, you really just were that oblivious.” Katya laughed again.

“I think I knew,” Trixie admitted, “somewhere deep down. I just wasn’t ready to admit it to myself yet. I think I always kind of knew.”

“Well I always knew.” Trixie’s stomach did a flip at that. “You know, I almost had a heart attack that day in the kindergarten, when I first saw you. And I was like, this is fine, this is cool, she’s just pretty, we probably won’t even get on, and then it turns out you’re the funniest bitch on the goddamn planet and I was a goner.”

Trixie leaned forward and grin across her face. “Oh please do keep telling me how amazing I am and how much in love with me you are.”

“Gladly,” Katya said but was interrupted when their food was served and Trixie was left with her imagination to fill out the blanks of Katya’s adoration.

“I think,” Trixie said and swallowed her food, “you’ve managed to find what might be the best restaurant in the world. This is so good.”

“It really is, isn’t it?” Katya asked, looking just as satisfied as Trixie felt.

Trixie nodded, then started swirling a generous bite of pasta around her fork. “Here, you have to taste this.” Katya didn’t answer only leaned forward and opened her mouth with glistening eyes.

Trixie grinned and leaned forward too, slowly leading the fork towards Katya mouth.

“Oh,” Katya sighed, and closed her eyes. “Wow yes.”

Trixie unabashedly watched Katya eat it, her eyes drinking in every detail. The little quirk of Katya’s mouth every time she chewed, how her nostrils expanded just a little, her dark eyelashes resting against her cheekbones. When Katya opened her eyes again they found Trixie’s right away and something inside Trixie shifted into place. She didn’t know how to put it into words, so she just smiled softly at Katya and tucked a lose strand of hair behind her ear. Katya reached across the table and intertwined their fingers and for a few moments they just sat like that, neither of them saying anything, just looking at each other in the glow of candles and fairy lights and Trixie felt her heart grow.

 

Katya insisted on them getting their dessert to go, though Trixie wasn’t sure why. She also tried to pay for their dinner by herself, which Trixie wasn’t having any of and after a heated discussion got Katya to agree to split the bill evenly.

Katya carefully placed their two pieces of chocolate cake in the backseat and drove them back towards campus, one hand on the steering wheel, the other holding Trixie’s. The car ride was mostly silent, but Trixie didn’t mind it. She liked watching Katya with no distractions.

She was surprised though when Katya pulled out a basket from the trunk and started making her way towards the school buildings instead of the dorms.

“I’m guessing asking where we’re going isn’t gonna get me any answers?”

“Good guess,” Katya said with a grin.

Trixie realized where they were going when the main building came into sight, and true enough, a few minutes later they found themselves on the rooftop. Katya spread out a soft blanket and placed the cake and a bottle of sparkling water on it, then held out another blanket for Trixie to wrap around herself.

They ate the cake slowly, talking between each bite. Trixie had a fit of laughter when Katya managed to get cake on her forehead, and brushed it away when she took pity on Katya who somehow seemed unable to wipe it off herself.

“This is where it started, isn’t it?” Trixie asked, stabbing at her cake.

“I like to think so,” Katya said. “It’s where it became something more than just admiration for me at least.”

“Yeah,” Trixie agreed. “Me too. I think that was the first time I had such a long conversation without hoping for it to please end soon.”

Katya laughed. “Well, I’m happy I could provide you with some meaningful conversation.”

“No, I’m serious! That’s when I knew you were special.”

“Oh, is it time for you to tell me how wonderful I am?” Katya asked with a big smile.

“It could be. Though I’m sure you know you’re the kindest, strongest, most beautiful and intelligent person I know.”

“I am?” Katya asked, sounding a little surprised at Trixie’s sincerity.

“Yeah. No one’s even close to you.”

“Oh.”

They looked at the stars for some time after they finished the cake but looking at the stars transformed into looking at each other which turned into making out until Trixie’s lips were swollen.

She loved it though. Every part of it.

“Thanks for tonight,” she told Katya, when both of them had replaced their fancy wear with a comfortable, oversized t-shirt. “It was perfect.”

“Not bad for a first date, right?” Katya asked, face only centimeters from Trixie’s.

“Not bad at all,” Trixie agreed and pressed her lips against Katya’s, not caring about their swollenness.

 

Trixie had been pretty good a keeping in touch with Jonathan. They talked at least every other week about this and that and Trixie found herself confiding more and more in Nate about everything. Everything but her sexuality and Katya. It wasn’t that she thought he would shut her out or stop calling her, not when she thought about it logically. He lived with Nick who was gay, too, after all. She just never could find the right time to bring it up, and when she thought this is it, I’m going to tell him now, she never did.

At first, when she had figured it all out, it was fine. It was all new and she knew she didn’t owe it to anyone to tell them about her sexuality. But a lot of time had passed since then and she had kissed Katya and now Katya was her girlfriend and every time she talked to Nate it felt like she was lying.

The worst part was, he had noticed how happy she was. When he asked about it, Trixie had given a noncommittal answer, giving some stupid reason that had nothing to do with the truth and proceeded to complain to Katya about her cowardice afterwards because that had obviously been the perfect time for her to tell him, and yet she hadn’t.

Katya had kissed her forehead and told her she would tell him when she was ready and that she shouldn’t pressure herself to do so before she was, and Trixie grew fonder of Katya even though it didn’t feel like that was possible.

 

Trixie was talking with Jonathan a few weeks before the end of the school year, their conversation quickly steering towards Nate’s upcoming graduation.

“So the plan is just a small party. Like you, mom and, ugh, probably Gary right, and then Frances and her parents, the boys. Just chill, nothing big,” Nate told her through the speaker, the sounds of him chopping away at vegetables audible in the background.

“That sounds great,” Trixie said. It was implied the great part did not include Gary. “I can’t wait to meet Frances.”

She had spoken to Frances a few times over the phone and once through FaceTime and the two had gotten along grandly to Jonathan’s relief. Trixie knew she usually got along better with people when she was with them face to face, so she honestly really was looking forward to meeting her.

“I can’t wait for you to meet her, either. You know, you can bring someone if you want to. Exams are over by then anyway.” Nate said it casually, but Trixie’s heart sped up anyway. That someone he was referring to didn’t even have to be someone of a romantic interest. Trixie knew he would be just as happy for her to bring one or two friends, but her mind inevitably went directly to Katya. It always did.

“Maybe,” Trixie said, but she had paused for too long so it didn’t sound nearly as nonchalant as she had hoped it would and her voice was a little high-pitched.

“Maybe?” Nate echoed, the question clear in his voice.

“Uh, yeah. I might bring someone.” Trixie stood up, suddenly feeling very restless and started pacing back and forth.

“A special someone?” He asked and Trixie could imagine his exact expression.

“Yes.” The sound of chopping stopped.

“Who?” He pressed, clearly not letting Trixie slide by. To be honest, it was probably for the best. It made it easier, somehow.

Trixie stopped walking. “My girlfriend,” she said and closed her eyes, bracing herself.

Jonathan was quiet for several seconds and Trixie could feel tears building up by his lack of response.

“You have a girlfriend?” He asked and then he started laughing. “Trixie that’s amazing!”

Trixie let out a shaky breath. “It is?”

“Definitely! I’m happy for you sis.”

A smile spread over Trixie’s face and she felt an unimaginable relief course through her body. “Me too.”

“Who is it?” Nate questioned and, from the sounds of it, resumed his cooking adventures.

Trixie’s smile broadened. “Katya.”

“Katya! I fucking knew it. How long have you two been a thing?”

“Not long. Almost a month.”

“Oh. I thought… never mind.”

Trixie chuckled. “Apparently you and everyone but me thought so, so don’t go around thinking you’re special.”

“Whew, well that’s a relief.”

“What? That you’re not special? Do I really have to keep reminding you of that? _You’re not special, Jonathan_ ,” Trixie said, the last part in a nasal voice.

Jonathan groaned. “I sometimes forget how mean you are.”

“What?” Trixie exclaimed, voice dripping with fake exasperation. “I could never be mean!”

“And a liar, too.”

“Oh shut it,” Trixie muttered, but she was laughing, so the words didn’t have much of an effect at all.

“Okay, well feel free to bring your girlfriend. Just let me know.”

“I will,” Trixie told him. “I gotta go, talk soon?”

“You know it,” Nate said. “Love you.”

“I love you too,” Trixie responded and then hung up, feeling lighter than ever.

 

“Katya?” Trixie asked later that evening, Katya’s back pressed against her, Trixie’s arms wrapped around Katya’s middle.

“Trixie?” Katya answered.

“What are your plans two weeks from now?”

Katya shifted slightly and Trixie could feel her every movement. “I don’t know. Nothing specific. Why?”

“Uh, well I spoke to Nate today. And I told him. About us, I mean.”

“What?” Katya exclaimed, and moved so she could look at Trixie, a look of pride all over her face. “How did it go?”

“Really well,” Trixie said with a smile and a fluttering stomach. “He said that I could bring you to his graduation party, if I wanted. And I mean, it’d be nice to have you there, but I totally get it if you don’t wanna go or if you already have –“

“No Trixie, I’d love to! I really want to meet your brother.”

“You sure?” Trixie asked.

“I feel like I should be the one asking you that question,” Katya said with a raised brow. “Your mom and stepdad will be there won’t they?”

“They will,” Trixie confirmed.

“Okay. I just need to know if I’m going as your girlfriend or your friend, because I totally get it if you’re not ready – “

“You’re going as my girlfriend,” Trixie told Katya before she had time to finish the sentence.

“Really?” Katya looked at her, eyes seemingly looking for any hint of insecurities. She wouldn’t find any, because for once, Trixie didn’t care. Jonathan had accepted her and while she would like the approval of her mom, she found that she wasn’t craving it as much as she had thought she would.

“Yes. Fuck them!” Trixie said, smiling and Katya instantly broke out into laughter.

Cupping Trixie’s face she said “God, you’re the craziest person I know.”

“You should try looking in a mirror then,” Trixie noted dryly, and leaned in to kiss her before Katya had the time to make any sort of comeback. Katya still tried mumbling I hate you between kisses, but it did kind of loose it’s edge when you took into consideration how eagerly she was returning Trixie’s kisses.

Adore walked in not long after and found them still making out on Trixie’s bed. She coughed loudly but Trixie only broke away from Katya long enough to tell Adore “I have walked in on you and Bianca doing things way more R-rated than this, so you gotta deal.”

“Fine, dude. Whatever.”

 

** mulan is best **

**A difficult bitch** : gals can we meet up for dinner tonight? court and i have a proposition for you bitches

 **Vanjie** : sure, i might be a bit late though i’m meeting with my stupid study group

 **Courtney** : you being late? unheard of

 **Vanjie** : oh fuck off

 **Bianca del Meano** : yes, though the proposition better be good

 **Trixie** : adore and i will be there, might be a bit late too, we’re recording something for class

 **A difficult bitch** : it’s fine, just come when you can

 **Katya Kahlo** : i can def meet up for dinner!!

 **Courtney** : great!! see you all later <3

 

Trixie and Adore arrived in the dining hall almost half an hour late, spotting their friends right away and making their way hurriedly towards them.

“Sorry we’re late,” Trixie said, a little out of breath. She stopped when she reached Katya to lean down and give her a brief kiss, before continuing towards the empty seat next to Alaska.

“Ew, PDA,” Bianca muttered just as she pulled Adore closer to give her a kiss as well.

“You’re such a hypocrite,” Katya told her laughing to which Bianca only shrugged.

“Okay,” Alaska said, drawing out the vowels, “so we didn’t ask to meet you guys just for the fun of it. This is a very serious business meeting.”

Courtney nodded solemnly, backing up Alaska’s point.

“We,” Alaska said and gestured between herself and Courtney, “have been talking about how much it fucking sucks still living in the dorms and how we refuse to do so next year as well. So we had the epiphany that all of us” she made a few circles with her index finger, “should find a house we could rent together. What do you think?”

It was quiet for a few moments, everyone taking in the suggestion. Trixie tried to imagine what it would be like, living with these girls, living with Katya for at least a year, and a slow smile spread across her face. She couldn’t help but look towards Katya and found that her gaze was already resting on Trixie. Katya raised an eyebrow and Trixie broadened her smile and sent Katya a small thumbs up.

“I think,” Bianca started, “it sounds horrible. Absolutely disgusting. When are we going house hunting?”

Everyone started talking at once after that, all agreeing that it would be an absolute blast and oh wow they could have so many house parties and they could finally eat whatever they wanted and have a hot shower no matter what time of the day it was and they wouldn’t have to deal with the fear of someone walking in on them having sex anymore and it sounded amazing and almost too good to be true.

“Okay,” Courtney said once they had all calmed somewhat down, though the excitement was still buzzing in the air. “I did some research.” She opened her bag and pulled out a stack of papers. “These are the houses that are currently rented by seniors and therefor need new residents next year, which has at least four bedrooms. I’ve written down the expected rent per person, though it might differ slightly based on how big of a room you get, how long it takes to get to campus and how good a chance I think we have of getting it.” She started sending the papers around and Trixie looked at each one with great care. They all discarded one of them right away because it was too expensive, and another one because it took too long to get to campus. That left them with four options.

“This one,” Courtney said, holding up house number three, “I think would be the best fit. It has six bedrooms, a huge living room, three bathrooms and a garden. It’s only a twenty-minute walk to campus, and while it’s not the cheapest one, Alaska has connections to some of the seniors currently living there, which would obviously be a huge benefit for us. We could probably set up a showing next week, and maybe, if we find it’s the right match, snatch it up before it’s even put on the market.”

Everyone agreed to Courtney’s well-thought-out plan and so five days later, the group found themselves in the driveway of a huge brickhouse. Alaska took the lead, knocking on the door which was opened by a hazy-looking guy with hair pointing in every direction.

“Yooo, Miss Alaska!” He grinned at her and held out his fist, which Alaska bumped her own against, saying, “Mr. Jason!” which both of them followed up by imitating the sound of a bomb.

“Alrighty ladies, this way.” Jason waved them inside and asked them to please take of their shoes, he had just vacuumed and Lauren would have a fit later if she came home and the house looked un-vacuumed.

With huge gestures and too many words showed them each room. The further the tour progressed, the more Trixie started picturing what life would be like in the house, and sure, it was probably the rosy version of it, but it tugged at her heartstrings and she felt herself longing for that life more and more with each second.

When they were shown one of the smaller rooms with a huge, beautiful window overlooking the garden and flowery tapestry, Trixie grabbed Katya’s hand and whispered, “This is the one,” which Katya agreed to with a sigh and a nod.

The rest of the tour felt slightly hazy and Trixie was unable to get the room out of her head, unable to stop seeing her and Katya living in it, cuddled up on a cheap bed, going through flashcards, Katya sketching, Trixie plucking away at her guitar, watching stupid movies and talking until their throats were sore and until it was so late they almost regretted it the next morning when the alarm clock tore them from a dreamless sleep.

They left the house not much later, Alaska with a promise to come by soon and catch up with Jason and said she’d call him once they had all talked it through but that they definitely were very interested and threatened that she would personally beat him up if he showed the house to anyone else. Jason agreed to her conditions with a grin and an you’re crazy, which Alaska didn’t even try to deny.

It turned out that everyone had the same feelings about the house that Trixie did and so not even an hour after they had left, Alaska called and said that they’d take the house, and could they meet sometime in the next two weeks, so they could figure out all the details before some of them went away on break?

It didn’t really dawn on Trixie that she would actually be living in that house until she was in bed, Adore snoring lightly in the bed across from her.

 

 **Trixie** : can you believe we’re actually gonna live there?

 **Katya** : no

 **Katya** : it seems a little too good to be true right?

 **Trixie** : it does

 **Trixie** : but so does everything lately

 **Katya** : i know what you mean

 **Trixie** : i’m just waiting for the moment where it all comes crashing down

 **Katya** : i don’t think it will. not this time

 **Trixie** : aren’t you the optimist?

 **Katya** : not usually

 **Trixie** : what’s different this time then?

 **Katya** : i thought that what obvious

 **Trixie** : ??

 **Katya** : i have you

 **Trixie** : oh

 **Katya** : yeah

 **~~Trixie~~ ** ~~: i love you~~

 **Trixie** : goodnight kat

 **Katya** : goodnight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Please let me know what you think and come say hi on tumblr! I'm @moonmemory <3


	16. satellite heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As soon as the ceremony was over Trixie hurried through the crowd, dragging Katya with her and more or less jumped into Nate’s arms.  
> “Oh my God!” She screamed.  
> “Oh my God!” Nate screamed back and the two of them kept going back and forth, Trixie hanging halfway of him, her cheeks hurting a little from smiling. It ended with both of them dissolving into uncontrollable laughter.  
> “You’re done! You did it! You fucking did it Nate!” Trixie exclaimed, still loud, but she didn’t care.  
> “I know! Fuck! I know!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A new chapter already? wow, who'd have thought!  
> Also, this chapter is a bit heavier than some of the others so TW for: implied and attempt at physical abuse as well as homophobic language. If you want to read this chapter but avoid that part you can skip from "The mood was high" to "The moment the door banged shut".  
> Happy reading and thank you so much for all your support, it means the world to me <3

Trixie had been sitting in the car clenching Katya’s hand for at least fifteen minutes.

“You know,” Katya said, “you don’t have to do this. It’s fine if you just wanna say we’re friends.”

Trixie considered it. She hated that she did so.

It would definitely be easier. It wouldn’t take the attention away from Nate. She might actually have a good conversation with her mom. She wouldn’t have to fear what everyone was saying whenever they were outside of earshot. Everyone being her mom and Gary. On the other hand, she was so proud to be with Katya and she wanted to show her off, to yell from rooftops that this was her girlfriend and that yes this was real life. Nate already knew and approved of them. If anyone had a problem with it, they were in the wrong, not Trixie and Katya.

Trixie turned her head and sought for Katya’s eyes. “We’re doing this,” she decided. “Now get out of the car before I turn it around and drive us back to Boston.”

Katya laughed and gave her hand a squeeze before she jumped out. Trixie let her head rest against the car seat, eyes closed for a few seconds, then followed Katya outside. As soon as she was close enough, Trixie grabbed her hand again and got a small smile in return from Katya.

All the graduates were sitting on neat rows of chairs, chatting excitedly amongst each other. Their chatter interweaved with that of the families, some sitting down facing the stage, others standing around in smaller and bigger circles.

Trixie walked slowly down the lines of chairs, looking left and right in hopes of spotting her mom. The longer she looked the more permanent she feared the crease forming between her brows became.

“I can’t see them,” Trixie said, sounding frustrated.

“Do you wanna walk another round?” Katya asked.

“Maybe. I’m gonna try texting her first.”

“Alright.”

 

**Trixie** : hey mom, where are you sitting? i can’t spot you

 

Both her and Katya looked at her phone hopefully, but no answer came.

“Weird,” Trixie muttered.

The uneasiness became too much after ten minutes of her and Katya hoovering at the edge of the crowd. Trixie informed Katya that she would call her mom. No one picked up the two first times and it went straight to voicemail the third time.

“I don’t like this,” Trixie confessed. Katya tugged on her hand.

“It’s gonna be alright. Why don’t we find some seats, we’re gonna see them at the party afterwards anyways, right?”

Trixie was quiet for a few moments, conflicted, before she agreed with a nod. Katya led the way, apologizing to everyone she even as much as brushed when going past them and Trixie couldn’t stop the affection she felt swelling up in her chest at that.

Generally speaking, the ceremony was boring. Trixie kept zoning out during the speeches and couldn’t keep her focus when an endless stream of overly joyed people stepped up on stage to receive their diploma and shake the Chancellors hand. She mindlessly doodled patterns on Katya’s palm with her fingers and only properly refocused when they started calling out last names beginning with a m. She wordlessly handed Katya her phone, the camera open and felt herself scoot to the edge of the seat with anticipation.

“Mattel, Jonathan,” was called and Trixie felt herself standing up clapping and whooping and feeling so proud. Jonathan found her in the crowd and his smile broaden just a little more, though that should have been impossible considering how big it already was.

As soon as the ceremony was over Trixie hurried through the crowd, dragging Katya with her and more or less jumped into Nate’s arms.

“Oh my God!” She screamed.

“Oh my God!” Nate screamed back and the two of them kept going back and forth, Trixie hanging halfway of him, her cheeks hurting a little from smiling. It ended with both of them dissolving into uncontrollable laughter.

“You’re done! You did it! You fucking did it Nate!” Trixie exclaimed, still loud, but she didn’t care.

“I know! Fuck! I know!”

The two of them marveled in his success for a few more moments, but then a girl’s voice shouted “Nate!” and Jonathan instantly turned towards her. Frances carefully pushed her way through the crowd, looking as proud as Trixie felt. “Congratulations sweetheart,” she said and pulled him down towards her, giving him a sweet kiss.

Frances was even more beautiful in real life. Her hair was long and naturally curly, almost reaching her waist. She wasn’t wearing any makeup and was dressed in a simple yellow dress. Trixie got why Nate had noticed her.

“Hi Trixie!” She said, turning towards her, and pulled Trixie in for a tight hug.

“Frances, hi, it’s so nice to finally meet you.”

“You too! You look really good.”

“Thanks, so do you. Yellow looks lovely on you,” Trixie told her sincerely.

“Thanks.”

Trixie grabbed Katya’s hand and pulled her a little closer. “This is Katya.”

Instantly Frances pulled Katya in for a hug too. “Katya! You’re Trixie’s girlfriend, right?”

“I am, yes,” Katya confirmed and shot Trixie a soft look. “You’re Jonathan’s?” Frances nodded. “Also, uh, hello, and big congrats and very nice to meet you, you did some very impressive walking on that stage, maybe the most convincing out of everyone,” Katya rambled, turning her gaze to Nate.

“It’s very nice to meet you too! I’ve heard loads about you.”

Katya’s brows raised slowly in interest, nerves apparently forgotten. “Oh have you now?”

“I have indeed. She’s a talker, that one,” Nate said and made a hand movement in Trixie’s general direction. “Also, I’m just letting you know right now that of you break my sister’s heart, I’m gonna whoop your ass.”

Trixie let out an exasperated “Nate!” but Katya just cackled, before replying. “No need, I’ll whoop my own ass if that ever happens.”

The four of them chatted for a few more minutes and Trixie could feel Nate disengage slowly from the conversation, looking around more than he was looking at any of them.

“I’m sure she’s here somewhere,” Trixie whispered and gave his arm a light squeeze.

“Maybe,” Nate said, but he didn’t sound convinced.

Trixie spotted her mom not long after, a smile plastered on, but it looked wrong, her face looked all wrong. The closer she got to them, the faker her smile looked, the thicker her foundation seemed, the redder her rapidly blinking eyes appeared.

“Jonathan!” She cried out, but her voice wasn’t right, either. Trixie knew from the way Nate suddenly froze next to her, that he could her the wrongness of it, too.

“Mom,” he tried, but his voice was mushy, so he repeated himself, but it didn’t sound much better.

Trixie watched as her mom swung her arms around Jonathan’s middle just a little too tightly for it to be comfortable.

“I can’t believe this, my son is a college graduate! I’m so proud of you.”

“Thanks mom.”

“You see, Gary didn’t really think you’d get through it, but I told him, I said, my son is a genius, he is so clever, and I was right! I was right, now wasn’t I?” Trixie couldn’t see her mother’s face, but she could still hear how her fake smile got wider, how it did that thing where it bared her teeth so much the bottom part of her gums showed.

“Speaking of which, uhm, where is he?” Jonathan asked, more out of politeness than actual interest Trixie was sure.

“Oh, he’s gone for a little drive. We had a small disagreement, nothing to worry about, just the usual, you know.”

Trixie shared a look with Nate, who was still being squashed by their mother. Gary going for a drive was never a good sign.

Nate must have decided that now wasn’t the time to press about it, because he replied with a simple, “Okay.”

Connie finally let go of Nate and turned her attention to Frances, her back still turned towards Trixie. “You must be Frances. You look lovely, very cute, very cute indeed.”

“Thank you,” Frances said, but the smile she sent Connie didn’t seem very sincere.

Nate must have told her, Trixie concluded. It made sense that he would, they’d been together for more than six months and he had always been better at talking about that stuff than Trixie had.

“I sure can understand why our little Jonnie would take a liking to you.” Trixie’s mom patted Frances’ cheek and finally turned around to acknowledge Trixie.

“Beatrice, honey, oh my.” She cupped Trixie’s face in-between her hands. “You’ve grown. You look so much older. Oh my.” Then she also pulled Trixie into one of her not quite comfortable hugs, but Trixie felt herself melt into it anyways. She realized just then that she hadn’t seen her mom since she left Milwaukee almost a year ago, and despite the resentment she sometimes felt blossoming deep inside her towards her, she had missed her mom.

“Hi mom,” she mumbled, her voice obscured by being buried halfway in her mom’s shoulder, halfway in her hair.

Their hug didn’t last nearly as long as the one between Nate and Connie had, but Trixie hadn’t expected it to, not really. Her mom sent a smile, a little sincerer than any Trixie had seen from her so far, before turning her gaze on Katya. Trixie could feel her heart in her throat and for a second, she was sure she was gonna be sick.

“Hello sweetheart, I’m Connie. Are you one of Jonathan’s friends?” Katya didn’t look particularly happy about the pet name, but she sent a smile in Connie’s direction. A strained smile, but a smile none-the-less.

“Uh,” Katya started, and looked at Trixie with worry. “No?” She said, but it sounded more like a question than a statement.

Trixie tried to swallow her heart in hopes of making it go back to its rightful place, put it stayed where it was. “Mom, this is Katya.”

Connie looked confused for a second, but her eyes lit up when she recognized the name and its connotations. “Oh, so this is Katya! You’re Trixie’s friend, the one she spent Christmas with, right?”

Trixie saw Katya open her mouth to respond, but she interrupted her before the words even got the chance to leave her mouth.

“Actually, Katya is my girlfriend.”

People around them continued buzzing about and chatting, but to Trixie it felt like the entire world went silent. Her mom blinked at her, confusion written all over her face, her fake smile faltering.

“I’m not sure I understand, honey.”

“She’s my girlfriend. We’re dating. Romantically involved.”

“No, she’s not. You’re confused, love.” Her mom stated, and Trixie could feel the bubble of safety and acceptance she had been living in for the last year slowly starting to burst. With it came the overwhelming need to cry, to just bawl her eyes out until there was no tears left for her to cry.

“I’m not confusing. For once, I’m not fucking confused. She’s my girlfriend.” Despite her intentions for the words to sound pointed, they didn’t. She just sounded wobbly and insecure.

“But Beatrice, you’re not… not a… you know.” Her mom did a hand gesture, trying to explain exactly what Trixie wasn’t without having to use the word.

“I’m not what? Gay?”

“Yes. That.”

“You can say it, you know. It’s not a bad word. But yes, I am.”

A pained expression fled across her mom’s face and seconds later she started crying, mumbling incoherent words under her breath that Trixie couldn’t understand but still caught the meaning of.

“Right,” Trixie breathed and felt all the fight leave of her, leaving her body slack and lifeless. “We’re gonna go now. See you later.” Despite her words, Trixie didn’t move for a few long moments, hoping that her mom would tell her not to leave, that she wasn’t upset because Trixie was a lesbian, that there was another explanation for her outburst. She didn’t. “Right. Bye.”

Trixie grabbed Katya’s hand and heard Nate say something without really registering what. She made it to the parking lot before she broke down and started crying. She was halfway to the car when she stopped in her tracks and just let herself fall into Katya’s arms. Katya didn’t say anything, just held her tightly and stroked her up and down the back.

When Trixie was mostly cried out, Katya, still holding her tight, asked, “Should I go kick her ass? I will do it.”

Trixie managed a tearful chuckle and shook her head.

“Alright. Just say the word though.”

Katya drove them around aimlessly for a little while. She stopped by Five Guys and got them both milkshakes that they drank in the car in the parking lot, neither of them saying anything, but with their fingers intertwined.

Trixie’s phone started buzzing when they were driving around in a suburban neighborhood where Katya pointed out specific house and made up stories about the people who lived there, most of them outrages, weird and entirely unrealistic, but they were taking Trixie’s mind of her mom, so she was grateful for the distraction anyway.

“Nate, hey,” Trixie said quietly as she picked up the phone.

“ _Hey_ ,” Nate answered. “ _Are you okay?_ ”

“I’ve been better.”

“ _I know. I’m sorry. I told mom not to come to the celebration if she couldn’t accept you_.”

Trixie sat in silence as the words sunk in. Then she started crying again. “You did?”

“ _Trixie are you crying? Please don’t cry_ ,” Nate said.

“Sorry,” Trixie mumbled, and ferociously tried to dab away the ever-flowing stream of tears.

“ _Don’t apologize either. But yeah. If she can’t accept you, I don’t want her there. You are more important than she is_.”

Those words only made Trixie cry harder. She barely even noticed that Katya pulled over and was now looking at Trixie with a worried expression, probably trying to determine how bad it was. Trixie blindly fumbled for her hand and gave it a squeeze she hoped Katya would know meant she was okay.

“ _Trixie?_ ”

“Still here. Sorry. Thank you. Thank you. You didn’t have to do that.” Trixie’s voice was still obscured from her crying, but she couldn’t stop the tears falling, and maybe, for once, she didn’t want to.

“ _Of course I had to. I support you a hundred percent Trixie. So I had to_.” Nate sounded so certain of this, Trixie couldn’t help but believe it, too.

“I love you,” Trixie said. It felt like the only proper response.

“ _I love you too sis. See you in an hour, yeah?_ ”

“Yeah. You’re never getting rid of me now.” She was only halfway joking.

“ _I hope not_.”

 

Trixie and Katya arrived at the graduation party twenty minutes late. Trixie thought it was fair enough, all things considered.

She was barely inside the door when Reggie spotted her, jumped up, pointed at her and yelled, “Yooo, Trixie!” before meeting her in the doorway with a fist bump followed by a hug. Nick was right behind him, only he skipped the fist bump and just went straight for the hug.

“Who’s this?” Reggie asked, giving Katya a once over and obviously liking what he saw.

“She’s taken, for one,” Trixie said with raised brow and a scorn.

“Oh damn, is this your girlfriend?” When Trixie nodded, finally cracking a smile, Reggie gave her a slap on the shoulder that probably was a bit harder than he had meant for it to be. “Good catch, Mattel.”

“Actually,” Katya injected, “I think I’m the one who made the good catch.”

“Oh yeah, I’m a straight up hottie,” Trixie agreed with a smirk. “You’re not too bad looking either though.”

“Let’s just agree you make a very handsome couple and leave it at that, hmm?” Nick said. “I’m Nick.” He put his hand out towards Katya, who took it and shook it with a smile.

“Yekatarina, but you called me handsome, so you can call me Katya. I’m not sure about you though,” Katya said with fake pondering, addressing Reggie. “Maybe it’s best if we stick to Yekatarina for now. Or Miss Zamolodchikova.”

“Bless you,” Reggie said with a cocky smile, making all of them crack up.

The four of them kept on chatting for a good long while about nothing in particular and Trixie felt pride swelling whenever Katya made them laugh, Trixie louder than anyone else. Not that she had much competition on that front.

Trixie excused them when she realized it’d probably be polite to greet everyone, and to do so before they had been there for so long it became awkward. She took Katya by the hand to introduce her to Lewis. They chatted shortly and about nothing that made a lasting impression on Trixie. She didn’t know him as well, which she told Katya quietly as they made their way towards who Trixie assumed was Frances’ parents, because he had been visiting his girlfriend for Thanksgiving and therefore obviously hadn’t celebrated it with the rest of them.

Trixie was right in her assumption that it was Frances’ parents and they were almost too nice, continuously complimenting either of them, with a few compliments thrown in here and there for Jonathan and what a wonderful young man he was.

Trixie saw Nate and Frances chat quietly in one corner, their hands clasped together and hanging loosely between them, soft looks on both of their faces. She had just decided that she’d wait for them to finish whatever they had going on when Nate spotted her and instantly lit up.

“Trixie!” He called out and enveloped her in a warm hug a few moments later. Trixie felt herself relax into the hug right away.

“You’re the best brother I could wish for, you know that right?”

“I do, but it’s very nice of you to confirm it, thank you.”

“I’m serious. You standing by me… that means the world to me.” Trixie pulled away and looked him in the eye to make sure he knew she was being sincere.

Jonathan sent her a smile in return. “You’re my baby sister, Trix. It wasn’t that difficult of a choice.”

“No?”

“No.”

Trixie wrapped her arms around Nate again, and pulled him in for another hug.

“It’s moments like this that makes me wish I had siblings,” Katya said, and Trixie knew she was joking, but couldn’t help but feel like it was the truth, too.

“I thought you mostly wished for that because it’d further your romantic options?”

Katya wheezed and hit Trixie repeatedly. “You cunt! You absolute cunt!” Then with a serious face and her gaze directly at Nate, she said, “It’s true though, incest really just spices up any relationship. You should try it.” Then she cracked up again and ran around in small circles. Trixie noticed several people was looking at them now, though she wasn’t sure if it was because of Katya’s running or Trixie’s screeching laugh.

“Wow, you two truly are perfect for each other,” Nate said with a sigh and a smile barring his teeth.

“Yeah, no one else likes my incest jokes. Not sure why,” Katya wondered aloud, making Trixie snort in response.

 

Frances banged two pots together about an hour after Trixie and Katya had arrived and immediately got everyone’s attention. She ran into a furniture-free spot in the living room, looking directly at Nate.

“Okay,” she started, “I know you said no speeches, and before you interrupt, this isn’t a speech! Stop looking at me like that, I swear. But, the boys and I did prepare something for you. Happy graduation babe! Reggie, hit it!” With that she pointed at Reggie who simultaneously threw a t-shirt in Frances’ direction and started the music. Toxic started blaring at top volume as Frances pulled the shirt over her head. Trixie couldn’t stop the screech that escaped her when she saw it sported a very unflattering picture of Nate looking either high or drunk with the text _I’m addicted to you_ written in a slime green underneath it. Lewis and Nick came running up, both standing on the right side of Frances, and Reggie joined them seconds after, all three of them wearing the exact same shirt as Frances.

“Please film this,” Trixie whispered to Katya, who grinningly took out her phone.

The four of them started dancing and lip-syncing. It started out strong, them more or less hitting the same poses at the same time, but the further into the song they got, the more they cracked up and as a result also started messing up the choreography. By the end every one of them was doing their own version of the dance, though it was up to discussion whether you could call whatever it was Lewis had going on dancing. Trixie was screeching out laugh after laugh and she could hear Katya wheeze besides her and she was sure the video would be shaky at best, but she couldn’t really blame Katya.

It ended with Nick on his stomach, Frances sitting on top of him and Lewis and Reggie on either side of them doing jazz hands. The moment the music stopped they all broke out laughing hysterically and Nate got up, tears in his eyes and kept telling them that they were so fucking stupid and he didn’t know why the fuck they were friends.

 

The mood was high, and Trixie started to relax the later it got, reasoning with herself that for every minute that passed, the chance of seeing her mom and Gary slimmed.

She was talking with Frances about the annoyance of being deemed stupid beyond help based solely on dressing hyperfeminine when the door to the apartment was thrown open. Her heart immediately sank into her stomach when Gary barged in, obviously drunk.

“Fuck,” she muttered, scanning the room to find Katya. She was standing next to Nick, staring worriedly at Gary.

He seemed to single out Trixie right away and staggered towards her. “Tell me Connie is lying.”

Trixie blinked a few times and felt her entire body tense. “What?”

“Tell me this is something she made up.

“I don’t –“

“Say that you’re not a faggot, that this is some crazy scheme your fucking mother has going on.”

“Don’t call me that,” Trixie said and heard several people gasp.

Gary narrowed his eyes and took a step closer to Trixie, pointing an accusing finger right in her face. She intuitively took one backwards. “So it’s true. I always knew there was something wrong with you.”

“There’s nothing wrong with her,” Trixie heard Katya call out, sounding properly angry. The whole room shifted, everyone becoming consumed by the unfolding events, but no one daring to move. Reggie called out a heated “Fuck off!”

Gary ignored it. “I have been looking for a reason why you weren’t right for so many years. I should have known this was it. I can’t believe it. I can’t believe I let a sinner live _my_ house. We’re gonna do something about this, Beatrice, because you’re a fucking disgrace!” He spat the last part in her face.

Trixie had expected to start crying if this happened, because that’s what she usually did in emotionally stressful situations, so she was surprised when she instead felt rage and anger bubbling up inside of her. She was a bomb built up of years and years of disapprovement and she was ready to explode.

“No, you know what? You’re a fucking disgrace! My whole life you’ve made me feel like I wasn’t good enough, like I wasn’t worthy of being alive. You made my childhood a living hell and I never did anything to deserve that! You know, I used to pray and pray and pray that you would finally like me, finally realize that I am a good person deep down. I was so fucking desperate for your approval, but I know now that I’ll never get it and I don’t want it! Because you’re mean and spiteful and consumed by hate. You can never admit a wrong and you live such a narrow-sighted life that you can’t see past the tip of your own nose. And you’re afraid. You are so fucking scared that the world is changing because you’re afraid of everything that’s different, of everything you don’t understand. But you know what? I’m different and I’m proud of it so fuck you! Fuck! You!”

Everything was completely quiet for a few seconds and Trixie watched as Gary’s face turned redder and redder.

“You will not talk to me like that, do you understand! We’re leaving and I’m going to correct you! I don’t care if I have to beat the gay out of you every day for the rest of your pathetic life.” He reached out in an attempt to grab Trixie’s wrist, but she stepped back before he had the chance to.

“Don’t touch me,” Trixie warned. Her heart was beating fast and she tried desperately to hold onto her anger. It wasn’t that hard. But fear was also beginning to set in.

“I will do whatever the fuck I want to!”

He raised his hand and it was instantly clear to Trixie was what about to happen. It apparently was to everyone else too, because a cacophony of “Stop!”, “No!” and “Trixie!” rang out and Trixie watched as several people started to run towards them. Above all though, she heard her mom’s voice call out, “Gary, don’t!”

Apparently that what so unexpected that Gary froze in place. Next she knew Nate was stepping in front of her, and Katya was by her side, one arm protectively out in front of her. The only thing Trixie really noticed though, was her mom’s face. Her cheek was red and her eye was black. She had tried to cover it up, it seemed, but she hadn’t done a very good job at that. Or maybe she simply couldn’t apply any more concealer to her face.

“Get the fuck away from her,” Nate spat, and Katya distressed asked if she was hurt, which Trixie gave a curt shake of her head in answer to.

The only thing Gary seemed to care about was her mom’s defiance. “What do you mean, don’t?” He turned around, and everything about the situation screamed danger.

“I mean you will not hit my daughter.”

Trixie could only see his back, but she could clearly see the way his muscles changed, how they tensed. “Are you really choosing that… that _thing_ over me? Are you Connie?”

“She’s my daughter,” her mom said, voice sounding like she was on the verge of a breakdown.

“She’s a dyke! She’s dysfunctional, Connie! You’re dishonoring Him if you stand by her, you know that!”

“Gary, I –” was all her mom could get out before she started crying.

“You’re gonna burn in hell,” he said, voice low, then repeated it louder. “You’re all gonna burn in hell if you condemn this!”

“You’re going to leave now,” Nate told him. “Get the fuck out of here.”

“Fine! Fuck you! Let’s go Connie.”

The entire room seemed to hold its breath, everything frozen in place and as if she was breaking a spell, everything unfroze when Connie shook her head.

It took Gary a few seconds to understand what that shake signified. Then he huffed and stamped out, slamming the door shut with a final, “You’re gonna burn in hell!”

The moment the door banged shut, Katya threw her arms around Trixie, but Trixie was so shocked she just stood there, arms hanging uselessly down her sides. This was the first time ever as far as she could remember where her mom had taken her side above Gary’s and she didn’t know how to react to that.

Next to her she heard Frances mutter fuck repeatedly under her breath and Nick seemed to be stuck in a permanent position of fright, both his hands clasped over his mouth. Her mom was still standing in the exact same place, crying and crying and crying.

“Katya, I –“ Trixie stammered. “My mom.” Despite it not being very cohesive Katya still seemed to understand and let go of Trixie with a squeeze and a quiet “Go”.

Trixie staggered forward, feeling unsure on her legs. “Mom,” she started and reached out, but her mom took a step backwards.

“No, Beatrice,” her mom said, voice thick.

Trixie suddenly felt very small and unsure and like she wanted to disappear.

“I – I might have stopped Gary from hitting you, but I’m still not happy about this… this lifestyle you’ve chosen.”

It felt like a knife in the gut. Trixie clenched her teeth. “Right.”

“I need some time. I just need some time. I’ll try, okay?” She was still crying and maybe that was the reason why Trixie actually believed her.

Trixie nodded and could feel tears beginning to build up in her own eyes. “That’s all I want.”

 

Her mom left half an hour later with directions to a cheap motel nearby and some cash Nate insistently had given her, despite her claims that she would be fine without it.

“Hey,” she heard Katya say and seconds later she felt her wrap her arms around Trixie’s middle, her front pressed to Trixie’s back.

“Hey,” Trixie answered and covered Katya’s hands with her own.

“So that was quite something, wasn’t it?”

“It sure was. Almost made me miss the good old days in Milwaukee.”

Katya didn’t say anything, just pressed a kiss to the top of Trixie’s back.

“Are you okay, Kat?” Trixie asked.

“Yes. No. Maybe. I don’t know. I’m not sure what I would have done if he had actually hit you.”

“Well now we’ll never know.”

“That’s probably for the best,” Katya said quietly.

“Probably,” Trixie agreed.

“How are you?” Katya asked.

Trixie smiled slightly even though she knew Katya couldn’t see her. “I’m pretty good, actually.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. My mom chose me over him. I never thought that day would come.”

“She should have done that a long time ago,” Katya muttered.

“Probably, yeah. But better late than never, right?”

“That’s what they say. She should just be happy you’re such a good person that you’re willing to forgive her. To let her choose you.”

“Yeah.” Trixie mumbled. Then she finally turned around so she was face to face with Katya. “I don’t know if I would have forgiven her a year ago.”

“No?” Katya asked.

“No. But you make me want to be better. So I’m going to forgive her. Eventually at least.”

“You do that all on your own Trixie. Don’t give me credit for that.”

“No.” Trixie shook her head. “That’s all you. I swear.”

She knew that Katya would want to argue back, to give her lists and examples of why that wasn’t the case, so Trixie leaned slowly forward before pressing her lips tenderly against Katya’s, effectively making her forget all her arguments. That had been a foolproof method of ending discussion like this with Katya so far.

 

Not long after that, the beer was brought out. Trixie already knew the boys could drink, but it turned out they could _drink_ when it was for celebratory reasons. They played a few rounds of beer pong, the girls against the boys, and it felt like a victory for all of womanhood when Trixie, Katya and Frances won three games in a row, all of them jumping up and down with glee, everyone but Katya slightly tipsy.

They were in the middle of a vicious drinking version of Uno, only Katya and Nate remaining, fighting to not be the loser when the pizza arrived, and everyone instantly forgot about the game.

Their chatter became louder and louder as the evening went on, the booze making everyone feel the urge to halfway shout everything. Music was put on at one point and the space where Frances and the boys had performed their show became a make-do dancefloor that Trixie more or less became a permanent resident on, Katya right next to her, breaking out her weirdest dance moves. Every time Trixie looked at Katya, she felt happiness bubble up inside of her and a few times she let out joyous laughs without any other prompt, making Katya laugh along with her at nothing at all.

_I love you_ , Trixie thought. _I love you, I love you, I love you_. For now, she didn’t say it, just kept it in her mind, but hoped that she could convey it through small touches and kisses and looks. It might have been hope more than anything else, but she thought she felt that same love radiating off of Katya every time she sent Trixie a smile or tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear.

 

“Scoot over?” Trixie asked as she spotted Nate taking up all of the little bench the boys had standing out on their concrete balcony. He did.

“Can you believe this? You’ve finished college, Nate.” She said, sitting down and leaning her head against his shoulder.

“Not really,” he admitted. “It’s crazy. I swear at one point I thought I would never escape that hell-hole.”

“Me neither. It felt it was the entire world and stories of other places were just fairytales.”

“Yeah,” Nate agreed quietly. “Everything was so fucked up. I’m sorry I left you.”

“You didn’t have a choice. I wanted to die a little every day, but you getting out and succeeding made me believe it was possible for me to do so too,” Trixie told him earnestly.

“Still. I should have done something. Taken you with me or something.”

“Nate, you couldn’t have, it wouldn’t have worked out. You know that. You know that right?”

He shrugged, and Trixie’s head moved with his shoulders.

“I’m serious Nate, you did the right thing. And it all worked out in the end, didn’t it?”

“It did, yeah.”

The both of them sat in content silence for a few minutes, neither looking at anything particular or trying to fill the silence between them.

After a few minutes of them just existing side by side, Katya opened the door, her phone pressed to her chest, a huge smile all over her face.

“Trix?” She asked, and Trixie gave a short nod, her eyes trained on Katya. “Court’s on the phone, she told me they’ve just signed the papers.”

“What, really? Oh my God that’s amazing!” Trixie said, half laughing.

Katya nodded in agreement. “I know right. It’s ours now, 100%. Can you believe that?”

“Not really.”

“Me neither. Anyways, I just wanted to let you know.”

“Thanks babe.”

“Of course.”

Katya retreated back inside and closed the door with a soft thump.

“I like her,” Nate told Trixie decisively.

“Me too,” Trixie said. “A lot.”

“She’s good for you, I think. She seems to make you happy.”

“She does. So much, you have no idea.”

“That’s all that matters,” Nate said and squeezed Trixie’s knee. “How did the two of you figure it out? Is that okay for me to ask?”

Trixie nodded, a soft smile playing on her lips. “It’s very okay. Well, she’s told me that she knew she was in love with me for quite some time, but I was stupid and didn’t know what feelings were and I couldn’t take a hint, so I didn’t figure it out until she showed me a collection of paintings for one of her classes that was just, well, me and, uh, like emotions attached to me, I guess? She’s better at explaining it, but I have some pictures, if you want to see them?”

“I’d love to.”

Trixie removed her head from Jonathan’s shoulder, and opened her phone, scrolling back through her pictures.

“Here,” she said, handing the phone to Nate. She didn’t watch the pictures herself, instead she openly looked at Nate and how his expressions changed every time he scrolled, how his mouth was hanging slightly open, slowly turning into a smile. By the end he had a soft look on his face and he carefully gave Trixie her phone back.

“Wow.” He shook his head, his mouth sporting a crooked smile. “That’s a love confession if I’ve ever seen one.”

“Yeah. I still can’t believe she did that.”

“It makes me asking Frances for coffee seem very lame in comparison.”

Trixie laughed. “It’d make just about everything seem lame in comparison. And besides, you and Frances got together way before we did, so, to be honest, you’re the real winners here.”

“That’s a good point,” Nate said thoughtfully.

“I know. Have the two of you talked about what you’re going to do next year now that you’re finished?”

“We’re looking for an apartment together, something between campus and the city.”

“Really? That’s great Nate!”

“Yeah,” Nate said sounding a little timid.

“I’m happy you found Frances. She’s amazing.”

“She is. I still can’t believe she’s as in love with me as I am with her. It just doesn’t make any sense in my head, that someone as beautiful and clever and strong as her would go for someone like me.” Nate self-consciously ran a hand through his hair.

“I know what you mean, but also shut up, anyone would be lucky to have you. You’re both handsome and kind and witty _and_ you also have the world’s most amazing person as your sister, which always helps your case.”

Nate laughed. “It always has to be about you a little bit, doesn’t it?”

“Well,” Trixie said shrugging, “it’s not my fault I’m vain.”

“You’re not wrong though.”

“Wrong about what?” Trixie asked.

“That I have the world’s most amazing person as my little sister.”

“Oh shut up,” Trixie said, but there was no heat behind it.

“Never,” Nate said, and kissed the top of her head. “We should probably head back inside.”

Trixie had planned for her and Katya to find the cheapest and shittiest motel in Michigan, but it ended up being 3:30 before the party was over and at that point it didn’t take much convincing from Nate to make them stay the night on the pull-out couch in the living room, so they did. Trixie fell asleep that night more content that she could ever remember being. She felt chosen in all aspects of life that mattered. It was a new sensation, but it was definitely one she could get used to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think and come say hi on tumblr! I'm @moonmemory and I swear I'm a nice person!


	17. prayers in the dark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even though Trixie was standing right there and watching the events unfold she still couldn’t quite believe that it was actually happening.  
> She was going to live in this huge, beautiful house with the best friends she had ever had, with the best people she had ever met and she was going to live with Katya. Not just that, she would be sharing a room with her, get to be with her every day, get to come home to her and fall asleep with Katya in her arms every night. It all seemed too good to be true.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am still alive despite what my radio silence may have led you to believe and I cannot believe that we've reached the end! I cannot thank all of you enough for your endless support of this story, it has meant the world to me that someone out there enjoys this story I have created. It's so weird to say goodbye to this universe, but I hope you'll enjoy the ending and once again thank you thank you thank you for being on this ride with me.

“Okay girls. This is it.” Courtney was facing all of them, her back to the door of their new house, the silver key in hand reflecting the hot rays of the sun. “Are you ready?”

A chorus of variations of yes was called out, all filled with glee and untamed excitement. Courtney turned around and slowly placed the key in the lock and unlocked the door, visibly buzzing. Everyone screamed a little and rattled each other’s shoulders, feeling this new and different kind of freedom when Courtney opened the door with a resolute push, most of them running towards the door, laughing in a way you only do when you feel completely free.

Even though Trixie was standing right there and watching the events unfold she still couldn’t quite believe that it was actually happening.

She was going to live in this huge, beautiful house with the best friends she had ever had, with the best people she had ever met and she was going to live with Katya. Not just that, she would be sharing a room with her, get to be with her every day, get to come home to her and fall asleep with Katya in her arms every night. It all seemed too good to be true.

Despite her now sure feelings that sharing a room with Katya would be great, she had had one night where she panicked had called up Adore and ranted on and on about it might be the biggest  mistake of her life, her living in the same room as Katya. Because what if Katya grew tired of her and it ruined their relationship? What if they just weren’t ready to live together? What if Katya realized she didn’t like living with Trixie? What if she fell out of love with Trixie because of this? Adore had patiently told her to calm the fuck down dude and reminded her she had basically been sharing a room with Katya their second term, so she and Bianca could fuck in peace, and that that had turned out great for the two of them. And also that Katya had been in love with her for a year and that she thought it was highly unlikely that it would suddenly change and that they would spend all their time together anyway, even if they got separate rooms. The more Adore reasoned with her, the more ridiculous Trixie felt, because of course she and Katya would be fine. And she felt stupid for even thinking that Katya would suddenly start disliking her, because she had done literally nothing but ensure Trixie knew exactly how she felt about he. She also made Adore swear she wouldn’t ever breathe a word of this conversation to anyone.

Trixie felt Katya’s stare on her, and turned to find Katya’s eyes resting on her face, a small smile playing on her lips. “C’mon Trix,” Katya whispered once they were the only ones not moving and Trixie let herself be tugged along by Katya.

All seven of them toured the house again and it was weird and a little disorienting to see it without any furniture, just bare walls and naked floors and echoes. Courtney had come up with a color schemed note system that in theory should help them decide who got which room, but it turned to chaos when Vanjie had gotten confused with which colors meant what and done it all wrong, ruining Courtney’s carefully thought out system. She apologized but Courtney reasoned that it might have been complicating things more than anything else, when she really thought about it.

“Okay whores we’ll just sit down on the floor and then we’ll look at the ground plan and then we’ll just talk about it and figure this shit out okay? Okay, good. Now sit your asses down,” Bianca commanded, a finger pointing to the ground, and went to grab the ground plan from the glove compartment in her car.

Trixie had been a little afraid that this would turn into their first major conflict, but it went by as smoothly as one could hope for and without any significant arguments.

She right away let everyone know that she and Katya really wanted the room with the flowery tapestry on the first floor and apparently no one else wanted that room so they got it without anyone opposing, even though Trixie had been very prepared to fight for it and had spent most of last night thinking up great arguments as to why it would make sense that she and Katya got the room.

Adore and Bianca got the biggest room, which everyone agreed was fair enough, considering they would be two people living in the room. Bianca also argued that it was the most removed room, seeing as it was the only one on the second floor, so it’d probably benefit everyone’s nightly sleep that no one had to sleep in a room adjourning to theirs. After that argument everyone very encouragingly told them to please, please, take it.

Courtney and Alaska got the two rooms next to each other on the ground floor, which made sense because the pair of them were the most likely to get injured falling down the stairs after a night out with too many free drinks.

Vanjie had the choice between the last two rooms and chose the one furthest from Trixie and Katya’s room on the first floor so she could have Brooke over without all of them getting all up in her and her boo’s business. It also was the one closest to the bathroom on the first floor, so it wasn’t really a bad room at all.

After figuring out the rooming situation and deciding they would do an evaluation of everyone’s satisfaction with their rooms in three months, they made a few trips back and forth from Bianca and Alaska’s cars, carrying the few belongings they had (air mattresses, pillows and covers, bed linen, a sound system and a set of knifes Courtney had gotten for her twenty-second birthday) and divided it into their rooms.

After a smoke break, that turned into an half-hour break of Katya and Alaska chain-smoking on the grass and Adore making a beer run, they began the discussion of what to do with their common spaces, how they should paint them and decorate them, what to prioritize now and what could wait for later when they had more money.

After a lot of discussion about which color they should paint the living room, Trixie trying her best to convince them of a light pink, Adore suggesting turquoise and Katya voting for orange, they ended up coming to something reminiscent of a consensus on with painting the living room white, despite both Katya and Adore declaring that white was boring and unoriginal, but that they could live with it for now.

They sent Courtney and Bianca off to buy the paint, trusting the two of them the most with coming back with the right color, knowing if they sent Katya she would come back with color that would probably not be white.

 

** Mulan is best **

**Bianca del Meano** : there are so many white colors you fuckers. do you prefer: sherwin williams extra white

**_Bianca del Meano_ ** _sent a picture_

**Bianca del Meano** : or spruce best home first frost

**_Bianca del Meano_ ** _sent a picture_

**Katya Kahlo** : omggg who decided these names? i’d like to personally thank them

**Bianca del Meano** : if i find out you can thank their dead bodies cause they will be dead. do you have any idea how long it takes to figure out which color you want when all of their names are like that? like why not just have one white color? why have 50??

**Katya Kahlo** : but it’s so funny!! they’re obviously comedy masters

**Trixie** : like every comedian ever wishes

**Trixie** : I also think it’s hysterical that there’s 50 different types of white

**Katya Kahlo** : of course there is! they have very different vibes depending on their tones

**Courtney** : that’s great and all, but which color do you prefer? we need an answer

**A difficult bitch:** we’ll take a vote

**A difficult bitch** : the majority is saying spruce best home first frost

**Katya Kahlo** : i’d like to state for the record that the majority is wrong

**Katya Kahlo** : sherwin williams extra white is obviously the superior color

**A difficult bitch** : girl you sure are blind

**Katya Kahlo** : fuck you alaska, i like the grey undertones, they bring something to the white

**A difficult bitch:** we should rename you to a difficult bitch with how you’re behaving

**Katya Kahlo** : just cause some people can’t handle the truth smh

 

“Okay so what do we absolutely need for the living room?” Trixie asked, the pen in her hand tapping a steady rhythm against the notepad. She was sitting down, leaning against the bare wall, the rest of her friends spread around the living room, most of the lying down. The buckets of paint Bianca and Courtney had brought back along with a couple of brushes and paint rollers that had fallen over were standing in the far side of the room, being pushed around by Adore’s feet.

“Couches, child. At least two and they have to be real good and fluffy. Like the comfiest couches ever,” Vanjie stated, moving around, unsuccessfully trying to get comfortable on the hard wood floor.

“I say that we look in a vintage shop and see if we can find some nice, cheap couches there,” Katya suggested, and looked around at everyone, hoping for their approval. “They’re usually way more comfy than new couches,” she argued.

“We can do that,” Bianca said when no one else responded. “But you absolutely cannot buy them by yourself cause your style is nothing short of horrendous.”

“My style is not horrendous, you cunt! It’s just very high fashion and your simple mind can’t comprehend it. Also, I wasn’t planning on just buying them myself, I was thinking we could all go together, find something we all can agree on.”

“I’m not even sure we should bring you,” Alaska wondered aloud.

“Fuck you! Trixie, back me up babe.”

“She should come, it was her suggestion.”

“You’re only saying that because she’s your girlfriend,” Alaska claimed. “Think about the rest of us. Think about the ugly patterned couches she would convince you to buy.”

“Excuse you, I can hold my ground,” Trixie huffed.

“Are you sure? Because you’re as whipped as they come,” Alaska mumbled.

“Oh fuck off. But vintage couches?” Trixie asked, and when everyone agreed, wrote down: _couches – vintage shop, all together_.

“What else?” She asked.

“A table. And chairs. I think eating of the floor kind of loses its charm after two days,” Courtney stated.

“Wouldn’t it be fun if we each picked out a chair?” Katya asked, eyes lighting up.

“Bitch, no. We can shop in charity shops, but I refuse to let our living room look like one.” Bianca sent Katya a look that clearly said this was not up for debate.

Katya seemed to want to debate it anyway. “What, why? It’s a good idea. It’s a good idea, right?”

“It really isn’t,” Bianca maintained.

“I agree with Bianca,” Adore piped in.

“Only because you’re fucking her,” Katya mumbled.

“Fuck you bitch!”

“No, listen –“

Courtney interrupted Katya before she could say any more. “Okay, we’ll do a vote, all those in favor of _matching_ chairs raise your hands.”

Everyone but Katya raised their hand.

“You’re all so basic,” Katya stated as Trixie wrote down _chairs – matching_ feeling a little relieved and slightly fearing what her future home would end up looking like.

They continued their discussion of what they needed to buy and Trixie ended up with her hand hurting slightly from all the writing and scratching out and rewriting after closer consideration.

“Alright, so here’s what we have,” Trixie said and cleared her throat before she started reading aloud from the heavily revised list.

_Couches – vintage shop, all together_

_Chairs – matching_

_Table – preferably one that can fold in/out, match the chairs?_

_Kitchen stuff – plates, cutlery, glasses, coffee cups (for guests), wine glasses (maybe next month), pots and pans (at least three of each in different sizes), cutting boards, spatulas, kettle, probably more things - look it up_

_Coffee table –  wooden, dark?_

_Bathroom mats – colorful, no patterns!!_

_Fairy lights (a priority) – lots of them, preferably in different colors_

_Outdoor table and lawn chairs (CHEAP)_

_Shelfs – white, long_

_Television – big, cheap (?)_

_Vacuum cleaner – find one on sale_

_Blankets and pillows – not ugly pls_

“I’ll hang it on the fridge. If any of you think of anything else before Kat and I go shopping on Thursday add it to the list,” Trixie said. “Only things all of us need though.”

“Why y’all looking at me?” Vanjie asked with a huff.

“You know why,” Bianca said.

“I don’t know why y’all thought it was such a bad idea with seven fridges. It makes total sense.”

“The fridges were not the worst of your suggestions Vanjie, and you know that,” Courtney sighed.

“Okay, in my defense I read online that it could bring friends closer together to share sex toys. I’m just suggesting that –”

“ _We’re not gonna have a sex drawer Vanessa_ ,” Bianca rasped, still looking horrified at the thought.

“Jeez, calm your tits it was just a suggestion.”

 

** Mulan is best **

**Vanjie** : what’s the wifi password?

**Trixie** : get your ass down the stairs and check the box like the rest of us

**Vanjie** : isn’t there someone in the living room? help a sister out pls

**_Katya Kahlo_ ** _changed the name of the group to **the wifi password is 420checkityourselfyoulazyass6969**_

**Vanjie** : it’s not working?

**Trixie** : omg

**Trixie** : your girlfriend could never

**Vanjie** : what?

**Bianca del Meano** : you really are stupid huh?

**Vanjie** : damn bitch what are you on about? i’m not stupid

**Vanjie** : wait

**Vanjie** : i take it back i actually was stupid

**Bianca** **del Meano** : that’s what we keep telling you

**Vanjie** : :(

 

Trixie was woken up at a time that was definitely too early by someone blasting music on the sound system they had gotten up and running yesterday.

“Kat, make it stop,” she mumbled and buried herself further in the crook of Katya’s neck, both to drown out the sound and to get a little closer to Katya.

“Pass me my phone,” Katya mumbled back. The fact that she also sounded tired made Trixie truly aware of how early it must be. Trixie fumbled blindly for the phone without moving from Katya and got ahold of it just as she was about to give up and move.

“Here.”

 

** the wifi password is 420checkityourselfyoulazyass6969 **

**Katya Kahlo** : @whoever please turn that of, some of us are trying to SLEEP

**Bianca del Meano** : i second that and i swear that i will not hesitate to murder whoever is the cause of this if it’s not turned off in the next minute

**Katya Kahlo** : trixie says she’ll happily help @ **Bianca del Meano**

**Bianca del Meano** : good, i always knew there was a reason i liked her

**Katya Kahlo** : trixie just audibly gasped at the compliment

**A difficult bitch** : lol

**A difficult bitch** : also we’re not turning the music down it’s painting day bitches!

**Bianca del Meano** : it will be painting day after 8am

**A difficult bitch** : it will be painting day from now, it’s a big house

**Bianca del Meano** : fuck you alaska

**A difficult bitch** : fuck you too bianca :)

 

The music did not get turned down despite their threats so not long after Trixie found herself in their empty living room, arms crossed over her chest and the edges of her mouth turned downwards in a frown, Katya next to her in a very similar position.

“Don’t you look like rays of sunshine,” Courtney greeted them, sounding way too chipper considering the time.

“Fuck you Courtney,” Trixie grumbled.

“We bought coffee,” Alaska offered and pointed towards the kitchen island which sported seven coffees, each with a name written on it. Trixie grabbed the one where Trixie was scribbled on and took of the lid, peaking into the cup.

“This better be fifty percent sugar,” she warned as she replaced the lid.

Courtney sent her a look. “We know you babes, it’s like eighty percent sugar.”

Bianca came stomping into the living room with a finger pointed at Alaska. “I will kill you,” she declared, her voice raspier than usual.

“Dude, like I know it’s a big house but couldn’t you have waited like an hour or something with the music and painting, fuck,” Adore muttered as she too joined them in the living room and immediately sat down on the floor, leaning her head against the wall and letting her eyes fall shut.

They continued threatening each other for a few minutes when Alaska finally said what they were all thinking. “Where the fuck is Vanjie?”

“She can’t possibly sleep through this shit. Do you think she can sleep through it?” Adore asked.

“Dunno. I mean she does have the room furthest away from the living room,” Katya said with a shrug.

“I’ll go wake her up,” Alaska told them and sauntered off towards Vanjie’s room. The rest of them stood, or in Adore’s case sat, in silence sipping their sipping their coffees, Trixie really wishing she was back on the horrible air mattress with one arm around Katya’s middle.

“I’m really regretting my decision to move in with all of y’all,” Vanjie murmured, voice gruff with sleep as she was being hauled into the living room by Alaska.

“Same,” Trixie muttered and took another sip of her coffee.

“Stop whining and let’s get this bitch painted.”

They had covered most of the floor in newspapers, mixed the paint and each grabbed either a paint roller or a brush when everyone stopped and looked around at each unsurely.

“Does anyone know where to go from here?” Courtney asked, looking around at everyone. “Katya?”

“I paint pictures not walls, there’s a difference. I haven’t painted a wall before.”

“Right. But what would you normally do?”

“Outline. But I don’t see how that can be of much help here. It’s not like I can outline a square. Well, I could, but I don’t think –”

“I’ll google this bitch,” Bianca decided and pulled out her phone, a few seconds later reading aloud from her phone. “Here, step one, choose the right type of paint. Done. Step two, mix the paint, also done. Step three begin painting the trim by hand. Alright whoever has a brush, that’s you, get to work.”

Trixie looked into her hand even though she knew she was holding a paint roller and not a brush, before looking around at everyone and feeling some sort of justice when she realized it was Alaska and Courtney who held the brushes. They did as instructed without much complaining and little encouragement from the rest of them spread out across the newspaper-covered floor, most of them halfway asleep, Vanjie snoring quietly with her head in Adore’s lap.

“You know,” Alaska said after half an hour of painting and only being halfway done, “I’m pretty sure Katya has some brushes about the same size as this and it would make painting this much faster if some of you would help.”

“I’m pretty sure Katya has one brush like that and that it was very expensive and that she doesn’t trust any of you to not ruin it,” Katya said pointedly.

“How can you ruin a brush?” Alaska asked. “It’s not like we’re gonna play football with it.”

“You say that now.”

“Also, no one is saying you can’t be the one to use it,” Alaska pointed out.

“Ah, yes but sadly Trixie is preventing me from doing so,” Katya said and scooted across the room to lay Trixie’s head in her lap. “See? I couldn’t possibly move. Also, she’s asleep.” Katya moved closer to Trixie’s ear and whispered, “Close your eyes babe.”

Trixie laughed and closed her eyes, making over the top snoring sounds just to top it all of.

“You two are horrible together and I hope you break up,” Alaska muttered and went back to painting.

Two hours later Trixie had been rolling that fucking paint roller up and down the wall for what felt like an eternity. Her only consolation was the fact that she wasn’t painting the ceiling. Both Katya and Bianca were slightly out of breath and looked like it was taking a toll on them, and Katya was definitely the strongest of all of them and Bianca had the best game face, so Trixie was pretty sure she would have been a heaving mess on the floor if she had been in either’s shoes.

“Are you sure the website wasn’t lying when it suggested triple layering?” Vanjie asked and looked intensely at the walls that were now painted with two layers. “I think this looks great. Can’t see nothing but white.”

“I don’t know if they were lying, but as I don’t know shit about painting and they seem to, it’s probably best if we just do what they suggest,” Bianca said, eyes fixed on the ceiling. “And it’s not really like I enjoy having my head stuck like this, I’m used to looking down on people, not up. I don’t suppose you’d know anything about that,” she remarked looking at Vanjie with two raised brows.

That made everyone burst out in laughter and Katya forget she was holding a gigantic paint roller in her hands because she was flailing her arms like she usually did, and Trixie only just got to think that it was really lucky they had covered the entire floor in newspaper because small droplets of paint were flying around and landing everywhere, and next she knew the paint roller collided with her and she had an uneven line of white paint down the front of her shirt. The scream that left her was one of surprise and not pain but Katya was by her side apologizing in seconds. Trixie reassured her it was fine, before dipping her hand in the paint and letting it clash with Katya’s face, leaving her with an imprint of Trixie’s hand that covered most of her face and a look of shock that made Trixie double over with laughter.

“I fucking hate you Trixie Mattel,” Katya said, but she was laughing too now, so it kind of ruined the effect.

They finished painting an hour later, all of them being a little too proud of their work considering they had literally only painted four walls and a ceiling in the color white.

“I think it’s beautiful,” Trixie commented, standing in the middle of the room with the rest of the girls, all of them admiring their work.

“Yeah, this is really up there with Monet and Picasso,” Katya agreed.

“We could definitely make a business out of this,” Alaska mused. “Imagine if we did this topless, we’d be stinking rich in two hours.”

“Bitch!” Vanjie exclaimed and hit Alaska’s arm forcefully a couple of times. “Could you imagine? It’d be scandalous! We’d be both rich _and_ famous.”

“We could make our own step by step guide,” Katya laughed. “Step one, take of your shirt. Step two take of your bra. Step three stir the paint in a sexy, sexy way.”

“We’d definitely make the local news,” Courtney agreed, her words muffled by laughter.

“I knew there was a reason I kept calling y’all whores,” Bianca remarked, rolling her eyes good naturedly.

“Aw c’mon babe, you love it when I act a little dirty,” Adore commented with a sly smile.

“Yeah, but you also only fuck me behind a closed door.”

“I literally would rather scratch my eyes out than know about your sex life,” Alaska told them with a serious face.

“Well get to scratching then, I doubt you can avoid it,” Bianca said.

Alaska stuck out her tongue in response, both because she probably didn’t have a good comeback and also because Bianca was right.

 

**Jonathan** : how’s it going so far?

**Trixie** : really well! we painted the living room and the entrance today

**Trixie** : and i left a trixie-shaped imprint on katya

**Jonathan** : i’m not sure i wanna know

**Trixie** : omg ew

**Trixie** : i meant this

**_Trixie_ ** _sent a picture_

**Jonathan** : oh wow that’s a relief

**Trixie** : you’re disgusting

**Jonathan** : i was literally just trying to be a good brother

**Trixie** : you should try harder

**Trixie** : anyway, how are things?

**Jonathan** : good i think. mom and frances are still getting on

**Trixie** : that’s good

**Jonathan** : yeah

**Trixie** : call me if there’s any updates?

**Jonathan** : you know it

 

***

 

“We’ll definitely need one of those,” Katya said, grinning and pointing towards the big shopping carts in front of Ikea.

“Oh yeah for sure. I’m planning on buying one of everything,” Trixie replied also grinning.

“Great minds think alike or whatever it is people say.”

Minutes later Trixie was pushing a shopping cart with Katya walking next to her, their shopping list now a lot longer than when they had originally written it.

“First things first, we need a bed, because I refuse to spend another night sleeping on that horrible air mattress,” Trixie said as she stared at the arrows pointing in different directions.

“Right? My back has been in pain every morning for the last three days.”

“I know babe, you’re not very good at hiding it,” Trixie said and gave Katya a sympathetic pat on the top of her back.

Katya made a face. “It’s not like I’m trying to hide it,” she mumbled. Trixie raised an eyebrow in show of her disbelief. “Oh fuck off, let me have this and let’s go find a bed.”

 

“I don’t know. Is this a little too soft? I think it might be a little too soft,” Trixie said and wiggled around a little more, just to make sure.

Katya followed Trixie’s lead and started wiggling, too. Trixie was sure that they probably looked completely ridiculous, but she didn’t care. She didn’t mind looking ridiculous every now and then, especially not when she was looking ridiculous with Katya by her side.

“It’s too soft,” Katya agreed with a sigh.

“That’s a shame,” Trixie said, as the edges of her mouth turned down. “It was a really pretty bed. It would have looked great in our room.”

Trixie couldn’t help but smile as she threw her legs over the side of the bed and looked back at Katya, her heart skipping a beat at the thought of them actually being here together, picking out _their_ bed for _their_ room.

During the last few days, Trixie had lost count of how often she had said the words _our room_. It felt like a victory and it gave her a kick every time she got to announce to anyone within proximity that she was now sharing a room with Katya. They didn’t just live in the same house or building, they lived in the same _room_.

For years she had dreaded getting a boyfriend because it would mean that they at some point probably would reach a stage in their relationship where the next step would be for them to move in together and she had always hated the thought of sharing her space with anyone. Sure, part of that had been because it would mean she would have to live with a man she was in a romantic relationship with, and imagining that had never brought her any joy, for reasons that now were obvious to her. But she also knew herself well enough to know that she sometimes just needed to retract from everyone else and be by herself for a little while. This had worked well with Adore because she was such a social creature who thrived whenever she was around other people, so if Trixie had been feeling anti-social Adore would simply go seek out someone else and leave Trixie alone to recharge.

With Katya though, it was different. It didn’t feel like it took away any of Trixie’s energy, being with her. If anything, it had quite the opposite effect, sometimes making Trixie feel more energized, most of the time making her feel more present and always making her feel safe. She didn’t mind being in Katya’s company even when she didn’t feel like being around anyone. She couldn’t imagine that this would change and that might be easy to say now, because they had only been living together for three days in the house, but Trixie was still pretty certain that it wouldn’t.

They tried out a few more beds but none of them seemed to be just right. Trixie wasn’t even sure why she suddenly had become so critical. It wasn’t like their dorm beds were in any way luxurious and she had slept just fine in them for almost a year. It felt like it was important though, so they continued in their quest for the perfect bed.

“What about that one?” Katya asked and Trixie looked the way Katya was pointing. It was a cute bed, maybe a little smaller than what Trixie would have originally gone for, but she could see why it with its vintage-like frame would catch Katya’s eye.

“Let’s try it out,” Trixie agreed. Tentatively Trixie let herself fall into the bed and felt her body bounce up and down, the motion seconds later mixing with those of Katya falling into the bed beside her.

They wiggled again.

“Hmm,” Katya said.

“Yes,” Trixie agreed, and they wiggled some more.

“Try to roll over on your stomach,” Katya suggested, so Trixie did.

“It’s not bad,” Trixie told Katya after a few seconds before rolling back onto her back and opened her arms. “Come here?” she asked, and Katya crawled into Trixie’s arms, letting her head rest right above Trixie’s heart as Trixie wrapped her arms around her.

“This feels right,” Katya murmured into Trixie’s shirt after a few moments.

“It does,” Trixie agreed, a small smile playing on her lips.

 

** the wifi password is 420checkityourselfyoulazyass6969 **

**Trixie** : kat and i were thinking it might be fun to get some colorful plates and glasses? they have 8 different color plates in two sizes. should we buy one in each color and in each size so we have 16 in total?

**_Trixie_ ** _sent a picture_

**_Trixie_ ** _sent a picture_

**Trixie** : and maybe we should just buy 10 glasses? they only have them in 4 colors though

**A difficult bitch** : i’m up for it

**A difficult bitch** : wouldn’t it be fun if we all got a color each?

**Bianca del Meano** : it would

**Bianca del Meano** : then we also know who to execute because they’re neglecting doing their dishes

**Trixie** : i want the pink one

**Courtney** : alaska will have the blue one, and it’s not up for debate

**A difficult bitch** : when will you get over that? it’s almost a year ago you fucks

**Courtney** : we will never get over it and we will haunt you with it till the day you die

**A difficult bitch** : it’s funny you think we’re gonna be friends for that long

**Courtney** : you’re stuck with me now bitch, you don’t have a choice

**A difficult bitch** : great

**Courtney** : i think so too

**Trixie** : so that’s a yes on the colored plates and glasses?

**Courtney** : yes

**Trixie** : and the amount is good?

**Courtney** : yeah i’d say so

**Trixie** : cool

 

“We’re poor now,” Trixie told Katya mournfully as they loaded up Bianca’s truck with all the new kitchenware along with smaller knick-knacks and an inane amount of plants Katya had insisted on getting for their room. “And we still have to sleep on that horrible air mattress for another week. I was so looking forward to stuffing it into a deep dark corner of our creepy basement.”

“I know babe. But think how much more you’ll appreciate our new bed once it gets delivered.”

“I’d have appreciated it plenty today,” Trixie said as she shut the trunk.

“At least we have curtains now,” Katya said with a smile. “No more waking up at the ass-crack of dawn.”

“You’re gonna wake up at 6 am no matter how many curtains we buy and you know this.”

“At least I don’t wake you up.”

“Anymore,” Trixie muttered with a pointed look.

“What’s that’s supposed to mean? I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Katya said with a teasing smile that clearly gave away that she did.

Trixie rolled her eyes. “Oh yeah sure, you just suddenly forgot the million times you woke me and Adore up on the weekends because you were bored and Bianca was mean? Because my sleep-deprived ass sure hasn’t.”

“If you think about it, it was really a gift from me to you,” Katya said, nodding solemnly.

Trixie snorted. “Sure it was.”

“Think about how much more quality time you got with me. Irreplaceable memories! You can sleep when you get old, Trixie.”

“As if you’re going to let me sleep even when I’m 90 and have to breathe artificially.”

 

It took almost two weeks before their house came together and became a home. All of them were present all around – both in pictures taking up most of the space on the walls in the living room, but also just in smaller knick-knacks you could easily identify who it belonged to.

One morning Trixie woke up with the space next to her empty and cold. It wasn’t entirely unusual, Katya was a much earlier riser than Trixie and now that the weather was nice outside, she had started running again in the mornings. What was unusual though was the way Katya cackled when Trixie found her in the kitchen with an empty bowl in front of her sipping what was probably her second cup of coffee.

“What have you done?” Trixie asked, brows furrowed in suspicion.

Katya sent her a devilish smile and lifted her arms in a _who knows_ gesture which only made Trixie even more suspicious.

“Ms. Zamolodchikova, you better tell me right now!”

“I’ll tell you when everyone’s up.”

“That’s not gonna be for hours you bitch! It’s Saturday and we were out yesterday so everyone is sleeping in,” Trixie crossed her arms in front of her chest and stared at Katya in a way she hoped she would compel her to tell her what she had done.

“Too bad baby,” Katya told her and downed the rest of her coffee. “I’m going for a smoke, do you wanna come?”

Trixie scoffed and watched Katya as she started walking towards the door to the garden. “Fine. I’ll make a cup of tea and then I’ll come join you.”

Trixie put on the kettle and opened the cupboard and grabbed a teabag from the shelf that was marked with a piece of tape with Trixie written on it and made a mental note to buy more tea really soon. She almost emptied their joined honey and added honey to the shopping list hanging on the fridge.

She wrapped her hands around the bee mug Katya had bought for her and quietly trotted through the room until she got to the door that led her into the garden. Katya was sitting on one of their shitty garden chairs, eyes closed, cigarette lit in hand and halfway smoked already. Trixie let herself stand in the doorway, just for a few moments, and watch Katya as she sat there in all her glory with the morning sun coloring her golden.

“You’re so beautiful,” Trixie told her quietly.

A content smile spread across Katya’s face as she opened her eyes and found Trixie’s right away.

“Mmm, keep sweettalking me,” Katya muttered.

Trixie stepped out of the doorway and carefully placed her cup of tea next to the half-full ashtray on the table. Then she straddled Katya, placing a thigh on each side of her legs.

“You’d like that, wouldn’t you?” Trixie asked, and moved her face closer to Katya’s, who was blindly stubbing out her cigarette.

“You know it,” she murmured, a gruffness to her voice.

When Trixie was only a breath away from Katya, she stopped moving. “Then tell what you did.”

Katya stared disbelievingly at her for a second, before breaking out in a surprised laughter, looking accusingly at Trixie, and yelled, “You cunt! You absolute cunt! Here- here you come and try to seduce me in all your glory and- and it’s all a ploy! You complete and utter cunt!” right in her face, making Trixie laugh too.

“It serves you right, going around cackling like that and not telling me about what you did,” Trixie said with a crooked smile. She placed a quick kiss on Katya’s lips and started to un-straddle Katya when Katya stubbornly grabbed around her waist and said, “Oh no mama, you started this, you’re going to finish it.”

“Am I?” Trixie challenged, mouth wide with amusement.

Katya wiggled her eyebrows. “You sure are.” With that she tightened her grip around Trixie and pulled her closer until their chests were pressed together.

“Alright. But only because I like you,” Trixie muttered before pressing her lips against Katya’s and entangling one hand in her hair. They deepened their kiss and Trixie cursed under her breath when Katya lightly bit down on her bottom lip. She reciprocated by tugging on her hair, which made Katya’s hand clench Trixie’s hips and stop kissing her for a second.

“You are aware that your bedroom is like, just up the stairs, right?” Alaska asked, making both of them stop kissing and look up at her, with her messy hair and oversized t-shirt that barely covered her ass.

“Yeah, we were just hoping to make some tips this way. Lesbians are really in these days,” Katya said and immediately started laughing.

“Too bad I just used all my cash on fucking furniture. I’m sure you two could make a dope ass amount of money if you ever did a porn together though. Can I steal a cig?”

“Sure,” Katya said and retracted her pack of cigarettes from her back pocket and held out towards Alaska.

“Thanks,” Alaska said. “I swear I’ll quit smoking tomorrow.”

“Sure thing Laska,” Trixie said, knowing fully well that she most definitely would continue to steal cigarettes from whoever for another week before finally giving up and buying her own and proclaiming that she had always wanted to die young anyway.

 

The minute the clock struck 12:30 Trixie declared that it was now late enough that she could wake up everyone without a bad conscience. Courtney had gotten up not that long after Alaska, but Vanjie, Adore and Bianca were all still sleeping. Trixie didn’t have any qualms about walking into Vanjie’s room and drawing back the curtains. She was met with creative curses and a pillow that landed a few feet in front of her. She was more apprehensive with Adore and Bianca, simply because she had walked in on them one too many times, thankfully never while they were really in the middle of things, but there had been some close calls.

She gave a few knocks, which didn’t warrant any reactions. So she knocked again, louder, and called out, “You better not be fucking, because I’m coming in.” She waited a few moments and when no one reacted she deemed it was safe to go in. The first thing she was greeted by was Bianca looking at her like she would kill her if she took another step, which was impressive seeing as she was lying in bed, her red hair a mess, residues of yesterday’s makeup beneath her eyes and Adore sprawled out on top of her. _What_ , she mouthed.

Trixie mouthed _wake her up_ , which Bianca responded to with a raised middle finger.

_Do it_ , Trixie tried again, but Bianca just let her second middle finger join the first one. Trixie rolled her eyes and started making her way towards the bed, which made Bianca send Trixie a look that would have made Trixie wither in fear a year ago, but now just made her shake her head lightly because she knew Bianca could look mean but that she wasn’t.

“Fuck off,” Bianca whispered.

“No, listen Katya has done something but she’s refusing to say what until everyone is there and it’s been driving me _insane_ ,” Trixie whispered back and stared intensely at Bianca. “Please Bee, you know Katya.”

Bianca stared back, quiet for a few seconds. With an irritated exhale she mumbled, “Fine. We’ll meet you downstairs in ten.”

Satisfied Trixie walked back into the living room and sat down in the couch next to a grumpy-looking Vanjie who kept sending her dirty looks. By now everyone was aware that Katya was up to something, and she kept pacing the room with a devilish grin across her face.

The minute Trixie heard Bianca and Adore making their way down the stairs she turned herself towards them, an expectant look on her face, which Bianca met with rolled eyes.

“Okay, everyone is here now. What did you do?” Trixie asked and turned her full attention back at Katya, who was standing in front of them, looking way too amused.

“We need a new shelf in the living room,” Katya stated. “Right above the television.”

Trixie scrunched her eyes together, looking disbelievingly at her.

“And why, pray tell, was it necessary to announce that in front of everybody?” Alaska asked, arms crossed.

“And more importantly,” Trixie added, “why has the addition of a new shelf sent you into fits of evil laughter all morning?”

Katya wiggled her eyebrows. “Do you all remember the child Trixie and I adopted back in the fall?”

“The what?” Vanjie asked, a look of disbelief on her face that Trixie was pretty sure was mirrored on her own.

“We have a child?” She questioned, racking her brain to figure out what exactly Katya meant by that but coming up empty.

With a look of pretend horror Katya clutched one hand over her heart and pointed the other accusingly at Trixie. “We do! How could you forget. Traitor.” She shook her head. “Well, do you remember Adore’s should have been costume?”

“The ugly ass fucking Teletubby?” Adore asked.

Katya clapped her hands together in excitement. “Yes!”

“It’s kind of hard to forget. It still haunts my dreams,” Adore muttered.

“Well, you know how Trixie and I bought it and would have raised it lovingly together if Bianca hadn’t threatened to set it on fire and thereby forcing me to hide it in the bottom of my closest? I thought he was feeling really quite lonely so I went back to the costume shop and you’ll never guess what I found.”

“No,” Bianca said. “I will burn this entire house down.”

“Yes! I ordered the red, green and purple one, so we now have a complete set and as it is top of the state art it would be a mistake unlike any other to not have it on display right here in our living room.”

“I will end you,” Bianca threatened.

By this point Trixie was trying her best not to burst out laughing, the absurdity of the situation hitting her at once.

“You’re the worst,” she told Katya, “but also, I love it.”

“I hate to admit it,” Courtney said, “but I kind of love it too. That fucking Teletubby head is part of the reason for our friendship.”

“All the more reason to banish it to hell,” Bianca uttered.

“Babe c’mon. It’s kind of punk,” Adore said and prodded Bianca repeatedly in the side, before panicked looking around and adding, “As long as I don’t have to wear it!”

“No, these will be art pieces so all looking no touching,” Katya told her before turning to Vanjie. “Vanj, you haven’t said anything yet and that’s really unlike you. Please say yes, I can’t return them.”

“I never thought I’d say this but be the sensible one and tell them they’re crazy for even considering this,” Bianca pleaded. “I’ll send you all my notes from geometry 201.”

Vanjie nervously drummed her fingers on her thighs looking between Bianca and Katya. “I don’t know. I mean… Jesus… Sorry B, but I also think it’s kind of funny? Please still send me the notes.”

“I hope you all burn in hell, along with my geometry notes” Bianca told them. “If they mysteriously disappear at one point, I had nothing to do with it.”

Not even an hour later the shelf was up and Katya had picked up her package, heaving and cursing as she carried it through the house, Bianca dryly mumbling that it was what she deserved. All seven of them stood in front of the new shelf now displaying four huge Teletubby heads and none of them was successful at keeping a straight face, most of them breaking out in laughter every time they caught sight of the heads.

“I hate this so much. It’s brilliant,” Trixie said in-between laughs.

“I know. I think I’ll die of laughter a little every time I see them,” Courtney laughed.

“Literally why couldn’t you and Trixie just have them in your room? I’m sure these guys wouldn’t mind seeing you do the hanky panky.”

“Oh my God Bianca, shut up!”

 

***

 

“Trixie, babe, you can’t change positions all the time,” Katya told her with a frown, her sketchpad laying in her lap and a pencil clutched in her hand.

“Sorry, it’s just weird sitting with this in hand and not moving,” Trixie said and lifted her guitar which made Katya sigh.

“Try playing a melody then. But you can’t move your body and you have to keep you face still otherwise I’ll get it wrong, so no singing either no matter how wonderful your voice is.”

“Okay, I’ll try,” Trixie said, smiling dumbly at the compliment, and started strumming out soft made-up melodies and instantly felt less awkward. She tried keeping her eyes on the spot Katya had pointed out for her, but couldn’t help sneaking glances at Katya every few minutes, taking in how she bit down on her lip in concentration, eyes boring into the paper. She tried to innocently look away every time Katya moved her eyes from the sketch to Trixie, but she was well aware that Katya caught her staring. She didn’t comment on it though, so Trixie just kept on making up lyric-less songs.

A knock sounded which made Katya stop drawing, Trixie stop playing and both of them look over at the door.

“Come in,” Katya called out and seconds later Bianca was staring at the two of them.

“You’re so gay,” she stated as she looked between them, probably able to see Katya’s drawing of Trixie from where she was standing.

“We know,” Trixie said with a raised brow and a grin. “Was that all you came in here to tell us?”

“No, Courtney and Vanjie are making dinner, it’s ready in 20 minutes and it’s Katya’s turn to set the table. You’d have known if either of you checked your phones.”

“Right, it’s Tuesday. I’ll be down in a few minutes,” Katya said as Trixie leaned over to pick her phone up from the floor, and true enough there were 27 unread messages in their group chat, five of them tagging Katya and the last two tagging Trixie in hopes of getting Katya’s attention. Aside from the from the 27 notifications, Trixie also had two unanswered calls from her mom. Katya most have noticed the change in Trixie’s demeanor, because she asked, “What?” and carefully placed her sketchpad and pencil on their bedside table.

“My mom called me,” Trixie said. “Twice.” She had spoken with her mom exactly three times since coming out to her. All of their conversations had been a little strained, but good none the less. She had finally filed for a divorce and had found an apartment in Michigan after living with Jonathan and Frances for about a month. Jonathan had told Trixie that their mom had originally tried to fix things with Gary, even meeting up with him a few times. Apparently he had asked her to cut all contact with Trixie if she wanted to save their marriage which she had refused. She had also returned home with one cheek burning brighter than the other. After that Nate had forced her to see a counselor specializing in abusive relationships and her mom had filed for divorce after only two sessions.

Despite all of this, they still tended to avoid the topic of Katya apart from Trixie confirming that yes, they were still together and her mom giving a noncommittal hum in response. Still, it was a lot better than it had been. And it had been a lot better than Trixie’s worst fears.

“You should call her back,” Katya said which Trixie nodded to in response. “Do you want me to go?”

“No,” Trixie replied.

“Okay. I’ll stay.”

Trixie stared at the phone in her hand for a few more seconds before dialing and pressing the phone against her ear. Her mom picked up on the second ring.

“ _Trixie, hi honey_ ,” her mom greeted her, her voice chipper.

“Hey mom,” Trixie answered, instantly a little calmed by the tone of her mom’s voice.

“ _Are you alone?_ ” Her mom asked.

“No, Katya is here.” Trixie looked at Katya at that, who sent her a smile and reached her hand out towards Trixie, who grabbed it and intertwined their fingers.

“ _That’s alright, I’m guessing she would hear this anyway_.” Her mom was silent for a few seconds and took a deep breath that was audible through the speakers. “ _It went through. The divorce, I mean. Gary and I are officially no longer married._ ”

Trixie gasped and clenched Katya’s hand so hard it must have hurt, at least a little. “Oh my God, mom! That’s great! Oh my God, oh my God,” Trixie repeated over and over, bouncing up and down and wide smile spreading. “How are you feeling?”

“ _A little weird. But good. I had a session with Rachel today, and she told me I was reacting really well to all of it_.”

“That’s nice.”

“ _Yeah_.”

They were silent for a few moments, before her mom finally admitted, “ _We talked about you a little today_.”

“You did?”

“ _Yes. I told her about you, and, uh, Katya. That you’re together_.”

“Really?” Trixie asked, and felt her stomach churn in anticipation, now holding tightly on to Katya’s hand for completely different reasons.

“ _Yeah. We’ve, uh, talked about it a little before. She says that I’m making progress and that it’s good for me to be away from Gary so he can’t influence me and my opinions. And she suggested that I sign up to a group for Christian parents with LGBT children, so I did and I’m going to my first group meeting tomorrow_.”

Trixie was at a loss for words and felt tears welling up in her eyes. She could feel Katya’s concerned eyes boring into her, so Trixie sent her a watery smile to assure her everything was fine.

“Mom, I… That means so much to me.”

“ _I meant when I said I would try. I really do love you, Beatrice_.”

“I love you too, mom.”

They were silent again, but a disbelieving smile was surely spreading across Trixie’s lips.

“ _Uhm, how are you settling into the house? Is it still nice to live with all your friends?_ ”

“It’s amazing. No major fights yet and everyone is still alive.”

“ _That’s nice honey_.”

“Yeah. We’re actually having a movie night tonight. That’s how we became friends, did I ever tell you that?”

“ _I don’t think so_.”

“Oh, right, well we used to have movie nights every Tuesday, but after Christmas it went from every Tuesday to maybe once a month. We’re trying to get back to every Tuesday now that we all live together.”

“ _That’s great. It sounds like a lot of fun_ ,” Her mom said, and Trixie could almost see the small smile she was sure was visible on her mom that moment.

The next moment the door was thrown open and Bianca stormed in. “Listen bitch I don’t know about you but I’m not quite at a point in my life where I find it acceptable to eat directly of off a table. Would you get your ass – oh. Shit, sorry.” Bianca actually looked apologetic when she took in the way Trixie had curled up into to Katya, still clutching her hand, how Katya still had a worried furrow between her brows and how Trixie’s cheeks were streaked with tears.

“It’s okay,” Trixie said, holding the phone a little away from herself.

“I’ll set it today, but you owe me whore,” Bianca said and pointed seriously at Katya, before sending Trixie another apologetic look and closing the door softly behind her.

“Sorry,” Trixie said into the speaker, laughing a little. “Bianca is, uhm, something else.”

“ _She sure sounded like it. Interesting choice of words_ ,” her mom hummed, sounding like she wanted to say something other than interesting about Bianca’s language.

“You get used to it,” Trixie said with a shrug her mom couldn’t see.

“ _Well, it sounds like you’re busy honey_.”

“Oh, uhm, no it’s alright.”

“ _It’s okay Trixie. Maybe I can call you tomorrow after the meeting?_ ”

“I’d love that.”

“ _Okay, great, I’ll call you. Bye honey._ ”

“Bye mom.”

Trixie stared at the phone in her hand for a few moments, really letting everything sink in, and Katya let her sit in silence, moving her thumb in circles around Trixie’s knuckles. Finally Trixie tore her gaze away from her phone and looked at Katya.

“The divorce went through. He’s out of my life, Kat.”

Katya looked at Trixie with disbelief. Then a smile spread across her face, a smile of relief and joy, and tears started streaming down her face. “Oh my God,” Katya breathed, voice barely above a whisper.

“Yeah,” Trixie agreed with a smile, and carefully wiped the tears of off Katya’s face with her thumbs.

“Sorry I’m crying. I feel like I turn into a weeping mess every time something happens. I’m just… I’m so relieved Trix. He was a horrible person and I hate that he was somehow tied together with you.”

“Don’t apologize, I love that you care.”

“And I love you,” Katya said. She said it so confidently and with an air of ease that all Trixie wanted to do was say _I love you too_. Because she did. She really, truly did. But the words wouldn’t leave her mouth, so she just pressed a soft kiss to Katya’s temple, and hoped she would understand.

 

For the next month Katya continued to whisper quiet _I love yous_ to Trixie without any expectation of Trixie to say it back. But every time Katya said it, Trixie felt her _I love you too_ burn a hole through her tongue from being unsaid for too long, and yet she still couldn’t seem to get the words past her lips. She had tried writing it down, but it felt wrong. She had tried writing a song, figuring that it was a way to ease herself into it, to force herself to say it because it was the lyrics, and while the song was actually turning out pretty decent it still didn’t feel right. She had tried googling, making sure to cross out the tabs in case Katya would use her phone or laptop either for stupid or legitimate reasons, but she was none the wiser. She would catch herself staring at Katya for long periods of time and just think the words so hard she hoped Katya would hear them in her mind. She was pretty sure Katya knew how she felt. She had said it to Katya before, but that had been before they got together, and that changed everything, just a little. It made it harder and heavier and more final. And it wasn’t that Trixie wasn’t sure of her feelings, because she was, she was just scared, though she wasn’t sure of what.

 

“I swear if they don’t get the air-condition up and running in the art department before tomorrow I might possibly end up as a puddle of sweat on the floor,” Katya declared as she dramatically pulled of her shirt and dropped it on the floor, leaving her in a black lace bra and Trixie with a dry mouth.

“I don’t know, I don’t think I mind,” Trixie said, not able to keep from staring a little. She figured she was allowed to, considering they had been together for four months and 21 days. Not that she was counting.

“What do you mean it’s horrendous,” Katya complained and finally turned her head to see where Trixie was looking, which made Trixie’s cheeks burn bright pink. “Oh,” Katya said with a wicked grin and raised her eyebrows. “After closer consideration I don’t think I hate it that much either, actually. But I do think it’s really, really hot in here.”

Trixie laughed. “No, that’s just me.” Katya gave her a pointed look, so Trixie rolled her eyes and unzipped her dress, letting it fall the floor with a soft thump. Katya let herself fall into their bed as Trixie stepped out of her dress before laying down next to Katya.

“Hi,” Katya whispered.

“Hi,” Trixie replied, letting her eyes take in Katya as if she hadn’t already committed every inch of her to memory.

A content smile spread across Katya’s lips before she closed the distance between them. The kiss started out sweet, both of them taking their time and just enjoying the moment. When it deepened it also turned hungrier and in a swift move Katya was on top of Trixie. Trixie placed her hands around Katya’s waist in an effort to pull her closer even though their skin was already touching everywhere it could and dug her nails into Katya’s sides when Katya started kissing her way down Trixie’s neck.

“Katya,” Trixie breathed and swallowed hard, which only encouraged Katya to continue what she had started, finding a spot on Trixie’s neck and sucking on it hard, making Trixie whimper. A second later Katya’s hands made her way around Trixie’s body, and Trixie arched her back in an effort to make it easier for Katya to unclasp her bra, that joined her dress and Katya’s shirt on the floor.

“God, you’re so beautiful,” Katya muttered, as she always did, hungry eyes taking in all of Trixie, and while Trixie really did appreciate the compliment, she wanted Katya’s mouth to do other things than talk right now, so she made a pleading sound, squirmed a little and batted her eyes and Katya’s mouth was back on Trixie. Katya soon made her unable to think about anything other than the places where their skin connected and how much she loved Katya. Trixie returned that favor half an hour later and the two of them received knowing looks from Vanjie and Brooke who were watching a movie snuggled up on one of the couches with the volume up a little louder than what was comfortable.

 

Later that night, Trixie found herself staring at Katya once again. They were both lying in bed, the lights turned out, and it was only because Trixie’s eyes had gotten used to the dark that she could make out any of Katya’s features. She knew Katya wasn’t asleep from the way she was drawing figures in the palm of Trixie’s hand and from how she every few minutes would open her eyes to check if Trixie was asleep and find her openly staring at Katya. She would stare back for a few moments, a small smile on her lips, more often than not tilting her head and pressing a soft kiss to Trixie’s nose before once again closing her eyes.

Trixie kept staring at Katya, feeling a warmness building in her chest and spread through her entire body the way it did every time she looked at Katya. So when Katya met Trixie’s eyes again Trixie was the one who leaned forward to press a kiss to Katya’s nose. Then she carefully placed one hand on her cheek, stroking it slowly and feeling so much love for the woman lying next to her it felt a little like it was the only feeling she had ever felt.

“You know,” Trixie whispered, “when I was little, I used to pray a lot. I prayed about all kinds of stuff, but mostly that I would wake up the next morning and feel happy. It wasn’t until much later that I understood it was wasted, because I was praying to Gods I didn’t believe in. Then I met you, and you gave me a whole new belief and instead of praying to a God I now get to come home and whisper my prayers to you in the dark. And that is so much more reassuring. You make me so happy. You know that, right? You make me feel happiness so much more intensely, in ways where it takes up every part of my being and makes it the only thing I can think about. But it’s good, it’s so, so good. And I think that that feeling, that all-consuming feeling of contentment and happiness and joy… I think that’s love, in its most pure form. And you make me feel that. You make me feel that every time you laugh, every time you absentmindedly stick pens in your hair and then forget you put them there and get all concerned when you can’t find them. Every time you kiss me, every time you say my name, every time you get excited and flail your arms around dramatically, every time I lock eyes with you and I know you understand. Because you understand me in ways no one else does and I’m so grateful I found you, because I feel like I’ve found my person. You’re my person, Katya.” Trixie took a deep breath, and stroked the tear making its way down Katya’s face away. “And I love you. I love you so much it scares me a little. I love you, I love you, I love you.”

“I love you, too,” Katya whispered back, and Trixie thought that Katya was everything good in the world, everything right about the world, and in moments like this, that she was Trixie’s entire world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp, that's it. It's over. It's been a joy to write and share this with you and I'd love it if you came to say hi on tumblr, I'm @moonmemory  
> I'd also love to know your thoughts on the ending <3


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